My wife Cheated

I found out my wife cheated on me after 14 years of marriage and 3 boys. She didnt come right out and tell me i have to get the details over 4 weeks. I have filed for divorce, but is fighting it bad. Saying she is so sorry and wants it bad. She did break it off with him before i knew of it so i think she did relise it was wrong. It was bad decisions after bad. Here is my thoughts. I think she is scared now and she is going to be alone trying to run a house on very limited income (she doesnt work now). BUT i also truely and so does everyone else, that she is Bi-Polar. So if she is and she gets the meds can she be a good wife again? I am not going to trash her, thats not what its about i am not mad at her it was a bad decision on her part and she now has to live with it. So i am asking poeple who suffer from this bad thing. Can it be normal again?

Can it be "normal" again? No.

However, I am living proof that a marriage can survive adultery. In fact, our marriage is stronger now than it was before.

I guess, you first have to decide if you can ever get past the cheating. If you can't, then you are right to end it. If you can, then it's probably time to start getting your wife the help she needs while getting yourself help, too.

I've been in your shoes. It's a battle everyday, just like with any illness, but if you're willing to fight, then things can be good again. I wasn't willing to give up on the man I married. When I did have doubts about our marriage he wasn't willing to give up on me. I'm very lucky to have him.

PM if you need to talk.

It will always be different, but maybe through therapy, time, forgiveness, and the assistance in medications you can possibly work it out again. Of course it will be very difficult to trust her again, but people make mistakes, and giving her one try, and one chance can benefit you and her. If she is to cheat again, then I would definitely end it for sure.

I hope all works out well and you can pick up the broken pieces and find what's the best decision for you.

I feel for you. This disease, I have (Bi-polor) was my relationshop demise.

I used alcohol and had bi-polor (didn't take medicine correctly) and was married-Going to church and allowing for the higher power really changed it for me but my marriage failure was too late

I will not defend your wife by any means. Please don't take what I am going to say as defending.
In any relationship where there is cheating most of the time there are issues in the marriage. Something one partner or the other is not getting that they need. I would suggest marriage counseling first rather than end a 14 yr marriage. I do feel for you. I have been cheated on and yes there was something lacking in the marriage. We are all here for you any time. Good luck. Welcome to pc!

I may get some flax from you for this but it is obvious you are very sure of yourself she is bi polar. I would let a dr. determine this and definitely not say this to her unless they determine it together. She may just be dealing with depression. If you exagerate it she will start to act bi polar. No one wants to be depressed nor bi-polar. It is a condition brought on by low self esteme. By making them feel like it is their problem it creates all kinds of guilt in them. One thing I noticed is you said she didn't work and you using engineer as a forum name lets me think you have a career and she doesn't. Careers do alot for your self esteme and if she has non it could be she feels inferior to you. The affair could be her way of lashing out at the fact she isn't proud of herself. I am not saying she should go out and get a career but have you mentioned what she does right in her life? Is shes a good mother, does she maintain the household while you work? Do you remind her what she does right and how much you appreiciate it. Finding something she feels good about and reminding her that you believe she does great at it will go a long way to dispelling her episodes of high and lows. If not help her find something she is good at. Give her time. Again, don't diagnose her without letting a dr. discuss it with her. You will only set her off. And by no means having an emotional illness is not a sentance for life. Many people live successfully with one. It is up to the individuals to determine the new level of success expected. I am not saying that they can maintain a normal life but many who have illnesses, (diabeties, autism, arthritis, etc.) learn to accept their illnesses and accomodate for them in ways to achieve some success in life. Just think about it. Do you believe their is a perfect wife for you out there then go for it, if you believe you can manage to love a person who isn't perfect but accept them and try to make life successful by learning to work through the tough times. I have to admit, I wonder if I am bipolar at times but I really believe there will be a new disease that they invent that is between depression and bi polar that covers what I am hearing lots of women experience at our age. Another possible issue is midlife, premetapause, don't rush to conclusions.

I'm sorry for this betrayal you've experienced. You mention your 14 years of marriage as though How could she throw it all away??? Yet, aren't you, also, throwing it away now?

Marriages that work through such experiences can become stronger and better. I would hope that the two of you could find a psychologist experienced with couples counseling and really open up to changing...both of you. Marriage takes work...but it IS worth it.

No. He is not throwing it away. He is excepting it. She already threw it away. It is funny to me how people can tell those that have been cheated on that it is 'OK'(usually women)

It only takes once with me. It tells what your 'partner' really wants. And it hurts.

maybe women are more willing to forgive.

The truth is we all make mistakes. It seems like we all make the same mistakes over and over. If one can make the effort to get better by seeking council then maybe there is a way to fix it. However, if the problem still exists then it is right to let go. Something in the relationship could be fostering the other to continue to behave the way they are and it is like a gift to the other to get out. I just see the woman in this situation as having low self esteme. She obviously didn't want to do it because she admitted it and apologized when she could have lied or kept it a secret. She doesn't want to be alone. We can't say why she did it but it doesn't sound like something she really wanted to do. Cheating is wrong but so is alot of other things. Spouces can be so wrapped up in their work (workahalic) that the other one feels cheated themselves. Both are wrong but it is best to admit mistakes and work to fix them. That is when you know the person loves and cares enough, for better or worse.