[desirae]

*Sexual Context Folks...Beware!!!!

I love my husband, and I hate to post this. I fear that some how he will see this and be deeply hurt about what I'm about to confess. Okay, I've never felt sexually satisfied with my husband. He's never even given me the O before, I've always faked them. I know it's horrible for me to lie to him, but I just want him to feel as though he's pleasing me. Before sex and intimacy meant nothing to me, it felt separate from love, but now that I'm older, I feel a stronger respect, and realize how important sex actually is.

I feel guilty about what I'm about to say, but lately I've been noticing other men much more then usual. My mind and hearts been wondering, and I imagine myself having pleasurable sex with another man.

What should I do, should I break my husbands spirit and tell him he doesn't satisfy my, or should I just continue on being unsatisfied, and accept that it will always be that way?

[bebop]

des this is a delicate subject for sure. I believe in communication. But you have to be careful how you approach it. Maybe suggest some variety in the way he does things. Make things more intimate/romantic. I found that totally relaxing is the best. I do know how you feel. feel free to pm me.

des, can you achieve orgasm by yourself? if you can, the practice helps you with your partner. you can order stuff online and it really does come in a plain brown wrapper.........

[LMo]

Des, I know the feeling. I felt that way about my ex. For me, and maybe for you, too, it's not just about the physical stuff, but also about the guilt, and the pressure of wondering if it will get better.

One thing you could try is to say that things feel different to you now that you've had the babies, than they did when you first started dating. That physically and emotionally, different things feel good to you than before. Tell him that your sex life is really important to you, and that you want it to remain good and want to try different things to make sure it continues to be good for you both.

Do you think he's open to that kind of conversation?

((( Des )))

[Rhapsody]

One Question....
How can he help, if he never knew (or knows) that there is a problem - for by faking so many years you have now trained him to think/feel that what he is doing physically is working when he is being with you sexually.... hence pleasing to you both?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[PasDeDeux]

Des I am thinking maybe telling him its all been fake could backfire. I am of the opinion of maybe saying since you had the baby or breast feeding has had an affect could he do this or that and make them things that would get you that O
I was cryptic there but I hope you get my drift. I fear he would really resent it if you said its been fake all these years. I know I would if my husband said he faked it...but if he acted like something had changed body wise or so on I would not take it personally

[drunksunflower]

LMo's suggestion is very clever IMO ... women do change after pregnancy

Is there any chance to have someone look after your little ones for a night and have your house to the two of you and make dinner and have candles and relax together ... and then experiment a bit in the bedroom ...?

best of luck honey!

[hillbunnyb]

)))))))))) )) des (((((((( ((

[jennie]

You ever see that movie CHASING AMY? No? Yes? Well, I believe the character Banky (played by actor Jason Lee) explains the sex and communication differences between men and women.

Banky says, "Chicks never help you out. They never tell you what to do." Banky says he prefers to "let her know where to go, and what the status is. You gotta handle it like CNN and the Weather Channel -- constant updates."

desirae, you can change your communication style towards your hubby without embarrassing him. Try directing your hubby to your needs with constant updates. Saying simple words like "lower/higher, left/right, harder/softer, more/less, yes/no, and faster/slower" will be a good start, if you aren't already doing that.

[bebop]

lol good advise Jenny!! lol I couldn't ever do it but good advise lol

[desirae]

I've been trying to get juices flowing here at home, and well, I don't think he is interested. It hurts tat he's denying me, instead of me denying him. Anyway, I don't think it's the sex anymore, I really don't. I think it's more then the sex, it's something beyond that, that is effecting me in many ways, even sexually. I think I'm not in love with my husband, that's what it is. I like him, ultimately, but I think I've given up trying with him. He's a %#@&#! dickhead, and you know what I %#@&#! DO DESERVE BETTER. I do, it's time for me to get out on my own. I'm ready to move on and be a single woman. I've never been this serious about it before.

I'm completely changing the subject here, but hell, since it's my thread I'm gonna go ahead and twist the rules for a minute.

Last night I escaped to my Mom's house because I couldn't take being around my husband anymore. He was yelling and cussing at me and the kids. He was laying on his *** doing nothing, watching T.V, and was calling me a lazy ***.

I went to Mom's, of course it got worse, because my Mom's a worthless piece of %#@&#!.

Anyway, my husband woke up in the middle of the night and demanded that I get up and trim the back of his hair. I did that for him, and he cussed me out because it didn't look the way he wanted it too look. He called me stupid.

I'm done, I've never been done before. That's where it comes from, my lack of sexual interest, stems from the fact that his a major %#@&#! *** hole to me all the time. How am I supposed to be turned on, he won't even kiss me. We haven't kissed in years!!

That's what I mean to him, he's obvisiouly put me in place.....on his %#@&#! list, so it's time for me to move on, and forget about what I will lose in the process. It's time for me to think of what I will gain. Freedom! I will no longer be called stupid, and I will no longer have to ask permission to go to the store!! I will be able to get a job if I please.

I'm ready, I need support, I need encouragement, I need a friend. I wish I had a girl I could room with. Maybe my sister will let me move in with her till I get on my own or something.

[jennie]

I don't think you have changed the subject. There is a disconnect. Your first sentence of this thread says you love your husband. Then your last post says you think you are not in love with your husband.

You have a lot of work to do (deciding what you want and taking care of you). Do you have a counselor with whom you may talk over about this stuff?

Unresolved issues tend to follow us around. I hope you find the strength and courage to resolve the problems with your husband (whether you stay or leave). Maybe get to the root into the "why's" or "how" a person would end up involved with a man she doesn't love. Maybe it's past relationships, unresolved issues?

(((((((((((((desirae))))))))))) major huggs

[desirae]

Well, I did try to have a very serious chat with him the other day while we we're taking a drive, and every time I mentioned how I was unhappy, unsatisfied, and that I wanted things to change, he called me stupid over and over. I mentioned that he drank to much, he was obsessed with his job, that he never did anything with the kids, and that he treated me like %#@&#!. He just blamed me saying I deserved it because I was stupid. The conversation ended with me weeping to myself, and so hurt that I wish I would have left his *** on the side of the highway. I told him that I'm really considering leaving and he said "oh well, do you need help packing". Trust me, he doesn't give a %#@&#!, there would be no way possible to get him to a counselor......he's just as ready to break it as I am, I think.

[bebop]

Des hon I have been in your shoes. You "just" know when it is over. I am really sorry you are going thru this but no one deserves to be called names. I will support you. Loving and being in love is 2 very different things. Please if you can though not to drop out of your school!! there are places in our state that will pay your rent for you in a situation like yours. they will even pay for child care while you are in school!

[almostangela]

Just a thought for consideration, but is it sex you want or intimacy? It sounds like he is incapable of intimacy. Intimacy is kindness. Do you want to have wild orgasmic sex with a man or just someone to hold you and love you just the way you are? You can have both.

[jennie]

desirae, do you have a trusted counselor you can talk to about yours and your kids' situation?

[nothemama8]

Des, before you leap give marriage counseling a try, if it doesn't work after 4 sessions do what your heart says