[Dolly75]

Hey everybody. Thanks for choosing to take the time to read this.

So, I was involved with a married man. Over time, it started taking its toll on me. (He initiated the flirting, I stayed away because I knew he was married, he started initiating alone time, then he kissed me, and... not too much time after, we became involved.) I gave him plenty of outs, and myself, too.

I never thought I'd be involved with a married man, but now I understand how it can happen. I'm not saying it's right, but there you go.

Anyway, it came to the point where it started to get too much. I really supported his decision to make a change in his life. (He said his marriage was over for a few years already, but they hadn't done anything about it because of their kids and because he didn't like confrontation.) I wanted to make sure he wasn't taking steps to end his marriage because of me. I didn't want to be that person. He reassured me this was something he was going to do regardless.

We got close. We had a connection. He was the first 'boyfriend' to really support me, to not run away because of occassional mental health issues, and he was really open and willing to have that serious talk whenever it was necessary, and so much more.

Months later and he hadn't yet done anything about his situation. We exchanged advice and suggestions often. This eventually lead to me telling him that he should think about what this is doing to him, and to his kids. (I'm a child of divorce and knew what was going on even at a young age. Kids aren't stupid, they know when something is going on.) He said the entire time he's been thinking about what it's doing to me, and apologized, stated again his fear of confrontation, and that perhaps he got lazy, and also he's afraid of telling his kids about the lie he and their mother have been living for years now.

So, about a week ago, I told him he needed to fight for himself, for his kids... and for me. In order for me to invest more, I needed to see some action on his part. I hated having to do that, but the ambiguity was hurting me, and quite frankly, I started to worry he might lose custody of his kids if we were found out. I couldn't live with that. So, it was ultimatum-ish, which I didn't like, but I needed some kind of action either way. Light a fire under his bum so to speak, and stop the constant "we have feelings for each other" but can't do anything about it cycle.

A few days ago he came back and told me he started taking steps to move out, and then tell the kids. Finally, right? He also said he "can't do this" right now. His feelings for me hadn't changed, and he didn't want me to think he's running away because of the personal issues I disclosed (like previous bfs had) but he can't be there for me the way he'd like, or the way I need, and that it was hurtful for us both.

Agreed. I'm a very emotional (in the sense that I wear my heart on my sleeve) individual, but that day, I felt so numb, so emotionless. I was very quiet even after he asked if I wanted to say anything. I said no. What was I going to say, really? He asked if he could hug me. I didn't deny him that. We hugged and then he left. I've been feeling the need to cry since that day, but as soon as my eyes water up, the urge stops. I'm really confused about my reaction, or lack thereof. I know it was the right thing to do. The ambiguity is gone.

Where did my emotions go, though? It's almost like it was too easy. I've had amicable breakups before, but even then I showed more emotion (on my own time, mostly). I don't understand. I also don't know what I'm really asking from readers on here. I guess I just needed to get this out in a 'safe' place perhaps.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading my long ramble. If you feel struck in any way about any of this, I would like to hear from you. Much appreciated. Thank you.

[IceCreamKid]

I think his not liking confrontation played a part in the failure of his marriage, and in what he did to you. You deserve better.

[hamster-bamster]

I do not know what state you are in, and family law is by state - it is not federal. I doubt that the court would make the custody arrangement dependent on whether the guy was with you - it would be weird because the affair was private and discreet and did not involve the children or involve cohabitation while married or anything of that sort... it is not that the guy was having drunken orgies in the presence of the minors, right? But it varies, very much depends on the state, and sometimes depends on the circumstances of an individual case and predilections of individual judges.

To sum up: before making wild assumptions that derive from your ideas and possible misconceptions about the law, you should have sought legal advice.

"I started to worry he might lose custody of his kids if we were found out. I couldn't live with that." - all of that worry was unnecessary and instead of worrying and making assumptions and making ultimatums based on assumptions that can be wrong, you or he or both of you should have sought competent legal advice.

He also needs a professional mediator and possibly a counselor who would mediate and guide him and his wife through the process of their (hopefully amicable) divorce. He is clearly not the first or the last guy on this planet who is "afraid of telling his kids about the lie he and their mother have been living for years now". It is a standard, typical issue and professionals must have developed standard, tried and true methods of dealing it with it. No need to reinvent the wheel. I am unsure he even needs to tell the kids about the "lie". He and the wife need to be coached in how to present the situation to the children.

So, to the extent that his feelings for you are authentic and his desire to divorce his wife is true and he is just blocked by the fear of confrontation, the whole situation was due to multiple failures to engage professional help when necessary.

Alternatively, he used the fear of confrontation as an excuse to mask his lack of a true desire to divorce the wife.

You know him better so you can tell which is which.

Originally Posted by Dolly75

(He said his marriage was over for a few years already, but they hadn't done anything about it because of their kids and because he didn't like confrontation.

Without sounding harsh, I think that's the line that most married men spin when having an affair. I've heard it twice, and a friend of mine was told the exact same thing - she for a couple of years before it all ended when the wife found out.
Luckily for me, when I became attached to them, really thinking that I would like to be with them (without being physical at all) I said to them to sort themselves out, and then perhaps look me up when they are single again. I never heard another thing from either of them. Funny that.

I am not trying to tell you off, when it comes to matters of the heart we can most certainly ignore our heads. It also can become exciting, addictive and with real highs and lows. Highs when you get to see each other, and lows when you realise you cant call them at an hour of need because they are at the marital home. Its a strange relationship to have, and you did right to ask him to sort his end out - it may have just saved you of years of this and broken promises. I am not shocked with the outcome tho.

I guess you not feeling so emotional maybe because on a level you knew it may not end up as a happy ever after? It's not a conventional relationship so I am guessing that you had this at the back of your mind. I wouldn't worry about your reaction, but I would give yourself some TLC and some time out. Just see friends, try to have some fun, and try and put him behind you. I hope you meet someone else who values you properly (and not part-time) and that you can just chalk it down to experience.

Hugs.

[kaliope]

perhaps you arent feeling a great loss because you knew he was never yours to begin with. you sensed in your heart he was never going to leave and were prepared for that, protected yourself for this day to come.

[healingme4me]

riotgrrrl,

Yes, I'm like yourself, in the notion of not getting to that point, and saying, you want me, sort out your desire or non-desire in your marriage, first. Because, I find that it's true that married men who want affairs, cannot handle confrontation. And because they cannot handle confrontation, they walk a thin line. Who really wants someone, who cannot seem to make a concrete decision. Truly, the main issue lies with the one pursuing the affair. Of course, all parties play a role, but my mom once gave advice to a friend, who then shared that with me, when I had a heart to heart with her, grappling with, do I or don't I go down that road((Hey, these opportunities do present themselves to many, and it's just a reality of life, frankly, it seems like it's something that seems commonplace. The advice, was, it's a hard road to lead. I will not judge you, if you do, it's just a really hard road to be on.))

------

Dolly, I am sorry to read that he did this to you. There you were, trying to take the high road, as the other woman..not being demanding, whereas some are demanding, and what does he turn around and do. Makes excuses, then almost wham, bam, thank you ma'am, I can't do this anymore. Rude!
My mom's friend, had suggested, the better course of action was to set a time frame, for them to take that leap, of divorce. Because, if they wouldn't take that leap, they'd feel in control of you. They can walk all over you, in essence. Hence, my own point of view, similar to riotgrrrl's.

I hope you are able to take some time, and do like riotgrrrl suggests, and take some time to just be yourself and do the things you enjoy, being single again.!!

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Without sounding harsh, I think that's the line that most married men spin when having an affair. I've heard it twice, and a friend of mine was told the exact same thing - she for a couple of years before it all ended when the wife found out.
Luckily for me, when I became attached to them, really thinking that I would like to be with them (without being physical at all) I said to them to sort themselves out, and then perhaps look me up when they are single again. I never heard another thing from either of them. Funny that.

I am not trying to tell you off, when it comes to matters of the heart we can most certainly ignore our heads. It also can become exciting, addictive and with real highs and lows. Highs when you get to see each other, and lows when you realise you cant call them at an hour of need because they are at the marital home. Its a strange relationship to have, and you did right to ask him to sort his end out - it may have just saved you of years of this and broken promises. I am not shocked with the outcome tho.

I guess you not feeling so emotional maybe because on a level you knew it may not end up as a happy ever after? It's not a conventional relationship so I am guessing that you had this at the back of your mind. I wouldn't worry about your reaction, but I would give yourself some TLC and some time out. Just see friends, try to have some fun, and try and put him behind you. I hope you meet someone else who values you properly (and not part-time) and that you can just chalk it down to experience.

Hugs.

[Evil Schnoodle]

It is normal to feel loss, shock, or numbness when someone leaves us. Don't read too much into it. You've been hit by an emotional hammer and anything at all you feel (or don't) is what is supposed to happen. Id encourage you to grieve the loss, and slowly move toward figuring out what role this man played for you in the big picture of your life...
Take care!

Originally Posted by Dolly75

Hey everybody. Thanks for choosing to take the time to read this.

So, I was involved with a married man. Over time, it started taking its toll on me. (He initiated the flirting, I stayed away because I knew he was married, he started initiating alone time, then he kissed me, and... not too much time after, we became involved.) I gave him plenty of outs, and myself, too.

I never thought I'd be involved with a married man, but now I understand how it can happen. I'm not saying it's right, but there you go.

Anyway, it came to the point where it started to get too much. I really supported his decision to make a change in his life. (He said his marriage was over for a few years already, but they hadn't done anything about it because of their kids and because he didn't like confrontation.) I wanted to make sure he wasn't taking steps to end his marriage because of me. I didn't want to be that person. He reassured me this was something he was going to do regardless.

We got close. We had a connection. He was the first 'boyfriend' to really support me, to not run away because of occassional mental health issues, and he was really open and willing to have that serious talk whenever it was necessary, and so much more.

Months later and he hadn't yet done anything about his situation. We exchanged advice and suggestions often. This eventually lead to me telling him that he should think about what this is doing to him, and to his kids. (I'm a child of divorce and knew what was going on even at a young age. Kids aren't stupid, they know when something is going on.) He said the entire time he's been thinking about what it's doing to me, and apologized, stated again his fear of confrontation, and that perhaps he got lazy, and also he's afraid of telling his kids about the lie he and their mother have been living for years now.

So, about a week ago, I told him he needed to fight for himself, for his kids... and for me. In order for me to invest more, I needed to see some action on his part. I hated having to do that, but the ambiguity was hurting me, and quite frankly, I started to worry he might lose custody of his kids if we were found out. I couldn't live with that. So, it was ultimatum-ish, which I didn't like, but I needed some kind of action either way. Light a fire under his bum so to speak, and stop the constant "we have feelings for each other" but can't do anything about it cycle.

A few days ago he came back and told me he started taking steps to move out, and then tell the kids. Finally, right? He also said he "can't do this" right now. His feelings for me hadn't changed, and he didn't want me to think he's running away because of the personal issues I disclosed (like previous bfs had) but he can't be there for me the way he'd like, or the way I need, and that it was hurtful for us both.

Agreed. I'm a very emotional (in the sense that I wear my heart on my sleeve) individual, but that day, I felt so numb, so emotionless. I was very quiet even after he asked if I wanted to say anything. I said no. What was I going to say, really? He asked if he could hug me. I didn't deny him that. We hugged and then he left. I've been feeling the need to cry since that day, but as soon as my eyes water up, the urge stops. I'm really confused about my reaction, or lack thereof. I know it was the right thing to do. The ambiguity is gone.

Where did my emotions go, though? It's almost like it was too easy. I've had amicable breakups before, but even then I showed more emotion (on my own time, mostly). I don't understand. I also don't know what I'm really asking from readers on here. I guess I just needed to get this out in a 'safe' place perhaps.

Anyway, thank you so much for reading my long ramble. If you feel struck in any way about any of this, I would like to hear from you. Much appreciated. Thank you.

Being involved with a married man should never be justified. Men that have affairs on their wife's always promise they are getting a divorce, along with other promises of trust and a future of happiness. Hopefully you learned a lesson. Think of all of the emotional pain you both put his wife through, and his children will learn of this sooner or later.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by chilekat2

Think of all of the emotional pain you both put his wife through, and his children will learn of this sooner or later.

I think Dolly over-cared about his children rather than under-cared about his children, and about his relationship with his children, so I do not see how she should be asked to care even MORE about his children than she already did.

On the emotional pain imputed to the wife, the situation was presented to Dolly as follows:

Originally Posted by Dolly75

He said his marriage was over for a few years already, but they hadn't done anything about it because of their kids and because he didn't like confrontation.) I wanted to make sure he wasn't taking steps to end his marriage because of me. I didn't want to be that person. He reassured me this was something he was going to do regardless.

unless the wife in a marriage which has already ended is still expected to feel emotional pain in the event that she finds about Dolly's presence in her husband's life (what would be the justification for feeling emotional pain in this scenario?), even though the relationship between the wife and the husband has already morphed into a formality and a sham for the (supposed) sake of the kids, how would have Dolly divined the possibility that the wife might end up feeling emotional pain?

Moreover, right now, and that was the main motivation behind the OP, Dolly does not feel her own emotions, even though, under the circumstances, she expects herself to feel emotions - yet, she does not feel emotions.

If a person does not feel her own emotions in a situation that calls for some emotional response, why do you expect her to empathize with the (supposed) emotions of the wife in a situation that does not call for an emotional response from the wife, per the facts presented by the guy?

That the guy might have mis-represented the facts is a completely different story and has already been discussed at length. But per his representation, the wife was not expected to feel emotional pain because she already detached herself from the guy.

[Dolly75]

Thank you to everybody who responded, and for your concern and support, too. I'm just checking in to say that I'm not yet in better spirits, but I'm allowing myself this time to heal and figure out how to move along, so I guess that in itself can be considered progress.

I expected some harsh comments and criticism, but unless you've been in any similar situation yourself, I don't expect you to fully understand. That's okay, though. I don't blame you.

To those who have been in similar situations, thank you for sharing and caring. It means a lot to know that I'm not the only one, and that life does go on even after such a thing.

So again, thank you to everybody. Should anything change, I'll post again. Have a wonderful weekend, xo

Originally Posted by chilekat2

Being involved with a married man should never be justified. Men that have affairs on their wife's always promise they are getting a divorce, along with other promises of trust and a future of happiness. Hopefully you learned a lesson. Think of all of the emotional pain you both put his wife through, and his children will learn of this sooner or later.

I don't see her as "justifying" anything, and she is going through enough pain, so I don't think she needs to "learn a lesson."
And you have no idea what kind of pain his wife is in or not...if their marriage really is over, she might be having an affair, too, because....women (even with children) cheat on men as well. And they act and say the same things as men do.
This is not a female-only thing, and it always irritates me when women are seen a certain way for having an affair with a married man when married women do the exact same thing.

I am sorry for the pain you are going through Dolly, and the situation is just really sad and unfortunate all around. Hugs to you.