[seeker1950]

Hi all, I hate to post about this, but maybe someone here will have insights. A year ago, I became involved with a fella and quickly became involved sexually. I was in over my head and got hurt badly when he revealed he didn't feel love for me. I spent the past year going thru the grief process and now am better. I've posted here that I am no longer looking for a relationship, but the truth is....I'm afraid of another intimate relationship. It was just too damn painful. In my recovery process, I've programmed myself to abhorr the idea of intimacy! Now, though a couple of fellas are calling me, I'm putting them off. One is an old high school friend, recently divorced, who wants to "sew his oats" and have a good time. I like him, but I've been there/done that!
Any thoughts are appreciated.
Patty

[bebop]

to me if one programs themself against an intimate relationship could end up missing out on the ONE TRUE LOVE. I know it hurts like crazy to lose a close relationship, but I had to learn to move on. There are more fish than the one that got away. To me always something better out there.
(((((seeker))))))

[(JD)]

Hmmm well??? You know... I'm of the belief that the sexual relationship belongs only in the marriage relationship. There are millions of ppl who have close relationships without sex. I encourage you to try thinking along those lines.. and stay celebate as a choice for now. TC!

[seeker1950]

Celibacy is definitely the healthier choice for me, with our without a relationship for now. Love and trust must come before sex, if I am to remain emotionallly balanced.
Thanks, Be and Sky!
Patty

[Determined]

I agree with the rest. Sex remains in the marraige. If the fella can't deal with waiting he doesn't love you he wants sex. It is better to wait then if love exists, you will know and can enjoy sex again.

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Determined...
I am not suggesting this is the right choice for everyone, and do not condemn premarital sex. In the choices I've made since my divorce, however, in building relationships, I actually FELT secure and that trust was there, only to be hurt and very disappointed, especially with myself, wishing I had been smarter and abstained from sex. So, in my case, abstinance is the healthier choice, and if the guy can't handle it, I guess I'd feel bad, but will be taking care of myself for a change instead of someone else's needs!
Patty

[drunksunflower]

To me love and trust means a lot more than a piece of paper saying you're 'married'.

[Determined]

I agree too that you don't need a piece of paper to know when the relationship is committed and trustworthy. However, I would wait. I have to say I have met people who never had sex for years during their courtship. It was their decision to get to know each other very well before they put the icing on the cake so to speak. If one can do this the cake part will taste alot better and realizing the icing isn't the only good part of the cake.

[jennie]

seeker1950 . . . what do you mean when you write "the thought of sex traumatizes me?" can you clarify why you choose to use the word traumatize?

[seeker1950]

That's a good question, Jennie...I don't think "traumatize" is too strong a word for how I feel.
I associate my sexual experiences with intense hurt, humiliation, loss, and have conditioned myself to think of it with a kind of revulsion.
The work of recovery has taken many years of my life when I could have been more productive.
I want to add something here, though....about waiting till one is married. I guess I've had a LOT of experience sexually compared to many women my age (55). I would not want to wait till married to know the type of lover I was marrying. I can think of one man who was truly horrific in bed! Whew!~ We talked about marriage but his lovemaking was abhorrent!
My mistake was engaging in sex too soon in the relationships I've had. These were all longterm relationships which deteriorated over months or years.
I opened myself up to it, emotionally and physically, and would have been wiser to have waited much longer before allowing myself to be trusting and vulnerable.
Patty

[alisandria]

Hi Patty,
I'd opt not to get involved with the one that wants to "sew his oats" he's already telling you all he wants is hay. I am sorry you feel so traumatized by sex, however, you conditioned yourself to feel that way (upon your own admissions) you can undo it as well. How bout looking at this from another perspective? Sex isn't making the relationships, it doesn't equate love. I think some generations of women do believe sex=love, not saying you feel this way. Maybe you need to ask yourself why you jumped to fast from the get go??? Once you figure that out, you can take it from there. I think waiting (and I am not saying for marraige) makes the sex so much better, and if the partner turns out to be a turd in the meantime, well, I haven't opened myself up to poo poo. Put it in your mind you will NOT have sex until.....and that's it. Discipline! I don't kiss on a first date-my rule. I won't have sex with anyone until I can really feel that connection, and I know it's right for me. Even if it means a year or so, or not at all. I have been cast aside for not putting out. You know what though? That shows me what he was after to begin with, and his loss cause I really rawk-lol!!! You are in a really wonderful, free phase of your life, don't let what happened cheat you out of something that could be good. It's true, there are more fish in the sea, and by the way the sharks aren't all that hard to spot-they eat oats!!! hugs, Lisa

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Lisa, and you are so RIGHT!
I truly was disappointed with the old high school friend who stated at the outset that he wanted to sew his oats! He's still calling, testing the waters I guess, but I am not biting. I've already confirmed within myself that a man must show me that he values me and respects me before I would even agree to casual dating!
Thanks again
Patty

[goldmaiden]

Wow. it would be nice to feel like you could have a sexual relationship with someone wouldn't it?

[krzyk101]

Hi, I understand what it means to be 'traumatized' with the thoughts of sex. I think it seems to be for me the years of my younger days that I had the sex=love. I thought that sex was actually required to be in a loving relationship or that a relationship could not even be possible without sex. I think that the media and on TV it is like if your not having sex right away in the relationship that there is something wrong with you.

I have been celibate for over 4 years now and the thought of an intimate relationship without sex even scares me as I have been hurt too many times to be able to trust another as it is right now in my life, I have a difficult time with friendship level relationships and even that is difficult.

I think that if a person is in love that as the others say it meens that they are willing to wait until you are ready to go to the next step or next level in the relatinship and would understand and respect the fact that sex scares you and be supportive from the start to be understaning in your fears of intimacy and as trust is earned, be able to wait until they have earned your trust no matter how many weeks, months, years it takes for you to be ready to know for sure that it would not traumatize you to be intimate with them and stand by you until then.

[Rebel74]

Not much encouragement, but just wanted to say I feel the same way. I've had a couple of really bad experiences and now... just thinking about going on a date freaks me out. Part of it is not being able to tell which are the good guys and which are the creeps. But you already know that the one guy just wants sex... so avoid him. As for the other guy - if you like him, go out with him... but keep your dates out in public as long as you feel you need to. Don't invite him home -don't go over to his place if you think it could lead to something you're not ready for.

[seeker1950]

Krz and Rebel...You have voiced much of my own thoughts in this subject.
For now, for me, I've made it kind of a non-issue, pursuing my interests in my grad studies, my art and my teaching job. I know there is a void, but considering my previous experiences, maybe that is something I will learn to live with! That is not such a bad thing for me....A counselor once asked me, "Have you ever considered how much you could accomplish if you weren't focusing all your energy on these dysfunctional relationships?" I was totally devoted, giving all my energy to the relationships I tried to establish, only to be disappointed. Recovery was a longterm process. Now, for better or worse, I have focused on me, not selfishly, but healthily and trying to build my life alone. It is peaceful.
Patty