[curlyq]

Me and my mom are not as close as we once were and we even have had many periods of not speaking over the years. There has been a lot of water over the bridge, lots of misunderstandings, some neglect and lots of heartache endured.

We were not speaking for about a year this time and then I learned about a month ago that my mother has cancer. I was torn apart for weeks after I found out she had surgery and this is a recurring cancer. The thought that came to me is that if I do not call her we may never speak again and she may very well die. I knew she did not want to call me because she is more stubborn than I. So, I just picked up the phone one day and called her and said I called to see how you're doing. I also wanted her to have some support of someone calling. Support can help a sick person.

I have left the past behind because this is life and death and I do love her despite all the water over the brigde, etc. I realize she is not going to change and I called. I don't regret it.

I feel bad for her because she is in pain all the time and sometimes it gets real bad. They don't know what is causing the pain at this point but they operated and got a small tumor out.

She still sounds like she has a lot of energy still but I know my mom may not live forever now and I just can't be so stubborn as to not try to help. I love her and forgive her and I'm trying to understand her. I sure as heck have not been perfect either, who is? So, I would want forgiveness and so I give it.

Just wanted to ask for anyone to say prayers for my mom. For CQs mom. Thanks in advance. CQ

<font color=purple>"In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule." Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil</font color=purple>

[DocJohn]

Both you and your mom will be in my thoughts and prayers...

It was so good of you to reach out and put your differences in the past at this time of your mom's need. Nothing is worth not speaking for years, especially when someone is possibly dying.

I wasn't happy to read that the doctors aren't doing more for her pain. Doctors can be real stupid sometimes when it comes to pain, because it's so subjective and they can't measure it. Some stupid doctors would rather a person suffer than become addicted to morphine! Plus they're a little afraid to prescribe, because it's so carefully controlled (or any pain killer). I hope she finds a way to get the docs to prescribe enough to help her with that.

And again, bravo for taking that first step. That took a lot of courage and strength, I'm sure, and I doubt you will ever regret for doing it.

Best,
John

[j_belle]

May you and your mom be given the love and strength to endure during this difficult time.

(I'm proud of you, CQ!)

<font color=green> One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful. - Sigmund Freud </font color=green>

[kitty]

CQ - I am sure your mother really felt good that you contacted her. I will definitely keep both you and she in my thoughts.

[darkeyes]

CQ,
Hi, I am sorry to hear about your mom, but I am glad that you are trying to make peace with her, that is so important at a time like this, for both of you. With much hope your mom will see that you really do love her regardless of the past, and yes that is how it should stay "the past". She should understand that you forgive her for whatever wrong doings there was, and she needs to do the same. If her end comes you both need to depart in peace. My father is in his last stages of emphysema and his health is getting worse, I told my psychiatrist that I started to get stressed again over this cause I fear losing him and I do not know how I'll be able to handle it even though this is part of life, I am still upset, especially when dad reminds us how it won't be long. This sucks doesn't it? One thing that gives me consolation is that we have a good relationship even if he always called me a "moron", ha!ha! When he came home from the hospital after an emergency brain injury I left him with a little letter telling him that now that I am a parent I can truly appreciate how he made sacrifices, and worked hard daily in a sweatshop just to take care of mom and us 3 kids, today I can't picture people of my generation making as many sacrifices. I also told him that I forgave him for some of the mean things he has said to me and all the brutal beatings as a kid. He was so happy that it was like "medicine" for him, and I begged him not to give up the family and grandkids need him to be here cause he really was in a bad depression after having several prostate surgeries too. He had wasted away to 120lbs and being 6ft is bad he look like something from a concentration camp. Now he has gained a lot of weight over the past 4yrs. But he is now feeling bad with his deteriorating health. You and I have to just try to keep our chins up the best we can dear. Continue to keep peace with mom. You both are in my thoughts.
XXOO
"darkeyes"

[curlyq]

Thanks DocJohn, j_belle, kitty and Darkeyes for your thoughts, ideas, and prayers. They are immensely appreciated.

As for the pain, she was only given a small amount of painkillers by one of the doctors and is supposed to go back to her regular MD again. Then she was given a treatment to reduce the pain and that treatment made it worse so she discontinued it. Can't blame her. I tried to encourage her to ask her doctor for something else for the pain. We discussed some medicines, too. I feel she needs a second opinion on things, too, because some tests were fouled up and no real opinion was diagnosed on some of the pain. But she does have the cancer diagnoses none-the-less. She does not like going to doctors much either but at least she is going still.

Sorry to hear about your father Darkeyes. It's hard to see people deteriorating for sure.

Thanks again everyone. CQ

<font color=purple>"In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule." Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil</font color=purple>

[darkeyes]

Hey there,
Just got word dad's back in the hospital (911) severe pain with elimination problems (some due to emphysema medications) he was impacted over the weekend, cleared out at the hospital as best as possible but had severe pains again, I'll be finding out more info tonite, that's if my mother answers the phone, cause of their bad past together she has NO compassion for him CQ it sounds like you are doing a good job in keeping up with things with your mom, sometimes some doctors and their staff can really lack compassion. But I do not lose total faith because I have seen some that have gone beyond their call of duty, though they are far and few, we need to keep the faith, sometimes that is all we have Please take care of yourself.
XXOO
"darkeyes"

[mj14]

curlyq, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's health. And you should be very proud of yourself for putting the past behind you to be with her when she needs you. You know, I think forgiveness does more to help the forgiver than the forgiven, if that makes any sense. I pray that your mother and you both find some healing during this time.

mj

[curlyq]

Thanks Darkeyes and mj14 for your replies. I agree we need to keep the faith and find answers. I really believe in the second opinion idea because it saved me once. Best wishes for you and your family, Darkeyes, and to everyone, too.

<font color=purple>"In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule." Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil</font color=purple>

[morning8glory]

I feel for you and your mom we seem to have some stuff in common.
Age and interest in life.
I read your Bio.
I am sorry your mom is very ill and you are in pain over it.
I am always afraid my mom is ill.
So if I hear one day she has cancer that will take her life it will not suprise me at all.
She complains about strange aches and pains but will not take care of her self or see a doctor.
I got very involved by telephone about a year and 1\2 ago after I learn her home was condemned and she had no place to call home. She had places to stay she refused.
No one in the family called to tell me.
When I found out.
I was on the phone talking to every one in the city and found out she was on the phone calling every one about her 22 sick homeless animals.
I was told by a social worker that if she can call all those people about homes for her animals she can care for her self.
She was extremely sick in her mind and was taken to the Hospital but my youngest sister removed her from hospital and then she had a sick suicidal women on her hands that she could not keep at her home or help so she dropped her off in the town she came from at night by her self.
I was so worried but too sick to go up to PA at the time and take care of stuff from that end.
My aunt her sister took charge and would not talk with the Social workers , family or the rest of the city that was trying to get care for my mother. My aunt even went to the extreme to go against any good we did to did to try to get her some medical help for mental illness.
My baby brother took on the finances paid all the back unpaid bills and fixed up the house.
Got her back into the city condemned house she would not leave the yard and set up a tent city in the yard untill he did.
The city police force and social workers drove by her yard often to check on her and I was able to call them to check on things. She hated any one trying to help.
Most the animals were put sleep.
But it did not solve the major problem.
Her animal population is growing again for the 3rd time .
One sister gives her pets that are not fixed.
My mom is sick and so stuborn about getting real help.
She will end up in a bad situation again.
One social worker told me that was the situation she was using to control us all that year.
Another social worker told me she was most afraid of me because if I had to come all the way up there as sick as I am I will take legal action and she will be put in a hospital .
But I do not think I could even do that because evey one would work against me.
My youngest brother rarely sees her he just pays her bills and sends her money. He does not want her to receive mental health care he is against it.
The older brother checks on her and gives her meals at times but he is not well mentally and he is an acoholic and burned his brain on drugs and his wife has an eating disorder and other illness they also have a 4 year old.
Both sisters keep in touch with her and they fight all the time with her but both sisters are sick and very poor.
They are very confused as to what would help her. They can't even help them selves .
One sister can not handle things and just disappears when things are bad and the other one says if we put mom in the hospital because she threatens to kill her self it is unloving and like stabbing her.
I tried to get my moms brothers and some other sisters to help her who they wanted nothing to do with her.
She has 7 brothers and sisters.
I called one of her sisters who is a nurse and she did go to see her and kept a watch on her.
I got threaten by other family members like they were going to take me to court for some thing not sure what that was all about. One Aunt was going to call TV stations ?
It was in the news papers on front page and my mother never called me for help. I got a hold of her twice calling all over town to find her.
She would go visit people and people would tell me what time to call the house to reach her.
She would never remember that I called her.
People were so suprised to find out that talked to every one in the city who was involved in trying to help her.
It is so sad I want so much for her.
Her life could be so much better.
She won't leave her little area to visit a nice place.
She blows money very badly so she does not have the best of stuff. She will buy out a whole yard sale or 200 pair of plastic shoes because they are 1.00 each. People take disadvantage of this and sell her every thing.
Thats another reason why I do not want her calling and talking for hours my brother ho joined the military to get away from town at a very young age pays the main bills for her.
I love my mother very much but I can not help her if she will not except my help in the way I can help.
I want her to see a good doctor I even wanted to pay for it because that is an excuse she uses no money.
I had 3 yard sales so I could send her to a doctor and then my dad told me my mom had 3000. from her mothers estate in the same month I had 3 yard sales and my dad said my mom just spent the money on nothing worth spending it on. So I never sent her the money .I sent it to my baby brother instead when he and his wife bought a first home of their own to live in.
They own moms home but no one can live with her.
It is so sad that it at times takes an illness like cancer to bring loved ones together.
My mom was in an accident that almost took her life when I was 20 years old and I did not find out that she was in a Nursing home for days after the accident.
It was after a bad accident I had that broke my jaw and I was in the hospital for 5 days and it took several months to recover and the first person I asked my husband to call was my mom and she only came to see me once in all the time.
Again her sister took over when my mom was in a motor cycle accident that almost took her life. .
I always thought that I would have the main responibility of my mom but it looks as if I will not have any say in her health care. She is not even dead and my sisters fight about her burial. One says Mom can not be burned into ashes that is hatefull. But thats what mom wants.
I have told mom what ever she wants she can have if the rest allow it.
I told her she better write her own article for the paper because if she lets it up to my brother and sisters it will be a very bad article after she dies. She likes that idea.
So I think I have come to turns with the fact she will die one day and I hate to say it but she is so tormented that she will be at peace when she dies.
I am afraid that I could be like her and I have talked with my husband and asked him if I ever showed signs of the kind of illness she has will you please see that I get help.
I talked with the Doctor that I see most often and he see me in Church and I told him about my mom and I asked him the same thing. I said if I ever show signs of that type of illness will you make sure I get help.
He said he did not know it was that bad with my mom.
They both said they would see I got the help I needed .
I hope your reunion with your mom is a good one.
I hope the days can be peacefull.
I hope her illness does not linger long.
I hope you can come to terms with it.
Pray does do good.
Jeanie

[curlyq]

thanks for your response and well wishes Morning8glory. It is not certain what her bad pain is yet. They will not say because they don't exactly know and fouled up a test badly, too. That's why I'm hoping she will get a second opinion. She is sounding not so bad and still getting around okay. She has pain but it lightens up a lot at times. She has better days. I'm hoping she will feel better and she will be around, too. As far as we know so far it has not spread. Take care, CQ

[b]<font color=red>"Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity." Socrates</font color=red>

[morning8glory]

It sounds good getting a second opinion.
I hope your mom can live a good low pain life for a while so you can renew your relationship with her.
Some people do well with illness.
I have a great Aunt who is a bit older than my mom and she has bone cancer that has spread to other area's she is dying but she is so sweet and happy. I have talked to her a couple of times on the phone and she is so nice and still giggles.
You being in your moms life now that you are getting along good will help her also being positive helps sick people and she won't have the guilt of not having a good relationship with you to worry over.
I heard it said Love heals.
Jeanie

[curlyq]

Thanks for your kind words Morning8glory. I guess we just pick up the pieces and try to make them fit somehow the best ways we can. If that makes sense. I don't know how good our relationship will or can get but I'm trying to just be there and take what comes and then try to figure how to deal with it. Like just trying to sense what may be best as things go. She has others in the family to talk to, too. We are all in the dark in some ways on this and then don't want to figure the worst at this point. I hate to see her in pain and hurting though. I'm going to call her in a few days. She doesn't like to talk at times when she doesn't feel real well so I'm giving her the space she needs, too, hopefully. Yet, I'll be there. She also can call me. Feeling sad now but that's to be expected. Best wishes to you. CQ

[b]<font color=red>"Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity." Socrates</font color=red>