[nicolerose]

so there is this guy.. he is much older than me, 50+ but he looks 40, im in my late 20s
i feel like i love him but he has no idea, and the problem is that he already has a gf, he was divorced before so this is a newer relationship since the past few years i guess, i think shes close to my age maybe a couple years more, and shes really beautiful. it makes me feel like im not good enough for him sometimes but i try not to think that way.

i thought the feeling would pass but its been a year and i still think about him a lot and the feelings are really strong. i know hes old but actually he doesnt look old. he looks years younger than george clooney, david duchovny, and a lot of other actors in their 50's that younger girls like. and he is still in pretty decent shape.

he has soft brown hair (he has all his hair still), gentle eyes, his arms are really fit, i want to touch them. hes very respectful, kind, and any other good things that you can think of.
its not that i want to spend the rest of my life with him or anything like that, i know that wouldnt work out.

but i do want some things with him, badly, and i dont know if i should tell him or not. i think about him a lot.. sexually. but also i want to travel with him and go to nice dinners to him, talk to him and have him take me out to different places. but i think i would take a sexual relationship, or maybe i think this way because im afraid that anything more than that is even more impossible.

i dont know why, but there isnt any guy my age that i have felt the same way about. most of my friends growing up have been guys, if i ever had any friend at all.

i wish that i could tell him how much i want him and what i want to do with him, but i think that he his natural reaction might be to avoid me, and i dont want things to get awkward. hes not the cheating type, hes very respectful to everyone. but i wish that i can tell him that i wish that he can do something with me before he dies, maybe he'll live another 10 years or so. do you think that i should tell him, and what do you think that he will say if i told him that?

sometimes my mind wanders and im just sitting around and then suddenly my thoughts go to him. i think about him taking me out, even us being in public and what we might look like together (maybe some people will think its strange that im with someone older, but actually he doesnt look old.. he "looks" 40"). and i want to do some things to him, sexually, and i want him to do some things with me, and i just think about some things like that. i think about what his touch would feel like. when he was younger he was really handsome, and he was on some sports team, i think wrestling and stuff. hes a "big guy", and im small compared to him.

he lives in another state, but i email him about once a week. it really hurts every time that i think about him and that we cant be together, but i dont want him out of my life. i dont know why i torture myself, that id rather have him in my life, even though it hurts so much. i hope that one day that he will break up with his gf, and then maybe i can tell him then.

but if a guy has a gf, and he isnt going to cheat on her, what would his reaction be if another girl confesses to him how much that she likes him and wants to have sex with him, that she wants him and what she wants to do with him, and tells him things like that? will he avoid her or will he agree to it? do you think that its still possible to talk without it being awkward if i told him these things?

[leaJ]

I am wondering what your relationship is like with your father. The reason I ask is because I saw alot of the same qualities in my ex husband, who is 18 years older than me, and I had pretty much no relationship with my own father my whole life. I think this might have something to do with the attraction???
BTW...he's probably going to live much longer than another 10 years...lol

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

but if a guy has a gf, and he isnt going to cheat on her, what would his reaction be if another girl confesses to him how much that she likes him and wants to have sex with him, that she wants him and what she wants to do with him, and tells him things like that? will he avoid her or will he agree to it? do you think that its still possible to talk without it being awkward if i told him these things?

That is the only issue you have. There is no issue with age. You are too focused on trying to justify the fact that you are attracted to an older guy. Just accept it - it does not need any justification and does not need long paragraphs of text.

Focus on this issue, please. There might be different takes on this one, but forget about the age difference altogether.

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That is the only issue you have. There is no issue with age. You are too focused on trying to justify the fact that you are attracted to an older guy. Just accept it - it does not need any justification and does not need long paragraphs of text.

Focus on this issue, please. There might be different takes on this one, but forget about the age difference altogether.

yeah you are right, this is the problem

personally the age doesnt bother me, i guess i tried to justify it because i have heard a reaction like, he is too old for you. like i can imagine people thinking that it would never work for someone who is 50 years old to date someone 20 something.

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by leaJ

I am wondering what your relationship is like with your father. The reason I ask is because I saw alot of the same qualities in my ex husband, who is 18 years older than me, and I had pretty much no relationship with my own father my whole life. I think this might have something to do with the attraction???
BTW...he's probably going to live much longer than another 10 years...lol

im not close to my father or anyone in my family really. he was very aloof,
he provided for my family by working a lot but he was never there for me emotionally.

but i dont think this has to do with my father. when i met this guy i didnt even know his age and i thought maybe he was 40. i dont really find older men to be attractive in general. just him and i wish that this guy weren't so old. i mean i wish there was an available, younger version of him.

i understated his age i think that hes actually closer to 60
but i didnt want the responses to all be like hes too old for you or something because i am fine with the age
and im not looking to spend the rest of my life with him or anything
maybe hell live more than 10 years (i hope) lol
but i wish i can ask him if he can do some things with me before he dies, lol

[leaJ]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

im not close to my father or anyone in my family really. he was very aloof,
he provided for my family by working a lot but he was never there for me emotionally.

but i dont think this has to do with my father. when i met this guy i didnt even know his age and i thought maybe he was 40. i dont really find older men to be attractive in general. just him and i wish that this guy weren't so old. i mean i wish there was an available, younger version of him.

i understated his age i think that hes actually closer to 60
but i didnt want the responses to all be like hes too old for you or something because i am fine with the age
and im not looking to spend the rest of my life with him or anything
maybe hell live more than 10 years (i hope) lol
but i wish i can ask him if he can do some things with me before he dies, lol

Well, to me, age doesn't matter at all. And it's really not anyone else's place to judge you. I got ALOT of not-so-nice comments when I was with my ex husband, because people assume that I was only with him for his money. He actually treated me better than anyone else ever came close to, and he was chasing me around for 4 years before I even considered dating him.
I agree that the only real issue you have is that he has a girlfriend. I wouldn't expect much to come of it, and if it did, I doubt if you would have the same kind of respect for him if he cheated on his girlfriend. But I don't think there is any harm in letting him know how you feel and getting it off your chest. As long as you make it clear that you aren't expecting him to leave his gf or anything and you are respectful about it (which you seem to be), I don't see any reason for him to avoid you.

[nicolerose]

do you think though that it would become awkward? i think i might feel a little embarrassed that i told him and maybe he doesnt even feel the same way about me. and maybe its not a good idea to tell him now, since he has a gf. maybe i should wait until he doesnt have a gf anymore if that ever happens, to tell him?

do you think its too explicit to tell someone that you want to have sex with them? and that i want to do with this and other things with him before he dies. i dont know what he is going to think of me, i dont want him to think that im slutty or something. i think that now he kind of respects me, but then again he is respectful to everyone. but im afraid that if i tell him this he will think of me differently and not in a good way.

and i dont know if i would even email him or try to call him to tell him something like that, im not really that close to him, we dont usually talk on the phone so itd be strange to suddenly call him and tell him this. and i think that id get nervous and itd just sound really awkward and embarrassing.

[leaJ]

You could always try just getting to know him a little better, maybe try to be friends, ask him out for coffee...you know, stuff like that. Until you have a chance to feel him out a little more and try to get an idea of whether or not he feels the same way. Do you know how serious it is with his girlfriend? I know it might appear to be a serious relationship, but you never know until you ask.

[Seshat]

I think you shouldn't. He's taken.

[leaJ]

Originally Posted by Seshat

I think you shouldn't. He's taken.

If he truly is taken, I agree with this. However, I've seen a lot of older guys in "relationships" with much younger women and found out that they were in an open relationship, or were really only dating without the expectation of a relationship...etc. If he really is in a serious relationship, you have to be prepared to accept rejection gracefully though. Also, there is the possibility that he may tell his girlfriend. For me personally, if I was dating someone and some other girl approached my boyfriend in such a way, I wouldn't be angry at her for it. It happens all the time, and he should be prepared to deal with it appropriately, if he really is a respectable guy.

[~Christina]

He has a girlfriend. It is kind of confusing to me.... You really don't know this man? You have lots of things you want to do with him? .... you say it feels like love ? Maybe more like a Crush maybe?

Good luck with your decision.

[unaluna]

Aren't you kind of objectifying this person? Putting the cart before the horse? I mean, you do things together with a person to get to know them, or to share the experience with them, but do you even know this person? If I were you, I would look to make friends closer to home. Maybe try to fix my relationship with my father. Im 61 and not planning to die soon, and really not planning to entertain some 20 year old and their fantasy - I dont get it. We're real people ya know.

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by hankster

Aren't you kind of objectifying this person? Putting the cart before the horse? I mean, you do things together with a person to get to know them, or to share the experience with them, but do you even know this person? If I were you, I would look to make friends closer to home. Maybe try to fix my relationship with my father. Im 61 and not planning to die soon, and really not planning to entertain some 20 year old and their fantasy - I dont get it. We're real people ya know.

i wasnt really "trying" to objectify him, but i cant really help how i feel about him and thinking about him. i think that he is physically attractive. he is "big" (big, sexy arms) compared to me and i think about him putting his entire body over me. i cant really help thinking this way.
he has hair on his arms like this
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/...77_468x670.jpg

i dont want him to die of course. i mean that i wanted to tell him that i wanted to do some things so much that i hope he will do it with me "sometime in his life", thats how much i wanted it.

im closer to 30, i know its still a big difference. but if a girl tells you that they think that you are physically attractive, or sexy, hot, that they want to have ex with you, do you think thats offensive? not a little flattering at all?
i hope that if i can ever tell him these things that he would be flattered

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

He has a girlfriend. It is kind of confusing to me.... You really don't know this man? You have lots of things you want to do with him? .... you say it feels like love ? Maybe more like a Crush maybe?

Good luck with your decision.

i dont know the thing is that the feeling is so powerful that i cannot stop thinking about it
i get crushes sometimes on a waiter, or on an actor, but i dont feel this same way about any of them.

i know its not really "love" since i dont know him that well but from what i do know, i think that i can love him. maybe it makes me shallow but what i know so far is enough to make me love him and there isnt really anything that he can do that i wouldnt love him anymore, unless it were something so terrible like he is a criminal or he cheats or something. (and i dont think that he is the cheating type or a criminal).

i cant really help how i feel about him, thinking about him all the time, it feels like more than a crush
its not only "lust" either because there are a lot of "hot guys" in the world but i dont think about them. doing the same sexual things with other people (the things that i think about doing with him) wouldnt stop my feelings that i have for him

[nicolerose]

another thing that i am afraid of, just in general is that if i am the one to confess my feelings to a guy first, i am afraid that he will get tired of me. its like then i am the one chasing him, but i want it to be the other way around like that he chases me. but maybe that will never happen because im not that girl that every guy is chasing, i wish i were one of those girls that are chased by guys in their life.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

im closer to 30, i know its still a big difference. but if a girl tells you that they think that you are physically attractive, or sexy, hot, that they want to have ex with you, do you think thats offensive? not a little flattering at all?
i hope that if i can ever tell him these things that he would be flattered

Not, not offensive, but rather flattering (and would be so even without such a big age difference, as a note in passing...), true... but he might also feel threatened, conflicted, or a whole host of other things... but no, not offended.

That does not answer your question though.

[nicolerose]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Not, not offensive, but rather flattering (and would be so even without such a big age difference, as a note in passing...), true... but he might also feel threatened, conflicted, or a whole host of other things... but no, not offended.

That does not answer your question though.

why do you think hell feel threatened?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by nicolerose

why do you think hell feel threatened?

because he might not be looking for adventures before he learns about your interest and then after he learns of your interest he might feel that all of a sudden he'd want to be looking for adventures, and at that point he might wish to go back to his initial state of not looking for adventures because in that initial state he was more comfortable, more self-assured, more in sync with his current sexual partner, and other such things he might value a lot

[~Christina]

Silly question maybe but....

How do you know of this man? Have you ever actually met him?

You want him to chase you...Okay, but if you tell him all these feelings you have, it would really turn into you chasing him... he is currently in a relationship... How would you feel if he cheated on his current girlfriend to be with you? You have a very complex situation , it just feels like something is missing....

[scorpiosis37]

After reading all of the posts, I think I would recommend NOT telling him-- at least not while he is in a relationship. If he is happy and in love with his current partner and not the cheating type, he would probably find your confession uncomfortable, disrespectful, offensive and (if you don't know him well) a little creepy. It may make him cut off all communication with you. Depending on his relationship with his current partner, he may feel that it is "the right thing to do" to show her your confession and she might ask him to cut off communication with you as well, out of respect for her. The only way I see this turning out well for you is if he IS the cheating type (but is that really what you want?)

If this guy were one of your closest friends and you saw each other all the time, then I would encourage you to disclose your feelings because they would inevitably get in the way of the friendship. But since you barely know this guy, that doesn't seem to be an issue.