[rolan86]

Met a girl on okcupid, and she seems interested in me. I feel so weird right now. I am just so torn as to whether I should go on a date with this girl. The age difference is sort of bothering me. I'm 20 and she is 26. I don't get why I am feeling this way. I have ALWAYS wanted to get with an older girl, if even just to be friends, and I really want to meet her.. it's just that the age gap is sort of intimidating for me. I mean I'm still in college and she already has a masters degree. She knows my age, and still seems to be interested in me, so I guess age doesn't matter for her if she's still texting me. Should this be bothering me? Am I doing something wrong? I just don't know what we would do on a date, or if hanging out. I'd feel like a little kid, like she were a baby sitter or something. Like how much could we relate with each other? Like I just feel it might make her feel like she is chaperoning me or something like that. ughh... Part of me wants to meet her very much, and the other part just wants to run away as fast as I can, delete her contact, and just forget everything and hide. One thing I know for certain though. If I chicken out and run away, I know for a FACT 100% GUARANTEED I will regret. Absolutely NO doubt in my mind about that. When I look back on this summer, once already back at college, I would think. wow. why did I ever let that opportunity go... I messed up big time... I want to look back on this summer and think wow. I met an amazing girl this summer. And just smile. Even if we just remain friends I want to meet her. And with the whole age gap thing, I don't get it. I have ALWAYS wanted to get with/be friends with an older girl. Why is it just that I am 20 that makes this weird? For ANY age of mine it would be the same. Older girl implies age gap. Why can't I just be comfortable about this...

[Poppy Princess]

That's really not a big age difference... at all.

[hamster-bamster]

I think you need to relax, stop planning so much, and just go meet her and then play it by ear. You are posting a second - and almost identical - post about it, so this is bothering you a lot.

You need to realize that she is an adult woman who makes her own decisions. If she wants to meet you, she must be at least on some level interested. Do not second-guess her choices. You are being very inconsistent, in that you, on the one hand, are afraid that she would be babysitting you, and yet, you are, in essence, trying to babysit HER by making the decision on whether to meet you for her.

It is much better to have adult-to-adult relationships, in which neither party babysits the other. To have an adult-to-adult relationship, you do not need to be the same age at all, but you should know about boundaries. By second-guessing and doubting HER choices, you are overstepping personal boundaries.

[Jannaku]

Hey you only live once so go for it. I don't perceive 6 years as being a huge age difference anyhow. If she's keen and you've wanted an older girl then maybe this will end up being a match made in heaven. Stop getting anxious about it and just let yourself be who you are and don't try and act more mature or anything. All the best and enjoy your date x

[unaluna]

Yeah I think my 2nd husband was 6 years younger. Maybe 8. You'd think I would remember these things!! And I dated a guy 10 years younger for a while. I think a good rule of thumb is, if you can't technically be the other person's parent, dont even worry about the age gap.

[RoseBee]

I think age doesn't matter until ten years. My ex and I were 14 years apart and that was too much.

Interesting, I have a LONG time ex (12+ years on and off) who was 14 years older then me, too!

Anyway, I don't think 6 years is a big deal at all. What matters most is respect and communication, and finding things in common you can do while you get to know each other better.

Ask her what she likes to do if you get stuck on date ideas. You can always meet at a coffee shop or book store to begin with. And there is always lunch if you want to keep it less formal then dinner...good luck, and I say meet her!

[rise__above]

Not a big difference at all. My partner is 4 years older than me.

[High Treason]

My largest age gap was 12 years I think. Shortest was 2 years. They both ended just as badly. So, age difference doesn't matter.

[Perna]

I think when you are older, you won't think of women that way. That you are still thinking "girl" and that the gap makes a difference is from you/your past "education"/training growing up. Is your mother older than your father or is there some other couple you know like that where the relationship is an obvious problem?

I would go on the date for the experience, try not to think longer term, you've always wanted to meet/go out with an older woman, here's a chance to see what that might be like. I'd set a "lunch" date and drive to the country/water/mountains, somewhere slightly exotic and where there's a good restaurant or chance to picnic and just see how conversation and everything goes.

You've said that you're aware that really any woman - no matter what her age, is going to be an issue for you. I think you've become so determined to experience what you feel is necessary at your age, you're unsure if you even want it. If you're having doubts you either need to explain that you don't feel you're ready at the moment or carefully describe how you feel in the hope that you both reach a resolution.

Now, most 26 year old people will probably understand and if they allow for you to elaborate, explain that you're concerned about what it is you would have in common. DON'T MENTION THE AGE GAP - unless she suggests it and this may give her the chance to take the pressure off and suggest a more engaging activity that won't let you dwell too much on the minute by minute details of the date or whatever it is you want to call it. To be honest if you've got on well up until this point then clearly you do have SOMETHING in common and i don't see why the transfer over to a real life situation would somehow stunt that.

I know most people suggest that going to the cinema is uninventive and doesn't allow for a lot of conversation. In your case that might be a good thing - it will help you determine whether you can just be comfortable in her company and want to get to know her more without a lot of continuous back and forth to cloud your thinking. All being well afterwards, you can grab a bite to eat and have the movie as something to discuss - it's the reason why the cinema has been fool proof for so long and shouldn't be undervalued!

You just need a bit of tact and remember that you too are an adult despite how inexperienced you feel in this aspect. If you don't want to pursue this sort of thing at the moment then as an adult you reserve that right. You also have a right to express how you feel. Try and focus on how empowering it is to have those possibilities at your command rather than feeling like a kid who's got to choose between having a clown or a bouncy castle for his birthday. If you don't go out with this girl, at least it's some experience you've gained and there will plenty of time to do it again. There is NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to be gained. You've just got to adjust your mindset a bit better.

[Sapphyreopal5]

Originally Posted by rolan86

Met a girl on okcupid, and she seems interested in me. I feel so weird right now. I am just so torn as to whether I should go on a date with this girl. The age difference is sort of bothering me. I'm 20 and she is 26. I don't get why I am feeling this way. I have ALWAYS wanted to get with an older girl, if even just to be friends, and I really want to meet her.. it's just that the age gap is sort of intimidating for me. I mean I'm still in college and she already has a masters degree. She knows my age, and still seems to be interested in me, so I guess age doesn't matter for her if she's still texting me. Should this be bothering me? Am I doing something wrong? I just don't know what we would do on a date, or if hanging out. I'd feel like a little kid, like she were a baby sitter or something. Like how much could we relate with each other? Like I just feel it might make her feel like she is chaperoning me or something like that. ughh... Part of me wants to meet her very much, and the other part just wants to run away as fast as I can, delete her contact, and just forget everything and hide. One thing I know for certain though. If I chicken out and run away, I know for a FACT 100% GUARANTEED I will regret. Absolutely NO doubt in my mind about that. When I look back on this summer, once already back at college, I would think. wow. why did I ever let that opportunity go... I messed up big time... I want to look back on this summer and think wow. I met an amazing girl this summer. And just smile. Even if we just remain friends I want to meet her. And with the whole age gap thing, I don't get it. I have ALWAYS wanted to get with/be friends with an older girl. Why is it just that I am 20 that makes this weird? For ANY age of mine it would be the same. Older girl implies age gap. Why can't I just be comfortable about this...

I can understand why you feel this way. I think that there is too much stigma people seem to have regarding huge age differences. To tell you the truth, it really does not matter that much. If two people relate with each other and get along very well regardless of age, that is what should matter most. My twin sister and I are 22 years of age, she has been with her guy who is 28 years of age for a few years now (going strong too). Follow your heart and please try not to let the age difference get to you. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavors

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Spockette

I know most people suggest that going to the cinema is uninventive and doesn't allow for a lot of conversation. In your case that might be a good thing - it will help you determine whether you can just be comfortable in her company and want to get to know her more without a lot of continuous back and forth to cloud your thinking. All being well afterwards, you can grab a bite to eat and have the movie as something to discuss - it's the reason why the cinema has been fool proof for so long and shouldn't be undervalued!

brilliant

[healingme4me]

I have a friend that has been in an on and off again friendship for many years with a man who is about 4-5 years younger, than her. Now, when he was in his late 20's, he didn't know what he wanted. And now, after a bit of a hiatus, they are rekindling that friendship, to see where it will lead them, now that he's matured some and life changing moments have occurred in both of their lives.

She doesn't see him, as a younger man, per se. She sees him as a best friend. Someone who she can let her hair down and just be herself, and he accepts her for who she is.

Age is just a number. However, it is interesting that you are bringing to the table, the sense that you are viewing her like a babysitter. That, could be something to be addressed in therapy.

Many of us, in life, have grappled with the notion, of am I setting myself up to be involved with a father or mother figure, with or without the age gap. FOO issues, per se. (Family of Origin).

I guess, I would say, if she's interested, she's interested and isn't viewing you as the age you are, but the person you are.

Hope all goes well on your date!! Hang in there.

Originally Posted by rolan86

Met a girl on okcupid, and she seems interested in me. I feel so weird right now. I am just so torn as to whether I should go on a date with this girl. The age difference is sort of bothering me. I'm 20 and she is 26. I don't get why I am feeling this way. I have ALWAYS wanted to get with an older girl, if even just to be friends, and I really want to meet her.. it's just that the age gap is sort of intimidating for me. I mean I'm still in college and she already has a masters degree. She knows my age, and still seems to be interested in me, so I guess age doesn't matter for her if she's still texting me. Should this be bothering me? Am I doing something wrong? I just don't know what we would do on a date, or if hanging out. I'd feel like a little kid, like she were a baby sitter or something. Like how much could we relate with each other? Like I just feel it might make her feel like she is chaperoning me or something like that. ughh... Part of me wants to meet her very much, and the other part just wants to run away as fast as I can, delete her contact, and just forget everything and hide. One thing I know for certain though. If I chicken out and run away, I know for a FACT 100% GUARANTEED I will regret. Absolutely NO doubt in my mind about that. When I look back on this summer, once already back at college, I would think. wow. why did I ever let that opportunity go... I messed up big time... I want to look back on this summer and think wow. I met an amazing girl this summer. And just smile. Even if we just remain friends I want to meet her. And with the whole age gap thing, I don't get it. I have ALWAYS wanted to get with/be friends with an older girl. Why is it just that I am 20 that makes this weird? For ANY age of mine it would be the same. Older girl implies age gap. Why can't I just be comfortable about this...

[rolan86]

Thanks for the advice, I think I'm going to give it a go spockette. Although I'm a bit confused on how I bring up what's bothering me with her, if I shouldn't mention the age gap, and the age gap is actually what's bothering me. and yeah I don't know if it's that I see her as a parent figure, but just maybe like as if it were an older sibling, or an older friends girlfriend or whatnot. hmm maybe a movie would be a good idea. I was thinking maybe a walk in the park. To be honest I have no idea what we would do. Right now we haven't been texting in a couple days. I've been holding off because I don't want to come across as clingy. The last thing I want to do is wind myself up in another "so... when are you free?" chase. Been through a countless number of those and they all were terrible. So I'm just chilling right now.

Originally Posted by rolan86

Thanks for the advice, I think I'm going to give it a go spockette. Although I'm a bit confused on how I bring up what's bothering me with her, if I shouldn't mention the age gap, and the age gap is actually what's bothering me. and yeah I don't know if it's that I see her as a parent figure, but just maybe like as if it were an older sibling, or an older friends girlfriend or whatnot. hmm maybe a movie would be a good idea. I was thinking maybe a walk in the park. To be honest I have no idea what we would do. Right now we haven't been texting in a couple days. I've been holding off because I don't want to come across as clingy. The last thing I want to do is wind myself up in another "so... when are you free?" chase. Been through a countless number of those and they all were terrible. So I'm just chilling right now.

As I said there are tactful ways of bringing up the age gap issue without directly referring to it like asking whether you have enough in common and perhaps follow that up with the fact that you want to be interesting etc for her. I would doubt the whole parent figure issue - she's not that old! If the age thing is really too intimidating then maybe you're best off remaining friends and finding someone else. I really don't think 6 years is such a big deal. It's a strange thing we have in our society - if a man dates a younger women he gets slapped on the back, if a woman dates a younger man she's either a cougar or a cradle snatcher

Perhaps you're just looking for excuses because, as I said before, this might not be what you actually want right now or maybe you know you need to work on your self esteem issues but aren't sure how. If you like someone and feel confident enough to undertake a relationship, age and things like that should surely be trivial matters?

Just enjoy life - so you've never had a relationship but look at your other achievements, getting through college, having a decent education and the likelihood of a better future. How many people are there who've had plenty of relationships but aren't sitting on the winning lottery ticket like you? Just something to think about.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by rolan86

Thanks for the advice, I think I'm going to give it a go spockette. Although I'm a bit confused on how I bring up what's bothering me with her, if I shouldn't mention the age gap, and the age gap is actually what's bothering me.

You are putting the cart before the horse. She has not expressed more than a desire to meet you; when you muse about what is bothering you, you seem to believe that you had offers on the table. You do not. The only offer you have on the table is that to meet for a one-time date. It is unlikely that it bothers you to just meet for a one-time day with a girl who has a Master's degree. It cannot be THAT intimidating to see a movie or walk in a park with a girl who has a Master's degree. So, chill. You will be able to go on a date with her, but in regards to having more of a relationship with her, you do not have any offers.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by rolan86

Although I'm a bit confused on how I bring up what's bothering me with her, if I shouldn't mention the age gap

I don't think I would bring up the issue at all, either via text or on a first or second date/meeting. It's generally not a good way to begin a relationship (whether platonic or romantic) by talking about the things that bother you, before you've even met! You're thinking about this as though this is a serious relationship, before any relationship has even begun. When you first meet someone from a dating site, you just want to hang out with someone face to face to see if you can have a good time together. Can they make you laugh? Are they cute? Do they make you smile? On a first meeting, you're just trying to find out if you click enough to finish your whole cup of coffee-- let alone a second date. Bringing up issues right away is a big turn off, and probably enough to make her decide she'd rather not bother getting to know you. If you're taking things so seriously and making things so complicated this early on, it's probably a sign to her that being around you isn't fun-- there's too much work and analysis involved. If you aren't laughing and having fun, then things like age gaps don't matter. The problem is that you aren't having fun. Take it from a woman who is 28 and went on several okcupid dates back in May and June. If my date brought up their insecurities or what they thought might be issues down the line in our relationship, I would RUN. In fact, I did run. A few times. (i.e. finish my coffee and leave within 40 minutes) If my date doesn't think they are good enough or old enough or educated enough for me, then that tells me they lack confidence, they are unhappy with their life, and I don't want to waste my time on them. If they don't think they're a catch, why would I? Going on a first date is about putting your best foot forward. You don't want to be dishonest by any means, but you don't need to tell your date all of your dirty laundry-- otherwise, she's going to be scared of what is waiting for her when you stop being on your best behavior! Of course, we all have our insecurities and our quirks and our downsides. But, you have to give a woman a reason to like you and enjoy your company--- so that, later on, she will be willing to accept those downsides if, by chance, you do form a relationship. (Which is a huge IF given the ways of online dating). It's just common sense that someone isn't going to accept the worst parts of you unless they get a taste of your best parts, too. They have to balance each other out. So, go have fun, be lighthearted, laugh, talk-- if you click, after a few dates/hang outs, THEN if you still feel like the "gap" is a problem, bring it up at that point. Don't shoot yourself in the foot before you even get to spend time with this woman. Don't get too ahead of yourself thinking about the age/education gap unless there is actually a relationship there to consider. Until a few dates in, you guys are just strangers with computers.

When you're doing online dating, the vast majority of the women you will talk to will NEVER meet you in person. Of those that you have one date with, the vast majority will never go on a second date with you. After maybe 5-10 dates, then you can start to think about what issues you may or may not have if you proceed into a relationship. Spending the amount of time you are thinking about this girl is really pretty counterproductive. It simply doesn't make a lot of sense, given that you don't even know the girl. She's not spending this much time thinking about you (and the several other men she is probably talking to/ going on dates with). Personally, when I was doing okcupid I spent very little time thinking about anyone I was talking to until AFTER a successful first date.

[yellowted]

my man was almost double my age and it never bothered us, it is more about your interests and opinions / likes/dislikes etc. than age. age has nothing to do with maturity or compatibility.
personally i would advise you to go on the date, the worst that can happen is that you don't hit it off and never meet her again, the best is that you find the girl of your dreams.

[rolan86]

true, I gotta be lighthearted and fun if she wants to continue seeing me. No talk about serious relationship stuff. Gotta make here feel comfortable around me. You'd best believe I'm going on that date

[rolan86]

I suggested going on a walk around the lake, and she said she's down. funny, just looking on some of her okcupid questions when asked if college education was necessary she answered no. guess I don't have much to worry about then. Also, on a side note, I'm really wondering if I should mention my being a virgin on okcupid, or maybe just answer a question publicly with that answer, just to put it out there. It's a huge insecurity of mine, especially in this case, having no sexual experience. I kinda just want to put it out there so people know what to expect. Or is this a bad move. I mean does saying I'm a virgin really make me that unappealing? Why does my appeal have to be judged on whether I've had sex or not...

[hamster-bamster]

At your age it does not matter. I am on OKC and I know the questions. there is a question that asks if one is OK dating a virgin who is over 25. So OKC thinks that until you turn 25, it is not important.

[scorpiosis37]

I don't know if I agree with hamster-bamster. I think there may be a generational difference at play here. Twenty years ago, I think a 20-year-old virgin was much more common than it is today. As a 20-something myself, I think your virginity is probably going to come as quite a surprise to most women on okcupid-- especially if the woman is older. Especially if the woman is over 25. I wouldn't mention your virginity in the discursive portion of your profile (that seems weird), but if there is an applicable question, I would answer that in an attempt to put your dates on notice, if that is something that matters to them. While some women will probably find that to be a plus, there are going to be those for whom that's a deal-breaker. Some people simply don't want to be anyone's "first" (should you begin a relationship), since it's sort of a big deal. There can also be a big disparity if you're dating a woman who has had many partners; it can be uncomfortable if you're a virgin and she's been with 30 men. Would it bother you if your date had been with a high number of partners?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I don't know if I agree with hamster-bamster.

To agree or disagree with me, you would need to have me state an opinion.

I did not state an opinion.

I quoted OKC's question, and OKC's questions are user-submitted (although, I would imagine, there are editors who review and approve questions), so I interpreted the question to mean that OKC's population considers the status of virginity crucial only after age 25.

Again I think you're overanalysing - you've jumped from not knowing how to handle meeting this girl (to which we provided suggestions and tried to convince you things would be fine anyway if you just relax) to worrying about how she or others might view your virginity. I will be honest and say i'm having a difficult time working this situation out - you even said that you needed to make people comfortable first and foremost and just take things slowly.

So why jump to worrying over your virginity? I'm going to say what I've said all along, if you don't take some of the suggestions and or relax you either don't really want this or you don't have the self esteem to do it. I would figure out which and work on it.

None of this was meant harshly as i'm sure you'll understand but I really don't know what more I personally can offer. Maybe other members here will have the solution, I realize this is a multi-layered problem you're having but we're three pages in and more concerns are being added to the pile Maybe separate threads might help I don't know.

I really do wish you all the best and I hope someone else can help you find the answers.