Afraid of being alone and unliked

I've come to the understanding, especially after studying abroad, that I am a good person, but different from a lot of people and this makes it hard to make friends and get into a relationship. My mental health issues make it even harder. I have a lot of personal growth to do, but I need support to get better and make my life easier.

I haven't talked to my main squeeze while I was in Europe. I texted him and told him that I miss him and he hasn't texted back. I'm worried that he doesn't like me anymore.

I'm losing support everywhere. Two friends recently called off our friendship. Two more are moving away. Another was a former fling of mine who got into a relationship (after telling me he couldn't handle one right now) and I feel like I should politely distance myself from him for a month so that I can sort my feelings out and don't treat him unfairly.

I'm losing support everywhere and don't know how I can get better if I don't have support. I don't want to get lonely and self hating and just party to feel better. I want to grow, but I fear that I'm going to have no one to understand me or care about me.

Advice?

Off hand, I'm wondering if you are in therapy. Having a therapist can make a good springboard for seeking new friends. I had a therapist who even pointed out to me some things I could do differently to have healthier relationships.

I think one concern when we get panicky about friends is that we can try to grab on to somebody too tightly and sort of scare them away.

I am seeing a T. I def do that to people.

I really don't have any advice but wanted you to know that i care. And I'm sure that you will make new friends. Life is up and down and that includes having friends too. I would suggest maybe you could join clubs or groups that you have interest in and go from there. Best wishes.
Gayle

It has not been easy for me to make friends in high school either. I mean, I try to be different from the rest of the crowd because I just don't think that giving in to peer pressure is going to do me any good. I just don't fit their personality. You'll find friends somewhere along the way. Friendships are crucial to everyone, even for me. I at times would cry over losing a friend or not having a particular friend because i see that others are having a great time with them and I just don't feel like I'm part of that group.

I've become more withdrawn since trauma after trauma after trauma started coming my way. I felt I couldn't relate to my old friends..after all....who had survived domestic violence, found their husband dead on the bedroom floor, and lost two children in just over two years. Now I find myself being overly open to people I meet....kind of like I'm going to put this out here and if you can't handle it/me, let me know now. As a result I have very few, but very close friends. I've always had trouble with friendships, probably because of mental health issues. I think I can relate to how you feel to some extent. What I have finally been able to do is to be comfortable with the few friends I have. I remarried and my husband is my best friend so I am quite lucky there. He's been so supportive through the very difficult times I've had. See, I just did it again, told you some really traumatic things right out of the box. Anyway...I do hope your work with your T helps. I know it may sound silly but if you developed a solitary recreation.....I read tons and I knit.....maybe you could be more comfortable in your alone time.

I know many of us want to always blame ourselves when a friendship/relationship breaks up. And it could be something we are and/or not doing something.

I do know that long-distance relationships are hard to maintain. And sometimes people just drift apart for other reasons.

Me? I am embracing my solitude. I have a non-existent social life and only communicate during my job. I am accepting the fact that I will never be a friend, and that has made me feel more secure because I can do whatever what I want when I want (as long as it doesn't put me in prison).

I know you're probably right. I guess I just feel like there has to be a pattern here, esp with romantic relationships. Lately, everyone I've had anything with drifts away from me to someone who is less attractive than me and seems to have less in common wit them (I keep these things to myself btw). I guess I just feel that I must be doing something if everyone keeps leaving and going to something different.

I just don't know what to do. I hate the whole "more fish in the sea" thing, because I'm not sexually attracted or emotionally attracted to most people. I've seriously run out of everyone in my town and I'm here for a year. Why isn't anything working? If I don't figure this out, I feel like I'm going to be friendless and alone forever.

Well, that's not fair. I do have friends.

I agree that if we keep getting the same bad results, then we might be doing something that's turning people off.

Maybe that's something you can talk to your T about, henrydavidtherobot.

I have. She tells me that it will all even out with age because I am just more mature than the college kids around me. I don't disbelieve her, but I'm not sure what to do in the meantime.

hi henrydavidtherobot, I can really relate to your situation. I see people all around me having no difficulty making friends .. I on the other hand don't find it easy at all. I have an underlying belief that people aren't going to like me, want to know me, and so I go through life acting cooly and detached so I don't get hurt. When I'm feeling depressed, I feel alone, friendless and unlikeable, even though I know intellectually it isn't the case. When I'm feeling up I fell really good about myself and am able to connect more readily with people, and yet I still maintain serious boundaries to getting closer to others. When someone makes it clear that they want to get to know me, hang out, I get freaked out, like they want something from me, like a commitment or something and I scare myself off. Unless there's a sexual attraction, which seems to trump everything for me.

Regarding your situation, is there anyone who knows you well that you can talk to and ask them for honest feedback on how you come across to others? If you were able to do that, you might get some useful insight, but I think you'd have to be prepared for hearing stuff you might not like. Also, it must be really tough not hearing from your boyfriend, his not responding to your text and all. Have you thought about calling him and having a heart to heart? It might be nice to know where you stand.

Hope things are going better for you.

I relate to most of what you're saying, but I do tend to disclose a lot about myself sometimes. Typically, it is a drunk thing. I've had my boss write me a list of all of the unattractive things I do. I've asked people what they think and the answer that I always get is cold or intimidating. It seems that people are reluctant to talk to me because they see me as scary or uptight. It confuses me though, because I am very liberal and non judgmental, which is the opposite of uptight. It seems like my intelligence and articulation make people stay away, but those are good things. My boy said he was excited to talk, but hasn't given me a time. I'm not sure wether I should keep trying or just give up.

Hi again, a few questions .. when you say you've had your boss write you a list of the unattractive things you do, do you mean you asked him to write that or he did it of his own accord ? Regardless, did any of the items on the list resonate with you ? Was he able to balance the list with some of your positive traits ? If others perceive you as scary and uptight, and you experience yourself as liberal and non-judgmental, it seems that there's a bit of a disconnect between how others see you and how you see yourself. Yes, intelligence and being articulate are positive traits, and I think it's possible to use these qualities negatively, as ways of protecting yourself. Are you being honest with yourself about the way you are with others ? What you're describing sounds like pretty heavy stuff.

Out of left field, my boss called me into her office with a list of random things that I was doing at work that pissed her off. I saw where she was coming from with some. It didn't take me long to start crying because my job is something I love and I thought that I actually fit in there. I have a good work ethic and obey the rules when most people don't. It feels so defeating to feel that I am just not fit the function in this world. I apologized for everything. She then changed her tune and asked if I was seeing a therapist, because she thinks it will help me (I have been for years). She then asked me all sorts of questions about my family and hugged me and said she loved me and not to beat myself up over our talk. The encounter baffled my other boss (who is a good friend of mine), my T, and my boy, ESP since she said I was lacking in emotional intelligence, which beyond jealousy, I don't agree with. I often have people straight up tell me that I am intimidating because I am confident, articulate, and smart. I always ask them why that would make it hard to talk with me and they never say because they thought I was mean. I agree about the disconnect, but I feel like its nor my fault. A week ago, I had this girl who was insulting me all night and saying prejudice stuff about Russians get mad at me when I asked "is it not a bad idea to not judge an entire country or to not hate people?" And she said that I wouldn't get it because I'm an American. When I asked her sister if what I asked was so offensive she said no, but you come of as cold. Later, the girl was crying and I bought her candy and talked to her and she got a lot off of her chest and said I was a good person. I feel like this judgment is not me but everyone else. I am being honest. Define heavy stuff.

Oh, my boss later sent out an email to my other boss saying that I was a good friend to him and that she has complete faith in me as a consultant.

Hi, when I say heavy stuff, I mean it's serious, weighty, a lot to deal with. And that's how I interpret a boss randomly dumping on you all the stuff she doesn't like about you, without context or balance. I also think people regularly saying that they find you cold and intimidating is pretty heavy. I've been told by a number of people that I come off as cold and detached, and I can see how people might have that impression. It's not what I'm trying to project to the world, but when I really look at the way I am, I see there's some truth to it. This knowledge has helped me look at the way I am around others and try to choose, in the moment, more productive ways of being.

I enjoy people who are confident, articulate and intelligent, if they're good people and enjoyable to be around. I've known people who are smart and confident and articulate who use these traits as a way of striding through the world to demonstrate how great they are .. for me a total turnoff. I don't know you, but I do get the feeling that there's a piece missing from the picture you've portrayed.