Left feeling shattered after study abroad experience in Japan...

This is about a girl, and it's a long story. I don't have anyone or anyplace else to go to but the internet to get help.

For years I wanted to come to Japan to just get away from my small town upbringing - it wasn't even Japan in particular that I cared about so much as just finding a world outside the place I was born and grew up in.

When I got here things were new and exciting, but it faded fast...that's when I met her - an English girl (and I'm an American) who seemed to have so much in common with me. She offered to help me with my Japanese and started coming to my dorm room to help, but we just talked. She had just gotten dumped by her boyfriend because he wanted to sleep with other women. Incidentally, he had the same first and last name as me...I didn't think anything of it at the time. After a couple days I told her how I felt about her as she was about to leave my room, and she just responded by saying "come here" and began kissing me - we sat for hours just doing that. It was crazy how right it felt. Within the next couple of days we had sex, and it felt amazing to be wanted, but I was inexperienced and couldn't last long at all - she claimed she didn't mind.

Over the next 4 months we did everything together - went to class together, explored together, slept together, showered together, all of it. My common sense perished so quickly - she was a year older than me and I just assumed she knew what she was doing. I was afraid it wasn't giving her enough personal space, but I enjoyed it, and she stayed with me at all times without me ever once even asking. Within a month she told me she loved me, something I was reluctant to do because I am hesitant to say something like that so soon. Within two months she was talking about how she wanted to live with me someday, making plans about how we were going to do it and where. Within three months, lying in bed one night, she said to me: "someday I want to marry you..."

I was a sucker for things like that; I might even still be. I'm not driven away by the idea of commitment to someone I care so much about, but the truth eluded me because I just couldn't see that it was too soon - she had started dating me 2 weeks after getting dumped by a guy with the same name. Even though her major was Japanese, she was so negative about Japan after a while that she began to hate it...and so did I.

After 4 months together, we both went back to our countries for a month for Spring break. At the airport we cried about it, and she told me before I walked through the gate to "come back just as you are." Over the next month we skyped and talked just about everyday to stay in touch. It was like a trial for what I thought would be the inevitable long-distance we would face after our study abroad ended. One night she refused to Skype me after having an argument with her mother, which was really unlike her. She didn't notify me of anything for the whole next day, and I got so worried that I got annoyed...and I told her so. To complicate things, she saw her ex while she was back home to get her old stuff back that he had. However, she kept up saying that she loved me, that she wanted to live with me, even marry me.

The first day we got back to Japan, right from the airport, something felt wrong. She was different, unenthused to see me. When we got back to our dorm, after about 45 minutes she said she would like to spend more time alone that semester, which I thought was fine. What I didn't expect was that she meant that moment - and with that, she went to her room, leaving me alone after we had been away for a month.

From that day onward, she refused sex every single time, saying she was not in the mood. When I asked her about it, she couldn't give me any answers, she just claimed that she didn't know what was going on. She said that she needed time to figure things out. In the back of my mind I knew all along that at this point she was losing interest in me...my parents and friends that I consulted were all telling me that she had either cheated on me or had been brought back to reality when she went home. To make matters worse, she began talking to our "friends" behind my back saying she didn't "know what to do" and that she wasn't "feeling very relationship-y."

At first, I tried to understand, but things went without improving at all for over a month. I began to grow so horribly paranoid, so afraid of losing her because I felt that the level of commitment she had expressed, while not binding, could only have been said because she meant it. I had always thought she was different from other girls I had dated, even though we moved so quickly, so stupidly, and so irresponsibly. I grew so paranoid that I began checking her Facebook messages, which I never should have done, and read things that I wish I hadn't, because they just reinforced my paranoia. I noticed she messaged her ex congratulating him on getting a new job. I grew so terrified - she would hold my hand and kiss me and tell me good night and all that, but she would turn around and tell others that things weren't going well. We even went to Tokyo for her birthday (after I had already spent money on buying her presents and a cake) and all we did was hang out with her friends from home the whole time; she even pulled out of meeting my friend from home that lived in Tokyo even though I spent the first two days just with her friends. It felt like she didn't care about me or my life, as she became increasingly Anglo-centric.

I would try to bring it up to her, because she would never talk about it, but all she would do is cry and talk about how she hated herself, or how she didn't know what was going on, but I think in retrospect that she knew all along. In the end, I initiated the idea of a break-up, but I told her that I didn't really want to because I wanted to make it work. A few weeks later, we had another talk and we decided to take a week break. She came around everyday that week, and we would hug and kiss, but nearing the end of the week, she grew cold. The last day, we went on a walk and talked, but she didn't bring it up for hours until I finally did. After 8 months even together, on our "anniversary" if you can really call it that, she broke up with me after we had taken a week off. 30 minutes later, we had to go to an all-you-can-drink buffet party for a friend, and I couldn't even look at her. I went home, drunk and alone. I felt suicidal for the next week.

I tried a couple times to talk to her about it but she said a couple times that she didn't want to try again. I felt so alone and abandoned - and angry. I felt as if the things she had said to me were just that of an immature girl who hadn't thought anything through. I couldn't understand the idea that she could tell people she loves them when she didn't really mean it. She told me that she "meant it at the time" and that she thinks we have very different views of love.

Now, over a month and a half later, I am going home in two days, likely to never see her again. She hasn't talked to me in any way, shape, or form in nearly two weeks. She has pictures of herself all over Facebook smiling, going places, looking happy. I have been socially isolated now because most of the other exchange students I knew well were girls, who all flocked to her. My life hasn't felt so empty in years. I feel like I can accomplish anything and that I'm going to become what I want, but it feels empty without her or someone out there.

All I feel is anger, distrust of women, and isolation. I didn't think throughout the whole relationship that we were moving too fast for her...I just assumed she realized it, because she was the one that said she loved me, wanted to live with me, even marry me first, without me saying anything to prompt it. I hope so much that going home will reverse these feelings, but I'm terrified of the idea of never getting over her. I was scared and paranoid, and it feels like she just beat herself to death on me and then just pulled away when she got bored. I feel cheated and lied to, and I can't think about anything I've done in Japan without thinking of her, because everywhere and everyplace reminds me of what we did together. This has been the most pivotal year of my life, with so many things happening both here and at home.

The last words I ever heard from my grandpa before he died a week after I came back to Japan after Spring break were "tell ____ she has a good boyfriend."

How am I going to get over her? She acts like she doesn't care at all, but she comes across as such a sweet, sensitive, and caring girl. She even did to me, even after she left me...Only this much later have I started to feel manipulated. I have no one to talk to and no one at home understands...my only way of venting has been the internet so far, but it just feels like I'm venting at air.

I am so sorry that his has happened to you and taken away from what should have been one of the better years of your lives. I saw several girls like this growing up in high school, always on the verge of marrying, breaking up and then having a new boyfriend to marry three months later. I never understood it and it soured me. I refused to allow my children to date in high school because of it because I didn't want them hurt as you are hurting now. I am glad that you are not blaming yourself for this breakup. this is entirely about her and her immaturity. time will heal your pain and hopefully you will be able to look back on your experience in japan without her one day with good memories. afterall, the time you had with her was good for awhile, don't let it all be destroyed by the breakup. hang in there.

I am also so sorry for what you went thru. She sounds remarkably like a borderline personality in that she was everything you ever could have asked for in a gf, went way overboard, hooked you hard and fast and then, as you put it, got bored once she had you and moved on. It's classic, I'm sorry to say. Idolization and then devaluation. I'm just sorry you had to go thru a relationship like that.

Whether she is or is not (and check the BPD forums, they can be very enlightening) you should realize you did nothing wrong and unfortuantely from the way it reads, the dye was cast the moment you two hooked up. In her defence, if she is BPD she probably doesn't even realize she's doing what she's doing or why, and no amount of 'next bf's ' are going to make her feel a whole, complete and autonomous person she should be. In fact, the 'next' bf is likely to go thru the exact same thing, and in spite of happy fb pics she's probably as empty inside as she was before meeting you or them.

Please remember that you're life isn't over by any means and there is certainly someone out there for you and that this is merely a cautionary tale....the next time someone seems to be moving too fast, watch the red flags and act on them. I can see both sides of the coin you found...I am BPD and so is my bf. Not a certain mix but we're both working on it.

Good luck in your future...I'm certain, as intelligent, and thoughtful as you are...you'll do wonderfully. Your next gf will indeed be lucky to have you.

I, too, am sorry this potentially wonderful experience was spoiled by this relationship. I agree that something about this woman does not sound right.

Maybe you can move carefully into future relationships. I know it isn't easy, but try to remember the good times you had, and maybe you can consider it a learning experience. Not all woman are like that, believe me.

Thank goodness you don't have to see her at school. I, too, encourage my college-aged sons to not get too serious with a girl yet.

Welcome to Psych Central, by the way!

You sound exactly like my brother Jay. I just wanted to say I'm sorry that this happened to you. I wish I could offer you some sage advice. She sounds like she has a borderline personality disorder. I hope you find someone worthy of you.

She sounds extremely toxic and I'm sorry that you are going through this. You are grieving the loss of the relationship and the fact that she deceived you - you sound depressed, understandably. It will take time to get over her, but you can get through it. Try not to obsess about it and when you do reflect back on it - remember the negative parts of the relationship and not just the "good times."

If you continue to feel really down and have trouble moving on ... I think you should see a doctor to see if you are depressed. Seeing a therapist may help you as well. You can get through this but you may need some help.

Try to stay away from Facebook if it is too triggering for you.

Take care.

Thank you all for your advice, help, and support. It really meant a lot to me and helped me get by the last week or so.

I am now back at home and she is back in England, and that's it. It's amazing how it all feels like a dream now and I am feeling confused and a little isolated, but I know more than anything I have to remain positive and look forward in life. Today a picture of her popped up on Facebook on her first day back home in England and she was wearing a jacket I bought her as part of a Christmas present...but then I caught myself: why was I being so sentimental and dramatic? It would have hurt so much more to look at before, but I think more than anything I've realized that if I let the little things get to me, nothing good will come of it. Things have gotten so much better.

Thank you everyone

I'm sorry you had to go through all that, she does definately sound like she has her own issues. Like some here said, just think of the positive things and take it as a learning experience, don't jump into anything right now, as that sometimes happens.

I suppose I'm coming back to this to try to find out what it is about how I feel that I can't seem to figure out. It's been two months now since the day we broke up and I found myself almost crying. I caught myself because I swore to myself I wouldn't cry about it anymore.

I think about her constantly though no matter what I do...I just suddenly came down with mono four days ago and was hallucinating from fever thinking she was there and have had dreams with her there. We're not even in the same country anymore and she hasn't said a word to me but I feel as if I've lost a part of what I used to be. Life is suddenly so expensive and my computer broke, I have to pay for medicine, tuition, books, even a new car.

My life has been rough before, but I'm hitting a new threshold of mental stress and it's really hard.

Hello fella,

Sorry for what you have been through, this is awful for you.

However, this is good old fashioned heartbreak. And it's called heartbreak for a reason and it REALLY hurts. However you WILL get over this and you will move on and chalk it up to experience. We all go through this, remember you are still quite young and have so much life to live.

By the sounds of it, she was well on the rebound and just wanted a relationship to get over her last break up. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but it's probably true and she just transplanted her feelings from her last relationship to your one.

Leave and move on. You will never have to see her ever again and it will be better and wiser for it.

Hello there.

My thoughts are with you for and what you are experiencing.

I am no expert with relationships and heartbreaks. (I'm going through a heartbreak myself too)
But what I would like to say is give yourself time and take care of yourself most importantly. Love yourself and chin up.

I try to wake up everyday and be grateful for something good in my life.
My point is the only way to turn yourself around from anything is to rely on picking yourself up when you fall down. It's tough (some days are better than others) but I would like to think one day, you would look back and this and realise you've experience something and grown.

- Try to exercise : boost those endorphins.
- Talk to friends
- Keep yourself busy

I'm sure there's more to your life ahead for you wherever it leads you.

you explained everything perfectly when you said she beat herself to you and then pulled away.
young females will do that and walk away in the blink of an eye as if nothing ever happened.
you got your feelings wrapped up in someone who wasn't serious in the beginning and just needed someone to take her mind off her ex.
it's no coincidence that you and her ex had the same name. all along she knew exactly what she was doing.
As a young immature person to love you fell for it and you have just experienced your first true heartbreak.
people always say your first love is your worst love,
ultimately you'll find someone who deserving of your love just keep that good pure heart and make sure when you do love again you love someone who's capable of whole-heartedly loving you back.
she couldn't do that because from the beginning she was not open to loving again and she didn't even know it herself
forgive her and move on with your life

I don't know enough about BPD to weigh in to that possibility, but I do agree that something doesn't sound "right" about her reaction...even if she didn't want to continue a relationship, she should have at least been happy to see you again after such a time. Her displayed apathy is, to me, a red flag, not to even speak of her following actions.

I am so sorry you went through this...I am (unfortunately) very well aware of how much this hurts. I myself got out of an utterly toxic relationship a year ago this June. As much as I loathe to admit it, I still think about her often, and every now and then I still get fleeting pangs of feelings towards her...despite the fact that our entire relationship was a lie and the fact she utterly betrayed me. It does get better though...despite the fact I do still occasionally think about it, it's gotten infinitely better than from when it was fresh. You have to take some solace in the fact that ultimately, as much as this hurts, the ending to this relationship was likely for the best. She didn't have the consideration to treat you as you deserved, nor did she (I think) truly consider your feelings. God knows it hurts, but it gets better. Slowly, admittedly painfully slowly, but it does get better. And in the end, I believe you'll come out stronger for it.

Know you're not alone in this, and that you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

Buddy,

Your reactions have been exaggerated. You felt suicidal for a whole week. You came down with mono which may very well mean that your immune system is weak. The mono is so bad that you are hallucinating...

Not good. Make sure you have a good doctor. And, it is better to cry than to try to not to cry. If you cry, the feelings of hurt will subside sooner. If you play this game of promising yourself not to cry but then needing to catch yourself in order to keep the promise... it does not make any sense, and, it would only prolong your suffering.

CarlyleR has given great advice on the POSITIVE things to do.

Thank you for your suggestions on how to help things improve. For sure, staying active and moving forward in life is the best policy for me now.

To clarify, I've had other girlfriends before and other breakups, I think that it was just the time and place and circumstances with this last one that tore me up so much. What I've found really puzzling through the years from girls I've dated and people I've known who have had pretty horrible breakups or divorces is how willingly people seem to throw away their relationships with others as if they don't mean anything. I think that this last one was just the tipping point for me in that I picked her from the belief that she really would be different, but of course wasn't in the end. The girl I miss in her doesn't even truly exist because the very premise of building our relationship was based on a girl who wasn't and probably still isn't at a stable point in her mind.

I was hoping for someone who would consistently want to be with me, but there were so many red flags at the start and as we moved on that I should have known better.

I am very bad at coping with loneliness since we broke up, but I know stranger, worse things have happened to others and may yet happen even to me, though I hope not. I just find that with every failed relationship I have I get that much more protective of myself and less willing to give most girls a shot.

I've got a future that I want to work towards that I know will take me away from where I'm currently living, and while I love the idea of a new girlfriend, I also know that I will be graduating and leaving in a year and a half. I'm 20 now and get the feeling I'll be single for my remaining time in undergrad...maybe I'll end up eating those words though.

Hi everyone,

This is an update from me a year on. I can't believe I'm actually here to post this but to be completely honest the I've tried to bury this away inside for the past year as best I could.

I'm 21 now, graduated from college cum laude, and headed toward postgrad at a top school after I take a year off. I spent the past year accomplishing many, many things, including finding a new relationship that is going on 10 months now, studying abroad again, and earning a 4.0 GPA. I was active in the community and worked as an officer in several organizations on my school's campus.

I'm ashamed to admit, however, that a day hasn't gone by that I don't feel a tinge of sadness or regret for the way things went in Japan with this girl. I can't figure out why thoughts of her won't go away. Maybe it's because it was such a pivotal time of my life, or maybe because I saw in her something that I haven't reconciled with yet. It feels completely messed up to still be hung up about it though.

I haven't spoken to her since the day I left Japan over a year ago, and yet I still have dreams that feature her sometimes that really disturb me. It's like she left this gaping wound that won't go away.

At this point I don't even hold anything against her. We both did a lot of wrong and were immature about the way things proceeded. I was a 19 year old know it all that couldn't see why I was being a terrible boyfriend and she was emotionally unstable. And yet, for some ridiculous reason, the thoughts just won't go away no matter what I do. Is this even normal? I'm not sure where to proceed with this or what would be the right response to the way I'm thinking. I've been messed up about it longer than the relationship even lasted, which only makes it feel more ridiculous.

You've certainly got the right attitude. Keep going. Stay positive.