How do you learn to trust?

How do you learn to trust if you've never really trusted anyone (who didn't later completely betray that trust). Or if you grew up with the message "everyone wants to hurt you...trust no one." Or if every time you let down your guard just a little bit you get blasted. Or if every time you try to express your opinion or feelings you get ignored or treated like you're stupid/overreacting etc....I haven't been given any evidence to really trust people and so very very few people have any remote idea who I really am. My only outward appearance of identity comes from being a musician/performer. That's the only way I'm perceived by most people...kind of like an object without feelings because my feelings are apparently stupid to other people. Or they don't make sense. Or they're too extreme.

I don't mind having a different persona as a musician, but I want to be a real person too. Although, I think it's too late.

A couple of examples of my mistrust (they're both men, but I don't really trust either gender...I just have a worse track record with men. In other words, I'm not trying to be sexist):

One: I was starting to hang out with this guy...we weren't dating and I don't know if he was interested in that or not, but I mentioned my physical problems to him one day and how weak I feel and how much pain I'm in sometimes and even though he gave no indication of anything except understanding, I became terrified that he would use this knowledge to know I was practically defenseless and he would take advantage of me. I'm afraid to be around him now...or at least really really cautious.

Two: I was at a big block party (I guess you could call it that) this summer and I didn't have pockets, so I had my wallet in the waistband of my skirt. It felt really secure there, but I realize that this was stupid on my part. Anyway, there was a band performing on one of the streets and I was dancing with this random guy. Later on I realized that my wallet was missing and all I could think was HE stole my wallet. But what really happened was that I just dropped it and it was found and returned to me by the police that were there for security (this was a very very big block party), so everything worked out...but what does it say about a person if they're first thought was "HE stole it! That's why he was dancing with me...to steal my wallet!"

I'm sorry you struggle with trusting others and didn't grow up with trusting. I didn't lose my trust until later in life and yes it hurts. Think we all wish we could trust, but still have some realistic suspicions, otherwise we would surely get taken advantage of. Maybe the best way is so assume we might get hurt, but its better than not trusting and being closed off completely. Think its reasonable to be mildly mistrusting and street wise in todays society. Get to know them very well and watch how they behave with others.

I can understand with the messages from your past that it is difficult for you to trust. trust is a difficult process, especially when your mind is telling you to trust no one. there is a simple formula for trust tho. trust equals truth over time. you can learn to trust people when they have been truthful to you over a period of time, but it takes time.....take care.

It is hard.. the only thing I can think of to help you is to trust - over time. Oh, and follow your gut too. If someone feels wrong, they probably are.

The time thing.. your first example - if this guy knows things about you, and say, in 3-6 months time he has done nothing with that information that may hurt you, then you can use that time as a signal that you can start to trust him. Know what I mean? It's kinda like proof that he maybe trustworthy and then perhaps you can start to relax in his company.

The second example, I don't think that's too much of a trust issue, as Lynn says, it's good to be street wise! I think I may have thought the same, even if for a brief moment. I think when it comes to losing wallets, it's natural to be suspicious of the person who was near you?

Good luck to you and I hope you find your way. I guess that we can expect to get our trust broken at times and I think it's trial and error - we get to learn certain types of people and keep those bad ones at arms length. Not 100%, but I find it helps.
Hugs.

I think the difference is that you can remember a time in your life where you did trust people, or was able to build up trust. It's difficult for me to remember being able to trust people/get close to them. I'm not saying I want to blindly trust people, I just want it to be possible for someone to prove themselves trustworthy.

I want to agree with you...but I had a best friend that I trusted for years and years to open up to and that was eventually betrayed. We're still friends, but I can't talk to her about anything serious or deep.

Maybe we should just accept that we're going to get betrayed at some point and trust that we will be betrayed? I don't know.

I don't know if I can follow my gut...because if I do, that means almost everyone I meet is a horrible person hell bent on hurting me physically and/or emotionally? So, I guess I don't know when to follow my gut and when not to...

For the wait 3-6 months to see if someone uses information against you...what if they're just waiting for you to lower your guard so they can use that information against you? How would I know? I can't really read people...their emotions, their intentions...like I can't read or even notice body language.

So when I approach people, it feels like I'm walking into a random dark room...there may be no one there or there may be someone with a gun. I don't know and I have no information to guess.

Chances are, they won't be able to tell if you have your guard up or down as you sound like a pretty reserved person!

I have a loooot of trust issues. I tend to befriend people on the assumption that at some point, they're going to bail out.

I don't share too much of importance with people - and I start out gradually and only share bits at a time really. It can be really hard. I'll withdraw from it quickly if I think that they aren't as trustworthy as I thought... and I rarely give a second chance in that regard.

Do you go to see a T? They would be able to work with you to try to work through some of this!

I wouldn't promote, trusting blindly. I have trust issues, myself, not quite the same way you've described, but I certainly can be a bit cynical.

You can self-teach yourself, about body language, word usage, etc. That could be one step, you could take to get to the point of learning how to be vulnerable, around others. Who to trust, who not to trust, can come from retraining yourself. Take that moment, of doubt, ask yourself where it comes from, and whether it's the person, the situation, or your past that is creating this type of mistrust response.
It takes time to heal from betrayal, which you expressed happened with one of your close friends.
I know there are on-line articles, just not certain of there are any books on the topic.

I'm not naturally a reserved person, but I've just basically evolved into that. I have to fight back my own instincts and personality to stay reserved. So that also means if I express emotions, I'm not sure they're done in an appropriate way.

No, I don't see a therapist...I don't trust people, so I wouldn't trust them either. And they pretty much have to interrogate me to get anything out of me, so it seems pointless.

How do most people learn to "read" other people? Do their parents/guardians teach them or are they born knowing that stuff instinctively? Or something else?

Trust is a tricky thing - I find that proceeding slowly in any type of relationship is best for me and that a person's actions speak louder than words.

I had a roommate in college that had difficulty trusting guys because her dad cheated on her mom. She told me that she did not automatically distrust a potential boyfriend ... but that she did not outright trust either. She took a cautious approach by taking things slowly with people to see if they were trustworthy.

I have been betrayed and I am more cautious than I was in my younger years. I used to think all people were inherently good people. Well, I've found that isn't true. But, there are trustworthy people out there.

Take care.

I've never been able to trust anyone, not even my friends so as you can possibly tell i don't have many friends because I am always holding my guard up. I used to think that if they were on the phone, that they were messaging my boyfriend. Id check whats app and see when they were last online and then go check my boyfriends...I done loads of stuff that in my mind led me to think that I was being played by everyone and trust me it is hard, im still going through trust issues now with my boyfriend but find talking about things to him helps (sometimes)
I've seen a counselor who helped me understand that the reason i don't trust No Man is maybe because of what happened to me as a child. I dont know..

That's the difference though—I automatically distrust my equivalent of a potential boyfriend. I don't have "potential boyfriends" as no one would ever think of me romantically, but that's a separate issue.

I don't see anything wrong with being cautious and I'm not saying I want to learn how to not be cautious, I just don't want my inability to trust make sure that if someone for some reason (probably desperation), actually thought of me romantically, that it would be possible for me to eventually learn to trust them if they are indeed trustworthy.

So that I could develop friendships and become a person instead of a fortress/object.

First bit.. why would you think that almost everyone is hell-bent on hurting you? Without sounding mean whatsoever, but it's something my fella's therapist said over his fear of people looking at him - but what makes you so special? By special, I mean the person that nearly everyone wants to hurt? People are not like this. Yep, there are a few tossers out there, but by my experience, people don't go out to hurt people, especially physical. I wonder why you think that everyone is out to get at you.

Second bit.. a little of what I just wrote applies here. People do not generally wait until your guard is lowered to then get at you. Seriously, unless you've very very unfortunate to meet a really bad person, or you've treated them bad and they want revenge, then people just do not do this kind of thing. They are too busy living their own lives for one, and for another, people, generally are not this cruel. People DO make mistakes, and are capable of hurting others sometimes by being uncaring or selfish, but they are rarely this cruel.

The third bit.. about the gun. I can't think of anything rational to say to that because you're thinking isn't rational. I think with your replies here, you do have a trust issue, but I also think that you are somewhat paranoid. You say that therapy doesn't work, but I really do think that you need some. You say that you clam up and do not trust a therapist, but yet you are here asking how to learn to trust. I think therapy, and really really go out of your comfort zone, really try your very hardest. Push yourself to talk to them, learn some tips from them with this trust and paranoia, learn to cope better with hurt. I am sorry you feel this way and it must be incredibly hard to live a life like this. I hope you find some help soon, even though it will be very hard work on your behalf. Better than living scared of your own shadow though?
Massive hugs.

Some people, do have a natural gift/inclination to do better at it, than others. But it's something, that even with this, one learns through secondary education courses, or self-directed, or honed through life experiences.

Understanding Body Language - Reading Body Language
How To Read Others' Body Language In 3 Simple Steps - Forbes
https://www.google.com/#bav=on.2,or....ed=0CAoQ_AUoBA

The above links, are just some general articles and one is a link that has pages of books listed, that are all about this topic. Hope that helps.

That's entirely possible. My mistrust and paranoia are based on my experiences as a young adult (and also as a child/teen I suppose).

Hopefully it will...I'll just have to remember to pay attention to people's body language once I learn the cues.

Thanks for this, by the way.

Yeah, about the gun...someone in my building (a small building with six apartments) apparently got robbed at gunpoint a couple hours ago...so maybe there's some rationality to it after all.

The worst thing for someone who's paranoid is for the "irrational" things to come true.

And I was relatively fine until something last year sent me over the edge. Long story short, I had just moved here for school and I met a guy that I expressed feelings for too soon...and he was upset that I couldn't just automatically reset and be just friends and he ended up terrorizing me. I don't know if that was completely his intent or that I just became terrified.

Terrified that I was being followed...terrified of running into him anywhere I went and terrified of him using that to claim that I was stalking him. Terrified of something unidentifiable. So I had to sleep in my closet. I lived with roommates back then and one of them I alternated hating/being afraid of and being more afraid of any male she brought into the apartment. And mainly because something she did inadvertently triggered a flashback. The only one I've ever had, although that's the only time I've been triggered in such a way. Things related may put me into a catatonic state, but not a flashback.

So in the above case (with the guy I had just met) the irrational had come true too. If the irrational can happen, then is it not then rational?

Yes, crime does happen.. and it can shake us up. But it shouldn't be how you live, too afraid for anything. You're not living with any quality. There are a billion 'what if's', and the trick is to stop doing that to yourself, and only deal with things IF and when they come along. Anyway, the gun you were talking about was a metaphor wasn't it? You were using it to describe how you felt talking to people, not actual robbery.

I am so very sorry that you suffer so bad. Sleeping in closets is irrational, being terrified of an ex maybe rational, but instead if letting him ruin your life, you need to get stronger. If an ex terrorised you, then you needed to call the police, not be afraid of being followed etc. You need to learn how to handle these kind of situations better, and also not allow one or two idiots to be the yardstick on which you measure all.

You know, a lot of us go through life being hurt. I've been let down by people, by my parents too. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship myself, and after he pinned me up against the wall by my throat, his face contorted with pure hatred for me, I realised this was the start of physical abuse too. I got out. He hounded me for 3 months after we split, I was afraid at first, but then I got mad. It did me the world of good, and I got the strength to threaten him with the police and then ignore him. I still slept in my bed at night (I lived alone) and I didn't fear him following me or me bumping into him. He did follow me once, that I know of, and I ignored him - refused to show any fear because it gave him power.

You have to learn to deal with hurt better, deal with people who turn out to be less than perfect better. Things will improve once you learn how to deal with the pain, accept that folk do hurt us at times, learn how to mourn a loss and move on better. You also need to learn to forgive yourself more and like yourself. Then perhaps you may not be as afraid to let people into your life.

I do think you need therapy. I also think you may need to see a doctor. Please go, I think if you are brave enough to work hard, you will reap in the rewards. It might not feel like it, but you are in control and you can improve your life. It's just going to take help, effort and time.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through feeling like that.

But I do have a question: you said that he terrorized you, but you haven't said how at all. You've given us your reaction to feeling terrorized, but not anything that he's done. He just rejected you and wanted to be friends - what did he do after?

You've asserted that your irrational fear around him had came true - but haven't told us how. I know that it might be hard to say HOW he terrorized you, but I think it would help the rest of us respond to you. Because if he just rejected you and then you responded the way you did, with him just trying to be friends... well.. then your fear was irrational and your response irrational.

But that's only if he didn't do anything at all, so I think it would help some of us to know what he did that made you feel terrorized.

I really think a T would be able to help you, and possibly a pdoc. Your trust issues seem to go beyond trust issues and into paranoia, but only a pdoc and T would really be able to determine that for you. Plus, they're PAID to remain confidential and they aren't going to mess with that unless they feel like sabotaging their career (with you know, the exception of if they really think that you are going to harm yourself or someone else).

I'll give a more thorough response later, but we never dated. He isn't an ex. No where near it. I suppose other people end up dating their romantic interests, but I never do.