Am I incapable of accepting love?

I have had so many failed relationships, most of them being budding romances that I snip right at the get-go.

I haven't felt a real connection with anyone in so long, I'm starting to think that I'm not capable of it anymore. No one seems good enough, even though I know intellectually there is nothing wrong with them, they have good qualities, they adore me, treat me nicely.. It starts with me feeling very sweetly about them, being friends then dating and sleeping with each other, then suddenly something switches in my brain and I want nothing to do with them. I can't get away from them soon enough, I cringe and shrink away from their touch, they are pathetic, they're clingy, they're suffocating me, and I have just changed my mind completely. I start to ignore them, reject their calls, block them on Facebook, etc., in my efforts to keep them away.

I have hurt a lot of guys this way but I don't know how to prevent it from happening when it truly is a complete change of heart that I can't seem to account for. I can't control it.

Now that I want to find a companion who will be around, do things with me, hold me, understand who I am, go places with me, and to do the same for them. I don't think the right person will ever come along.. and I don't know, even if they did, if I would be capable of loving them.

I'm just feeling lonely and lost.. Anyone else have feelings/experiences like this?

you have an interesting signature. I forget how you call this thing when the capital letters of each line make a word...

never mind my memory loss - the question to you is:

really? teared up at the end of Lolita for real? seriously?

Hi k12573n,

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you have had with your relationships thus far. It sounds like a very perplexing phenomenon indeed. It is disheartening to hear you are feeling lonely and lost. I can't say I have had this same experience but I know what depression feels like and that can cause people to push others away.

Personally, it seems to me that you need to build your self-esteem. I don't get the impression that you are happy or accepting of yourself. The tone of your post and seeing your signature is why I have reached this conclusion. You have to realize you are just as valuable as everyone else and it is okay to recognize that and celebrate it. You have certain qualities that make you unique and irreplaceable. The things you know are not "useless information" and your insecurities (tapping feet and teeth) can be overcome if you just invest in yourself. If you have not already, you should see what a good therapist can do for you. When I say a "good therapist", I mean one that is right for you. That might take a little bit of searching but it is worth it.

Lashing out at people or inserting a disconnection could just be a way that you tell yourself you are not deserving of a happy life with someone else. You might be punishing yourself by denying yourself closeness with others. It could also be a defense mechanism if you feel you have been repeatedly hurt by people in the past. Whatever the source, you need to first identify what is at the root of it and then find a way to heal. It sounds like you feel pretty bad about your behavior and that just adds to any self-loathing you may have. Happiness begins with you. When you love yourself then you can share love with others. Just remember you are worth every effort you put forth and you have a story to share with this world so make it the best one for you.

Are you currently, in counseling, to get to the root of why, after you become intimate with a person, it's like a switch goes off and you find them, too clingy, needy, and instead of confronting them, it comes across from your writing, you begin to avoid?

Not sure, if that's about love, or intimacy.

You mention, that you want a companion, aren't sure if anyone is going to be good enough?

Relationships are about give and take. Maybe, avoid the sleeping with a person, until you are certain?

Not sure, just trying to offer my own perspective.

I often wonder why people do this, but I think a therapist or a counselor is a great idea to get to the root of the problem.

Thank you so much for your advice. When I was in the throes of my last major depression, I tried desperately to find a therapist but my insurance is very limiting on who I can see. I did manage to find one therapist with a sliding income-based fee scale but I neglected to show up at the appointment because I was ashamed of myself at the time. I think I will try to set another appointment with the same woman I did before, that may help.

I hadn't really considered the points you brought up but I think they will really help me work through whatever this mental blockage is that's keeping me from getting close to people, men in particular.

Thank you so much, I very much appreciate it.

YES! The book had a considerable emotional effect on me.

EDIT: And the word you're looking for is 'acrostic'

I'm not currently in counseling but hope to start over with my search for a good therapist in my town. I think that will help. I think the main reason I tend to avoid and run away, not look back, rather than confront them and explain how I feel is because a) I don't know how to explain other than to say I just don't have feelings for them any more but I don't know why, and b) because I am terrified of hurting their feelings and having to witness it in person.

It's a cowardly thing to do but it's just something I've always done, since I started to dating..

thanks!

I think your reaction to Lolita needs to be evaluated as a way of getting insight into how your mind (both rational and emotional if one can talk about distinct minds...) works. My own reaction to Lolita was influenced by the narrator (I did not read the book but listened to an audio book 6 months ago

Lolita [Audiobook, Unabridged]: Amazon.com: Books

Jeremy Irons is the narrator.

In his narration, the book is basically a satire.

But I know many people who have read it themselves and who view it as a piece of "serious" writing.

Also, there is a researcher at UC Berkeley who views Lolita as a work of perverse Shakespeare scholarship (??? I have not read but plan to read it one day - here is the link:

Amazon.com: Nabokov, Perversely (9780801448201): Eric Naiman: Books).

Basically, the book is complex and very much open to interpretation, but all of that is secondary to your "case" - I think you need to think about why the book evoked such a strong emotional effect on you, and, based on that analysis, you will know yourself much better.