[Patagonia]

I've been married 19 yrs & we have 3 young children. I know he's not my soulmate. Does that matter? Do I settle for average? If I try to go or find myself & what I want out of life ill ruin my H & my family. Is this what I should expect? Is it normal to give so much up for another's happiness? I'm lost.
Thanks
Patagonia

[henrydavidtherobot]

I would talk to a counselor to identity what the source of your unhappiness is before you do anything rash. But no, I don't think it's healthy to give up happiness for other people, except your kids. However, your kids don't need you guys together. They just need both of their parents.

[casurfer]

What does 'soul mate' mean to you?

[Patagonia]

I think soulmate is someone you know you should be w/ for better or worse. We've grown apart. The more mental issues I have the further back my H stands as if I'm a leper. I can see it, sense it. He doesn't wanto talk to me about it. He's sick of me. We've done couples therapy with three different therapists. He thought it was a waste of time. He doesn't understand it and I feel extremely alone in this marriage. And yet I feel like I have to stay because of my children. I'm obligated. I'm not happy and he knows I'm not happy but it doesn't seem to bother him. I'm convenient And I'm disappearing.

[Patagonia]

Maybe I just expect too much.

[Perna]

You say you have grown apart? Can you figure that out and get back closer together? I would not stay if I were that unhappy and couldn't work it out; like henrydavidtherobot says, you do not have to be together to parent together. If you were to find someone else you were happier and healthier with, that too would be good for the children when they were with you; the example you are setting now, is that how you want them to view life?

[IndieVisible]

I don't believe in soul mates.

[casurfer]

So there are some needs that you have that are not being met, do you think he has needs that are not being met? I think that the biggest thing is to find out what that is and share it with him.

I've felt conflicted at times in my relationship as well, because we have intimacy issues.... the issues stem from her putting a bubble around herself and it's hard for her to open up to me. She's told me flat out that she doesn't "need me" in a sexual way, and I've felt really rejected in that way.

But the thing is, we get along great, things are good otherwise.... I don't want to lose my family... I really am attracted to my wife and want to be with her and spend time with her.... but I "feel" like she doesn't want to.

So I've seen a therapist etc... the thing is that maybe she does need me just not as much as I need her to need me. Does that make sense?

So the question is, because of this, are we NOT soul mates? I feel like we are or could be.... but I don't know.

Is there such a thing really? I don't know.

I agree with the other posters, you need to find out what it is that you need what you are not feeling and find a way to work it out with your husband. I think if you leave him, you may not feel better.... maybe there is "better" guy out there, but maybe not.

Why are relationships so hard and complicated?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I've been married 19 yrs & we have 3 young children. I know he's not my soulmate. Does that matter? Do I settle for average? If I try to go or find myself & what I want out of life ill ruin my H & my family. Is this what I should expect? Is it normal to give so much up for another's happiness? I'm lost.
Thanks
Patagonia

From this first post, I'd say it doesn't completely matter if someone is soulmate material or not, for many it's a subjective term. Some believe, some don't.
Do you settle for average? No, you settle for a relationship that nurtures mutual respect. Then again, is that something to 'settle' for or to strive for?
Can you stay put, for the meantime, and take this time to figure out yourself? Are you in a relationship that fosters respect? I ask, because happiness, is another subjective emotion, that sometimes people lack due to personal struggles with depression.

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I think soulmate is someone you know you should be w/ for better or worse. We've grown apart. The more mental issues I have the further back my H stands as if I'm a leper. I can see it, sense it. He doesn't wanto talk to me about it. He's sick of me. We've done couples therapy with three different therapists. He thought it was a waste of time. He doesn't understand it and I feel extremely alone in this marriage. And yet I feel like I have to stay because of my children. I'm obligated. I'm not happy and he knows I'm not happy but it doesn't seem to bother him. I'm convenient And I'm disappearing.

Through much therapy and support groups and self-help, the word 'should' stands out to me, like a sore thumb. Love IS a Choice! A soulmate by this definition, could be someone you WANT to spend the rest of your life with, for better or for worse.
He didn't embrace the couples counseling? Saw it as a waste? What is it, here, that he's bringing to the table, that you feel like, after 19 years and three kids, you are growing apart? Why isn't he supportive and compassionate about anything emotionally, that you are struggling with, in your life, right now?
Obligation to stay together, unhappily married, with kids, doesn't sound like a healthy, nurturing environment for the kids to observe.
Are there arguments?

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Maybe I just expect too much.

Expect too much? Sounds like, you know there are needs, within your relationship that are going unfulfilled. Is that why, the first post, you mention settling for average and giving up a chance at yourself experiencing happiness?

[Patagonia]

I'd stay in the marriage for my children's sake. I can hide my unhappiness pretty well right now w/ them but as they get older I think they'll catch on.

There's a book by Jodi Piccoult called Mercy, I think & she talks about every relationship being around 60%, 40% & I do feel one usually loves the other a bit more. I give my H everything I think he wants. Plenty of intimacy, I don't touch his social schedule so I could do something of my own, he has many activities he enjoys in fact he's added more to them since we have kids. I think it's bec he knows ill let him go do it & I'm "a great babysitter." His life hasn't changed since kids; mine has come to a stand still. I'm extremely isolated. I feel he has the best of both worlds.
I have been honest w/ him & told him when I'm really down I need you to do x,y & z. He even repeated them in the T session. Last time I was really bad, totally depressed he asked if he could do anything & I looked him straight in the eye & told him "you know what I want when I'm like this." He turned & left saying he had no idea. I don't ask for much. I want to be held. Rocked & told everything will be ok. That's it. Nothing fancy just comfort. I get more comfort crying into a pillow!
Part of me wants more & part of me says I made my bed now sleep in it.

[casurfer]

Patagonia,

You sound like a wonderful woman and it seems to me like this is salvageable.

One thing stands out to me though. I think when you tell him "you know what I want"... I could see how someone would think that's confrontational. It would be better to be direct with him and simply ask him, "can you please hold me, I need you right now..."

That will most likely work better. Men are often times not that perceptive. We may not really know what's going on in your head and it could be really confusing to him.

If you asked him directly, and he still walked away, I'd be surprised.

As a man, I want very much for my wife to he happy....although I am very focused on that, perhaps to the point of being annoying.

[Patagonia]

I will be brutally honest I'm no cupcake, all sweet & cheery. I'm moody, sullen, pessimistic, lazy & a pretty big failure when it comes to making money for our family. I know that weighs heavily on my H being the sole bread winner. I feel that my mental illnesses have pulled him down when he's sick & tired of holding me up. When I'm really sick he worries for my safety which in turn is the safety of the kids. Last time I was hospitalized in January he asked me to come home bec he couldn't do it by himself anymore. I wasn't ready to leave, but I had a family to hold together so my issues were put on the back burner.
He has many of his own issues he won't share w/ me anymore. There are many subjects we just don't discuss anymore bec they lead to a fight or a stalemate. We both get frustrated & they we don't talk about it. I've asked him to return to couples T but he refused again. That is the ultimate hurt bec I feel like I'm willing to ask someone to help us & his reply means to me that he thinks everything is fine.

[casurfer]

I can see where not wanting to go to therapy would feel like a rejection. I've had that myself...

I think that you need to be direct when you need help. Try to show him strength in new ways. You can do more than you think!!

I can see where being too much of a victim would be overwhelming to him. Is there a way you can overcome some of this without him? That would help.

[Patagonia]

Honestly he doesn't hit me, he's a good provider, husband & father. Why am I so unhappy? Maybe it's all me! I just remember us being so much happier & so much more in love. I don't have a bad life, but my H definitely knows I'm financially dependent on him. I did bring the subject up a couple of yrs ago of a divorce & he laughed about it. Told me HE would t leave, but I would have to. Also I'd never get full custody of the kids bec of being sick. This makes me feel stuck. I'm not strong enough to do this alone. I know I wouldn't make it so why am I even talking about it!

[Patagonia]

Casurfer
I'm working on many things in T right now that I don't dare talk to him about although I desperately wanto. I'd like to talk to someone outside of the T office just to share thoughts w/. He always asks how my appt was & I always say fine.

[healingme4me]

Can you find employment, outside the home? Being a stay at home mum can be a strain on many levels for many people.

Nice 'threat' there about custody! How dare him!

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Honestly he doesn't hit me, he's a good provider, husband & father. Why am I so unhappy? Maybe it's all me! I just remember us being so much happier & so much more in love. I don't have a bad life, but my H definitely knows I'm financially dependent on him. I did bring the subject up a couple of yrs ago of a divorce & he laughed about it. Told me HE would t leave, but I would have to. Also I'd never get full custody of the kids bec of being sick. This makes me feel stuck. I'm not strong enough to do this alone. I know I wouldn't make it so why am I even talking about it!

[Patagonia]

We live in a very small town. If I wanto find employment in my field I'd have to go to a big city, but I can always get a minimum wage job somewhere around here. I'm going to have to in 2 yrs bec my youngest will be in school full time. I'm sure I can't stay home after that.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

Maybe I just expect too much.

Having your husband value your happiness is NOT expecting to much. You deserve love and support. Your happiness is important, and you're more than just a warm body to fulfill everyone else's needs.

[casurfer]

I think that this is a two way street... be direct with what you want. Be nice to him and each other. If you are at all attracted to him it would be better to stay together. No one is perfect out there, you have to make it work!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

We live in a very small town. If I wanto find employment in my field I'd have to go to a big city, but I can always get a minimum wage job somewhere around here. I'm going to have to in 2 yrs bec my youngest will be in school full time. I'm sure I can't stay home after that.

Would he support a choice for you to take a small part-time, minimum wage job, or how about some volunteer work, and would you want to? Just to rebuild a sense of connection with other adults, which is greatly lacking, when we, as moms, stay home to childrear. I know, I've been there, with babies, three of them.

[Patagonia]

It's a 2 way street when discussing small decisions. When it's large, life changing decisions I really don't get a say. He hates! change & I'm asking for change, big change.
Our house is literally falling apart. It has structural issues. Every yr there's something new. For the longest time I'd look for another place, try to find a place he'd b interested in, but he refuses to look. It came down to a big argument & him getting in my face & saying "we're not moving anywhere!" After that I stopped looking.

A few months ago a job opened in a large city 3 hrs from us. It was in my field, benefits & I'd be using my masters degree. I've never made more than a few thousand a yr. I got excited, sent him the link & he blew a gasket. Just hammering me w/ questions, "where will we live, we don't know the city, where will I work, where will kids go to school....even how will we get around! Really! So for we to have a career & decent salary I have to accommodate all his needs, then mine. I told him to stop & I'd forget about it. Then he said "even the salary is small." $20,000 is not small to me. Others yes, but it's a step out & up.

I can make a decision on paint color but not anything about what happens w/ our $$. Last time he said "if you'd contribute more you'd have more of a say." Yup, that one hurt too. I know my role as a wife he wants me to play. The question is whether I can do it & not live in resentment