Don't know what to do

Where does one start with something like this? I'm not sure how to tell the whole thing without it being a novel.

I knew something was wrong with my wife about three years ago when she became withdrawn and resentful of my trying to find the reason. I turned out that she had been seeing another man. They had met several times and even gone to a motel. According to her though they never actually had sex but did everything around the edges. This was a very heart wrenching thing for me but, not unexpected. She'd done something similar many years ago while she was in collage. Her answer to 'why?' was that she'd always felt like we got married to young (19 her & 21 me) and she wondered what it would be like with someone else. She's always had a suppressed wild adventuress side to her as well. And sex seems to her release for this wild side. After much discussion and talk of us 'taking a break', and each of doing whatever we wanted independently of each other. This was totally unacctiable to me. I knew that could be nothing but bad for both of us. I we decided to try some adventuress things together so, we visited some local topless bars just to get our feet wet. I had been to topless bars before but never cared for them because I just felt like I was being hustled for money. But she’d never been and wanted to see what they were like. We met a man there who told us about a swingers club. We went to the club, it wasn’t much different than any other club except a little more racy. I felt like this could be the answer to the “let’s take a break” dilemma.

I found a website for swingers and signed up for a trial period. She still wasn’t satisfied that this would cure her curiosity but went along (suppressed wild side). Before long we’d made a dinner date with a couple from the web site. We’d agreed that if we liked them and they wanted to we’d ‘play’. That was nearly two years ago now. Well they liked us and everything went as you would expect something of the sort to go. We ‘played’ with them several times. The other lady and I never cared much for each other, it’s more like hate the sight each other now. But, my wife and the other gentleman hit it off famously. We’ve continued in the swinging lifestyle every since. I’ve felt like she’s much happier with a release for her wild tendencies and we meet and have social interaction with a much broader circle of friends.

The problem though is this. She never broke off the relationship with that first guy. He started calling her and e-mailing her at work. I found out about this a confronted her to stop. But she reasoned that it was okay because I’d watched her have sex with him already, so what was wrong with her continuing it? The problem is that the other man’s wife has no clue this going on, and the fact that my wife is very much in love with this man. I tried unsuccessfully to end it last summer my wife’s a school teacher; because of all the free time she was able to meet him several times. I threatened to leave her over this, but she’s always sworn that she’d never leave me and that I would be ruining our kids’ lives and our marriage. So, I’ve allowed the relationship to continue, not that I could’ve stopped it. Now that it’s summer again and she’s continuing the same pattern. Right now she’s on a three day trip that she says is ‘school related’ when actually she’s off with him.

Now the panic that’s hit me is that I’ve never a day in my life lived by myself (I’m 45) and the thought of it scares the hell out me. But I’m certain that if things don’t change and soon I will be.

Mark

Mark - I am sorry you have to go through this. Your wife sounds very immature. I have no moral problem with swingers, but I really feel that this is something that cannot work in a real relationship. It seems to me that it is always one sided, one person in the relationship is really into it and the other is not. Marriage is about compromise. We all have to squelch certain aspects of our personalities. This is not always a bad thing. The fact that she does not care that she may be hurting you is a bad thing. I know it is hard to think about being alone, but isn't it worse to think that you would be with her the rest of your life? I think you have risen way above the what would be required in a marriage. Personally, I think she is acting like a child and you should give her an ultimatum to go to counseling with you. Also, doesn't she think her behavior is more apt to ruin the kids lives? I wish you luck.

Sorry I have no advice, but I am 45, have had "mental" fantasies even told my husband about them, but never would go as far as acting on them, if so I'd think the marriage is in trouble. I know it is late in the game but when this all started you should have sought counselling, in fact it is not too late if both of you are up to it. I hope you all have been careful about the possiblity of contracting and spreading STD'S and even AIDS!

Hi Mark!!
I believe that you very well know your wife's actions speaks for themselves. She is adventuresome, yes but she is also, like you afraid of being alone and in order to avoid ending up alone she gives you a story so you will not leave her despite her being with another man. You in your turn refuse to see what is clear to everyone: She is plain being unfaithful, that is the truth, the reason she has for that is a diffrent story. In order to avoid facing a life on your own you put up with your wife being unfaithful and only you can decide if that is ok for you or not. In a way this is life finally putting you on the spot and giving you a chance to develop into a free man using your wife in provoking you to take the step into the unknown. You daring to live on your own is you key to "freedom" (freedom in the sense of being in charge of your life).

You are scared of a possible life as single but , honestly what is the worst thing that can happen?? I seems to me that your behavior circles around avoiding ending up "alone" and rather than letting that happen you contiune to put up with a life that for a couple of years now has been very difficult to you due to your wifes urge to be adventurous. You are being treated the way you are because you allow it!! Do you really need a person in your life that clearly hurts you? Are you willing to suffer any longer in order to avoid being single?

I have gone through pretty much the same myself and in order to avoid being single, wich was my biggest fear, and rescue the children from growing up in a split family I endured (I allowed)
pure hell in my marrige for years. My husband finally left me and after he did so I realized life as a single mother was peaceful and happy and my only regret was that I put up with my husbands lies etc for so long.

There is no rewind in life and if I were you I would accept what your wife's actions tell: She is off with another man and she would not be unless she wanted to and you can not want to be with another man if you are married unless you no longer have the comittment to your husband and love for him. Mark, grab life and start with facing your big fear: Being on your own. When you have overcome that fear you will be free to chose your partner in love as a free man as opposed to being a man that settles for less in order to fight off the fear of being lonely. Your wife is aware of your weak spot and she plays on it because she is just as afraid as you are for ending up without a partner. I believe she would not hesitate to leave you should a man attractive enough for her want to marry her, that is she could go from your marrige directly into a new marriage.
Again, what is the worst that can happen?

As for the children my experience is that divorce is difficult for them but you can make it easier by refraining from backtalking eachother. Eventually they figure out for themselves who their parents are. I can not enough emphacise how important it is to stay away from ventilating disapoinment etc to your children, let them keep their idealized version of their parents that they need to have.
Wish you all the best ! And remember no pain no gain. This is your chance to take charge of your life!!!
Best regards Mbarsk

Thanks for the reply and the support. Yes everything you've said is true. This relationship and the 'swinging lifestyle' has given her an opportunity shop around while still keeping me. And yes I've allowed it to happen I've never denied that fact. She has always said that she'd never leave me and if anyone ends the marriage it would be me. Right now that just sounds like a guilt trip that shes putting on me. Again I allow that to happen because of my fear of the unknown, but mostly out of my love for her. I've never been a very religous man dispite being brought up in the church (the same church where I met her) but one chapter in Corinthians has always stuck with me. Chapter 13 of Corinthians the love chapter says that 'love is quick to forgive' and I've felt that passage was a guide for love. On the other hand one my wife's favorite sayings is "you can't be a door mat unless you lay down'. I suppose the question that remains is am I doing the nobel thing in forgiving her and letting her explore her fantasies or am I a door mat? Yes, I know I'm the only one that can truly answer that question.

Mark

Dear Darkeyes,

First of all I think everyone has fantasies about being with someone else. The fact that you told your husband is a big step, make sure you let him know it's not because you don't love him. I don't think that the fantasies are an indication of trouble. I do think longing to become emotionally attached to someone other than your husband does indicate problems!

As for the counselling I got her to go to one session. She felt like it was a waste of time and money. Because she was and is sure that nothings wrong with her actions.

Mark

Well you are trying, I am sorry that she isn't. I've been married for 24 yrs. we knew each other since we were teenagers, sure there hhas been rough times but both have to work at it, not just one person. I hope you can convince her, maybe a different counselar may help, or maybe you may need to go seperately to a therapist. I wish I could help you both, it is ashame to possibly lose a marriage due to stubborness on her part. I wish you two a lot of luck and love.
"darkeyes"

Mark, forgiveness is what you give to someone who has wronged you and is repentant. So, while love may be quick to forgive, allowing someone to hurt you who has no intention of stopping is not forgiveness.

Also, your wife's contention that since she will not leave, then you would be responsible if the marriage broke up is just wrong. Think of it this way...if a man was beating his wife, and she left him, *he* is still the one responsible for the marriage failing, not her. And while this may sound over the top, in my opinion your wife's behavior constitutes abuse. It actually follows the classic abuse pattern...she does something that she knows hurts you, yet she tries to make it seem like it is an appropriate way to behave (the equivalent of an abuser saying "you asked for it"). It is also very common for abusers to refuse to go to counselling because they realize that a counselor will very likely say that they should stop their pattern of abuse.

If her behavior hurts you, there is no reason you should have to accept it. You are perfectly justified in telling her that you cannot accept what she is doing, and that you will not stay with her unless she makes certain changes. Whether this means returning to counselling, being completely faithful, or whatever, you will have to determine. If she refuses, then it is she who ended the marriage, not you.

You may find that seeing a counsellor on your own will help you sort out what you want to do, and how you want to approach it. It is very difficult to deal with an abuser, and a professional can offer excellent guidance.

Good luck,
mj