What should I do

Hi everyone

I just found this forum today and I would really like some honest opinions. I have a husband that leaves for days when we argue and never calls or answers my calls. He also always says he has had it and wants a divorce. This is very hurtful to me. Let me tell you what happened yesterday. We got into an argument about how long to put our 2 year old in time out. I said only 2 minutes and he wanted to keep her in there for a long time because she is throwing tantrums and hitting and what we are doing is not working in his opinion. I just believe that she is 2 and this is normal behavior. Anyways the argument escalated and he said he is leaving for two weeks and we will discuss us being married when he gets back. I don't believe ha is cheating. He has a job that he travels a lot for. My question is. Is this behavior something I should just learn to live with or get out and also when someone threatens divorce do they really mean it or is it just a control issue. I don't want to break up my marriage but in my opinion leaving without contact and threating divorce is unacceptable behavior. I know this is not a trait that is going to change in him.

Hi and welcome to PC.

Of course his leaving and threatening divorce is hurtful to you - that's the idea. Some guys, especially those with really low self-esteems, use this manipulative tactic to stay in control of the relationship. My guess is it only works for a while, then the partner decides that he/she is better off without the jerk and it's splitzville.

But you don't want that to happen, so you'll have to make some changes. I know, I know - he's the one who is being abusive so why is it that you have to change?! The answer is because you can't control him. So first, I will suggest that you see a counselor. If he'd go for marriage therapy, that would be great, but even if he didn't, you could use some help understanding and then practicing boundaries in a safe environment.

There are tons of books about boundaries that can help jump start your changed life. You're absolutely right that threatening divorce all the time is unacceptable behavior. What the books and/or therapy would do would be help you define a) why are you letting him make these threats? b) what are your bottom lines around his behavior (he can be gone for 3 days, but if he's gone for 4 I will xyz) and c) what consequences are you willing to enforce if he doesn't abide by your boundaries?

As you become aware of your boundaries and start to enforce them, things get worse before they get better. You must realize this before you embark on such an endeavor, or you'll get scared, think they don't work and back off. But, if you set limits, hold them, and then enforce consequences, things will be much better for your husband and your 2 year old. After all, isn't this exactly what being a parent is all about?

Good luck!

Hi gibbymommy,

So sorry, sounds like you have two 2 year olds. bubsmiley is right, you cannot do anything about your husbands childish and abusive behavior so what you need to do is to help yourself. I have only been on your side of the coin and not the healing side long enough to know what those steps are so I am a student also. All I can do is offer you some support and wish you well.

HourHand

I also agree w/ the advise given above about setting boundaries. I do have to say what does this look like thru the eyes of a 2 yo? They do understand basic emotions. What will this situation b like when your child asks questions about what is going on? Where's dad? When is he coming back? Why are you sad? My children, 8 yo & under can pick up on my emotions VERY quickly. So please think of the consequences for your child...even if a divorce is followed through.
Temper tantrum are very typical & yes you handled that correctly. Their not easy. We had one child we had to physically hold down. Ugh! I read read that all tantrums sound the same. Anger, frustration being voiced even physically shown & then it reaches a pinnacle & they come down from them. Their screams change to genuine cries of sorrow & they seek comfort. Does your child's tantrums set your H off? I know sometimes for me they did & I had to physically leave & let my H handle it. For some reason tantrums would make me angry.
I would seek some counseling even if it's legal counseling. If he wants a divorce will he be able to cover alimony & child support or do you think he'd try to skip on it? What usually brings him back home? What is the feeling like when he returns? These are all things a good counselor can help you sort thru. Find a good one; be picky & get one your comfortable w/ bec some topics might be uncomfortable to begin with. They are worth their weight in gold if they're good.
Keep in touch & tell us how things go. You have a lot on your plate being mom, dad & wife so be kind to yourself

I say you are the victim of emotional abuse. What you need to do is divorce him before he divorces you. You deserve so much better.

Thank you for your words. It's not just that it is hurtful but also I am a stay at home mom (in the process of looking for a job). The fear if him actually leaving is also big because I depend on him to support us. It would be less scary if I knew he was just "blowing smoke" but I never know if this is the time he will really do as he says.

I understand your fear, but when you get a job of some kind, you will find hope again. I know because I am a stay at home mom too, but I volunteer on Sundays to get some kind of experience under my belt. All you can do is wait and see if he is going to do as he says. If he does, contact a social worker and see if you can get on TANF or some other kind of welfair. You don't have to be on TANF or welfair forever. Just until you get on your feet.

I'm a stay @ home mom too & can understand how scary that might be. Yes I'd go on the offense & start to do some research of whats out there for yourself & your child. Catsrhelm is right, you do deserve more!

Thanks for the encouragement about going on the offensive. Just for my own curiosity (what am I saying it's for my own security). Does anyone know if men that do these types of things generally leave or is it the spouse that usually leaves. I need together my affairs in order and I am scared he will leave me high and dry before I can.

I remember when my son's dad, i'm not with him anymore and one of the reason is because he would get pshysical with our son when he was throwing tantrums, he would just take a spanking to hard especially one time because my son spilled his beer. He spanked him so hard i decided it wasn't right, and he also was just a jerk anyway, and i couldn't take it anymore. I was also a stay at home mom, so was dependant until a counselor helped me save some money up to get out of the situation, it was pretty bad so i told her about it and we agreed it was not right for him to be soo controlling too. Get the job, i wish i had a job, i am disabled from seizures and other mental health issues, and your self confidence will probably go up too. I remember that when i did work i was always feeling alot better because i felt i had a sence of purpose too.

In my experiance it can go either way, and although he may be crying wolf today, tomorrow, if the opportunity arrises, he'll be gone. And face it, if he's been saying it, he's no doubt preparing for it. My advice...row up your ducks and be ready

Threatening, and not following through is a 'control' issue. Running away, because times get hard, that could last a lifetime, without setting boundaries, that may include you walking away from the whole thing, next time he does that.

And fyi, I was under the impression, that it was 1 minute per age, for time-outs, as a standard time table.

I am feeling do bad today. He left Sunday and it is now Wednesday with no contact. This just tears me up, makes my stomach hurt and makes me feel competely unloved. I tried to call on Monday but he ignored my call. I have such a want and need to call him today and talk about this. If I call and he doesn't answer it makes me feel like he has taken more control over the situation. I feel do confused and very hurt.