[Intuition]

I met a guy at a social event. We had a great time and we barely spoke to anybody else. I thought he behaved a bit odd but nothing that would really raise red flags. We ended up at his place and I thought this would be a one-night stand even though I'm not into these kind of things (I'm very good at kidding myself here). He told me he would leave the country within a few weeks and I had no problem with it (told you I was kidding myself).

What I didn't know is that he was drunk that evening to the point of not remembering half of the conversations (including the one-night stand part).
He gave me his phone number and asked me to contact him.
We met again 2 days later. He was way more distant (in hindsight it makes sense because this time he wasn't drunk) so we had our first date. It all went very well and he asked loads of questions about me. He insisted again that he was leaving soon and said "Typical, when I am leaving, I meet a great girl". I told him he wasn't forced to leave but he seemed determined to go home but he wouldn't say why.

We spent a great week. He was perfect, he idealized me and he asked me to move in. He even talked about me to his parents. I was surprised at the speed of it but quite happy. He even started probing very carefully if I would come with him when he moved out of the country.

Then I went on a short business trip and that's when things started to become fishy. His emails became rare and he wrote that he missed me a lot and that it was weird so after 5 days I told him that enough was enough. He quickly answered with loads of excuses. When I came back earlier than planned I found him wasted. He was happy to see me but I was shocked at the state of the flat. He told me he had been faithful and that he told every girl he met that he was with me (how many willing girls do you meet in a park when you're half in a coma?).

He convinced me to go on a one week trip to his country. We stayed at his parent's place. That next week I experienced a new person: tense, irritated, unfair.
I now realize that he cut back on alcohol and that it explains most of his change in attitude. But the change of country played a part too.
But we talked a lot and it seemed ok. He decided that I wasn't evil and that it all was some misunderstanding.

So when did I understand? Actually in the third week he told me that he was an alcoholic and that he wanted to get sober. I thought that he was exaggerating but the relationship became more and more tense and we started fighting for silly reasons. He asked me 3 times to leave his flat but always changed his mind and said that he loved me, was scared of me, that I had to be always right, that I was very smart but that he liked that etc... He even said "you're going to come up with arguments that convince me to go on with the relationship. I hate it when you're right." I think he though I was manipulating, controlling him. So me being right was not a good thing apparently.

The fourth week I finally understood that he was serious. I saw him completely wasted, almost unconscious. The flat was becoming filthy. He expected me to clean it but I was more and more reluctant. Don't they say that an alcoholic must face the consequences of his actions?
The day he had to leave the flat, he was so drunk that I was embarrassed in front of the landlord.
I still hoped for some last nice days together before he went home for rehab but when I showed him how disappointed I was by his drinking he left extremely angry. He said that I was vicious, controlling etc.

I didn't prevent him from leaving. I knew he would get wasted, robbed etc... but I thought it would help him realize that rehab was really urgently needed. I left the country the next day.
After 3 days I sent him an email. He confirmed that he had been drinking, been robbed and that he didn't really remember much. He said that this time he had really touched bottom so I lent him the money to go home for rehab. I know he'll pay me back, he always has.

He was extremely grateful and took the blame for everything that went wrong, which was silly as I'm no saint.
He sent me some nice emails upon his return but when I asked him whether he wanted to end the relationship after our last fight (gratitude is not love), he didn't answer and only talked about the stuff he did during the day. He kept promising he would write properly later.
Given his state, I didn't push the relationship talk. I am not a fool, I know it won't be a piece of cake to support him but since he was willing to go to rehab, I wanted to give it a shot.

We are in 2 different countries now and I was supposed to join him once he started rehab. But his emails become friendly but distant. I haven't heard from him in 3 days. I don't know if I should worry or if he just doesn't care anymore. He must be embarrassed too that I saw him at his worst I imagine.

I know he needs space and time to work through the issues that led to his alcoholism and that our relationship needs to slow down because all went way too fast but I can't stay on standby without even knowing if we still have a relationship, if the feelings are still there on his side. I can slow down and see how it goes but I need to know if he still cares.
He said "I'll see if I miss you". Oh great! Makes me feel all fuzzy inside.
I know that in one month I may call it quits anyway but I can't walk away now if I know so little.

He was never physically abusive and when he went nuts emotionally he was capable of admitting it.

Regardless of alcohol I know he needs to be in charge, he quickly feels judged and disrespected. I can live with that. I don't want to change him. I am not a piece of cake either. He can be in charge if he needs that. I really don't mind.

But now it's hard to know how to act because there's not just the usual relationship stuff. I need to know where I stand but it's really difficult. I wrote an email, telling him that I needed answers. I made it very easy for him to end the relationship. No hard feelings etc... But I'm afraid he will just ignore it even if he answers. He doesn't seem to want me to go but he seems scared of a future with me. So what is it going to be: limbo or dumping through silent treatment?

I am not going to lie. I hurts that he had 2-3 year relationships before and if my relationship lasts only 5 weeks, I'll feel like a failure. Even with alcohol in play, I am the one who feels like a failure.

I tried to do everything right, to be understanding but not to enable. He told me that sometimes he hated me because I was right but that he was grateful for the tough love.
That's great. But I have the feeling that I will do the right thing but be the one alone in the cold, while he gets sober and rides into the sunset with someone else.

Some people tell me to forget him, others that I should demand a clear answer, others that I should wait for him to contact me (I'm over 40, not 25. I don't have my whole life ahead of me to play hide and seek).

I want to be with him IF he loves me enough and if he truly gets sober but how can I know any of this if he withdraws into silence?

I hate this uncertainty .

[~Christina]

The person you met probably isn't the real person he is. Alcohol skews everything. Good that he is in rehab. Hopefully he can get healthy and take control back of his life and not be a slave to a bottle.

Your relationship with him was only 5 weeks .. not long at all. Why would you be agreeable to let him be in charge ? He also lives in another country, are you willing to risk moving there? If things don't work out what then? You should not feel like a failure He treated you poorly in only 5 weeks with him. That should tell you something. Usually people are on there best behavior in the begining of a relationship.

There is no telling what kind of person he will be if he does follow through with rehab.. He could be just as controlling and saying hateful things. You deserve better.

If it were me I would just drop the whole mess and move on.


Good luck

[UCLAFan]

time to move on.he sounds like a complete jerk

[Intuition]

I know it's been only 5 weeks but he said himself that we experienced together as much as others do in 3 years, which is true. But I know it's very intense and can backfire. He repeatedly said that it was going very fast but that we had no choice.
Moving would not be a problem. I travel light and I can easily relocate there and back if it doesn't work out. So that's not a problem.
Yes, he may indeed be a very different man sober and I may not love him anymore then. That's clearly a possibility. But I'd like to see who he becomes. There will still be some of the older guy left.

Well the first week he was the perfect boyfriend and he drank normally. He later told me that he wanted to impress me and he succeeded. He kept telling my that I was the perfect girlfriend.

Then we went to his parent's place and he started to change. He told me that all his exes said the same thing and that now he started to believe it. In the beginning he told me that they were all lunatics which I highly doubted. After our fights he told me he suddenly realized that he had been the problem, not them, that he had been a jerk and that what I said was exactly what his exes had told him.
When I helped him get to rehab, he told me he couldn't believe that after all the crap he did, I was still kind to him. He sounded very ashamed and desperate to get home

At some point in the third week he told me: "Why are you still here? Haven't you suffered enough?" I answered that without his rehab project I would have left already.
He said that he tried to put my interest before his own by driving me away and that I didn't seem to acknowledge that there was a problem.
I asked him if he loved me and wanted a future with me and he said that he did. He insisted that he didn't understand why I doubted that (yeah why on earth?)
But at other times he said that he didn't see a future because we were fighting so much (yeah because of the alcohol)..

But what I don't get is if he wants to end it why can't he just say some lame sentence men love : "I need time for myself", "My sobriety coach said a relationship would endanger my sobriety" or whatever. I made it VERY easy for him to walk away.
Why send casual emails or not write at all?
- Has he relapsed and is ashamed?
- Is he unsure about us and doesn't want to decide now because he doesn't want to make a mistake?
- Is he depressed?
- Does he want to end it but spare my feelings or does he already consider ourselves over and won't tell me because he's a coward?

The thing is I'm worrying now that something bad happened. He's sick after all. It's not easy to walk away when you're worried sick. And his parents are not exactly a big help. They don't like me and I don't think they are capable of truly supporting their son. They seem to bury their heads in the sand.
He already seems to want to move out presto from his small parent's place. As soon as he arrived he looked for a flat, a bank account, a job. He clearly wants to be independent as quickly as possible.

I'm really worried but maybe I'm just a fool.
If I have to let him go, I will but I really need to understand.

[NWgirl2013]

Um...there are w.a.y too many 'what if's' in all of this to really consider this a serious relationship. He needs to man up and do and be what he says. No B.S.
You Deserve Better.
Alcoholism is not something you go Toward in life. Watching someone like this, go in and out, up & down, round & round, is just ...hard. Really hard. I see this pattern in what you said: he draws you in, then spits you out. Over & over.
All your questions need to go unanswered for now. I know you care what happens to this guy, but I think, he has a lot to do before you should try to figure him or his reasons out. Alcoholics are emotional & irrational. Take it Extra Slow. For your sake, make some distance and give him time to get it together.

I speak from experience. I speak as a person who took on that person, supported & loved, and gave & gave & gave. I believed he wanted to change. He did Want to. But it is a really hard fight. It is a disease. It can be fatal.
Again, respectfully, You Deserve Better.
Believe that. It's True.

[Intuition]

Thank you for your valuable advice. I agree that I can't take this in and out thing much longer. I agree that I deserve better. But I haven't given up hope yet that one day he will be that "better". Not like in the first week but a new person. But I do know that I have to protect myself and still enjoy life outside of his alcohol problem world.

I want to do the right thing, not being needy or enabling but I still have to tell him that I need some answers. I'm not asking for much right now. I know he can't give much at this time. I hope he will answer. So far he answered but avoided to answer the relationship question.

Extra slow. Yes, I feel it instinctively too.
He actually offered friendship after one bad fight. When I refused and after we talked he said we should see how it goes. In one of his last emails before he went home he told me that everything was in the air. He sounded very messed up and lost. All that time he kept insisting that he loved me and once he asked if it was possible to hate and love at the same time. I told him yes. He told me I was good for him but that sometimes he hated me for being right, that one day he loved me and the next he hated me and he didn't understand.

I can take it extra slow if I know we are in a relationship. I need this "safe" environment.
If not and he has sex with other women, or if he chooses another girlfriend, I would be too hurt and I would have waisted my time. Heck even if he doesn't I will start to imagine it since he would be free. Some people can cut someone loose and get back together after dating other people. I can't.

I can be patient and take care of myself, see if he's serious with rehab and us, but not as a friend. That's why I need to push him a little. I'm not asking for plans, for definite answers, I just need to know if we are in a relationship. I've been single for 6 years so a few months more or less waiting is ok.
I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met him but I guess I was ready for one.

He has deleted or doesn't use the profiles he has on social networks (almost empty profiles anyway). He never goes on any chat.

So your friend couldn't change in the end?

[Odee]

Intuition:

I am not going to lie. I hurts that he had 2-3 year relationships before and if my relationship lasts only 5 weeks, I'll feel like a failure. Even with alcohol in play, I am the one who feels like a failure.

Why do you want to be the woman who spent 2-3 years in an unhealthy relationship rather than being the woman smart enough to move on after 5 weeks?

[Intuition]

Good point but at least she had a relationship.

I'd like to move on but it's hard with no news. I almost wish he would write that he's fed up with me. It would make it easy.
As it is I wonder if something happened to him. I'm probably kidding myself but how can I get closure?

[NWgirl2013]

LOL ~ not really funny but, no, my friend could not change in the end. We went to zero contact, mutual mostly, but it was hard & painful for us both.

An entire Year went by, no word one way or the other. Then BOOM! I get the call, the email, the text: 'we need to talk', 'I have some things I want/need to say'....uh...okay, I agreed, reluctantly.

I had not only moved on, I moved to Another State for crying out loud, started over for real. Not dating, just rebuilding myself.

He'd gotten word from a mutual friend that I was gone. Sent him into a tailspin. So he called.
What did he want to say? He asked for forgiveness. For being a douche, for causing so much pain.
And to tell me he is in end stage cancer, exacerbated by the drinking. He called to be forgiven and to say goodbye.

We have cursory contact now. It is hard for both of us. He guilts himself for reopening a wound. He said, he didn't mean to 'tear off the scab'. I was able to say it is healed, a scar to be sure, but scars are tough. Not to worry about me.
But I grieve. I am resigned. I am glad I knew him. Sad he's dying at 48. Dumbfounded that he made it worse & will die years before his time.

He knows he has in me someone who he can 'always' turn to. Even if it hurts. It means something to him to know he was loved. It was all I could give to ease his passage to the next life, the one he doesn't believe in. He will die with at least one thing eased in his mind.

And yes, I deserved better too, as he so happily told me.
I should have listened.

[Intuition]

Yes I get that but you did something selfless for a person in pain.
So I don't think you waisted your time and when it got too tough you got out. At least in your case the zero contact was mutual.

I wish I knew what goes on in my case. It's so out of the blue. What was the trigger?
Is it just a sad story of a guy who's too cowardly to dump his girlfriend and just plays dead or is he in a bad place?

Nothing indicated this sudden stop in communication.

Did his mum convince him that I was trouble? Did he suddenly realize that by himself? Is he after someone else? Did he cheat on me and is his conscience killing him? I don't know anything.
I just want a straight answer and I don't know why he is too cruel to give it to me. I helped him to get home by lending him money. He was so grateful but not enough to be honest with me 7 days later it seems.

I've just written an email asking him if he was still alive. If he doesn't answer I will probably have to dump him.

My mum says I should announce that I'm booking a plane ticket to see if he's ok and that should scare him into answering. lol Not a bad idea. If I still don't get an answer, he's in a hospital.

[~Christina]

I am a bit surprised at the huge emotional attachment you have with him to be honest.. It was a 5 week so called relationship... There wasn't really any part of the relationship that even came close to a healthy connection.

His addiction is his life right now there was / is no room for a relationship with a person like this.

***Did his mum convince him that I was trouble? Did he suddenly realize that by himself? Is he after someone else? Did he cheat on me and is his conscience killing him? I don't know anything.
I just want a straight answer and I don't know why he is too cruel to give it to me. I helped him to get home by lending him money. He was so grateful but not enough to be honest with me 7 days later it seems.***

All those questions ? you will probably never get a answer for..You loaned someone money to go. home... and get help and now he wont speak with you... Take that as a huge sign.. He isn't worried about your feeling or your financial help or being a decent human being in general.

Its ok to be hurt ., it's okay to be angry. it's really not okay to beat yourself up over something and keep wanting answers from him... that probably will never happen. Sometimes you just have to let it go and move on.. Not all relationships end with all the loose ends tied up in a tiny bow.

Sorry your hurting .. but take the power back and focus on the future.

[Intuition]

Well as I said in those 5 weeks we did what other couples do in 3 years. I don' think you can always judge a relationship's nature by its duration. It wasn't a "so-called relationship". He called me his girlfriend, made plans, talked about wedding and kids and took me to his parent's place, to his best friend's wedding, he asked me to move in, he talked about me to his friends and family.
I don't think it's odd to be emotionally that invested when you love someone and on top of that know that they need help.

But where I agree with you is what kind of human being writes a nice email asking how I am and suddenly goes silent without any explanation. My answer to him was friendly and relaxed. I don't understand why it happened so out of the blue.

He still owes me the money for the flight. In the past he always insisted on paying his debts. So that's odd too. When I owe money to someone I want to break up with I pay immediately to be rid of my obligations or at least write that I'll pay at a specific date.

I don't get his sudden shyness. He tried several times to end it. We talked and then he changed his mind, telling me (like it was a bad thing) that I always changed his perspective on things and convinced him he wanted to stay with me. As if I was brainwashing him!
Every time he said we had no future or that our 5 weeks were like 3 years so we had our time together or when would I have enough, he backpedaled saying he loved me, wanted to be with me...

But his plans with me became more and more vague. He didn't talk to his friends and family about me anymore. When I told him, he said that he needed time to settle in and to figure things out. I told him that if he wanted a breakup, it was better to do it now, that I didn't want to be blindsided when he was home, that he would quickly forget me anyway, he told me that he didn't understand why I thought that he wanted to get rid of me, that it was the opposite: he was trying to keep me from leaving him.
But when I mentioned that at one point he said we should stay friends, he didn't say "I didn't mean that".

Later that night after I mentioned his drinking, he said I was deciding everything, controlling him, and stormed out to get wasted (typical alcoholic behavior).
That made him realize that he needed help (that's why I didn't prevent him from going, I was hoping for that wake-up call) and that's why I helped him with the plane ticket. He left everything behind.

After 3 days I asked how he was by email. I told him I cared and asked him if our relationship was over. He answered: "Sorry, did'nt read any of it, i ll read it properly later. I have been drinking constantly since i left you, drinking now". He never reacted to that letter after reading it "properly" so I still don't know if "when I left you" meant "when I stormed out" or meant "when I dumped you"
Later he wrote: "Thanks for the offer to help, even after everything you are still kind to me. I appreciate it. Sorry for everything that went wrong, "You're very kind, i don't deserve it.", and "I am close to tears. I can't thank you enough.".

When I didn't get the email he wrote early the next morning confirming that he made it safely because it was delayed (he missed other flights before because of drinking), I wrote: "if you care, let me know you made it safely, so I don't worry", he wrote "of course I care, I miss you. I'll contact you again tomorrow from a cybercafe" He had borrowed his sister's tablet to write that.
He contacted me but only 2 days later (no cybercafe, he found an old computer). He was cheerful but told me he had been very busy and that the keyboard didn't work properly. I took this as a way of saying: I don't want to write so often.

How can I ever trust anyone after this?
Why can't he be honest and say like he did so many times before "we have no future, I'm sorry" and then stop writing. This time I made it easy. Why is it suddenly so hard to say it when we are apart and I can't "convince" him otherwise.
He was not shy to be brutal before.

Yes I have many questions but isn't that natural? Wouldn't any woman in my situation?
Yes I care a lot but feelings can be intense quickly when you thought you found your match.

How can I take the power back without even hearing that it's over. I have no idea what's going on. I really want only one answer: is it over. He can keep the justifications for himself.

If he hadn't an alcohol problem, I would have given up already, trust me.
But here I don't know what is dictated by beer and what reflects his true wishes.
He may be depressed and lost.
If I need to give him time, I need to know.

[NWgirl2013]

I really, really think this is so hurtful for you. I know this silent treatment. It is a manipulation. It is hurtful. It hurts right?

I know you need/want answers, but you can force them out of an unwilling person. He probably feels bad about the money, and his behavior.

I learned with my friend, when he went silent, (this was his favorite manipulation) I had to learn to go even more silent. Be busy. Not call. Not write. Just...wait. It killed me at first, but I did it. It got easier. And he always reached out in the end, Always. He's a guy. They get curious.

You know he isn't treating you fairly or well so, please try to give him some space, take some for yourself and get busy living. I know you are already, I am just reiterating what you already know.

I do understand. I think you need to be silent for a while with him. I'm sorry. It's just what I see...

[Intuition]

Yes I agree with you indeed, NWgirl2013. Giving space is never a bad idea.

Now a little update:

After I voiced my exasperation and he felt he may lose me, he got in touch and we went on a short trip together. He's entering rehab right after so I guess he wanted this so I would wait for him.
He also said that we would see how it goes, that it would work or brake. I told him that it scared me that he was willing to decide on a relationship based on a week. He then quickly added that "no, of course not, he didn't mean that!"
The trip was great. Of course we had some arguments about his plans, the way he argues (napalm method ), but in my opinion 80% of the time was wonderful.

Now rehab is a reality and he's starting to get distant again.
His silence may be a way for him to protect himself in case I may give up on him I suppose.

Sadly his family hates me (go figure, why) and they won't inform me about his progress. He already confronted his parents to defend me so I know he really cares about me because he needs them and depends on them.

I know I have to keep busy as rehab can last 90 days and not push him for too specific plans after rehab. He has enough to worry about.
But what should I do other than keeping busy? Will he still want this relationship when he gets out? How do you support a recovering addict?
I told him I wanted to be there in real life too not just in the fun moments. All his plans with me are based on vacation plans but life is not a vacation! I get it that it's a nice idea, when reality looks so dark but it's not healthy.

So, I think he's worth the wait and the patience. We are way too similar to give up.

[Intuition]

I haven't heard from him in 4 days. If he wants to break-up because it's all too stressful or whatever can't he just say so. I can't move on.

He's now very active on Facebook adding childhood friends but ignores my email of 4 days ago (I wrote a fun and casual email, mirroring his) and one this morning asking him if he was ok and to talk to me whatever the problem is. So far no reaction.

Do you think he's trying the silent treatment because he thinks I won't get it otherwise?
What's wrong with : "I need to concentrate on my health, sorry but I can't have a relationship. It's not helping blahblahblah"? or whatever men can come up with?

I'm 500km from his place!! What is he afraid of?

I really don't get it. I know he's avoiding me because it's just too much but does he want to break-up? :-o I need to know to make decisions about my future etc...

[~Christina]

If he is not willing to email you back but can fiddle faddle on facebook ????... Does this not tell you something ???? I understand that you have feelings for him and honestly you have stayed "with" him a lot longer than most people would.

Your looking for answers from a man that isn't willing to think of your needs or love for him.

You certainly don't have to sit around waiting for him to reply and tell you everything ... You can just ends this yourself and move on in life...

Just my opinion..... your wanting a relationship from someone that's either unable to give you one or doesn't want too .

You deserve better, plain and simple .

[lmd63]

Originally Posted by Intuition

I met a guy at a social event. We had a great time and we barely spoke to anybody else. I thought he behaved a bit odd but nothing that would really raise red flags. We ended up at his place and I thought this would be a one-night stand even though I'm not into these kind of things (I'm very good at kidding myself here). He told me he would leave the country within a few weeks and I had no problem with it (told you I was kidding myself).

What I didn't know is that he was drunk that evening to the point of not remembering half of the conversations (including the one-night stand part).
He gave me his phone number and asked me to contact him.
We met again 2 days later. He was way more distant (in hindsight it makes sense because this time he wasn't drunk) so we had our first date. It all went very well and he asked loads of questions about me. He insisted again that he was leaving soon and said "Typical, when I am leaving, I meet a great girl". I told him he wasn't forced to leave but he seemed determined to go home but he wouldn't say why.

We spent a great week. He was perfect, he idealized me and he asked me to move in. He even talked about me to his parents. I was surprised at the speed of it but quite happy. He even started probing very carefully if I would come with him when he moved out of the country.

Then I went on a short business trip and that's when things started to become fishy. His emails became rare and he wrote that he missed me a lot and that it was weird so after 5 days I told him that enough was enough. He quickly answered with loads of excuses. When I came back earlier than planned I found him wasted. He was happy to see me but I was shocked at the state of the flat. He told me he had been faithful and that he told every girl he met that he was with me (how many willing girls do you meet in a park when you're half in a coma?).

He convinced me to go on a one week trip to his country. We stayed at his parent's place. That next week I experienced a new person: tense, irritated, unfair.
I now realize that he cut back on alcohol and that it explains most of his change in attitude. But the change of country played a part too.
But we talked a lot and it seemed ok. He decided that I wasn't evil and that it all was some misunderstanding.

So when did I understand? Actually in the third week he told me that he was an alcoholic and that he wanted to get sober. I thought that he was exaggerating but the relationship became more and more tense and we started fighting for silly reasons. He asked me 3 times to leave his flat but always changed his mind and said that he loved me, was scared of me, that I had to be always right, that I was very smart but that he liked that etc... He even said "you're going to come up with arguments that convince me to go on with the relationship. I hate it when you're right." I think he though I was manipulating, controlling him. So me being right was not a good thing apparently.

The fourth week I finally understood that he was serious. I saw him completely wasted, almost unconscious. The flat was becoming filthy. He expected me to clean it but I was more and more reluctant. Don't they say that an alcoholic must face the consequences of his actions?
The day he had to leave the flat, he was so drunk that I was embarrassed in front of the landlord.
I still hoped for some last nice days together before he went home for rehab but when I showed him how disappointed I was by his drinking he left extremely angry. He said that I was vicious, controlling etc.

I didn't prevent him from leaving. I knew he would get wasted, robbed etc... but I thought it would help him realize that rehab was really urgently needed. I left the country the next day.
After 3 days I sent him an email. He confirmed that he had been drinking, been robbed and that he didn't really remember much. He said that this time he had really touched bottom so I lent him the money to go home for rehab. I know he'll pay me back, he always has.

He was extremely grateful and took the blame for everything that went wrong, which was silly as I'm no saint.
He sent me some nice emails upon his return but when I asked him whether he wanted to end the relationship after our last fight (gratitude is not love), he didn't answer and only talked about the stuff he did during the day. He kept promising he would write properly later.
Given his state, I didn't push the relationship talk. I am not a fool, I know it won't be a piece of cake to support him but since he was willing to go to rehab, I wanted to give it a shot.

We are in 2 different countries now and I was supposed to join him once he started rehab. But his emails become friendly but distant. I haven't heard from him in 3 days. I don't know if I should worry or if he just doesn't care anymore. He must be embarrassed too that I saw him at his worst I imagine.

I know he needs space and time to work through the issues that led to his alcoholism and that our relationship needs to slow down because all went way too fast but I can't stay on standby without even knowing if we still have a relationship, if the feelings are still there on his side. I can slow down and see how it goes but I need to know if he still cares.
He said "I'll see if I miss you". Oh great! Makes me feel all fuzzy inside.
I know that in one month I may call it quits anyway but I can't walk away now if I know so little.

He was never physically abusive and when he went nuts emotionally he was capable of admitting it.

Regardless of alcohol I know he needs to be in charge, he quickly feels judged and disrespected. I can live with that. I don't want to change him. I am not a piece of cake either. He can be in charge if he needs that. I really don't mind.

But now it's hard to know how to act because there's not just the usual relationship stuff. I need to know where I stand but it's really difficult. I wrote an email, telling him that I needed answers. I made it very easy for him to end the relationship. No hard feelings etc... But I'm afraid he will just ignore it even if he answers. He doesn't seem to want me to go but he seems scared of a future with me. So what is it going to be: limbo or dumping through silent treatment?

I am not going to lie. I hurts that he had 2-3 year relationships before and if my relationship lasts only 5 weeks, I'll feel like a failure. Even with alcohol in play, I am the one who feels like a failure.

I tried to do everything right, to be understanding but not to enable. He told me that sometimes he hated me because I was right but that he was grateful for the tough love.
That's great. But I have the feeling that I will do the right thing but be the one alone in the cold, while he gets sober and rides into the sunset with someone else.

Some people tell me to forget him, others that I should demand a clear answer, others that I should wait for him to contact me (I'm over 40, not 25. I don't have my whole life ahead of me to play hide and seek).

I want to be with him IF he loves me enough and if he truly gets sober but how can I know any of this if he withdraws into silence?

I hate this uncertainty .

Hi, My experience in a similar situation, like uncertainty, becomes my best friend, it warns me of dangers ahead of time giving me time to check out avenues before making a decision. And, from your sharing, I suggest you give Al-Anon a call to find where and what time the next meeting is. You may find an answer there!
This is only a suggestion but one worth checking out!

I wish the very best for you.

[Intuition]

Thank you for your suggestion, imd63!

Well, another update: he broke up with me.
He wrote a pretty cold email (yep an e-mail, he's probably scared he can't go through it in live):

He wrote that he had lots of stuff going on, stress, that the last day of our little vacation was "horrible" (the fight he started because he was upset about some bad prof. news. He still has no job, or even benefits until he has a job).
He said he didn't need that stress and that he's "not really in any position to be in a relationship right now". He said he wanted to get through rehab by himself.
Ending with "We can stay in touch but I don't want more, sorry".

I want to answer but it's been 4 days and I have no clue what to answer.

Does he really want this break-up? (he tried to break-up several times in person and over skype previously because of "bas timing" and "fighting" but he back-tracked every time)

Do I want it?

I know that we can't go on the way we are now. That's the only thing I'm sure about.

If he doesn't really want the break-up (big IF), going much slower, with more space (separate flats) and letting him go through rehab without interfering, would be best.

What should I do? Answer the email? Say what?
When should I answer it?

He's still in my facebook contacts. Nobody is contacting the other one.
He goes on facebook several times a day and has added all his childhood friends.
I go on posting on my wall as usual. He must be wondering whether I got his break-up email.
He's still using as profile pic, a pic I took of him.

I don't want to sound desperate, I'm pretty exhausted myself but if there's a chance, I'd like to try the new approach.

I told him 3 weeks ago very clearly that friendship was out of the question! Why does he write now "we can stay in touch"? To keep me around just in case? Does he think I'm desperate and is trying to be nice? or is he unsure?

Originally Posted by Intuition

I don't want to sound desperate, I'm pretty exhausted myself but if there's a chance, I'd like to try the new approach.

I told him 3 weeks ago very clearly that friendship was out of the question! Why does he write now "we can stay in touch"? To keep me around just in case? Does he think I'm desperate and is trying to be nice? or is he unsure?

He sounds like he's trying to straighten his life out (not very maturely but, there you are) and if you keep trying to 'stay in touch' you ARE going to appear desperate. My advise is give him space....COMPLETE SPACE...no waving, no calling, no electronic contact at all. If he means to break up (and honestly, I think he does) then it's for the best that you don't complicate his struggle or your own by implication of begging i.e. being available to 'keep in touch'.

Remember....you JUST WANTED TO KNOW if he wanted to break up. Even if it was done weakly in an email, its still breaking up. There's your answer.

Accept it, and go find yourself. I hope this wasn't too harsh....I understand your pain, but eventually you have to say, enough is enough.

[Intuition]

Well he's the one suggesting to stay in touch, not me.
I told him I won't be friends. He wants it all.
I do think he wants to break-up now but I wonder if i's a final decision.

I haven't contacted him. I never call him anyway. I think I should answer his break-up email but I have no intention of getting emotional and I won't try to get him back.
After that I'm done.

Go find myself is of course always a good advice.
I don't mind people to be harsh, no worries.

[FaithlessCat]

These things are never black and white, and in my opinion when two people are meant to be together things work out.

When I met my Now husband he was drinking 24/7, he was going through a divorce, in the process of losing his job because he didnt bother showing up.

He was a complete mess. But I saw something in him, a spark of who he was and I set about helping and supporting him.It wasn't easy, I moved in with him after only 4 weeks, I would leave for work at 10am and phone him at 10:30 - no answer. He was having to sell his house as part of the divorce settlement and I could come home and find him gone and the estate agent waiting on the doorstep with potential buyers. I would have to phone round the pubs looking for him, and on one occasion when we were out together he got so drunk he started to strip in the pub. I just got his keys from his pocket and went home.

we were pregnant after 12 weeks together and my god it changed his life around. He got a new job, we moved and things have steadily gotten better over the years.

when our son was 8 he was Diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and it slowly dawned on us that Hubby had it too. Suddenly it explained everything in his past, especially the drinking. Some Aspies find it a lot easier to be sociable when they have a drink and this is where the problem starts.

I totally understand why his first wife left, she just didnt have the strength to cope with him, and believe me some days I totally feel that ! ( lol )

so I guess the question is ... do you see the real him anywhere and if so do you want to help him get through ? if you can't or don't want to ( and there is nothing wrong with that ) then you need to do both of yourselves a favour a move on. You deserve happiness and he has to find his own way to his.

I wish you the very best with whatever you decide

Originally Posted by Intuition

I do think he wants to break-up now but I wonder if i's a final decision.

From what I read, and what you said...I'd say...yes, it is.

Give him time. If he contacts you with another opinion, so be it. But you can't keep second guessing him or his statements. That's not fair to either of you. Be well

[Intuition]

Ok, it's just that he changes his mind so often. Once he started a skype conversation saying "there was no us" and 10 minutes later enthusiastically making plans (that was 1 week ago).
The break-up letter was written when he had stress with his dad, no job, no date to start rehab and he was angry because of our fight so I wonder.

He clearly wants to stay in touch but I can't just wait around.

So you think I shouldn't send anything and wait for him to contact me?
He's very stubborn. And I don't believe in the NC rule. Not when someone is angry at you and may brood.

Besides he may think that I don't give a rat's *** if I wait too long.

So to end second guessing I'll send that email. Be it only to see what on earth he means to stay in touch with someone who doesn't want to be friends.

I honestly think you're only prolonging the hurt for you particularly. I hope I'm wrong.

Best wishes ((((Intuition))))

[Intuition]

No, I'm shortening it if I write. Because his answer will make the chips fall in one direction or another.
Either it's a brutal: that's it. I meant it. Then ok, I'll remove him from Facebook, throw away his stuff and don't waste my time on a guy who doesn't give a damn.
Or a: i'm not sure yet etc... and it doesn't sound like an excuse then fine, I'll give him space.

If I don't write, I'll just speculate and prolong it.