[Mitch_80]

Hi there,

My wife cheated on me. We are not married, together for 5 years and a 2 year old boy.

Let me do a copy/paste and I'm sure you'll get the point immediately :

Why did my wife cheat on me :

• to fulfill an unmet need for emotional intimacy or a desire close emotional bond
• dissatisfaction with her mate
• dissatisfaction with her relationship
• a desire for male attention
• reaffirmation of her desirability as a woman
• to re-capture the feelings of romance or passion
• a desire to feel “special”
• boredom or loneliness
• feelings of neglect or being taken for granted

Now, since it's my fault, what the heck should I do ? I mean clearly that opened my eyes and I don't know whether I admire this guy for giving her what I couldn't but on the other hand... I hate him. I am extremely jealous.

And she told me 'of course I did cheat on you, what did you think ?'.

OK I've been a ****, OK I understand... but do I deserve it ? How can I get over it ? Why didn't she leave me before doing this ? Should I just accept and do whatever it takes to get he back ? Because yes, I do love her. But how can I do that when I think about what happened (in our bedroom of course) ? 3 times in one night ? That she fell asleep in his arms without thinking about me for one second ? How can I get over it when she says 'I regret what you made me do, I've shown you all the signs, but I don't regret what I've done'.
That doesn't change the fact that I feel like ****... should I say 'OK you're right, I understand, thank you for opening my eyes and I'll be the good guy who treats you the way you deserve now'. Is this what one should do ?

Please help me figure this out... what would you do ?

Thank you all,

Mitch

[Lonely_90]

No one EVER deserves to be cheated on. It should not be accepted, and you should not blame yourself and say " OK I UNDERSTAND" and you should NEVER thank her for doing this, it is damaging, and allthough you might have done wrong and not give her the attention she feels she deserves, the fact that she slept with another man, in your home, is just way out of line.

you both need to get into couceling and figure out what is going on here. you did not make her do it, she chose to lay in another mans arms.

I absolutely agree. No one deserves that Mitch...its emotional garbage she's dumpiing on you. And you're right to question why she didn't leave you before doing this, not to mention seeming to brag that she had done it (offering details) which could only be hurtful.

If it were me, I'm sorry, I'd kick her to the curb...NOW. But if you do want to save the tatters of what she's left of your marriage, both of you need to go into counselling ...immediately.

I hope things work out the way you deserve and need....just remember, that may not be the same as what you want.

[SirGoliath]

Hi Mitch.
I know exactly what you are going thru b/c my partner txted me pics of him & another woman in bed after we got into an argument & I broke up with him briefy.

You are not responsible for her cheating. She has to take accountability for her own actions. IDK what happened in your marriage but I always believe it is best to leave a situation before starting another. She was wrong for rubbing it in your face & wants you to feel bad about it. Try not to get angry & if you catch yourself doing so, walk away & do something you enjoy. Tit for tat is the wrong thing to do & will further damage your relationship, mental health & spirit. If she is truly apologetic and sorry, try counseling & working on your problems.

Please let us know what happened.

I didn't read your list. No matter how many things you list as rationalizations for why it ws your fault, no one is to blame for cheating ever, except the cheater. period. NEVER. Being married and/or in an exclusive relationship means you're commited and will be faithful. In fact with marriage the vows include in sickness, health and til death. AND for better or worse. That is not just outside of yourselves but about you too, in other words, even if she/he doesn't always amount to the perfect spouse or SO, you are commited to the relationship first.

She made a choice to be an adulteress. Your faults are her scapegoat, that's all it is. Never give into that idea period.

[Truth in Ruin]

Mitch... dude... After reading that, I would totally bail.

[violinm9]

Help - I'm enmeshed with my husband's emotional problems. He has obsessive thoughts and can't be comfortable unless I do something that I feel is immoral. I had an affair ten years ago and ever since, he has felt inadequate in all ways (especially sexually). He wants me to keep seeing the other man and having a physical relationship with him because he would feel that all of my needs were being met and he won't have to lose me. This, in my opinion, is sick thinking. I am, however, constrained to do it since he gets all anxious and depressed if I don't. I told him to see a therapist and that we should enter marriage counseling, but he refuses. I am constantly reminded of my blunder by this behavior of his. I'm Catholic and I don't think the church condones adultery. My husband says that I am different and that I get a pass. He attributes a large sexual appetite to me which I deny. It's what he wants to believe. He is in a dream world. I can't escape him. I don't want to divorce because in all other ways he is a good person and we get along well. I do love him. I am trapped and often develop suicidal thoughts as a result. Sometimes I just don't want to live. There is no exit, as Jean-Paul Sartre once said. What is the answer?

Thank you for any thoughts on this.

[ucbearcat18]

Mitch,

It is never your fault. I have been cheated on twice now, am going through a terrible relationship discussion about why he wont have sex with me, and am still with him. I understand where you are coming from and I do not think that, even though her needs weren't met, that it was fair for her to cheat. Do she ever try to discuss with you as to why she felt that her needs weren't being met? I am curious to know more.

UCBearcat18

Originally Posted by Lonely_90

No one EVER deserves to be cheated on. It should not be accepted, and you should not blame yourself and say " OK I UNDERSTAND" and you should NEVER thank her for doing this, it is damaging, and allthough you might have done wrong and not give her the attention she feels she deserves, the fact that she slept with another man, in your home, is just way out of line.

you both need to get into couceling and figure out what is going on here. you did not make her do it, she chose to lay in another mans arms.

O
I agree with this.
OP cheating should never be an acceptable way to handle problems in a relationship. She could have left, told you of her dissatisfaction.
Counseling is certainly an option if you feel the relationship is worth saving and so does she, but remember her choices aren't your fault.

[kimmiemom]

Hi Mitch,
Let me just say how sorry I am she did this to you. Let me also say that this IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Look, I cheated on my bf for 8 months. I'm not proud of it, but I want you to understand that all those reasons you listed are HER problems, not yours. I can vouch for some of them, but dammit, I have a mouth. If I was so dissatisfied I should've opened my mouth. I won't get into my issues as to why I didn't open my mouth and why I didn't work harder at the relationship, but the bottom line is, those were/are MY issues, not his.
I now know, through a lot of therapy, what's going on and what I need to do and I'm all in for making it right. Do I need help from him to do this? Yes, I do. But I also know in order to move forward I need to kiss his *** and thank the good Lord for giving me another chance. If your wife is not willing to kiss your ***, get some therapy and work on making this right, then she is not the person for you. I know that's not what you want to hear, but do you really want to spend your life with someone who won't respect you?
I don't know where my bf and I are headed, but I do know that if we can't have mutual respect for each other, it won't work and we both deserve better than that. Good luck to you my friend, just remember, no matter what happens, you will be okay

[timj]

I feel for Mitch and can understand his situation. A similar thing just happened to me, just with wife doing cyber and phone sex, just not in my bed with another man, in our bed with an ipad mini or on our main computer with Skype. Sometimes you can be such a s..t of a husband that you drive your spouse away. I feel for you Mitch but you have to change and she has to change if you are going to stay together.

Make every effort to reconnect and just talk to her. She has to end it (or was this just a 1 night stand?) and be truly remorseful about the affair and you have to make every effort to be a husband.

If there is no remorse and she doesn't care about what she did, you need to end it.

[oldlife_disrupted]

Mitch, I recall going through a phase where I kept apologizing to my wife as she kept preparing to leave and partying with her friends on weekends to "make herself feel better". I think you're going through he same thing.

Let's say you were indeed the horrible husband you think you are. There's a pile of options for her to take...she chose cheating and sexually humiliating you. That's one of the worst choices, would have been more respectful just to leave.

Take heart, you aren't a horrible person and you deserved none of this.

[Petra5ed]

You didn't deserve it. I've suffered years in a completely sexless relationship, arguably my best years too. At the end of 3 year dry spell I had plans to cheat and a willing participant, but I couldn't follow through because I felt like the guilt would be overwhelming. When I realized I couldn't cheat, I immediately told him it was over and I was leaving and why. I was suicidal and depressed, I figured I'd cheat and get to feel what it was like to be wanted for a few nights then kill myself.

Actually just thinking about it now infuriates me, how he could treat me like this for years as I pleaded for any attention. It would be one thing if we fought, but no, he would always say "I'll try, we'll do it tonight, I love you, things will change." Wow, what a lying a-hole, he never did try at all. When I threatened to leave, and it finally was an issue that affected him (i.e. my income would be gone), he decided he would actually try to make a small effort. And progress has been made, but at the slowest possible pace as we now sleep together once every 1-2 weeks but at the same time, in the same place, his eyes closed so tight you'd think I was there to murder him, stopping when I orgasm. He's irritated and too busy whenever I try to talk to him so we never talk either. Otherwise he's great, which has become a bad thing since that's made it infinitely worse.

So no, you didn't deserve it, since I felt too guilty to cheat. But if you want to get over it, I suggest putting yourself in her shoes. Think about what it feels like to be rejected by your own spouse repeatedly for years, and what message that sends despite what you say. Yeah, you've been punishing her, and I'm sure it's been painful and enraging, now it's your turn to feel it. The person that supposedly loves me the most has taken my sexual identity, **** all over it, and left me with masturbation as my only means of filling a need that is inherently human. I feel like it's an abomination to let this body go to waste, but the correct way to do it is via honesty, separation and divorce, not cheating. Still hope I get hit head on as I drive to work tomorrow.

What steps has she taken through out the relationship to be communicative? to set boundaries? To be clear about her needs and wants and what she feels she is missing?

EVEN if she did all that and received an absolute brick wall at every turn- still not "OK" for her to cheat.

If you aren't getting what you want out of a relationship, you work on it. You don't want to work on it, you should still respect the other person and the time you spent together and be honest- inform them you need to move on, if that is the case.

Being willfully careless with another person's trust and then blaming them for it?

Yeah, I would seriously reconsider if you can EVER get what YOU need from this relationship, OP.

[oldlife_disrupted]

Originally Posted by JosieTheGirl

What steps has she taken through out the relationship to be communicative? to set boundaries? To be clear about her needs and wants and what she feels she is missing?

EVEN if she did all that and received an absolute brick wall at every turn- still not "OK" for her to cheat.

If you aren't getting what you want out of a relationship, you work on it. You don't want to work on it, you should still respect the other person and the time you spent together and be honest- inform them you need to move on, if that is the case.

[Angel of Bedlam]

No matter what her reasoning, cheating is wrong and it is not your fault- it was HER choice. I can only imagine the pain you're feeling and I am so sorry you're having to endure this. In my opinion, if she can't and won't accept the blame for her actions. Projecting this on you borderlines cruelty in my opinion, and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds like you love her, but I think you deserve better.

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