[always_pushing]

Hey everyone, I haven't been on this site in years.

Found myself here again after going through a few weeks of agony.

I am newly engaged. This is my 4th engagement. I was married once, for a year,barely made it down the aisle. Engaged a few years later to one man, engaged again a few years after that to another man. Was then in a 2 yr long relationship w/ a man, had a child with him and was then single for about 2 1/2 years.
I have been w/ my new "fiance" since the summer.
He is a wonderful man, as have been my other 3 serious relationships. He has a job, loves my child, loves me, he's stable, etc. But here I am again doing everything in my power to sabotage the relationship. The cycle continues.
I want it different this time. I am actively seeking help NOW. I refuse to allow the same thing to happen again.
I am 36, he is 37. Funny thing ( to some of you, perhaps) is that I am an LPC. Ahhhh aren't we always the most screwed up of everyone. Laughable, really.

I have major mother issues. I haven't spoken to my mother in almost 3 years (my son is 3) - I refused to allow her back into my life. She is toxic and has hurt me, minimized me, been jealous of me, tried to control me my entire life. The one thing I've done right (thus far) is to cut her off. ALl of her ******** Emotional abuse, controlling, narcissistic- you know the usual messed up stuff that some of us deal w/ regarding our mothers.

anyhow, so hear I am.. crying, full of fear, begging GOD to just allow me to allow myself to not give up on this one, to actually see it thru, Begging that I find the courage to believe enough in myself.

can anyone shed some light? I am open to all opinions.

thanks in advance...

[always_pushing]

Any book recommendations? I am reading one about abandonment. I have also wondered about fear of entrapment? any one care to share??

1st one that comes to mind is "I hate you, don't leave me".

I suspect you may have BPD (tendency to rush into love and yet push everyone away).....

[always_pushing]

It's possible.. I think I also like to try and prove that I am not worthy of love, and by having a relationship and then pushing someone away I prove to myself that I am not lovable.
Cycle.

[always_pushing]

In regards to BPD the things I DO NOT struggle w/ are:
self harm, suicidal thoughts/tendencies; only minor impulsivity.. no excessive spending, drugs or sex; I don't have any crazy, intense anger no fights, no outbursts, no getting physical; no serious levels of paranoia

The things I do have in regards to BPD:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness

so I am kind of on the fence.. I definitely have some of the traits, but I also don't have some.. ugh.

I am going to see my Dr on the 10th. I have not been on meds for approx 6 mo.. I have xanax .5 that I can take PRN, but being in the profession and knowing how addicting benzos can be for some, I try to use only when absolutely necessary. (that's just me)

[vans1974]

Originally Posted by always_pushing

Any book recommendations? I am reading one about abandonment. I have also wondered about fear of entrapment? any one care to share??

I love the book, "The Power of Now", especially for anxiety and fear!

** being blunt is one of my many faults.... so be warned.

AP - you are NOT "on the fence". You got BPD. You do not have to have every tendancy. But the frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment pretty much gets you there already. Add in any of the others that you mentioned....

And I guess I just say WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

[always_pushing]

HAHA.. I am blunt as well.. I am also, as I mentioned an LPC, so I do believe in my heart I am.. I diagnosis people daily. I am not afraid of it, I just look at the criteria. that's all.

[always_pushing]

............

[always_pushing]

Anyhow. I've come to somewhat of a conclusion. I feel that I do have some bpd traits.

No denying that. But in addition to that I also have a lot of PTSD that continues to surface.
If you know anything about PTSD you would so realize with it comes an overwhelming
Amt of abandonment issues

Besides the more I thought about it all the more I realized is that a diagnosis
Is just that. No need to allow it define you.

Just some clarity I've had over the past few days.
It just isn't that black and white.
And that's me being blunt.

Originally Posted by always_pushing

In regards to BPD the things I DO NOT struggle w/ are:
self harm, suicidal thoughts/tendencies; only minor impulsivity.. no excessive spending, drugs or sex; I don't have any crazy, intense anger no fights, no outbursts, no getting physical; no serious levels of paranoia

The things I do have in regards to BPD:
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness

so I am kind of on the fence.. I definitely have some of the traits, but I also don't have some.. ugh.

I am going to see my Dr on the 10th. I have not been on meds for approx 6 mo.. I have xanax .5 that I can take PRN, but being in the profession and knowing how addicting benzos can be for some, I try to use only when absolutely necessary. (that's just me)

to be diagnosed with BPD you only have to have a certain number of the traits, not necessarily all of them. Best way to find out is to find a doctor and get a diagnosis.

As for your relationship with this man, try to get into the mindset that life, relationships and love all have good and bad, ups and downs. And accept it. i say this because from what you say I feel that you might in your mind expect a sort of fantasy world with your loves and it's just not that way, not all of the time. I feel that maybe you give up and quit when it's not fitting into this image in your head.

That will take time though, and likely counseling to change your thinking. And even then it will always be somewhat of a battle for you. Trust me, I fight it on and off still and I'm not doing too badly in general.

[always_pushing]

Thank you!

And I am not certain if I mentioned it.. but I am an LPC (licensed professional counselor- a therapist) It's true.. we are usually, not always quite lost as many others.

So I have reviewed the diagnosis.. I diagnosis people daily, it's part of my daily job. I have also been in and out of therapy my entire life, on meds etc.

I say all that to say I think you are right, the last part of what you said is probably quite accurate and I think I forget that we are all human ups and downs and life is not a fantasy..
thank you again, I sincerely appreciate your insight.

[hamster-bamster]

I am sorry but the way your posts are organized (poorly structured with lack of clarity) and the language you use (full of typos, such as "I diagnosis people daily") and the fact that you do not know the symptoms characteristic of BPD by heart but have to "review the diagnosis" are all not consistent with how you represent yourself as a professional - you are saying that you work as a counselor. If indeed you are a counselor, then all of those lapses that your posts in this thread have exhibited signal that you have completely lost your bearings and indeed are in need of urgent HELP - from a psychiatrist, most likely. You also have memory problems - you introduced yourself as an LPC and then started wondering if you did. Report all of those lapses to the psychiatrist or therapist or both, please.

[always_pushing]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I am sorry but the way your posts are organized (poorly structured with lack of clarity) and the language you use (full of typos, such as "I diagnosis people daily") and the fact that you do not know the symptoms characteristic of BPD by heart but have to "review the diagnosis" are all not consistent with how you represent yourself as a professional - you are saying that you work as a counselor. If indeed you are a counselor, then all of those lapses that your posts in this thread have exhibited signal that you have completely lost your bearings and indeed are in need of urgent HELP - from a psychiatrist, most likely. You also have memory problems - you introduced yourself as an LPC and then started wondering if you did. Report all of those lapses to the psychiatrist or therapist or both, please.

whoa .. wow. okay. sorry, I didnt realize I was here to have my organization and professionalism critiqued by a stranger.
a) i have a small child who is crawling all over me most of the time
b) these posts aren't back to back every day,there is some span of time in between them. so I am not about to apologize for not remembering what I said previously, NOR am I going to go back read my previous posts.

anyhow, clearly you are a very judgmental person who has no business talking to people that are struggling.

[hamster-bamster]

I did not ask you to apologize for memory lapses. This is not a site on which you have an obligation to check what you have said earlier. Rather, I suggested that the memory lapses and general lack of coherence be reported to your treatment team as symptoms.

[always_pushing]

I realize that you didnt ASK me to apologize. your post just came across insensitive and rude. I am in a bad place right now. Perhaps I misinterpreted what you said.

I don't know.
Besides, just b/c I forgot if I mentioned something in a previous post doesn't mean I am having memory lapses. In addition, poorly structured sentences and grammar and not knowing the criteria verbatim right here, right now do NOT mean I need urgent help.

Perhaps you need to think about what you say before you respond to people that are just venting and expressing their needs in a very quick moment in time. Sheesh.