realtionship has hit rock bottom !!

Hi,
Mine has been a inter-religion marriage.There have been incidents with my family and hers which have left a very bad taste.My realtionship has soured with my wife over these issues.Things like " why did you mum insult me and my folks?". Abuse and swear words follow and I guess its just normal for me not to hear abuse and disrespect towards my parents.I have asked her many a times to forget the past and live fresh but she is adamant.She tries to get these issues up every now and then and forces me to speak to her folks which i dont like cos of her attitude towards my parents.Words like " you are not a good husband a good son -in-law " have hurt me tremendously. Things get worse when she constantly threatens me of suicide and which throws me into an emotional spin.She would harm herself and throw things around and I most of the time have to apply brute force to stop her from harming herself.She threatens divorce etc. Dont get me wrong she always says she loves me and all that but after seeing all this i feel something is not right.I am feeling emotionally drained and have given up feeling happy ever in my life.A pshyciatrist friend of mine was shocked to hear all this as no one has picked this behaviour of hers at work.he has a strong opinion that she is suffering from a personality disorder.She is a doctor and that makes it worse for me, she used to be a surgeon and now a pshyciatrist herself.I am scared even to talk to her regarding this as she justifies her actions and puts the blame on me for not being supportive enough and yet again the entire cycle goes on!! If you ask me do i still want to be with her?? I would say yes cos I strongly feel that she has a problem and i can't leave her on her own but in doing so I have lost myself. Please do advice !!

(rajeev) First Welcome!
Now, I don't knwo what to say, there is so much you can do when dealing wiht somebody in denial.
I'm married and I have been thru some rough patches myself, but I don't feel confortable sometimes telling what to do or not.
The only thing I can offer you is my PM's, so if you need to talk to somebody, please PM me anytime.
hang in there~

I can identify somewhat with your situation, although, I suppose, mine was not nearly as serious as a marriage of mixed religion. My ex inlaws were dogmatic in thier faith and never accepted me, though I too was of the same faith, just a different denomination. For 10 years or more, I tried desperately to fit in with them. My husband turned a bllind eye and ear to their insults, never making me feel part of the family, but instead defending them. After many years of insults in the 20 year marriage, I finally just quit going to visit them! I divorced him after our daughter left for college, and should have done it much sooner, but was too intimidated.
Your wife is a highly educated and intelligent woman. When two people marry, they are supposed to leave their parents and focus on their union as most important. That means building comfort and trust, even if it means (in my humble opinion), offending the inlaws!
Patty

Hello Rajeev, welcome!
This is a very tricky issue and concerns me alot that your wife is threatening suicide. You said she harms herself and you have to use brut force to stop her. Has she ever hurt you? It seems she is using the fact that she is a physciatrist to her advantage to where you will never win the fight. This is only my opinion. I tend to agree with your friend that it's possible she does have a personality disorder. Unless you seek help for her, I see no way of resolving any of the issues. You will continue to be drained. Do you really want to live the rest of your life never to be happy again? This is a question you need to ask yourself and if the answer is no, then you need to find professional counseling for the both of you. I am not a doctor or anything close to it. These are only suggestions. I am just a simple person that feels compassion to your's and your wife's problems. I wish you the best and hopefully, someone that will have better answers for you will respond to your post.

Take Care,
Linda

Thank you biplol (name??) ,Patty and Linda !!!

I will definelty write when i feel i shoud share soemthing . I wanted to see what people think and how do they rectify the situation.Linda, she has never tried to harm me though once over the phone she said that if i had been close to her she wud have killed me.Later i confronted her with this when things calmed down and guess what happens ? she says " u have hurt me now , do u ever think i would harm the man i love so deeply". It was check mate for me again.My work has suffered due to this a lot , ppl called me a good engineer but offlate i have changed jobs 2 times now.She being a pshy herself is in denial as she thinks its all a reaction and not a problem.She doesnt think there is a problem , i offered to take marriage counselling many a times but she thinks i am the problem not her. So where does this start?? The moment her parents issue comes up !! They are old and so are mine. I would say one thing though, her parents constantly ask her for money cos they dont have anything but debts and does her brother and his family who are completely dependent on her. the way they ask causes concern to me cos it mostly done via blackmail. " you( my wife) is like a son to us, without u we wudnt have lived , we wud have starved, we feel ashamed but we have no where else to go. please ask your husband( me) to forgive " .does this happen once ?? no every month . i dont say a word and i have made it really clear to her and her family that I really dont mind anything. I guess she is stressed. She reminds me of our marriage vows always like looking after her etc.She asks me atleast 2 times a day ,either over the phone or when at home - If i love her?, if I would leave her? if I would cheat on her?.She makes it a point to barge into a conversation when i speak to any girl.My fault - I speak well and it comes across as if i flirt but I am not doing it.She knows very well that I have a very strong educational background and I could leave if i wish to.Infact just to be close to her I have taken up a job where she works. We see any movie and those trick questions keep coming. I just feel vexed. Dont get me wrong I am not doing a wife bashing here but I am speaking some things that I never have told anyone. Internet gives me an option of expressing myself clearly.I have been advised by my frnd( her collegaue a felow doctor) that i shud be firm when she acts mad, infact he has told me a few times very cleary to go for separation.he advised me to speak to her family regarding this but how do i trust them?? They wont say a word to her cos she is a goose that lays golden eggs for them.As you said Linda either i accept never to be happy or be pro-active !! I hope i do it someday without succumbing to the emotional blackmail of suicide.

Thanks all of you once again. I will keep you posted and wud try to discuss things with all you people who care !!

rajeev,
Hi and Welcome to PC...I'm sorry to hear your sadness and even resignation... you are not necessarily doomed to this fate forever....

They say doctors make the worst patients.. I imagine this to be true of mental health professionals as well.And you know.. it is hard to take inventory of our own faults and problems and hang ups... so she is not going to be looking to herself as being part of the problem.

I wonder what advice she would offer to one of her patients who was acting the way she is.

She sounds insecure and afraid....and maybe even a little angry. maybe resentful... perhaps at her own family but she doesn't want to say so.... I would be resentful if my family mooched off of me and still disrespected me by disrespecting my husband...

I don't have answers.. I am really just talking out loud here to you.. giving you my thoughts.. what I know for sure is that life is short.. we only get one chance to live it and we should be doing all we can fill that life with love, laughter, and happiness.

I don't beleive this is your destiny... to be forever miserable... no God wants that for His people.... it just might be a long hard road to travel until the two of you figure this out.

I wish you the best! Faith