[lightinthesky]

Hello everyone, as you might have heard I am just out of a 4 years relationship. I am still very young but when I met my boyfriend I was very, very young. I was only 17, I realized that I don't even remember myself being a single person, my life always included my other half in it and it was always the same 1 man. I noticed that I act weird around other men, it is like they don't exist for me, it is like something switches in my had and even my eyes look away. I wonder if anyone else went through this or maybe it is because I only had 1 serious relationship in my life? I always felt bad when someone was flirting with me and I never flirted back because my bf wouldn't like it. I am scared that he changed something inside me that might ruin my future chance for happiness, or maybe I just don't know how to be single? what is wrong with me?

[curley]

Hi Light: Sometimes it is difficult to get out and mingle and get to know other men after a long relationship. I dont think your ex did anything to change you I think you need to forget what was and move on. Just be yourself and relax. I would not push meeting someone it will happen and it will feel right to you. But dont be afraid to talk to men.....they are potential friends if nothing else.

[elevatedsoul]

i think i feel the same way.. 4 years... years later still no change, or maybe its just getting worse :/
i was 17 when i met her too

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by curley

Hi Light: Sometimes it is difficult to get out and mingle and get to know other men after a long relationship. I dont think your ex did anything to change you I think you need to forget what was and move on. Just be yourself and relax. I would not push meeting someone it will happen and it will feel right to you. But dont be afraid to talk to men.....they are potential friends if nothing else.

It doesn't feel right. Feels like cheating, feels like I cant.
It's not that I'm looking for something but I'm afraid if it won't change, that I'm closed for them all.

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[healingme4me]

Was your exbf, overbearing? I ask, since you mention the inability of looking into the eyes of men. It can be symptomatic of an abusive relationship, or something else, from within.

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[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Was your exbf, overbearing? I ask, since you mention the inability of looking into the eyes of men. It can be symptomatic of an abusive relationship, or something else, from within.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I cheated on him once and since then I did my best to avoid men, I wasn't flirting or going out, I was feeling very guilty and because it was hard for him to forgive i didn't want to give any reason for him to be worried..
he could check my phone sometimes and do things like that, he was saying because i did it once it can always happen again, no matter how many times i told him that it was a mistake and i love him, was easier for me to avoid social life for our happiness together.

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Hello everyone, as you might have heard I am just out of a 4 years relationship. I am still very young but when I met my boyfriend I was very, very young. I was only 17, I realized that I don't even remember myself being a single person, my life always included my other half in it and it was always the same 1 man. I noticed that I act weird around other men, it is like they don't exist for me, it is like something switches in my had and even my eyes look away. I wonder if anyone else went through this or maybe it is because I only had 1 serious relationship in my life? I always felt bad when someone was flirting with me and I never flirted back because my bf wouldn't like it. I am scared that he changed something inside me that might ruin my future chance for happiness, or maybe I just don't know how to be single? what is wrong with me?

Nothing wrong with you at all. You're normal and are still new to being single as an adult. Being in a long relationship like that you've built up habits that acommodated your bf at the time and it's not like you can just turn on/off a switch that makes you feel single. As much as people hate to hear it, it takes time to accept being single and act accordingly. I am a father of 3, with two at home, and been married 2x, which amounts to about 20 yrs of my life being in relationships. Prior to that I was always living at home or in a relationship for most of my teen to adult life. I have been out of my last marriage about 2 yrs now and it only started to get better after about a year and a half. I'm still not completely used to it but a helluva lot more independent than I used to be! To emphasize this, my apartment in about 5 days is the FIRST ever, I have gotten on my own and will be living in with just me and the boys. So I understand.

It feels good once you start to find your own way, trust me, and take heart, it WILL happen. Take care of you and let it happen on as things change for you.

On top of that, give yourself time and don't worry about men right now. Don't avoid them but don't worry about how you act around them, just be yourself and enjoy life for awhile.

Hope this helps,
S4

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Was your exbf, overbearing? I ask, since you mention the inability of looking into the eyes of men. It can be symptomatic of an abusive relationship, or something else, from within.

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I agree that it can be. but I must add that I have a hard time doing so with women and always have. On the flipside I WAS in a relationship where she was suspicious of any contact with women and I was deemed a potential cheater even as I'd never cheated on anyone in my life. I can understand how that would affect someone's interactions with the opposite sex. Not minimizing your response just thinking there's could be more to it than that.

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

It doesn't feel right. Feels like cheating, feels like I cant.
It's not that I'm looking for something but I'm afraid if it won't change, that I'm closed for them all.

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Don't worry if it's not possible or even tempting right now. IT doesn't need to be and you can be closed to them right now. That's quite acceptable. Try to let go of the idea you're cheating though, there is no one there to be loyal and faithful to but yourself anymore..

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I agree that it can be. but I must add that I have a hard time doing so with women and always have. On the flipside I WAS in a relationship where she was suspicious of any contact with women and I was deemed a potential cheater even as I'd never cheated on anyone in my life. I can understand how that would affect someone's interactions with the opposite sex. Not minimizing your response just thinking there's could be more to it than that.

Maybe I just don't see any point anymore, no matter how much I'm fighting for my happiness every day convincing myself "I can do it, I can do it" I still love "him, (only God know who is he now)", so maybe it is all because of this.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I agree that it can be. but I must add that I have a hard time doing so with women and always have. On the flipside I WAS in a relationship where she was suspicious of any contact with women and I was deemed a potential cheater even as I'd never cheated on anyone in my life. I can understand how that would affect someone's interactions with the opposite sex. Not minimizing your response just thinking there's could be more to it than that.

The OP did mention, how she'd cheated and then he was checking her phones, and so to look left her worrying about giving any sign of doing it, again. I agree, there can be other reasons, but from my experience, in life and in other online communities, the avoiding eye contact, can come from be badgered relentlessly by a jealous partner. I've spoken, to several ppl, through the years, where it was an 'aha' moment to realize we'd all been doing this, to avoid a suspicious rager.

Granted, it can be from low self esteem and a variety of other reasons. But, certainly, worth asking, when I've seen this looking down at the ground to avoid eye contact behavioral description, time and again through the years.

And certainly, not being argumentative here, with you, certainly far from that, it's just I have felt passionate about lending a supportive shoulder to others who have travelled similar paths.

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Maybe I just don't see any point anymore, no matter how much I'm fighting for my happiness every day convincing myself "I can do it, I can do it" I still love "him, (only God know who is he now)", so maybe it is all because of this.

And it's part of the process, and also understandable. Again it will take time.. feeling this way is pretty normal although it is uncomfortable and no fun.. You'll get past this, hang in there!

Originally Posted by healingme4me

The OP did mention, how she'd cheated and then he was checking her phones, and so to look left her worrying about giving any sign of doing it, again. I agree, there can be other reasons, but from my experience, in life and in other online communities, the avoiding eye contact, can come from be badgered relentlessly by a jealous partner. I've spoken, to several ppl, through the years, where it was an 'aha' moment to realize we'd all been doing this, to avoid a suspicious rager.

Granted, it can be from low self esteem and a variety of other reasons. But, certainly, worth asking, when I've seen this looking down at the ground to avoid eye contact behavioral description, time and again through the years.

And certainly, not being argumentative here, with you, certainly far from that, it's just I have felt passionate about lending a supportive shoulder to others who have travelled similar paths.

I can understand your perspective. Don't mind me, I tend to be a "mediating" type that kind of offers alterntive perspectives to things people pose in forums adn elsewhere. it's just my nature and never take it as if I am saying you are wrong or way off.. If I thought so, if you know my way.. I would say so

He certainly may have been an overbearing person and controlling, maybe even abusive. There is plenty of that crap going on. Even my ex, I would say could be deemed as abusive but I just refuse to accept that I was a victim and won't let it happen again

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

I cheated on him once and since then I did my best to avoid men, I wasn't flirting or going out, I was feeling very guilty and because it was hard for him to forgive i didn't want to give any reason for him to be worried..
he could check my phone sometimes and do things like that, he was saying because i did it once it can always happen again, no matter how many times i told him that it was a mistake and i love him, was easier for me to avoid social life for our happiness together.

Yeah, and he probably felt justified in doing all of this, because so much of the literature out there about healing from an affair, mentions that the one who was cheated on, suddenly deserves every ounce of privacy given to them all in the name of regaining trust. So, you made a mistake, yes. It was painful to him, of course. Doesn't mean that suddenly the pendulum gets to swing in the complete opposite direction and you become imprisoned, so to speak for your mistakes. All in the name of transparency. Checking in every moment, accounting for every moment, handing over email passwords and phone call records, etc etc. It's not the answer, imo!! If anything, it can make the relationships 100% worse. As I am sure, you are aware, as you are becoming used to being single. How you were treated, post-affair, isn't fair, and the literature out there, appears hogwash, on the surface. Not conducive to a healthy re-beginning.

It will take time, to regain your ability to look a person in the eye! Give it time. Have you been in counseling, post-relationship? ((not that you need to , but hey, every little bit of healing work, can help you along to a better future, imo))

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I can understand your perspective. Don't mind me, I tend to be a "mediating" type that kind of offers alterntive perspectives to things people pose in forums adn elsewhere. it's just my nature and never take it as if I am saying you are wrong or way off.. If I thought so, if you know my way.. I would say so

He certainly may have been an overbearing person and controlling, maybe even abusive. There is plenty of that crap going on. Even my ex, I would say could be deemed as abusive but I just refuse to accept that I was a victim and won't let it happen again

I hear you!! Accepting the victim role, gives them too much power and credit!! If one is to be a survivor, letting go of victimhood, is key!

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Yeah, and he probably felt justified in doing all of this, because so much of the literature out there about healing from an affair, mentions that the one who was cheated on, suddenly deserves every ounce of privacy given to them all in the name of regaining trust. So, you made a mistake, yes. It was painful to him, of course. Doesn't mean that suddenly the pendulum gets to swing in the complete opposite direction and you become imprisoned, so to speak for your mistakes. All in the name of transparency. Checking in every moment, accounting for every moment, handing over email passwords and phone call records, etc etc. It's not the answer, imo!! If anything, it can make the relationships 100% worse. As I am sure, you are aware, as you are becoming used to being single. How you were treated, post-affair, isn't fair, and the literature out there, appears hogwash, on the surface. Not conducive to a healthy re-beginning.

It will take time, to regain your ability to look a person in the eye! Give it time. Have you been in counseling, post-relationship? ((not that you need to , but hey, every little bit of healing work, can help you along to a better future, imo))

Thanks for your reply, exactly what happened, I gave him all my passwords and did everything to avoid any stress for him, anything that could bring the memories back or a chance for him to think I am doing something wrong, maybe that's why I am like that now. I am visiting a counselor but I am not sure she can help me with this, she tried to make me feel angry at him and start appreciate myself more.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Thanks for your reply, exactly what happened, I gave him all my passwords and did everything to avoid any stress for him, anything that could bring the memories back or a chance for him to think I am doing something wrong, maybe that's why I am like that now. I am visiting a counselor but I am not sure she can help me with this, she tried to make me feel angry at him and start appreciate myself more.

I am going to guess, that it contributes to why you are the way you are now. Are you able to get angry with him? There were better compromises to what you ended up placed in a position to do, to soothe his fears(granted, it's the cheating and deceit of cheating that tears down the trust, but there's other ways, to bring back trust, that don't involve enabling him to feed on that fear). For that, I can see why your t wants you to get angry with him. I feel, healing this aspect of your life, which may take a bit of unravelling, will help you immensely, as you move forward. For instance, as him working through his trust, he could have asked that, if you were to contact the other guy, or to have heard from him, you'd promise to tell him. And another thing, could be that he'd be able to discuss any triggering moments, without repercussion, but in an adult manner. And if you'd done any marital counseling, to heal from this, one of the better methods of regaining trust are 'acts of kindness.' Not rehashing it, over and over. Not going to the point of invading all of your privacy. Etc. That could be the anger at him, that your t may want to unleash. Not necessarily the events that led to the affair, but the after affair behaviors.
You are a human being, with rights to be treated as such. That could be where working on the self worth, comes to play?
You could have been in a vulnerable position, that led to such an affair. I'm not sure, but either way...good to know, you are working through this. To bring the best self possible to the next relationship.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I am going to guess, that it contributes to why you are the way you are now. Are you able to get angry with him? There were better compromises to what you ended up placed in a position to do, to soothe his fears(granted, it's the cheating and deceit of cheating that tears down the trust, but there's other ways, to bring back trust, that don't involve enabling him to feed on that fear). For that, I can see why your t wants you to get angry with him. I feel, healing this aspect of your life, which may take a bit of unravelling, will help you immensely, as you move forward. For instance, as him working through his trust, he could have asked that, if you were to contact the other guy, or to have heard from him, you'd promise to tell him. And another thing, could be that he'd be able to discuss any triggering moments, without repercussion, but in an adult manner. And if you'd done any marital counseling, to heal from this, one of the better methods of regaining trust are 'acts of kindness.' Not rehashing it, over and over. Not going to the point of invading all of your privacy. Etc. That could be the anger at him, that your t may want to unleash. Not necessarily the events that led to the affair, but the after affair behaviors.
You are a human being, with rights to be treated as such. That could be where working on the self worth, comes to play?
You could have been in a vulnerable position, that led to such an affair. I'm not sure, but either way...good to know, you are working through this. To bring the best self possible to the next relationship.

She tried really hard to stop making me feel bad and guilty. She would say, aren't you angry at him for the way he left you, aren't you angry that all he could do is a phone call, aren't you angry that he cheated and said it was a "payback", I honestly looked at her and said "I don't think I can, I still love him, maybe he just made mistakes".
I was 18 when I cheated on him and I am not saying it is an excuse, but I had absolutely no experience with men and my family didn't like my bf because of religion of his family, so I had to hide the fact we are dating from everyone, when it happened my bf said that there is no excuse for what I've done, especially my age and that once a cheater is always a cheater. I knew I would do ANYTHING to prove him it is NOT TRUE. I know he handled his forgiveness act it very wrong, but still can't blame him because I hurt him.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

She tried really hard to stop making me feel bad and guilty. She would say, aren't you angry at him for the way he left you, aren't you angry that all he could do is a phone call, aren't you angry that he cheated and said it was a "payback", I honestly looked at her and said "I don't think I can, I still love him, maybe he just made mistakes".
I was 18 when I cheated on him and I am not saying it is an excuse, but I had absolutely no experience with men and my family didn't like my bf because of religion of his family, so I had to hide the fact we are dating from everyone, when it happened my bf said that there is no excuse for what I've done, especially my age and that once a cheater is always a cheater. I knew I would do ANYTHING to prove him it is NOT TRUE. I know he handled his forgiveness act it very wrong, but still can't blame him because I hurt him.

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Payback?! Who is he to get a free pass?! Who is he, to get off without any blame for the breakdown in your relationship? It takes two, not one!! You were 18, how fresh into your relationship with him, were you? And who is he to carry around a grudge?

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Payback?! Who is he to get a free pass?! Who is he, to get off without any blame for the breakdown in your relationship? It takes two, not one!! You were 18, how fresh into your relationship with him, were you? And who is he to carry around a grudge?

Yeah.. Once I found out that at the moment when we just moved in into our new apartment, he was flirting for weeks with some girls from Facebook (she was an often guest at his work), on the valentines day he asked her out but she said she is busy, once I found out it we had a fight and even then he said "you don't know what it feels like when someone betrays you" but because I found out at the start of their game, nothing more happened, few months after he started flirting and chatting to a new girl from work, they went on a few dates, kissed. It was too late when I found out about them, at that second time he told me "i wanted to pay you back and even then I couldn't sleep with someone like you did", I asked him WHY did you have to wait 3 years to pay me back? Why now when our life is only moving forward? How long were you gonna have her on the side? He said it is a mistakes and he was always feeling hurt and wanted me to know how it feels. I asked him once, do what you have to do for once and let's get it over with, hurt me as much as you like so we can live happy.

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[lightinthesky]

Even after all this, when he broke up with me on the phone, he said I shouldn't have came back to you, I know you can do it again.
For him, my age and simply my stupidity was no excuse, I never loved before and he was my first man, I didn't value love and didn't even realize at the start that I love him. I feel sick knowing that after all, after everything we went through and everything he did I am still a bad one in this relationship, 4 years and I am nothing for him, empty place, I think a dog on the streets deserves more respect for him than me.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Yeah.. Once I found out that at the moment when we just moved in into our new apartment, he was flirting for weeks with some girls from Facebook (she was an often guest at his work), on the valentines day he asked her out but she said she is busy, once I found out it we had a fight and even then he said "you don't know what it feels like when someone betrays you" but because I found out at the start of their game, nothing more happened, few months after he started flirting and chatting to a new girl from work, they went on a few dates, kissed. It was too late when I found out about them, at that second time he told me "i wanted to pay you back and even then I couldn't sleep with someone like you did", I asked him WHY did you have to wait 3 years to pay me back? Why now when our life is only moving forward? How long were you gonna have her on the side? He said it is a mistakes and he was always feeling hurt and wanted me to know how it feels. I asked him once, do what you have to do for once and let's get it over with, hurt me as much as you like so we can live happy.

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You are still having a hard time, getting angry with him, over this? How much, of a factor, do you, personally 'blame' your age and see him, as forgivable for being an older man?

Oooohhh, or, I am wondering, since you mention being with a therapist...don't want to bend your mind, too much, nor undo any therapy with what I am about to ask, I'm just a patient helping another patient on this PC board...

In learning to work through your own stuff, learning personal responsibility and how it's not cool to 'blame' others for our stuff...are you taking that perspective on here, with your own ex? I ask, because you've mentioned not wanting to 'blame him' on a couple of occasions. Is your pendulum swinging too far in the other direction, where the things you are trying to control about your own emotions, you aren't dishing out accountability to others for their own poor behaviors?

Love, I get you choose to be loving towards this man. I get love. I get being in love. However, just because we love someone, doesn't mean that we 'never' get angry with them, nor do we not hold them accountable for their actions. To hold someone accountable is to show love!

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

You are still having a hard time, getting angry with him, over this? How much, of a factor, do you, personally 'blame' your age and see him, as forgivable for being an older man?

Oooohhh, or, I am wondering, since you mention being with a therapist...don't want to bend your mind, too much, nor undo any therapy with what I am about to ask, I'm just a patient helping another patient on this PC board...

In learning to work through your own stuff, learning personal responsibility and how it's not cool to 'blame' others for our stuff...are you taking that perspective on here, with your own ex? I ask, because you've mentioned not wanting to 'blame him' on a couple of occasions. Is your pendulum swinging too far in the other direction, where the things you are trying to control about your own emotions, you aren't dishing out accountability to others for their own poor behaviors?

Love, I get you choose to be loving towards this man. I get love. I get being in love. However, just because we love someone, doesn't mean that we 'never' get angry with them, nor do we not hold them accountable for their actions. To hold someone accountable is to show love!

Oh I'm afraid I'm so mentally broken after this relationship, trust me I do my best to fix myself, I'm trying to respect and love myself and not even think about him, at all, not in a good or a bad way, I am distracting myself every single day until my head will stop naturally think of him. Thank you for replying xx

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