[Emily6166]

First off, I would like to tell you that I have a complex personality. I have a strange relationship with my parents. We love each other, and I can easily say I have had a positive childhood experience. However, I try to avoid expressing my feelings to them. For example, If I am sad, I try to conceal it. It is almost like I do not want to show them I have feelings. I am not like this with my friends. Only with my parents, for reasons I will never know. I do not want them to see that I am a sensitive human-being with feelings. I don't know why i'm like this with them.

anyways, two months ago i was at a coffee shop and this guy hit on me. I am 20, and he is 27. However, he thought i was older because of the way i dress/act. I didn't mind the age difference. We live 2 hours away, so we exchanged numbers and we have been texting, speaking on the phone, skyping etc. we speak on the phone/skype for 6 hours per day, while constantly texting on top of that. He is an amazing guy and we have amazing chemistry.

We finally went on our first official date two weeks ago, and we had the most amazing time. I live in NYC, and he lives 3 hours away. He traveled all the way to NYC just to see me for the day. He does not have much money, so he told people that instead of a certain christmas gift, he just wanted money as a present so he can travel to treat me. Him and I have only kissed, by the way. I lied to my parents and said I was meeting up with college friends.

There are some issues that may affect my parents, and can negatively affect me in the future. I am jewish. He is not. However, he wants to convert to judiasm to be with me, which is great. My family is well-off and his is working class. I don't know if he can give me the lifestyle that I am accustomed to now. He's extremely brilliant, but he could not afford to attend college, so he does not have a high paying job. The thing is that I am so in love, so I would not mind downsizing to be with him. I think that now though. I don't know how i will feel in the future...

First of all, why am I so embarrassed to show my parents that I am a human-being with feelings? It is not normal. I want to tell them that I'm in love but I don't want them to see that side of me. I know they'd be happy for me, but I would be giving up the identity I have presented to them for the past 10 years. I'm not worried to tell them his background. I just wan't to get over the first step and I will worry about that later.

I'm not the type who falls for guys easily. I am a 20 year old virgin. I am a junior in college. I do not fall for a guy's ********. I am very careful about the guys i associate with. I have never let a guy go further than kissing me. This guy truly loves me and I love him. At age 20, I'm surrounded by many guys and I don't even take interest in them because I'm now in love. I want to cry because it's an amazing feeling. He is my first love.

Sorry this is long. Thank you for reading my post .

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Emily6166

There are some issues that may affect my parents, and can negatively affect me in the future. I am jewish. He is not. However, he wants to convert to judiasm to be with me, which is great. My family is well-off and his is working class. I don't know if he can give me the lifestyle that I am accustomed to now. He's extremely brilliant, but he could not afford to attend college, so he does not have a high paying job. The thing is that I am so in love, so I would not mind downsizing to be with him. I think that now though. I don't know how i will feel in the future...

I think you both need more time personally. These are a couple of red flags that worry me that I think you both need to really work through.

It's great that he wants to convert to Judaism, but if he does it just to be with you, there's a possibility he will develop resentment in the future. It would be preferable that you could both be together without him having to change something that's usually as fundamental as a religious background.

Second, if you want to keep up your lifestyle, then keep it up. Don't expect him to maintain a more expensive lifestyle for you. You're hesitation about how you would feel about that in future is very concerning.

Overall, I would say you two should spend more time together before making any big changes. Make sure you're both on the same page ya know?


Also, the thing about you not being so open about your feelings with your parents isn't as uncommon as you think. I'm not either. I've always been the emotional rock for my family so I'm not good at talking with my parents about how I feel ... because I usually end up having to deal with how it makes them feel and I resolve nothing.

Best thing is to just tell them about him however you are most comfortable. Then if you need to, start working on the feelings side in little doses and let it grow in time.

Why do you need to tell your parents? Is it any of their business really? Especially since you don't want to tell them…then don't tell them.

I mean, I'm not even sure I'd tell my parents if I got married. It's not like they'd believe me or that'll ever happen, mind you.

NO OFFENSE.....

but you are NOT in love. You are infatuated. Huge difference. I am glad you are having those feelings - they are strong and awesome. But it is NOT love.

Do YOURSELF a favor and read the book "the five love languages" (I forget the name of the guy who wrote it). It will help you tremendously with whomever you settle down with.

Good luck

[Jan1212]

"So I am dating a guy... His name is _. I've been seeing him for 2 weeks... we met at a coffee shop and he does _ ." You don't have to say nothing more.

Maybe you're afraid of their rejection that you are seeing this man? I was not that open with my parents about my emotions either while growing up. Now I am, for some reason

[Emily6166]

he was in between jobs at the time. now he works 8 hours per day making 30 dollars per hour. I realize that is still working class though. he comes from a working class family, but he has a very classy personality. he also writes me the most amazing poems, songs, etc. you would never guess he was working class unless he told you.(this is coming from me btw, a "rich jew").

anyways, all your posts gave me a lot of thought and consideration, so i abruptly broke up with him via text. it was so sudden and i feel really bad now. it was a dumb move. i'm such an idiot and i think i really hurt him. this is the super condensed version of our conversation...

me: i think we should be just friends. i'm sorry but i'm too young for a committed relationship, yet alone a long distance relationship. i'm sorry but i don't think it will work. i'm really sorry and i really like you but our relationship does not make sense. it's not fair to you. you don't have the financial security to spend enough time with me. i can't be with someone i could see only a limited amount. i really did like you though. and you do mean a lot to me. and i hope you find someone great because you deserve it.
i dont mean to be rude but it's just that we come from completely different worlds and i long for my kids to grow up the way i have. ill just end up feeling guilty my whole life if i'm with you. it's easier to be with someone who's similar to me and doesn't have to change his life around in order to be with me

him: ok i guess you made it clear i'm not good enough for you and you don't want to be with me. i don't understand the change of heart and why so sudden. where did this come from?

me: 1) i'm not going to see you often 2) you're stubborn about attending college 3) i don't want to be the breadwinner. i will most likely end up resenting you for these things in the future

him: i'm not stubborn about attending college, i just can't do it right now. and i told you i could see you every weekend if you wanted. but it doesn't matter, you've made up your mind. i knew i wasn't rich enough, successful enough or jewish enough for you but you said not to worry. i knew i wasn't good enough for you.

me: i don't want you to waste your money on me. it makes me feel guilty. i need a guy who i'm convenient for, so i don't have to feel guilty about you spending money on me.

him: that's a horrible reason. if you love me, it will work.

me: it's about money, distance, and age.

him: not everyones life is so fortunate. you don't know anything about the **** i've been through that's held me back in life. the sun can't and doesn't shine on everyone. find a guy who's from money, who's parents paid his way through college. that doesn't guarantee he'll love you like i do. ask yourself what's more important and your decision will be a lot clearer. it would be hard to find another guy who would write you songs or poems or make you bracelets or read to you while you fall asleep

me: i know. that's why i'm conflicted. i don't want to lose touch with you. you're a great person and i enjoy talking to you.

[danvb]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

NO OFFENSE.....

but you are NOT in love. You are infatuated. Huge difference. I am glad you are having those feelings - they are strong and awesome. But it is NOT love.

From what you've said here, it appears that Useless Me may have a point there. It doesn't sound like mature Love to me either. I dunno, but to me it looks more like you are/were infatuated and in Love with the idea of being in Love. Infatuation DOES feel exciting and wonderful! It happens all the time, especially with a "first Love". But, infatuation is not Love. It's what we used to call "puppy Love".

I think you have some living to do before you're ready to settle down with a guy you actually Love.

Anyway, the best of luck to you.

Dan

Originally Posted by danvb

...., it appears that Useless Me may have a point there.......

HEY - don't go wrecking my reputation of being useless.

[danvb]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

HEY - don't go wrecking my reputation of being useless.

Oh... I don't think you're in any danger of THAT happening!

[Jan1212]

I'm sorry I'm wondering what would happen if a you married a rich man and then he went broke or took a traveling business job. You're going to find your own values one day, you may be too young right now. Did your parents know? I could understand the distance and time spent. We all go through infatuation but only time lets us know if we're compatible, however, strong values also matter and is still very important

[unaluna]

Im worried this guy's a con man. I dont like the guilt trip he's running on her in the text break up. "I knew i wasnt good enough for you." Thats kind of bullying. I say run.

[Harley47]

Hankster does bring up a good point...it sounds like something my ex would've done in a heartbeat. Mind you, my ex was a con artist to the nth degree...everything about her was a lie. I'm not saying that's what happened here, but I try to cover all the bases.

What really tips me off is when he says he's "not Jewish enough" to please you...ouch. That's just spiteful, and I think aimed solely to make you feel bad so you'll reconsider. It *might* be, in a best case scenario, him simply responding while being hurt...if the breakup was quite so sudden, then I can understand that. Not the smartest thing to do on his part, as I would've advised he calm down before he respond, but not all of my advice is as easy done as said. But, back to my point, if he is being legitimate with you, then I feel like Webgoji's observation that he might resent his conversion to Judaism later is validated by his text response.

In some advice I could stand to take myself, being in roughly the same spot in life as you are, it is painfully easy to become in love with the idea of being in love. I found myself in that same spot about two years ago. Had a long distance relationship (mainly online) with a girl I fell absolutely head over heels for. This would be the one I mentioned in my opening paragraph...her betrayal was absolutely devastating, and I should've seen it coming all along, as the signs were blatantly obvious. I simply refused to see what was right in front of me because I didn't want to consider that this "first love" of mine was a lie. Again, not to suggest that happened here, but I relate it to you so that you can avoid the same.

lol At last getting to what you originally asked, I think telling your parents shouldn't be that hard of a thing. Here, in this case, I think they may've objected to the age difference...my mother wasn't a fan of my ex and I's 5 year age difference, so assuming your parents are like mine for the sake of argument, 7 might be a little harder to sell. But otherwise, it's not that big of a deal. You're right about it...they're going to be happy for you, and I don't think they're going to flip out or anything. For you, it's just the difficulty for expressing a personal emotion to your parents. I have the same issue...the "I met a girl" talks with my mom are some of the most awkward conversations ever, and mom and I have very, very few awkward territories. I suppose it's a mixed blessing those talks come few and far between.

Sorry to ramble as I did, but I figured I'd address the issue broadly, and maybe help you later down the line.

Hugs, and I hope things work out for the best,
Harley

[avlady]

Yes it sounds like infactuation, and i'm glad you stopped it where you did i think you did the right thing

[Emily6166]

i would never marry for money. Love obviously always comes first. And you're right, I'm probably not truly in love, which is why i broke up with him. However, I would prefer a lifestyle that i'm already accustomed to. I can fall in love with a well-off man too (well-off, not necessarily rich). So, why should I settle for this guy if I do not truly love him yet? If I do end up with this guy, I would not want to miss out on time with my kids, since I would be working hard to support all of us. Why should I make it difficult and put myself in this position? I'd rather break it off before I truly fall in love with him.

I'm not saying that 60k is low income. I'm well aware that it's above the U.S. average. But, I would rather live in the NYC area (near my family and friends), which is super expensive. 60k would not be enough, for lets say, a family of four. I'm the type of person who needs security. It could be just as easy to fall in love with a well-off man, than one from the middle class. Why should I lock myself down with him in an early stage of my life?

Also, this is not the only reason. Since he does not make much money, I would hate for him to waste some of it on me, if I do not truly love him yet. He says he doesn't care and he wants to spend money on the girl he loves, but I just feel guilty. I can't really explain it. Maybe its apart of my depression. I'm not sure. I feel that I'm not worth being spent on, and I'm not worth traveling 3 hours. He says i'm delusional and ridiculous for thinking this way (we have talked about this self-worth thing for 2 months already), but i can't help my thoughts. I'd rather be with a guy who I'm more convenient for, and who doesn't have to bend over backwards to treat me. I would feel less guilty this way. Maybe I feel that I don't deserve to be loved by someone? I'm not sure.

For example, I'd rather a well-off guy take me for an expensive meal than a guy from less money. This way the well-off man is not sacrificing much on me.

he told me today that i do not even give it a chance to become love because he's not rich. for the past 2 months, he has told me that we can work through my depression together.

I believe that he is a good guy and he wants to stay by my side no matter what. It makes me feel super guilty that I do not love him as much as he loves me. he tells me how much he loves me and everything and I believe him.

We have so much chemistry, it's crazy. The day i spent with him in NYC, was one of the best days of my life. But he spent a lot of money on me, and I felt ****** when the day was over, for some reason. He didn't even complain about it, but i still felt guilty.

I have been on many dates with other guys before, but I have not had the same chemistry with them.

A week ago, i went to the bars with my friends and I was not interested in any guy because I was too preoccupied with him. That is when I told him I love him back, because I did not take interest in any guy (even though these guys seemed they may be interested in me). before i met him, i have always flirted with guys.

then a few days after i told him i was not sure if I love him or not because I have never been in love before. He said that it's okay and not to feel bad, and that it may blossom over time.

we confide in each other all the time. We have the most amazing inside jokes etc. I give away certain aspects of my personality, that I have never told anyone before. I'm extremely honest with him, and he loves that.

he still wants to be with me. I asked him if we can be good friends instead, but he has not responded back yet.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Emily6166

i would never marry for money. Love obviously always comes first. However, I would prefer a lifestyle that i'm already accustomed to.

In your efforts to not sound shallow you are contradicting yourself and also not making much sense. You broke up with him BECAUSE he's not rich. Which means you didn't give love a chance, so love doesn't and cannot come first. Love is only entertained when money is part of the equasion

I can fall in love with a well-off man too (well-off, not necessarily rich). So, why should I settle for this guy if I do not truly love him yet?
Well you shouldn't. Nobody said settle, if you mean "settle" as in build a foundation, imo you're much too young. But if you think of being with him as "settling", then he's better off without you, because he was right and you do think he's beneath you.

If I do end up with this guy, I would not want to miss out on time with my kids, since I would be working hard to support all of us.

And this last statement I quoted is exactly why he lashed out at you. You assume because he hasn't completed his schooling yet, that he won't. You assume that he doesn't strive toward the best in life and that he is satisfied with the mundane. You assume that he will not be able to feed your kids with a silver spoon and also assume that you will have to do all the hard work in order to.

Again, in reality love doesn't come first for you, its just the appropriate thing to say. Please understand that I'm not judging you or even trying to be mean. All I'm saying is, be honest with yourself. You refuse to entertain love if it doesn't come wrapped in $ signs.

This is perfectly ok, its your life, your values, your standards, and your choices. Just try to be real about the fact that you place a lot of value in how many zeros are in a man's bank account, as it will save yourself and any prospective partners a lot of grief along the way..

[Open Eyes]

You have a lot of good advice in your thread, everyone is genuinely trying to be helpful to you Emily.

But Emily, 20 is still very young and you are going to grow and change a lot the next several years. I really feel that for you to get tied up in a romance with someone so much older than you right now is not a good idea. You really need to "find you" first, and you are still in college yet, you have not had a chance to set out on a career for yourself yet, now is not the time to get tied down at all. It is "normal" for someone your age to think about "being in love" though, but that doesn't mean you are truly ready for it "yet". Biologically, your body is ready, it's just how we are designed, but that doesn't mean you are anywhere near "psychologically" ready.

I do think that you said too much to this guy though. Learn from this, because you gave him too much to "debate" that was not really necessary. All you really had to say is, "I think you are a really nice person, I definitely have enjoyed talking to you and even spending time with you, but I am really only 20 and I am just not ready to make any kind of commitment to "anyone" right now in my life at this point. The way you handled it was "asking" for him to try to "convince you" or "sell himself", and it also put him down too. You need to be "careful" what you say to people, try not to be judgmental, especially if you know the person is a nice person. You are not out shopping for a handbag here, questioning the viable label or quality or if it will last. This is where you need to "mature" and "learn" about too. Next time try to write down the pro's and con's on your own, not so much pushing these at the other person so that other person is put on the defensive.

Learn from this and think about all the messages you have in your thread too, there are some good messages here in your thread.

((Hugs))
OE