Complete strangers I can open up to...

but not the ones I am closest to. As a matter of fact, the closer I get to someone the harder it is to remain opened up at all. I just start to freak out after awhile, like I have something so shameful to hide. I guess that would be my illness. Most of the time, when I try to tell them how I feel, it comes out sounding so incredibly disjointed and, well, dumb.

No wonder they are always looking at me funny...


Oh, well, it makes for a little entertainment with some of the looks I have been able to see from my view.

...just an "eccentric" way at looking at things, I guess. Hey! Maybe a warped sense of humour is my consolation prize for having to endure being messed up. Anyone know what I mean, or am I all alone in having little "asides" of humour in the conversations I have with myself?

I understand............. and that is why I often write down how I feel and then after they have read the letter, we talk about it.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

I've often wondered if it's because we feel the ones closest to us will judge us and strangers seem to have more compassion?? Wondering if I'm making any sense.

Linda

All my life I've seen the faces, and feel so unconfortable to say what I was actually thinking.
I don't feel so bad now, I'm really no the only one.
((AS))

I know what you mean. I have many side to myself that I save for different people. It's part of my adaptation skill I guess. My two main sides are the "Morbid dark side" and the "Outgoing everyone's cool" side...I hide behind one mask to fit in with the crowd so no one will lock me up. I wear the other in the strict confines of loneliness...

-Michael-

The opinions of strangers matter little to us compared to the opinions of those we are close with that we care for.

How do we know those people we care for won't leave if they see too much.. know too much... fear of abandonment can be a powerful thing... locking us inside ourselves where its safe.

Faith

I know, I like that on PC people to NOT judge you like a real shrink would. You can open up whenever you like, it is fun and something to look forward to. It also gives great support, advice and ideas. The only problem is internet preditors something that goes through almost every ones mind when posting on an open board with so many different people and some you have never even seen.

Hmmm... perhaps you have hidden feelings of guilt that you don't know about. Perhaps you are subconciously afraid those closest will find out. I feel that way sometimes and that's what I've narrowed it down to.
Remember though...your not wearing a sign on your face stating..."check this out." I mask certain ones out and let more empathetic ones in. We recognise our own quite easily. Ain't no big deal though. I've learned long ago to deal with my wierd thoughts...and laugh about it...or share it if it's the "right" person.
m.b.

Trying myself to screen what I say. I have so many ways of talking and understand how you might feel it is simple to talk to outsiders and very hard to do that with others.

(In close contacts)-I just started to say stuff to them that they will understand and in the gut [by some weird fidgiting or their wrincked farhead or weird look back at me]when they can't well understand the conversation ,than I stop in my tracks. I just got more savvy and now my freindships are better with no more big disasters. (I learned past summer when I was too loose with sharing words with a man[and i wasn't reading the facial expression clues from him that i made him uncomfortable or he just couldn't get what i was talking about cause he wasn't that kind of personality to get my stuff!)

So I stay narrow for who each man is( or any close friends too). He won't see stuff that "he calls crap." Nothing is "crap" but men, seem to think differently or I shoud say the logical sides of all people see stuff as crap. So i just moniter it and have good luck, I have more friends now---finally!

(conversing with close men friends now is better because I watch facial expressions more often) [also with my girlfriends too. ] I know talking to absolute strangers makes it real easy and limitless to misbehve (talk goofy)

Hope you aren't insulted by my posting. It was just my experience. I wasn't saying you talked crap. I just was saying I sometimes do. Please forgive the insult, I really didn't mean anything, but was abrupt , probably ; shouldn't have ; it was rude actually and I was just trying to help you, so no harm intended to you.

You can have great close ones too, just slow down, try, and it will be fine. (oh and i keep it on their level and when i forget, i just stop and change my subject to something they won't think is too outlandish. ) [since i have b.p. as well as being mild aspergers i struggle a great great deal with the issue you shared and suffered ]

Please forgive me if my post went way in some wrong direction. Razeljenny- Thanks...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My two main sides are the "Morbid dark side" and the "Outgoing everyone's cool" side...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's me, exactly!

Like another poster also indicated, I have different "masks" for different friends, groups of people, professionals, etc., as well. One thing I would never do is mix any of these people, like at a cocktail party or something. I wouldn't know what to do because they all see a different me.

A friend once said to me that I was "a cameleon." That blew me away at the time, because I was unaware that anyone had picked up on this fact - how could they - I never mixed company and he only saw me in my "Rock'n'Roll" persona - the group he was in. That freaked me out, too, because we were at a party (surprise) and he just casually walked up to me and mentioned it, then walked away and never spoke of it again. Strange....

With ya on the lock-me-up part, too.

AS

You make perfect sense to me. The only ones who get to see all the sides are the ones that share an intimate relationship with me (not meant in a sexual context here). Since I am always trying to hide my "real" self (which includes my "illness-me"), this is very hard to deal with, because I am so aware of how much stress I can create for them, which starts the cycle of guilt and shame and, well, I'm sure you know how it all goes...

Strangers only have to have compassion for an extremely short period of time - family and loved ones must deal with this stuff all the time, so one can easily see the difference in the impact made on each the two.

totally!

I'm an "expression" reader myself. That is how I adjust my speech, mannerism, etc. to the individual I am with. I also get a "feel" for other people by how they speak - what they say or their tones, what they wear (suits v. blue collar). I am very adept at changing quickly. I guess I should say "was."

Since I have been isolated from the world for so long, I do not find it as necessary to "hide" as much in certain situations. I think it's mostly because I don't really give a rat's behind as much as I used to (just getting older, I think, and not so self-conscious as I used to be, which is not always a good thing, but at least I am dealing with the real me most of the time, even if it is embarrassing from time to time).

I was not insulted in the least re: the crap. I knew what you were getting at and I do relate...

No worries!

Being a camealian myself. Learning who to reveal what to.

Don't feel comfortable as a humanbeing, because each relationship requires me to filter, screen, and decide what to reveal. So weird.

Sexual is last sharing on the list. If one can't be lively in relating with others in all of the other ways first, they aren't going to be in a place to have a total and sexual sharing. Sex should be only shared with someone you have known for a long time and who is beginning to be special to you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Don't feel comfortable as a humanbeing, because each relationship requires me to filter, screen, and decide what to reveal. So weird.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have said the very same thing many times to my therapists. Because of all the "maneuvering" I feel I must do, I don't feel like any "one" person which makes me feel like "noone' at all which then makes me feel "inhuman."

I have always felt like an "alien" - like an empty vessel that a "personality" takes over as the situation calls for.

Living like this has made me so unstable in my personality - thus my diagnois - BPD.

The unfortunate thing about this? I enjoyed having this flexibility of personality - it came in very handy - and I purposefully nurtured it. Of course, it never dawned on me what the ultimate consequences would be. Then again, knowing myself at the time I was actively engaged in this behaviour was not an option.

Altered State

(Got a "little" carried away with the "quote-marks" here!)

I don't think you were putting on a personality and caused anything Coping takes many different forms. Now that you are becoming more aware of some of your coping responses, you are more likely to find better ones that help you feel better, not less human?

(((hugs)))

Actually, there are many instances where "putting on a personality" was indeed, done on purpose, other than just to cope. I am aware of this part of my personality and have always been aware of the fact that I do use it when there has been advantages to do so.

As I mentioned earlier, I enjoy having this ability and I would hate to lose it entirely. There are times where my "personality" will change to cope with changing situations, especially when I feel threatened, but these are usually the "not-so-pretty personalities," and the ones I have the most difficulty controlling.

Overall, however, using this technique for so many years had defintely left me feeling like I did not know who I really was, thus the inhuman and alien feeling when it came time to figure out who I truly was.

I know more of who I am, what my beliefs are, etc. now, but I still purposely use this "putting-on" of personalities when the situation calls for it. As for causing it, whom should I blame, if not myself, when I have consciously taken this tact?

Altered State