[seeking]

Any advice on how financial issues in a second marriage with children on both sides, but no children together in current marriage, can be addressed? My child has graduated and is working, happily adjusting to the real world. My husband's 2 children are 17 and 14, the eldest staying with us. During my child's schooling I worked and supported her and contributed to the domestic expenses as well. I maintained my own vehicle, medical insurance, all other personal expenses. We have had this 'double income/double budget' kind of scenario for the past 14 years. For the past 5 years we have lived abroad and I have not contributed a steady income. From time to time I had a semi-permanent job and contributed somewhat but my husband has been the main financial support over the past 5 years. Since I am not earning my own salary anymore we have been having major financial arguments. It seems the stress of being the sole earner is harder for him to accept than I thought. For the past 2 years he has given me a personal monthly allowance. I use it sometimes to beautify the home, an air ticket for a loved one, gifts, holiday money, saving etc. It is not a huge amount and I wish I did not have to take it but still am grateful for the money and the little bit of independence it buys me. At times he makes me feel guilty about my allowance but then he contradicts himself by splashing out on an expensive car but denying us the luxury of a second cheaper car. He is only willing to help financially towards a second car once I can contribute as well. This financial war is very difficult for me to come to terms with as I feel I left a career, country, loved ones and life behind to follow him and support his career. Once I start working again I am expected to contribute financially to our budget. Which I don't mind but then certain domestic tasks must also be shared. (Well that issue will open another can of worms.) So I suppose the underlying issues are more severe than just money....... This debate could go on forever and I think I have already exceeded my 15 word limit :0)

[(JD)]

Welcome seeking.

Wow... you are in the midst of a very common problem. Three ideas: marital counseling, financial advisor, and personal protection. The last is by opening credit in your own name, to build your own credit... make sure you take your name off all of his accounts, and advertise that you are no longer responsible for his debts... etc. You never know what they have planned. I would hate to see you left high and dry if he refuses to treat you as an equal.

<font color=blue> Character is who you are when no one is looking </font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Seeking,

Something bothers me about your post. As long as you and your husband are worrying about whether you each make equal contributions, and who pays for whose children's educational expenses, etc. there is a division in your family. I always thought that families shared, and whatever resources the family had were available for the good of the whole family. Worrying about his and hers and who is contributing financially doesn't foster unity. It isn't possible to assign a monetary value to all that you do outside of earning money. Even if you did, it would never seem to come out even because we always overestimate our own contribution and underestimate others' contributions. That is human nature. What is needed needs to matter more than "I've already contributed my share." There is a reason that couples are often told that marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It's more like 60/60.

You might want to consider marriage counseling. I'd suggest talking it out on your own, but not knowing you well enough, I'm afraid that one or both of you would have defensive feelings on these issues and someone could be hurt. This situation is not one person's fault, and blame won't help it, but I do think you both need to take a deeper look at what it means to be a family.

I wish you well!
Wendy

<font color=orange>"They accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it." ... from the Director of Censorship...

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