[fraiser]

Over a year ago my husband told me he didn't love me. We divorced. I was with this man 10 years and then all of a sudden nothing. I can;t get over how easy I was to forget. It haunts me.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by fraiser

Over a year ago my husband told me he didn't love me. We divorced. I was with this man 10 years and then all of a sudden nothing. I can;t get over how easy I was to forget. It haunts me.

I'm so sorry! My bff had the same thing happen!

[Rose76]

That's a big hurt to deal with. In no way is a mere year a whole lot of time to have spent processing that awful blow. I hope you don't take his departure to mean that there is something essentially forgettable about you. A lot of other things could be true.

Anyone in your position is going to hunger to know what happened. After 10 years, you have to have come to know this man at many levels. What was he looking for that he thought he could better find elsewhere, outside the marriage. I've known of a few marriages where the man left basically because he didn't like marital responsibility. I think these men weren't leaving there wives so much as they were leaving the state of marriage. As immature as it sounds (to me, anyways) some men just get to where they think they want to date the field again. They probably just can't stay with any one woman for ever.

It sounds like this is hurting your self-esteem. You describe yourself as "easy to forget." That's quite a verdict to pass on yourself. Do you feel like he was a great catch whom you were lucky to get? Are you "haunted" because you just can't make heads of tails of why he walked out . . . of why he fell out of love? Over the course of ten years, you must have gotten to know a thing or two about him. Maybe his feelings weren't all that deep in the first place, but you thought time would make them grow . . . and they didn't.

I'm sorry you've had your world upended like this. Somehow, though, you have to find a way to believe in yourself again.

[fraiser]

Originally Posted by Rose76

That's a big hurt to deal with. In no way is a mere year a whole lot of time to have spent processing that awful blow. I hope you don't take his departure to mean that there is something essentially forgettable about you. A lot of other things could be true.

Anyone in your position is going to hunger to know what happened. After 10 years, you have to have come to know this man at many levels. What was he looking for that he thought he could better find elsewhere, outside the marriage. I've known of a few marriages where the man left basically because he didn't like marital responsibility. I think these men weren't leaving there wives so much as they were leaving the state of marriage. As immature as it sounds (to me, anyways) some men just get to where they think they want to date the field again. They probably just can't stay with any one woman for ever.

It sounds like this is hurting your self-esteem. You describe yourself as "easy to forget." That's quite a verdict to pass on yourself. Do you feel like he was a great catch whom you were lucky to get? Are you "haunted" because you just can't make heads of tails of why he walked out . . . of why he fell out of love? Over the course of ten years, you must have gotten to know a thing or two about him. Maybe his feelings weren't all that deep in the first place, but you thought time would make them grow . . . and they didn't.

I'm sorry you've had your world upended like this. Somehow, though, you have to find a way to believe in yourself again.

Thank you for your wisdom. This has been his pattern with women. But love was blind. I should have known better but I didn't. The ending was unexpected and I am really sensitive and now in disbelief I know he goes about his days unscathed. I'd like him to hurt for a while. Really hurt, to understand the wake of destruction he left behind. But that's unlikely so I really need to forgive and move on but it is so difficult. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by fraiser

so I really need to forgive and move on but it is so difficult.

Well, the need to forgive him, for this, is debatable. How long ago, did your divorce, finalize?

Pattern, with women? Ten years, is a fair amount of time spent in a marriage, was this his second or third marriage?

Was it rosey, for you, for ten years? I ask, as you mention, having blinders on, for all these years...

It is, painful, to have the rug pulled out from under. Didn't you guys argue or anything, to that nature, to clue you into his just walking away, out of the blue?

Were you able to get some alimony, out of this?

[Rose76]

So this has been his pattern. He eventually finds any woman easy to forget. That should be a lot less damaging to your self-esteem than if it weren't his pattern. Not saying that it makes the loss of the marriage easy to accept.

Love is often blind alright, but I would find it hard to imagine that those ten years were all that full of bliss . . . not with a man who is essentially self-centered. Sooner, or later, he'll get his. He is not laying the groundwork to be surrounded by love in his golden years. Getting hurt, however, will not ever make him sympathetic to those whom he has hurt. That capacity is not in him.

I don't believe that you really "need to forgive and move on." You just need to move on. For the near future, you will not feel forgiving. It would be screwy, if you did.

On television, I see families of murder victims showing up at court to tell the murderer that they "forgive" him. That is such a bunch of crap. This idea that we are only as big as our capacity to forgive is something that I find highly questionable. Sorry to digress.

[fraiser]

Originally Posted by Rose76

So this has been his pattern. He eventually finds any woman easy to forget. That should be a lot less damaging to your self-esteem than if it weren't his pattern. Not saying that it makes the loss of the marriage easy to accept.

Love is often blind alright, but I would find it hard to imagine that those ten years were all that full of bliss . . . not with a man who is essentially self-centered. Sooner, or later, he'll get his. He is not laying the groundwork to be surrounded by love in his golden years. Getting hurt, however, will not ever make him sympathetic to those whom he has hurt. That capacity is not in him.

I don't believe that you really "need to forgive and move on." You just need to move on. For the near future, you will not feel forgiving. It would be screwy, if you did.

On television, I see families of murder victims showing up at court to tell the murderer that they "forgive" him. That is such a bunch of crap. This idea that we are only as big as our capacity to forgive is something that I find highly questionable. Sorry to digress.

I'm so fortunate to have you to talk with Rose. The forgiving is for me not him. When you don't forgive it's like taking poison waiting for the other person to die. You can forgive but not condone the behavior. I don't want to carry resentments with me and be bitter. But I'd sure like to give him a thumping. We didn't fight. It was storybook wonderful in the beginning but his selfishness peeked through out the years. He was never unkind but became impotent and I think he felt if theres no sex what do I need a woman for. Also he owned a huge amount of property he wanted my name off of. I felt a light go on when you said about the other women he easily forgot and that helped more than you know. You're a blessed human being Rose for being there.

[Rose76]

You will get over your hurt by moving on and living what is next in your life. Each day that you enjoy something, you will be trading a little bit of hurt for a little bit of happiness. Gradually, that mountain of hurt will be eroded away.

He's not such a happy camper. Some day you may genuinely feel kind of sorry for him. Until then, be polite, but keep a good distance away from him, psychologically and physically. Life always surprises us by how it turns out - always a bit different from how we envision.

He didn't suddenly stop loving you. He had already stopped quite a good while ago. You were already living without marital love long before he announced his plan to divorce. Emotionally, this is not all that huge of a change because it has been changing for a few years now, at least.

Part of your dilemma is financial. Since, when he left, he took a huge amount of property with him, you are now less financially secure. So you feel a bit like someone who has lost a good job that came with good retirement benefits. You will have to make some adjustments in your manner of living, now and down the road. You can make those adjustments. You managed before you married him, and you will manage again. I'm glad us talking has felt helpful to you.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by fraiser

I'd like him to hurt for a while. Really hurt, to understand the wake of destruction he left behind.

I do not think you need to forgive, it is kind of an unforgivable action, not leaving you but the way in which he did and there's nothing to forgive in you; you do not want to forgive that you hurt and refused to see the worst in this person? It sounds like he is destined to be forever immature (did not develop well, not something he can "fix") and I would feel a little sorry for him that he cannot ever experience true love and contentment? Think of it like a heartbeat, you want those ups and downs, pains and joys and all he has as a fake is basically a flat line?

[fraiser]

Thanks to all who responded. I got clarity from what you said. He is a very weak man and cowardly the way he behaved not just in this instance but others. He was a taker, not a giver. I got no emotional support from him so I stopped expecting any. We never fought. I could go on and on, but I may be lucky he did this and I just can't see how just yet. But in the back of my warped mind I secretly hope he gets his. He deserves it. So I'll leave it to karma.

[tillytot42]

Hi I've just been reading this. I split from my husband ten years ago after he had an affair,it was a terrible time as we had two young children and I was recovering from post natal depression. He was a horrible person and I know I'm so much better off without him but the pain is still there,hasn't really lessened and I haven't been able to move on. He married the woman and is still with her so they were obviously meant to be. But I have been left with the fall out,am now very unwell with fibromyalgia,I have brought up my two beautiful children though,so something good came out of it all. I think anything like this does scar you,I still have nightmares. I do hope you can move on,have you had any counselling?xx