[arachnophobia.kid]

My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago and I thought I was over her but for some reason for the past couple weeks I can't stop thinking about her and I cry a lot about it. It seems like it's only starting to hit me hard now, I guess I was in a 6 month period of denial, I didn't feel that it was really over.

Her and I haven't really talked much within the last 6 months outside of just a few words here and there. We still see each other at church. But last night I woke up around 3 am after having a dream of her and in that sort of haze I sent her a text telling her I could not stop thinking about her and I could not stop wanting her. Then this morning she texted me back saying I really stirred up a lot of emotions by saying that, she says she still cares about me too, but she does not want me to talk to her like that because she is trying to move on.

So I apologized, it was inappropriate and I knew that but I still did it. Now I feel like a creep and a jerk, I shouldn't have texted her. I hurt her by doing that and now I feel even worse. I'm really weak these days. I guess I'm just asking for you to say something. I don't know, I don't have anyone to talk to.

[Confusedinomicon]

Don't feel bad. You had a moment of weakness, it happens to everyone.

Developing hobbies and staying distracted will probably help you move on. You have to let yourself grieve over the relationship but you also need to acknowledge your ability to move on and forgive yourself for moments of "weakness". Cry, but don't make it a habit. Its good to get emotions out. Now that you're not in denial, you will have time to process the emotions of losing someone. You have gone 6 months without living a life with her which shows strength because it shows you CAN move forward and that you're capable.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Don't feel bad. You had a moment of weakness, it happens to everyone.

Developing hobbies and staying distracted will probably help you move on. You have to let yourself grieve over the relationship but you also need to acknowledge your ability to move on and forgive yourself for moments of "weakness". Cry, but don't make it a habit. Its good to get emotions out. Now that you're not in denial, you will have time to process the emotions of losing someone. You have gone 6 months without living a life with her which shows strength because it shows you CAN move forward and that you're capable.

Thank you for the support, my hobbies and other distractions have been my focus for some time now. They do help a lot but I guess I've worn them out to some extent, at least for now. You're right that I can move forward but I think it'll take some time before I believe that myself.

For some reason I have been having this flood of memories about her and how happy I was, it was certainly the happiest time in my life. I think I somehow blocked that out and now that it's back it seems like so much more of a loss.

[BlueInanna]

Try not to be so hard on yourself, or think that you hurt her. She did respond kindly and clearly, so at least you got a response. No response is much worse

Everyone has probably done the text in time of weakness or drunk dialing it happens.

Moving on is really hard, especially sensitive people like us. But you could look at it as new information. Reconciliation is not going to happen. So if you're out of denial stage, do the mourning stage, then it can only get better from there.

I look back on the handful of men I loved & thought we'd be together for ever. Even though the ending hurt so bad, and it's hard no matter who chose the ending, we always seem to fall in love again. And the new love is even stronger than the last. Do the mourning you need to process it all, but look forward too, you still have the future ahead of you.

Keep at those hobbies & distractions & you'll get there.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Try not to be so hard on yourself, or think that you hurt her. She did respond kindly and clearly, so at least you got a response. No response is much worse

Everyone has probably done the text in time of weakness or drunk dialing it happens.

Moving on is really hard, especially sensitive people like us. But you could look at it as new information. Reconciliation is not going to happen. So if you're out of denial stage, do the mourning stage, then it can only get better from there.

I look back on the handful of men I loved & thought we'd be together for ever. Even though the ending hurt so bad, and it's hard no matter who chose the ending, we always seem to fall in love again. And the new love is even stronger than the last. Do the mourning you need to process it all, but look forward too, you still have the future ahead of you.

Keep at those hobbies & distractions & you'll get there.

Thank you for your response. I think you're totally right about looking forward. I thought I was already doing that and I'm not sure what happened but all of a sudden I just started looking back. I haven't been able to shake that since.

I also really feel what you said about having thought that you had found the one, and then losing them, and then finding someone that's even better. I'm familiar with that experience. I can't fathom it now but it's nice to have evidence for that truth at least.

She actually called me tonight because now she's very worried that I'm going to do something I shouldn't, she knows I have a history with self injury and with alcohol/drugs. I don't like that I made her worried but I can't lie, it really helped me to know that she cares about me. And at the same time it feels really messed up, I got her attention, that's what I wanted, it helped, but now she's suffering too. And that leaves me not even sure anymore... about... what is happening. I'm really happy that she cares for me but it's come at the price that she is distressed for my mental health, and somehow that doesn't even make me feel awful if i'm being honest, at least right now. I'm very confused as to why I don't feel awful. Does that make me a total jerk? Should I try to feel worse again?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

And at the same time it feels really messed up, I got her attention, that's what I wanted, it helped, but now she's suffering too. And that leaves me not even sure anymore... about... what is happening. I'm really happy that she cares for me but it's come at the price that she is distressed for my mental health, and somehow that doesn't even make me feel awful if i'm being honest, at least right now. I'm very confused as to why I don't feel awful. Does that make me a total jerk? Should I try to feel worse again?

No, it doesn't make you a total jerk. It does display a relationship characteristic to be addressed, in your own therapy.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

No, it doesn't make you a total jerk. It does display a relationship characteristic to be addressed, in your own therapy.

Thanks, I currently don't have a therapist. I've been considering seeing a therapist again because people want me to but it seems kind of hopeless. I've seen several and I still struggle with the same things. I can never tell if I'm making progress or not, and even if I do think I am making progress I can never decipher if it has been because of therapy or just because I gain more experience with pain as I get older. I suppose I should at least try again though, it's better than nothing.

[hamster-bamster]

I think it was actually a lucky move on your part, and both of you will now proceed to closure more confidently than before. You just need to explain that you are in control and won't let a self harm urge take over. Thank her for that call re risk of self harm, thank yet again, but then assure her that you will be alright and that she doesn't need to worry

[arachnophobia.kid]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think it was actually a lucky move on your part, and both of you will now proceed to closure more confidently than before. You just need to explain that you are in control and won't let a self harm urge take over. Thank her for that call re risk of self harm, thank yet again, but then assure her that you will be alright and that she doesn't need to worry

I think you are right in that ideally that's what would happen but unfortunately some of what you're saying is just not true. What I mean is that I barely tell people what's going on as it is, and I would say there is more of a risk of self harm now than there ever was in the past 6 months. I have already started drinking again and I have been thinking of hurting myself for the past week. I think this behaviour is why I texted her in the first place, I am out of control and I think it was a cry for help. I have thanked her abundantly for being there but telling her not to worry and that I'll take care of myself would be a lie. And now that she knows what's going on, even if I did tell her I'm taking care of myself, she wouldn't believe it, and rightly so.

I think my best shot at convincing her that I'm doing okay is if I go to some kind of therapy, or a support group, or something. That's what she wants me to do and she told me I don't have a choice actually. She said she is going to be checking up on me. And if I don't do anything for myself she told me she is going to tell my family and friends about what's going on in hopes that it will force something to happen. I also think I owe it to her to try to take care of myself and do something like she wants, but I don't think it's actually going to help. When it comes down to it, even if she tells everyone or if I do something myself, I think I will just have to wait this out as per usual and I will try my best but chances are I will continue on a self destructive path until this passes.

[hamster-bamster]

I see. So the late night text was actually a cry for help rather than an indirect request that she confirm that she is not oblivious to the fact of your existence. I formed a wrong impression, then.

She is a sensible girl and what she tells you to do has to be done.