[Jasmina]

My situation is a little complex. But I need serious support.
I am going through a divorce and have 3 young kids. My husband and I are still waiting for things to be finalized and go through the courts. We lived in the same home for financial reasons and for the stability of our kids. He was extremely abusive. So I planned to move far away from him. In the middle of this, I met a really nice guy. We saw each other more and eventually became more involved. But he never wanted to commit for several reasons: he never planned on being a role model for anyone's kids, he was moving out of state within the next couple years and didn't want anyone getting attached to him or vice versa. He didn't want to drag anyone along or adjust their life to his. Also because my divorce wasn't finalized. He said that we would more than likely be together if there weren't so many complications. It was never stated we were exclusive. But deep down I knew he was probably seeing other women. I also demanded I be the only one. Now that I look back, though, I wonder if it was even a fair request since I was still married.
Anyway, I became so depressed knowing he was getting ready to leave. I couldn't let him go without me. This would be the best opportunity to move. At least one of the complications would be eliminated. So I decided to ask him what he thought about me moving there with him. He wasn't sure how to respond and he'd help me move but made it clear I shouldn't move for him. That probably was a red flag. Or was it?
He seemed a little shocked when I told him I was moving,' like it or not.' I would bring my kids to live there after I got things situated. Even though we are now committed, I can't help but worry how he initially felt about being a role model to my kids. Maybe he's changed his mind. Or else why would he be with me now? But it still raises a question whether he will revert back to his old way of thinking. Maybe love can change a person. Idk.
Everything was going well until one day I glanced at a cell phone bill he had laying around. I noticed a particular number he had been texting on a regular basis. When I checked his phone as I had months before, I noticed it was a girl I had seen he texted quite often. One he apparently was sexually involved with. It was the same girl he seemed to be close to. Maybe too close.
Before, the texts were only as if he was just wanting a sexual relationship with her. But this time, months later, the texts were more involved. He'd text that he was attached to her and didn't realize how much she meant to him until after the move. Things like, "I can't get you outa my head beautiful woman" and "I miss you" and how special she was to him. It hurts just writing it. One of their conversations pertained to her insisting they weren't right for one another. He disagreeing, saying they were. He referred to them sharing a long lasting, eternal type of love. What? It was so romantic, it made my stomach turn. He confessed he had always been drawn to her and stayed away because he knew he could become seriously involved with her. But then he'd turn around and say that it was tragic they couldn't be together bc of the situation he was in with me. He wanted her to be with someone worthy of her. Which made me feel great. (Sarcasm) So I'm not sure if that was his way of saying he couldn't be with her ever. I hope it was. But my gut tells me different.
Then there was the one conversation that still pops in my head, making me wonder whether he truly wants to be with me at all. She told him that she didn't know we had planned on moving together. Apparently she was aware of who I was. She was actually happy for us. But he replied that he wasn't with me because of anything he did and he didn't "choose" me. That I insisted I was coming with him. But he had realized I did, after all, move for him. The text wasn't as if he was even happy I had moved. It seemed he was confiding in her about how he really felt. I can't help but feel he's not too serious about us. But why would he tell her those things? If a man wants to be with a woman he would. Right? And I'm the one he's with.
Then I read things about how men don't like to be chased. They want to feel they've worked for it. Will a man be with a woman bc she's convenient? There's so much going on here. I need some serious advice and another perspective on what may actually be going on. Thanks again for reading.

Sounds like things are moving a little fast here. I understand you want to get away from your soon to be ex but moving with your 3 children into a new life with a man you've been dating for how long? Did he ask you to move in with him? I don't think I heard that from you. He said he doesn't want you to move for him. That sounds rather non-committal. Maybe he'd like you to be closer but not actually live together just yet. If you were my friend, I'd suggest taking things much slower with him. Date and have fun. Relationships are difficult as it is, one-on-one, never mind adding an immediate family of 3 children to the mix. That is a major upheaval for you to move with your children. How do they feel about moving? Changing schools, friends, etc. It's a lot to consider. Is your man willing to take on the financial burden for all of you? How is his relationship with your children? I'm sure you've given it great thought.

I don't know what to say about the other woman. Are things really over for them? Do you mind sharing your man? You say you are not exclusive so he is free to see other women right? There is nothing to be mad at then is there? Are you planning for the four of you to live together as a family? Does your man know this? Is he ready to take all of you on? There would be too many questions there for me to make a major change such as moving my entire family to be with him. I think a lot of men like their freedom and some like to have more than one woman. I would take it slow and not push it. JMO.

[healingme4me]

Doesn't sound like his heart is really yours. If you are coming out of an abusive marriage, that isn't even finalized, stands to reason, it was positive attention, although from someone playing two women.
You mentioned he wants to move out of state. Will your soon to be ex, give you permission to move the children, are you willing to move without your children or are you willing to shell out, upwards to $15k to $25k, for a court trial for rights to remove your children with you?

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[Jasmina]

[QUOTE=Rivrboat;3574277]I understand you want to get away from your soon to be ex but moving with your 3 children into a new life with a man you've been dating for how long? Did he ask you to move in with him?

We've been seeing each other for almost 2 years. He didn't ask me to move with him. I have my own place that he helped get ready for my kids. It has been in the back of my mind to live together. But he likes alot of space and I don't like being alone.
I am concerned that he has always said that about being a father figure. But isn't that their father's job? I don't expect him to take that role on financially or emotionally. We have now voiced we are committed. All our friends and family see us as a couple. This became more apparent when he was okay with changing our fb status to in a relationship with.... I had wanted him to do this and he finally has. But I have set it to where my status is public. His is not public and set for friends to see. This bothered me a little. Does that at all say something?
He is fantastic with my kids. They had a tough time transitioning though. My son has been acting out a little. This is a concern. We are trying to iron out the details. The visitation and all that. My husband isn't happy right now. I'm not sure what he's going to do. Our eldest stayed behind with their dad.

As far as the other woman, when I found out who she was, I asked him to delete her off his page. He did it right before we changed our relationship statuses. Then I noticed him leaving a lot to go to the bathroom with his phone. So I checked again. It was her, very angry that he'd do anything like that. Didn't their friendship mean anything? What got me was that he told her he didn't want to do it. He enjoyed seeing her page and would add her back. But if he did, he would have to go through explaining to me why he added her back. Saying he didn't want to go through the hassle. I didn't think I was that much of a burden. When I read that, I knew he was choosing me over her. But when I saw a text he sent her while he was drunk that was sexually explicit, I doubted whether they were really finished. But is that sharing him if they live so far away? I always thought out of sight,out of mind. What harm is she or any other if they live so far? Am I being paranoid? It would hurt too badly if I knew he cared more for her than me. I'd rather know the truth though. Maybe that's what I get for snooping.
I thought things would be different. I thought I was doing the right thing for me and my kids. I don't doubt I sound unstable. I'm trying to get my life back on track.
My fear is that this relationship will blow up in my face and I would've moved for nothing.
I appreciate your input.

[Jasmina]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Doesn't sound like his heart is really yours. If you are coming out of an abusive marriage, that isn't even finalized, stands to reason, it was positive attention, although from someone playing two women.
You mentioned he wants to move out of state. Will your soon to be ex, give you permission to move the children, are you willing to move without your children or are you willing to shell out, upwards to $15k to $25k, for a court trial for rights to remove your children with you?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Thank you, Healingme4me.

I have already made the move. I left my kids behind to stay with their dad. I needed time to get things ready before bringing them. My husband gave me permission to take them out of state. But we haven't figured out how we'll arrange visitation. I was surprised he let me take them. It makes me wonder whether he's setting me up. I've read alot about how abusive spouses will put the parent in jail for taking the kids out of state. I'm also afraid the court won't see my decision to move to be in our kids best interests. This is a mess. I think leaving gave me a new perspective.

[brainbeforebeuty28]

To me there is no question in my mind this guy isn't right for you even if he hasn't cheated with this other girl he has emotionally cheated u said he should erase her off his page and then he keeps texting her. He wasn't thinking about you when he started forming a relationship with this other girl. He wasn't thinking of you when he continued to text her. I know it's hard to leave someone you care about I know it's always easier said then done but this guy no offense to you but sound like the biggest dirt bag I have ever heard of. Sometimes the hardest wound to heal is an emotional wound and I believe it's because it's invisible to the naked eye. Please do yourself a favor get rid of this guy and when and if he tries coming back you say sorry I deserve something better than a guy I can't even trust to go to the bathroom in my own home without flirting another women. This is the most important thing I will say to you YOU DESERVE BETTER. No back talk now. Don't make excuses. I don't care if you have kids, I don't care if you think ur not the best looking or whatever other reasoning your about to make that will defend his action. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Now say it to yourself and believe it.

[tohelpafriend]

I'd get any agreements about the children in writing, better yet a court ordered visitation agreement. He could use that against you, of course.

[Jasmina]

You're right, brainbeforebeuty28. I spoke with him about it and he says he's stopped texting her as much. But I remember a text of hers hoping they'd always be friends. He texted back that they'd always remain friends. Then called her "mistress of my life." I'm not sure what that meant. I know I'm dwelling on this. But I think he did somewhat maybe love her. Do you those type of feelings remain even if he's committed to me? I don't want to ask him stuff like that. But to heal, for some reason I need to know. It's a mystery to me. I am starting to look at him differently. It looks like a dead end situation.

[Jasmina]

Tohelpafriend- I only have a spoken agreement with my husband. I've had friends tell me to do the same as you've suggested. Sometimes I feel like I'm always in the middle of drama. Thank you for your input.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Jasmina

Thank you, Healingme4me.

I have already made the move. I left my kids behind to stay with their dad. I needed time to get things ready before bringing them. My husband gave me permission to take them out of state. But we haven't figured out how we'll arrange visitation. I was surprised he let me take them. It makes me wonder whether he's setting me up. I've read alot about how abusive spouses will put the parent in jail for taking the kids out of state. I'm also afraid the court won't see my decision to move to be in our kids best interests. This is a mess. I think leaving gave me a new perspective.

His permission, needs a notarized signature. Anything more than 2-3 weeks, without something like that, is grounds for federal kidnapping charges. I know, all too well, all the laws and statutes, in process of a removal hearing, of my own, and my bff's brother is in a divorce custody dispute, of his own. Lots of research.

[Jasmina]

Nothing notarized yet. I was so eager to get out of there. A friend of mine is still irritated with me for leaving them behind with their abusive father. She couldn't believe he was ever that bad if I wasn't concerned for their safety. But I was going to come back to take them with me. Do you think it was in their best interest to take them or even move at all? I'm afraid my kids have told their dad I'm involved with someone else. He didn't know I was moving mainly to be with my now boyfriend. I don't think he'd like them being exposed to another man. They are aware we are still married. I hope it doesn't confuse them. Maybe my kids won't be affected by it.
I'm curious. Does his permission have to be taken for a judge to rule whether it's for the betterment of our kids to be so far from their dad? Or can it be for any amount of time as long as he agrees to it? We only talked about it.