Not sure if this emotional abuse or I'm just crazy..

Long read. Please bear with me I need help.

My bf is 27 and I am 21, we have been dating for about 3 years. Recently I've been feeling like my depression and self esteem have been plummeting because of him. I have no one to really talk too about my relationship (he gets upset if I vent to his friends because he says I'm going to change their views of him.) Here are some things he does that make me think twice.

-If i have plans with a friend he will get aggravated and threaten to go back to his home town to stay. Once I cancel my plans with said friend he won't want to hang out anymore and says that "I was looking too much into what he said"
-In an argument, even if I'm right he'll keep twisting things his way. He can never admit to being wrong. He'll call me crazy and delusional if I do prove him wrong.
-If I make him mad he likes to make sure everybody (all our friends) know and will make a big point to ignore me.
-If I do something to make him wrong (which is almost all the time, did I mention hes always unhappy with me?) I have to beg and beg for his forgiveness.
-If I want even the smallest bit of sympathy he says I need to grow up and stop playing 'victim".

These are just some examples. I feel like he will subtly punish me if I do something to upset him also. I have brought all these points up to him saying I feel he is unfair. His response is that I am the wrong who is that way. I honestly feel crazy. Can someone offer insight please?

Wow. It sounds like he's a really bad match for you. I'm amazed he won't let you vent to his friends just because they might think of him differently. If that's the case you should definitely vent to them D:< Jeez. Anyways, either way that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He sounds really possessive and potentially emotionally abusive. Especially if your self-esteem has really taken a beating. Sorry but since he's so quick to put the blame on you all the time, I don't think you should be in that relationship.

My sister was in a relationship like that and I saw her turn into a shadow of herself. it was terrible to watch.

Best of luck and feel free to PM me!

How do you feel when he does these things?

Honestly I feel horrible. And miserable like he is never happy with me. But everyone deserves to be loved even after they make mistakes right?

Thank you so much for what you said. It really opened my eyes, I needed to hear that. How did your sister get out if you don't mind me asking? I can't PM you yet or else I would have.

Dear HappyOne, this really is emotional abuse and control. It sounds foul to me, and all too familiar with a situation I found myself in, with children, that developed into severe oppression and full-on abuse.

Like keeprolling said, someone submitting to this sort of treatment becomes a shadow of themselves ... It sounds like you're already beginning to be unsure of which way is up.

I say, please get out and move on while you still have hold of most of yourself and your sensibilities!!

Thank you so much to needed to hear that! As I am typing this I am planning on up and moving and going no contact.

I cannot answer for his sister, but I certainly can answer for myself. It happens slowly, it's insidious, how one gets involved with someone who is like this. First step, is recognizing it for what it is, however. Silent treatments, begging for forgiveness, soothing anothers insecurities, never seeming to have enough love to give them for them to believe it. Of course, I've born kids with a person like this, and still must deal with them. Recognizing what brings you to involvement helps tremendously. For instance, there's a people pleasing trait that exists. Rescuing tendencies, as well. Nurturing/Protector roles. There isn't one specific, first step to be taken. There's a multitude of steps, that need to be taken. It could take years. Maybe not years, to release their clutches, but years, to sort yourself out, and not repeat this role again, in the future.
It took, a lot more than just learning to stop walking on eggshells, for me. Seeing it, for what it is, without playing the role of victim, is probably the most important step, one can take. The rest, all the books, therapies, support groups, etc, just strengthen a person.

Ahhhh the joys a being a new member haha. No worries And I'm glad it helped in some way.

My sister's relationship was kind of ridiculous from the start. He called around 14 times a day even when they first started but my family thought it was just a stupid little quirk because he had a bad breakup with his last girlfriend. It wasn't until he came over for thanksgiving dinner and was insulting her intelligence and didn't often let her talk that I realized something was very off. He also threw a hissy fit right in front of my mom when my sister had done a small thing wrong. It got me thinking for a long time and I had realized that for the past few years he was stopping her from seeing a lot of her friends (isolation) and taking down her confidence while always convincing her he was right. I was terrified at what had happened because if he wasn't afraid to yell at her in front of us, what was he doing to her when we weren't looking?

It was a really difficult conversation to have with my sister because she backed up her boyfriend a lot (which is what a good girlfriend does but not in this situation). Especially since confrontation was one of her weakest points, a lot of the things that he said to upset her, she was too terrified to bring up since he never really backed down. She was talking about how she had it under control and how she did win a few arguments from time to time but I asked if they were the really important ones. Because I had seen some of the long ones and it would go on for days until she gave in. And how she didn't seem as energetic anymore because the sister I knew was bouncy as sunshine and ridiculously silly and confident. She had become quiet and much more reserved and it made me so sad. Especially because my sister is such a role model for me in terms of intelligence and strength, to see her at one of her lowest points was really the worst.

In the end I just pointed out a lot of his problemsome behavior and told her it really wasn't okay and either she had to fight it with him or finish and leave him. My main mission was to make her more aware of the things occurring and let her observe it herself. Because even though I hated it happening to my sister, I knew if she really became aware she would fight it and then really know the warning signs in future relationships. My sister is a strong girl and so I told her that she had my support for the relationship if she really demanded it but that wouldn't make me stop pointing out how rude he was to her at times and if she wouldn't fight for herself I would. She went back to her apartment with a lot to think about and talked to her high school and college friends about the issue. It took a while and it definitely didn't help that my dad got so angry he sent a really nasty email to her boyfriend. After that my sister didn't talk to us for a few months. Eventually though, the email and talks became a catalyst for her to watch his behavior and how it affected her. I'm really proud to say she got out of the relationship herself with the support of her family and friends. She truly is very strong. It's extremely difficult to break out of those kinds of relationship but in the end, love is supposed to pull you up and make you better, not bring you to your knees and make you cry. Your lover is supposed to be your advocate.

I can happily say she's with a new boyfriend who is sweet but kind of a goof. He also calls a lot but they work through their issues through discussion and he really thinks she's much smarter than he is and is lucky to have her. She also cuts him off when she wants to say something and he'll pout but smile when he listens to her and I think it's off to a great start so far.

Sorry I can only provide a family sort of perspective but I hope this helped in some way. You've already recognized some of the problems which is a lot of the battle. Best of luck and as always, feel free to talk to me

I'm sorry you've had a hard time of it, I don;t have any indepth solutions for you, but a good guideline for relationships( and probably the hardest one to stick to) is the 80/20 rule.

All relationships are going to have there issues, people are just crazy, but as long as 80 percent of the time you are happy, then things should be ok, if it dips below the 80 mark for longer than three months, it's probably just going to get worse. It may be time to call it quits. Quitting is the hard part though, I've been dating for 20 years and had 10 SO that I felt like "loved" at one point or another,and up until the most recent one,who is The best I've ever had, She makes me happy about...90 percent of the time. Which is pretty high.

If you are not happy, then it doesn't matter what he thinks, life is short, it may take a while, but go find that one in a million person that will make you happy 80-90 percent of the time Anybody who tells you it should be 100% has not been allive long enough ro is trying to sell you something I hope things get better for you!

It is crazy how one can get so entangled with a person like that. And you hit the nail right on the head, I am a person who rescues people and I have a nuturing role (i like to take care of others). Neither of those things helped in the relationship. I was a pleaser too and I wanted to please him. Hopefully now that I can see the situation for what it really is I can walk away. Thank you!

Wow your sister is lucky to have you guys Your perspective gave me a feel of what my family must be thinking. I'm glad you guys didn't turn her away, some of my family did and that really hurt.I hope things work out for your sister, and I thank you I do appreciate that I dont really have anyone I can talk to about this

You are so right! You should be with someone who makes you happy and they make you smile. Not someone who makes you miserable. Life is way too short to be unhappy with someone when theres so many options out there! Thank you so much

Are you out of this relationship yet? This is definitely abuse. I was in a relationship that was seemingly perfect for the first 6 months to a year. I don't remember exactly when he started doing the little mean spirited comments and being angry about me having friends and hanging out with my family... But I do know that it got much worse after a while.

There's a term that I haven't seen on this thread that I think may apply to your situation: codependency. There's actually a book called "Codependency No More" that I ended up reading. It was very hard for me to leave my ex... First of all, we had a child. Secondly, I was so worried about how he would respond to me about anything from going on a date (he watched me and had friends keeping tabs on me) to having friends over to my apartment. It took so much willpower to stop caring. But I did. You can too, if you haven't already.

I felt broken for a little while afterwards, I won't lie. It's very hard to come to terms with years of abuse and always making excuses for someone's behavior. I had essentially been lied to and lying to myself for years, which took a toll on my self esteem. I am now in a loving and supportive marriage with a wonderful and doting husband, yet still have some resonant self-esteem issues from "the dark ages" of my life.

Fortunately for you, the abusive behavior is just starting and there are no children involved, which should ease the transition for you Best of luck!

Regardless of whether this is deemed emotional abuse or not, he's an ***. I think you have your answer already and are looking for confirmation of this. Everything about how he treats you is manipulative and controlling and you can do better.

I belong to another site and this is something I found there. You have got to get away. Please oh PLEASE don't become me. Here is what was posted.

I put (*) by the things that apply to me. I hope you can see you in some of these and get away while you can. Or I hope you do not see you in any of these statements and you never EVER do.

//begin quote// "This came straight from the Domestic Violence Crisis Center in my area's Website. I hope it helps you!!Why People Stay This was from my local Domestic Violence Center's website"

"People who stay in violent relationships undergo gradual steps of reasoning to reconcile the violence in their minds. The reasons a victim stays may change as the violence in the relationship progresses.

At first he/she stays because:
he/she loves him/her
* he/she believes she/he will grow up or change
* he/she believes he/she can control the beatings by doing as he/she says; cleaning the house, keeping the children quiet, having dinner on time, etc.
he/she believes that he/she can convince him/her that he/she loves him/her (and end his/her jealousy)
* he/she believes it is his/her duty to make the relationship work
he/she believes he/she can reason with him/her
he/she believes him/her when he/she says that he/she is sorry and won't do it again
he/she's embarrassed for him/her and/or himself/herself, so he/she seldom seeks help
* he/she's afraid of what will happen if the police get involved

Later a victim stays because:
* he/she loves him, but less
* he/she hopes he/she will change or get help
he/she is under pressure from family or friends to stay
he/she believes he/she loves and needs him/her
he/she is afraid to be alone
* he/she believes he/she can't support him/herself
* he/she believes his/her promises that he/she will change and that they'll start living the life he/she dreams of, that he/she will get counseling, that he'll stop abusing drugs or alcohol, etc.
* he/she is confused
he/she is increasingly afraid of his/her partner's violence and may see lethality in his/her out of control behaviors

Finally he/she stays because:
* fear: he/she has become tremendously powerful in his/her eyes
he/she threatens to kill him/her or the children or his/her family
* he/she has developed low self-esteem
* he/she believes no one can love her/him
he/she believes he/she can't survive alone
he/she is very confused and feels guilty: "he/she cares, he/she beats me, I must be bad, I must deserve this, I don't know why"
* he/she becomes depressed and immobile. Decisions are difficult, sometimes even impossible for him/her to make.
* he/she believes he/she has no control over his/her life
* he/she feels hopeless and helpless
he/she believes he/she has no other options
* he/she has developed serious emotional or physical problems
he/she becomes suicidal and homicidal

Well that is me in a nut shell. Yet I continue to to stay. I can't think for myself. I do what I am told. I can't decide what to do, I know what to do but the fear keeps me here, I guess.

At the time a year ago when this was first written I couldn't read that list. Now a year later I can read this and own some of this stuff.

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME: That the Lord would give me the guidance to make decisions I need to. That he will give me the stregnth to deal with my choices. That he will give me the sanity to live with my decisions or that he will intervene and turn things completely around and that he will show my husband a new way of doing things.

We are in T together at the moment, so that is a positive, but it still doesn't change the circumstances. " //end quote//

Please don't let this become you. This is me and I have 3 kids. Be careful my friend.

^^^ yep.

And don't feel that because it hasn't reached the physical point, it won't. And my favorite....'if he ever lays a hand on me, I'm so outta here'.
Ummmmmm.....by that point, one may already be trapped in.
For instance, once you have kids, guess who can't leave the state, or even a certain mile radius, without court permission, because abusers won't allow that with a notarized signature.
One struggle for 'victims' of domestic violence(and I '', victims, because some victims have survivor mentality over victim mentality), is they flee to shelters, undisclosed locations, etc, BUT get in HUGE legal trouble, because of taking kids. Lest kids are beat up too(which leads to more social struggles, as in didn't protect kid, you are in legal trouble), courts say, fathers have rights or abusers have rights.
Now, talk to me, in a couple weeks or so, I'll answer, what rights victims have, when theres legal proof of assault and battery...

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