Divorced. In confusing relationship and need advice.

Firstly, sorry for being very wordy but tried to provide much detail as possible. I just need to explain my past before I talk about my current situation.

I need some advice here but just a bit of background. I was married 25 years; my wife HS boyfriend contacted her in 2012, they got into an emotional affair, physical affair, she wanted a divorce. She made an agreement with her Affair Partner that she need to carefully strategize and would execute this 3-step plan and would not lie to me but she leave our all details. Her affair partner who lived in another country was also married with 5 children but was unhappy with his marriage.

So the story began with one night my wife planned to arrange our daughter (14 year old) to have a sleep over while we went out for dinner. Shortly after ordering our meals she told me that she wanted a separation and I almost fell off my chair. I didn’t know what was going on and she blamed me for everything. I was controlling and not trusting and I was confused!! I wanted marriage counseling, but she already made her mind up and would not budge. Followed her plan and ten days later she wanted to file for divorce and told me that she wanted to be divorced in 62 days. I was going nuts and confused on what the heck I had done. I asked several times if she was having an affair? Interested in another man? She actually got angrier with me for not trusting her!! She used that as another reason why she wanted to get a divorce. She needed her space and I was too controlling and not trusting. I thought I was a good husband who use to pay all the bills, do the grocery shopping, cook ALL meals but obviously I screwed up. But soon friends, family and my therapist told me things are not adding up and I soon got suspicious and put my investigating “hat” on. Just before her affair partner was going to fly down to meet her on a “business trip” to begin their physical affair, I found out about her affair (came across evidence) and hired a PI. That is when I felt betrayed, deceived, hurt and angry. She decided to move out of the house (she had no choice because I was not going anywhere) and the day she was moving I sat with her and confronted her about her affair partner. The first thing she said was he, “He contacted me first and it is not my fault!!” He was going to live next door to her apartment!! I felt betrayed, deceived and felt like crap about myself. When someone has an affair, it just takes your self-esteem down. So I decided to move on slowly and pursue a divorce. After about 6 months of living alone (wife moved out) I decided to get in the dating scene.

I met this really nice girl named Athena (10 years younger) I am 49 and she was amazing. Great sense of humor, pretty, smart, we got along great but she was also going through a divorce and we never got intimate. But we really liked each other and had so much in common. She had to be very careful as she was going through a bad divorce with a husband that was not a very nice man. We just kept a platonic relationship but we were very attracted to each other, but the stars never lined up. I have known her for more than a year and still keep in contact.

Then I met, Carla and believe she was my first rebound relationship. I was still not divorced but nearing the finish line. She wanted an exclusive relationship but I told her that I was not ready for that and wanted to date other women. We both decided to part our ways.

Then I met a really nice Asian girl named Julie and this is why I write to this forum hoping to get advice. She had been married 18 years but years of resentment destroyed her marriage. Her Ex-husband was a control freak and he pretty well did everything for her but it came at a cost. She said that her husband was extremely loyal and never worried about him getting involved with any infidelity but was very controlling and had major anger issues. She didn't know how to use a computer because he would not allow it!! The last 5 years of their marriage were horrible and it was like they were never married and did things separately. She finally took control of her life and decided to rebel against him arranging a trip with her mother to visit Japan. She always wanted to go but he would not let her. She did not want to ask for permission anymore but that was the final straw for her husband. And when he asked her if she wanted a divorce, she whole-heartedly agreed. After their divorce she dated an older gentleman (10 years older) as she felt lonely. She told me that this gentleman was nice, but wanted to tell her how to control her daughter and also felt they had little in common. Then she went out with a fellow (5 years older) but it only lasted 6 months. She told me that he was very unemotional, rarely joked around and was not “fun” to be around. She learned he participated in certain “narcotics” which he would not give up so she decided to end the relationship.
I met Julie about 1 year ago and we started to date. I told her upfront that I was not ready for any exclusive relationship yet and still going through a divorce. Time progressed; my divorce was finalized and we continued to see each other. Julie and I got along very well, she loved my sense of humor, she loved my cooking, loved being around me and she felt we had a great sexual chemistry between us. We travelled to a few places, go out for dinner on weekends, she would stay over my house the weeks we did not have our children (were at the Ex’s house).
After 6 months into our relationship you could see she was falling for me and more than I was falling for her. And the fact that I did not want to be exclusive was bugging her. I was dating other women (no sex) and seeing what was out there. I may have gone out with the same girl several times but generally it was a few dates only. To be honest, none of them interested me and then thought maybe Julie is good for me.

After seeing Julie for 7 months, me not being exclusive started to really annoy her. She would say, “Why don’t you call me your girlfriend?” Are you not happy to be with me? Why don’t you care about me?

One afternoon, she came over and was very distant. She kept on about me not being exclusive, not caring and she decided to break up with me and walked out of my house. Before she walked out, I told her I don't agree with her decision but wanted to be honest with her. I told her I just needed time to figure things out but would respect her decision. So she broke up with me.

Several days later Julie wanted to talk things through. She told me that she was willing to live with the fact that I could not commit yet. But she was still angry with me, as she wanted to know why I never called her when she walked out. I said, “you walked out!!” and she replied, “Yes, but if you cared you would have called!!!”. We talked things through and I agreed to resume our relationship.

Several months after that incident, she still wanted me to be exclusive so I thought, ”Okay, let’s try this out and see how it goes. I really liked her, so let’s see if we can take this relationship to another level and see if we love each other?”. So I agreed to be exclusive and our relationship took off. But things were still bugging her and things now started to annoy me. Here are some examples…

- I like going out to my local pub for a few pints (once or twice a week) . She does not like that fact I drink alcohol and thinks I am there to pick up women. This is farther from the truth. I go with a divorced friend that I have known for over a decade. He knew my Ex-wife, and when he was married when all would go on trips together as couples. And when I go for a drink, it is just for that; and kick back and have some fun.

- At one point in our relationship Julie’s car kept breaking down, so I would drive her to work early in the morning and would find a mechanic to get it fixed. Then she would tell me that the estimate was too expensive and she may know someone, so I would try to make arrangements with her friend to fix her car, while I had to get her car from the other mechanic. I would pay for them to look at her car, get her a rental, which she refused to drive and finally after 2 months, I had to ask her for the money.

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- Helped her buy a car (used BMW!!!) and when she started to sign her paperwork, I stepped back as I wanted her to have her privacy. She was angry with me, because she wanted me to look at the paperwork and thought I just didn’t care. I guess it was a big miscommunication. She would never tell me her age so I assume she wanted her privacy well they went over her credit score and financing. She regretted purchasing the car and then blamed me because I never looked at the paperwork and she felt she signed on a bad deal and could have gotten an even better deal. I felt bad so the next day I talked to the Sales Director to unwind the deal (very hard to do) and was successful. Then spent the following weekend trying to find her another car and closely watched every detail when she signed the paperwork and questioned the finance manager on a few issues before she signed the contract. She seemed happier this time around.

- When she does spend the night at my house (when our kids are with our Ex’s) I wake up around 5am to make her breakfast, start her car (winter mornings) and pack a lunch for her. I am not sure she really appreciates it.
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- She was trying to cut back on her finances, so I helped her find a VOIP phone set it up for her, found a cheaper internet provider but she felt she was paying too much for cable T.V. She was paying extra money for Asian channels and did that for the last 3 years. Since she would be over my house, I signed up for the Asian channels ($20 per month) but at a much cheaper price. I wanted her to be able to watch them when she was over my place. She then canceled her Asian channels from her cable provide ($40 per month) and watches them from the iPad mini and Roku I bought her. I am not sure she appreciates me paying for them nor has she offered to pay which confused me. I am not Asian but would have thought, "Hey let me pay for the channels since I canceled the other ones".

- When we had an ice storm, the city basically shut down but she was stuck at work. But her work arranged for the employees to stay the night at a hotel. Julie was angry with me because I never offered to pick her up while other husbands were picking up their wives. I told her on a good day it takes 25 minutes to get there and they warned people to stay off the roads. I asked her why did you want me to risk my life? She told me, “you could have at least offered and I would have said no”. I always feel like the bad buy.
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- And then a few weeks back another ice storm hit but not as bad. I told her that if she wanted, I could pick her up but it would take a few hours to get there. She had to pick her daughter from her ex’s so she decided to drive home. She only lives a few miles from me, so when she got home I told her that I wanted to drop by as I made Coq au Vin and a Germans chocolate cake. She responded with, “I thought you didn’t want to get into an accident ;-) “ I was shocked and upset. We didn’t text each other for 3 days. She finally texted me but continues to say, “If you cared about me, you would have texted me and not waited for me to text you”.
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- She seen a text from Athena a month ago and I was opening responding to it. It was just a hi how are you text? What have you been up to? You could see Julie was very upset with me and asked me to stop texting her. Then I told her about my other friends that are also females. Her response was she didn’t’ care if I communicated to the “other friends” but she wanted me to stop contacting Athena.

I am a very friendly outgoing person and she gets upset if a women clearly hits on me. I remember we were standing at grocery shop and this lady kept complimenting me but I don’t think she realized that I was with Julie. So to reassure Julie I hugged hug her in front of the lady to show I was taken and Julie did appreciate that. But Julie says, that I am just too friendly with people. I told her when we went to home depot, I was joking with the male clerk but my intention was not to hit on him!!! I felt her insecurities were getting the better of our relationship.

So a few nights ago and out of the blue; Julie asked me “Out of ten, how much do you like me? I said, “Julie, I really like you so rate it a nine, but you never asked me to rate our relationship. We have other issues such as trusting me”. She told me that I am just too open with people and she feels uncomfortable. She needs proof and then she will trust me.

For some odd reason she talked about her past relationships and made mistakes with her first and second relationship. She hooked up with them for the wrong reasons.

She does tell me that sometimes I can be impatient but she told me that I have a great sense of humor, fun to be around and we have great sexual chemistry. It was a strange night.

So now here is where I need guidance (good or bad).

If my girlfriend does not trust me, why wouldn’t she just break up with me? Isn’t that a deal breaker? If she is not that happy, why be with me?

Why can't she just appreciate things I do for her. It's like it is not enough!!

Perhaps I am at fault here and I am confused. Maybe I just got involved with someone that is similar to my ex-wife!! This is why I had to provide you with so many details about my past. I am hoping someone has some serious insight. I am starting to wonder if I am being manipulated and controlled or I am just being a jerk and not caring enough.

I read your post. Somewhere in there, I think that you mentioned that you wanted to date, in order to find out "what's out there". Did you find out what's out there? When someone tries to communicate the importance of caring, what does that mean to you? And what does that mean to the other person? In your relationships, what is it that you would like to happen?

this all got me, with you paying her bills after being exclusive.

Whew!! I'm worn out from this relationship!!! Why aren't you???? Sounds like you have to try too hard to make it work. She wants to marry you, that is apparent...could she have an ulterior motive? If you know in your heart, you don't love her, it would be only fair to turn her loose and look for someone more compatible and trusting.

Rose3:

Can you for taking the time and read my "entire" story. I did shortly have an opportunity to find "what's out there" but nothing caught my attention. However, I believe that I may have gotten myself involved in a relationship too quickly and should have just gave it time and continue to date casually.

In regard to communicating the importance of caring, I feel they do things for you because they want too but not to take advantage of you. I really like to give but there is a time I believe that you expect something back. Maybe that is where I have my issue.

Not sure what you are asking in your last question.

hannabee:

When you married for as long as I was and then suddenly thrown into the single life, I am now getting to know me. And one thing I realized... I am dependent on having someone with me. In other words, I do care for her but not sure that I am in love with her. But at the same time she is very nice and enjoy her company.

I really believe she is truly not in love with me but enjoys my company as well. My opinion is.. my Ex-wife was not totally happy in the last 4 years of our marriage but as my therapist said, "It was good enough that she didn't want to leave". I think it maybe the same with Julie, she is not totally happy with our relationship but it is good enough to keep.

Now how do I find the courage to let her go? Or do I just enjoy what I have now and perhaps should not think so negatively. She has many good points and sometimes I just fixate on the negative ones. I don't know.

So basically you're staying because you don't want to be alone? It would seem to me that after 7 months with someone, you would know if you wanted to be in a serious, committed relationship with them. This is what SHE wants and if it is not what you want, then I don't think it is fair to lead her on. After being married 25 years and having your wife leave you, it is quite understandable that you would relish the attention that you are now getting, but for everyone's mental health, maybe you should work on making you happy, from the inside out.

Thanks for everyone’s feedback and would like to give everyone an update. Especially Hannabee!!!

Our 1 year anniversary was on Saturday. So we planned to go out for dinner on Friday and then go to this dance club on Saturday. Then on Saturday evening I was waiting for her but she was late. She texted me and said she she could not leave work until 10pm. I asked her if she was hungry and she was starved and I made a really nice dinner for us. She then called me at 11pm and said her day at work was crazy and was leaving now. I told her by the time she gets home, showers we won’t leave until 11:45pm and the drive to this club was 30 mins and it closed at 2am. So I suggested another club which was only 10 minutes away but she was not happy.

She arrived at my house and you could see she was in a bad mood. Her day was hell at work and she was frustrated. I told her that I made dinner and said she was not hungry. So I started to clean everything in the kitchen while she text someone on her phone. She was getting really mad at her phone and started to shake it. It was weird. I asked if she was alright and she just ignored me. I asked her if she needed a hug, which she accepted then became quiet again. I said, well let’s go to the closer dance club and she said sarcastically “Whatever you want”. I then suggest we just stay home and she responded, “Whatever you want”. She sat back down and with her back facing me. I told her that I don’t read minds and if you can’t communicate I am done with this. I told her that I am going outside to have a glass of wine. That is when I checked out of the relationship and wanted her to leave. She finally packed her bags and left. I then went back in the house and locked the door. She tried to come back in again and started knocking on the door!! I answered and she asked why I locked the door? I said you left and I was going to bed. She said okay then she left again.

The next night, she comes to the front door. She apologized for what she did but told her that I was done with the relationship. She said I really wanted to go to the dance club and had my heart set on it. I wanted this to be a special night. I told her that seeing her act the way she did was not what I wanted for a girlfriend or future wife. I told her that communication is very important and when she shut down; all those red flags were raised.

I told her you didn’t even offer money for those Asian shows and she replied, “You never asked me!!, is money that important to you?"

I told her that you are never happy with me and don’t trust me. She said, trust has to be earned.

I said, if you don’t trust me then why are you staying with me? She did not say anything.

She told me that she is my rebound relationship.

She tried to convince me all night to stay in this relationship but I told her my decision was made. Then she said, “Well you are using this incident to justify in breaking up with me!!.” I stayed the course and just said, we are now done. She asked for all her belongings back and walked her to the car and helped her to load her car. I said good-bye and we both hugged each other. As I walked back to the front door I started to cry. I woke up the next day and felt sad and tried to focus on my job. It was hard. Friends and family told me that I made the right decision and our relationship would have gotten worse. She did have a good thing but looks like she wanted more.

All of you have given me insight. I need to be happy with myself first and do not want to get involved with any women. I need to start and focus on my hobbies. I also think that if I give something to someone, don’t ask for anything in return. I really believe I got too involved in a relationship to quickly and should have just been alone when I was separated and then divorced.

And with my current relationship; it should not take this much work!!

I know that I am a good person but sometimes people will take advantage of you. As my lawyer told me when I found out my wife was having an affair and wanted me to pay for her moving expenses, “stop being a door mat!!”

No, it shouldn't be that much work.
Good for you!

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That sounds like such a stressful relationship! Congratulations on being done with it. It's hard to break up with someone, even when you know that you are doing the right thing. I hope you feel better about it soon (and that she doesn't try to worm her way back into your life).

I took a year off from dating after I realized that I was just making one bad choice after another. It was the best thing I ever did. I put a lot of serious thought into 'red flags' and did not date anyone until I met someone who had none of those red flags. We've been together six years now.

Good luck!

Hvert:

Thanks!!!

She did text me yesterday stating she could not give my Roku back this week and she needed some transition time so she could get her own. I told her that I have paid for the Asian channels until mid April so go ahead and keep it until then. And she responded back with, "Thank you that was very nice of you".

It is very hard knowing that I hurt her and still feel a bit sad but in my heart I know it is the right thing for me and her. She obviously was frustrated in our relationship because I could not do enough for her. I really had to figure what I want from a relationship. I then got the answer. I just want someone to appreciate me for who I am and not try to mold me or change me. I am not a bad person and even though I have my faults, I would like someone to appreciate me for who I am with warts and all.

I also hope to find someone but need to take it easy a bit. I heard it will just happen when you least expect it.

I thought I could close this thread but the drama continues.

She wanted to talk to me last night and when I did get home she was at my door. She said that she will change and never react the way she did. She told me that she does trust me and that will no longer be an issue.

I did shoot straight to her and said that I feel that I am a good person with great qualities and if she can't appreciate me for who I am there has to be someone that will.

I did admit that I need to learn when I give don't expect things in return or just don't offer. She will gladly pay for her way on things and never knew it hurt me.

She felt horrible and said she loves me and does not want to lose me. I could not promise her anything but had to think things through first.

So let your advice fly!!!

Well, you didn't once say that you loved her, or even that the sex was incredible or something to indicate a salvageable connection, so I still say you two are not a good match and you should look elsewhere. After the amount of time you have dated her, I would think you would know how you really feel about her, no?

Maybe look into yourself and your background to see why you are a people pleaser. I mean that's all well and good, but in reality you have to do what is best for you in the long term and I don't think that should be getting back into a situation that seems so difficult to make work.

Hannabee:

So let me be honest, being divorced I am not sure what love is? When I was married my wife told me that she loved me and then she had an affair. So am I in love? I guess so. I do care for her a great deal and love to be with her. There are no huge sparks flying like with my HS girlfriend many years ago.

Yes, the sex is incredible and she said that I was her best lover.

Sometimes I believe that I want to the right thing and give it another try because I do care for her.

You are correct, sometimes you cannot always please everyone and need to focus on yourself. If I go back with her, I am not sure how she is "going to change". People tell me it may be short lived but if she really cares for me as she states, people can change.

I'm happy for you that you were finally able to break off this unhappy relationship. I hope I can have your courage to do the same with my marriage.

No amount of advice should matter to you because you are going to do what you want to do. If you think you will be able to make a commitment to her at a future date, then give it another shot. I used to think people could change, but not anymore. Time will tell for you. Good luck!