Meeting partners children first time - sleep over?

Since when do good fathers want to flaunt sex in front of teenage boys? Sorry, but the red flags should be slapping you upside the head by now! And, I agree with the others, YOUR son should always come first and putting him in a room with 2 kids he doesn't even know or like yet, is NOT A GOOD IDEA!!! I hope you realize you can do much better.

why do you need to text this guy your plans and whereabouts all day long? how is that showing affection or care? it sounds like control to me--not affection. doesn't this guy trust you?

also, absolutely don't put your 5 year old in a room with 2 teenagers you've never met before. why not just stay in a hotel? it would solve all your problems.

wanted to add that i think it is a huge red flag the comment he made about putting his needs before his kids. how would you feel, if you all lived as a family, when he starts putting his needs before your 5 year old's?

He says over and over if I loved him like I say I would want to text him more and tell him I miss him and love him . He said if I love him I would just do this simple request . I do feel red flag .

How much time have you two actually spent together? I dont understand why anybody is questioning whether you love each other.

Also, if something is just "a simple request", why is it connected to "you would do it if you loved me." Why isnt that saved for huge stuff? Is every little thing gonna be, if you loved me, you would do it my way? I would love a relationship like that, where everything is my way or the highway!

Time in person humm . Maybe about 6 short weekend worths over year . Yes he uses those exact words if u love me why is it so hard to just say u love me or text etc . It's the one thing I ask and such a simple request .

i think this is at best a compatibility issue and at worst it's really about control. sometimes one person wants a lot more contact, or a particular type of contact, than the other person in a relationship. that is a compatibility issue and one that has to be negotiated if possible. that doesn't mean it is okay to make it a test of one's love. making it into a test of your love is manipulation. also, the fact that he seems to want to know all your daily plans isn't telling him how you feel. that seems more like keeping an eye on you. is he happy if you just tell him how you feel about him throughout the day or does he insist on knowing your whereabouts? personally, either would be too much for me and i'd look for someone more secure in himself who doesn't need constant reassurance.

really though, my main worry would be what i added onto my previous post. i'm not a parent but i can't imagine any parent saying putting their needs first is more important than their child's. that is bad news any way you read it. also, putting someone else's needs before your own desires doesn't mean you will never get your needs met. it means knowing what is more important for your child to have than your own little desires like having your gf spend the night in your room. seriously, that insistence on putting himself first over children sounds like big trouble.

he isn't considering how his 2 teenagers, your son or you feel about the sleep over but only what he wants. the ink is barely dry on his divorce so to think his sons will be fine with this arrangement is highly unlikely. the least he could do is not shove the new relationship, and the accompanying sex life, under his kids' nose. sorry to be so blunt but this man doesn't seem to have much of an emotional clue.

I just tried calling him and no answer as it's 1130 his time so Doesnt look like we are talking tonight about anything .. Which is ok as I've been nervous all day trying to think.

As far as what he wants via texts daily is more so.. I'm thinking of you , I miss you , I love u he says.. But also wants to know where I am as he gave example recently I give him run down in the morning on a sat of plans and then he only hears a text here or there and then come to find out I've been home for hours and he had no idea and what if I was hit by car etc . I said I don't need to text u min I get home each time . Hell night I did not sit barley until hour ago as involved with son.

I'm glad many others agree on the bedroom .. I just really feel strong on my standpoint and his feelings are so diff and take that with what I feel us he is testing me after comment about I'm fading and then comment sat night.. It's just all adding up and has been for so long but the cake topper reaally in the end is our difference in values

Does an insecure person get worse when married to them? We still haven't talked on the phone to discuss any of the issues/ trip etc..from past few days as schedules are not allowing it past few nights...He sent me a text that he wants to come visit next weekend ..we talked about it months back and decision never made or talked about recently..and guess he just bought a ticket. Which is nice and all, but then shortly after I get a text.. I get another saying... well do you want me too? I said yes all is good... be good to see you.. then I get another.. saying "Ok just wasn't sure.. wanna make sure you want me..lol..".. I get annoyed and respond just with "OK" ..then he writes another saying.. "Am I wanted?

I just feel annoyed that he followed up with that comment again to get me to tell him hes wanted.. maybe im just not one to talk someone up enough.

I've never been married, but all my friends and family are...

From what I've witnessed and been told, whatever issues are present before marriage, is only exacerbated after marriage.

Not because marriage is shyt or makes things worse, but because you'res stuck with facing them 24/7... So in my humble opinion, his insecurity will not get better with marriage, but marriage will definitly provide him with a nice platform to push your buttons and control you up close and personal.

For whatever reason you're actually considering staying with this man (I admit I don't see the appeal at all) please realise that issues need to be worked on prior to tying the knot, knots don't make them magically disappear.

Goodluck with everything, I will be bowing out of this thread now for personal reasons.

I think hes looking to pick a fight, but he wants you to start it so he can claim he was nice and you were the b.

i did wonder that.

It does seem that he is rather insecure and needy but many of us are so that wouldn't be the deciding factor, for me, anyway. What seems more important is his ideas that you and he, as a couple, come before the children. That's all good and fine if you had kids together, but you don't. I'm just hoping that you aren't his rebound relationship from the divorce? No one in your situation needs another divorce, especially the kids.

I really think you will need some couples counselling before a long term commitment is made. Maybe you can work through these things with the help of a disinterested party. All I'm really thinking is this dog too old to learn new tricks????

I married a man 9 years older than me and all I heard for 33 years is "you do love me don't you?" Drives me absolutely crazy, but I didn't leave for the sake of my children. Looking back I feel I sacrificed being and doing what I really wanted. Lesson learned albeit, a bit too late for me.

The most important thing for you to look at is will he be a good step-father to my child or will he soon become too jealous and demanding? Only you know the answer. Don't settle! Big hug!

OMG yes they do!! If unaddressed through therapy and/or tons of self work, then yeah...it gets sooo much worse. I could just be speaking from my own experience and over generalizing, but I really believe it doesn't get better, until they want to make themselves better.

That just reminded me of my former sister in law, whom is sisters with my former friend, whom is married to the baby brother of my ex. And she told me, he's [my ex] really insecure, actually. yeah...code word for overbearing and controlling, I came to discover. [and then worse than that....over time, many years, got much worse after I had my third child, not that second pregnancy was any better, actually that time frame he befriended 'her'..i'm digressing]

he has said to me recently.. I don't know how to be in a healthy relationship with someone who head over heals loves me. but anyways he asks today next after the above that I typed.."So you happy im coming".. I respond.. yes why wouldnt i be? He said im just asking if you were.....and then says "LOL - how about saying..im so glad your coming I can't wait to spend time together you are my one and only my everything LOL".. now granted there is some playful sarcastic tone here but .. maybe im just at a point that im annoyed now after so many things..

now hes joking (or maybe not) saying.. see i love u and miss you and you pretend to like u are a hard as-s. I said no i am not..he says.. yes..how about we try nice and sweet.. ..lets pretend your in school again.. class lesson.. use polite words..words that are soothing.. I said soothing? yes says yep..

Seriously I am not crazy.. but my head over all this stuff is making my head spin. I love him for some dam reason but i need to get past this.. this isnt healthy for me.. and he says its ME.. part maybe but its not ALL ME. I know its not.

Who's the girl here??! Its like hes in love with love - he wants there to be more love in the relationship, or to be able to extract more love out of the relationship than he's actually put in yet. I mean, its lovely to be romantic, but it seems like all the romance is happening in his head, not in real life.

So if he wants to come out now, I think its preferable to making future plans, as long as you feel safe having him there. But i wouldnt be suprised if he did pick a fight before the week is up.

I asked him what are you talking about.. he said.. "soothing.. nice soothing words loving caring works..lol"

So why doesnt or would one want to pick a fight prior to a visit? as now that you say that.. the last visit we were actually arguing over something like this.. Hes a romantic he has told me before...believes that is what a healthy relationship is

I hate when guys get needy / horny! Im glad im old! Maybe you should try some sweet talking! I'll block my ears...

LOL that is funny...

What sad is.. i can never tell now the difference when hes being needy as its all the time.. or just hor-ny..

Maybe ask him what he wants to do when he gets there? Try to change the subject.

The sad, and upsetting thing is, Blue, is that he is still doing everything my ex did....using the same words. It's weird, and a little freaky.

Starting a fight? hmmmm could be, or could be he's testing you. Coming to see you unexpectedly? Definitely testing you. And checking up on you. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't believe you. He wants to see, and if he was more certain of you, he wouldn't keep asking if you WANT him to come. He'd know you would. If you did, that is.

Insecurity gets better? Not a chance. It gets worse. So very much worse.

Btw....romantic and controlling are not inclusive. He is NOT romantic as much as he is afraid, and controlling you. He uses head games to keep you unbalanced and if you didn't have all of us here telling you so....you'd be totally unbalanced by now. I know. I was. And didn't have anyone to agree when I saw flags waving.

You do. Remember that.

Take care.