Meeting partners children first time - sleep over?

K..I feel like the disease of the week, but I'll give it one more try and you tell me if it sounds familiar:

So I knew he wouldn't be available (do to work...and time difference) when I got off work. So I told him (via text) I was going to stop off at a store we both were interested in, due to things we wanted to purchase. This was on a sunday. He texted 'ok' and reiterated he wouldn't be available until later after I'd gotten off work. I texted...'let me know when you are, baby and I'll message...I'll have the phone on"....he returned texted 'ok baby, love you'

So I go to the store on the way home but it was sunday as I said, so it closed early. Frustrated, I went home. I took the dog out, piddled around the house...and generally waited for him to message when he was available. About 4 hours later I get a nasty text from him in the order of 'where the f..k are you???'....I'm astonished.

I text back...'I'm here, baby...waiting for you. You said you'd be late'.....etc...the scene was ugly and left me crying and feeling awful. Eventually, it came out he was able to talk earlier but was waiting for me, but because I didn't message him (totally ignoring that HE was supposed to ---by his instruction---message me when he was free) he freaked out.

Except he didn't. He made me cry, he made me apologize (for nothing) he made me squirm and feel like the worst person in the world. And then ...he 'forgave me'....grudgingly....there was always the unspoken, implied fact, that he would never forget.

I didn't do anything. I know that now. I followed 'orders'....he changed the rules. On purpose. I know that now, too. I didn't then. Nearly broke my heart because I thought I'd hurt him so bad, but to him it was a game. How do I know? ....he told me later...much later. He never cared whether I was home when I said I was. He just wanted to see my 'reaction'. As a narc...he was nothing short of honest, later and actually sometimes before, in what he did and why he did it. In this he was a successful narc...he lied about nearly everything but he took great pride in the manipulation he visited on me and others, and couldn't stop himself from bragging.

If any of this sounds familiar............

I would so save you the awfulness that is being with someone who plays headgames like this.....NPD or not.

Take care.

Yes I've had similar example . Last week he was at an outside event with the kids and it was an all day event and he sent me a picture and I responded and I think I sent him a random text when I got home but I didn't text him throughout day as he was at an event and thought id let him enjoy kids . He was angry that night that I wasn't texting him throughout day and he felt like I didn't care. Keep in mind I just got a picture not like he was text either . I figured when home we talk he doesn't think the same . Just like today I texted him my plans . Yesterday I heard nothing from him except the morning until I texted him in evening after work . He says non stop busy all day . I know if I said that as I have he says it only takes a min if u want to make time .

1) you aren't a mind reader. If he wanted sporadic texts while out with kids, he needed to say something. Instead...

2) pouty, guilt trip...if you loved me, you'd make time...if you loved me, you'd share my bed when here on vacation....if, if, if...

(add, around 8 pm, last night...heard back....not one point in the evening was the time difference in texting mentioned....actually now i think of it....my phone has troubles alot...miss texts by hours sometimes and my texts take a while, more so after being at work, the cell tower issues in that part of town...takes an amazing amount of feeling secure, both ends...)
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Ok everyone that has been helping me I think things just took turn for worse and I really think it's just not going to work ., I'm feeling guilty when I don't think I should . So as I've wrote his biggest beef is also me not texting him all time when keep in mind he doesn't tell me all he does . I said I want to try and talk more on phone so each night past week we been talking a little bit .. Now the last talk was thurs when he was extra happy but didn't bring up being upset over my feelings wed and shutting down and giving me silent treatment ending the call . Like I said earlier I was a little more quiet not as talktive and he noticed it . I just was hurt . So yesterday I text him good morning like always and during lunch I text him . Now I heard nothing from him except the morning . Finally hear from him at night after I texted him and he said soo busy as work no time for anything . I was out dinner with son and I said we are finishing up dinner and one more stop and then home for bath and then I'll call u. He says -oh ok.

So I text him around 10 his time and called and no answer so I'm laying on couch dozing so I text him u may be busy or sleep but I'm doozing so if u call and I don't answe sweet dreams..

I fell sleep . He did text good night a bit after I saw when I woke up .

So today I get up early text him good morning an tell him I getting son ready for practice . No answer. I get home around 11amand call no answer. So I text him that I'm cleaning and if around call me by 3 as I'm heading back out . He texts right back he's cleaning and going to dinner with dad later . I said ok cal me when done cleaning . No call. I call him at 230 and no answer. So I text him that I'm leaving now to go to a friends house to a guy friend of 12 years as he's giving my son his Xbox. Been trying to get together for over month but this is first time I have a sitter. He's gonna show me what to do with it and I don't want son see it yet plus after I made some last min plans to go out eat with girlfriend .. I never ever go out as I never have sitter .. Mom took son last min . So I text this to boy friend and he replies ..

Have fun .. First I heard if it

Then says ..Kind of feel like we hit your five day limit again .Not upset just talking out loud here... You were doing do well just feel you have dropped of again fading ghe last three days

I type ..

I just got here in the car still ..I haven't hit any limit .. Thur night I was tired and a little hurt from wed night still I be honest as far as how u shut down and ended our call and was hoping u would bring it back up thur to continue talking about it ., yesterday u didnt text me as u were busy and u weren't around when I layed down and I was doozing .. Today I called u 2x so not sure what u referring to

He types

Your right what was I thinkin it all me ok . Enjoy your girls night . Bye

And that was that ..

Now keep in mind I didn't even know he had dinner with his dad until today but I don't care .

I feel like I slipped up 1 night by doozing off last night and by being quieter than normal thur and now this .

I've been following your thread, and I've read every single post and reply from start to finish without feeling the need to respond as I would just be repeating things other posters have said...

Until now that is...
My response:

I call Major Bullshyt.

Major ******** on his half or mine? I just feel like crap right now .

And I agree....and I also say he is JUST LIKE MY EX.......right down to the snarly comments, and thinly veiled accusations.

Can I say it more clearly???? Dump the b*st*rd....don't just melt away....tell him, his attitude is unacceptable and that the two of you are evidently not a 'good fit'.

And mean it, darlin. He's testing you, and if you continue to feel as you do (because he's made you feel that way....deliberately) it will ONLY GET WORSE.

I promise you.

His...for sure. Just reread what you wrote....reread it a couple of times until the fog of his deceit ceases to make sense. Really. That whole event and text messaging could have been ripped from the pages of my ex and myself.

It actually gave me chills and I admit much much anger.

It was a game with him and is with your bf. Please don't play it. It will go badly for you.........and for your son.

Um, nope, you've done nothing wrong,,that's the thing. He's tracking you at a five day 'shes doing good, watch out other shoe is about to drop' limit? Ooohhh, so 'you',were doing well...what about him?
It's antagonistic. Love shouldn't be so painfully complicated. Nor your need to check in daily. Yes, it's nice to coordinate, but sleep is necessary, being busy happens. If he's unable to fathom you really exist in distance, what would that translate in a more local sense?



If you don't mind sharing, what brought about his divorce?

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Im sorry, but have you ever even met this guy in person yet? I mean how invested in him are you really? Cuz he sounds kind of immature for a father of teenagers. He reminds me of that tv commercial about the bullying boyfriend who is constantly texting his teenage gf. Something seems off. Why does someone in another state have you jumping thru hoops?

His of course!!!

Run lady run, PLEASE RUN!
This will not turn out well.
Not at all.

I feel many of us, are speaking from experience.

Hankster mentioned jumping thru hoops...yes, and that's long distance. Only gets worse local.

I was in court, this week. My ex cannot go into mediation with me due the restraining order from civil court, the no contact order from criminal court...sooo...the probate family court officer in mediation, she and I had some chit chat, while waiting on her computer to unfreeze itself, find forms etc. she said, even had I run a criminal background check on my ex, I still would have, above and beyond love conquers all, naivete, etc. it reflects on personality type. Not necessarily smooth talker, but reels you in, nice and steady, convincing, not necessarily charming, pulls at heart strings...a real wolf in sheeps clothing....

Take a serious good look, at big picture, eyes wide open. If he can analyze you, why not him? If you need help, here's some thinking caps writing here

You could rationalize, but it won't resolve behavior.

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He is someone from high school and reconnected after 20 years .. And yes I have seen him a couple times in my own and he has come out here 2x . But yes I feel like he's watching the calendar ugh .. I was seriously tired . He said his ex didn't show love or take care of kids . He says he did it all . Now I've met his family as 1 x I saw him his family was there as I know them from high school . Family knows of me kids don't . They claim ex didn't care about him and only herself . No clue as I hear second hand . I feel he's tested me by not texting yesterday .. Yes it's hard .. Back in high school I liked him a lot I felt maybe fate we reconnected . I guess not . So is this the passive aggressive trait he did ?

The more you write about this guy, the more I just want to say "RUN." He's counting text messages, he's badgering you into doing stuff you aren't comfortable with (and which doesn't show much consideration for his kids or your kid), he just doesn't sound worth the hassle -- and he's how many miles away? If he's this aggravating long distance, how much worse would he be in real life?

I think I need to .. Sucks I'm so sad ..I'm sitting here second guessing all my actions .. I litterly was so tired last night and I tried to call he didn't answer and I tried 2x today . Was it wrong I didn't tell text him yesterday that mom offered to take my son cuz she has my nephew.. We didn't even tell one on one ., I was planning on telling him my plans when we talked when I tried to call today . And when I texted him this am after calling he responded right back saying he's cleaning and when I asked him to call back he didn't and yet I tried Again but here I'm the one fading ? My head is messing up .

It does seem passive aggressive, on his part. Sure, he's been wounded. Yet, like you say, second hand accounts. It's strange, depending on which ex inlaw of mine, you speak with, you may get conflicting accounts. You may hear, I didn't care OR you may hear I am a wonderful mom and had been a do everything for him wife. Even, to this day.
Now, it is possible, he'd been worn down from such marriage, with heightened sensitivities, that left unaddressed in therapy, could lead to this. Or, he's claimed victomhood, and lays blame without accountability.

No, of course, you didn't do wrong to not explain why your mom took your son, she's his gram!! It goes without saying.

Couples counseling, is another option.

He does need to address a side of himself, no matter. He's pushing you away, however. And your mind is out of sorts trying to pin point your role, which may not be in doing wrong, but entertaining/enabling his insecurities.




D



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Update .. I left my girls night early .. First night out in over year but didn't feel like it so been home reading everyone suggestions and thinking in my head what to do . I didn't text him tonight because I really feel I need to walk away now .. Especially after today's comments from him . It's so hard .. But combo of diff views on kids and his thoughts that I don't love him enough and the over and over fights about it just I don't know are not right and everyone makes sense in opinions . I missed one night of talking in which I did call .. And not overly talktive the other but feel like he was testing all week now where I was trying to make a better effort . I just was tired last night that's all . So I sit here all night thinking and now it's so late .. But around 10 he texts me ... Home .. Shower..

I didn't respond and haven't since his text earlier that he was bothered. For all he knows I'm out with girls still .. But I left the earlier text as if he was upset .

So he writes back and hour later ...

Ok well I give up going to bed night

Now if u new him when he's upset he doesn't write love you at night .

By me not texting back i know it's only adding more fuel and I'm playing a game back but I'm sitting here thinking that I just need to end it as much as it hurts and I don't know what to type back . Maybe I just text him good night and tomorrow I really need to make a hard decision . I hate feeling this way .. All I hoped for this week was to finish our discussion about visit , and be ok with fact I was just tired last night but still tried to call and today even though it was a last min thing be happy that for the first time in over a year I went out to dinner with some girls . I wish the text tonight said.. Your prob still out but hope you are having fun and well talk tomorrow .. I would have been so happy if that is what it said

Update Again .. I went ahead and texted him good night and hope you had a good dinner with your dad .because as I sit and think I'm wrong and should not be playing the silent treatment game as he does . I'm not being any better back by not responding cuz it's just his comment earlier hurt and after everything I'm trying decide now what is next .Now I just need to really decide how to handle this tomorrow or if I even have that chance as he's already upset and fact I didn't text all night probably added fuel to fire more . Great day for my Mother's Day pics tomorrow huh ? That's what my son and I had planned with photographer

I woke up today and see a text from him saying .. Good morning .... Dinner was nice .. Had to throw in the towel waiting for you .

Then wrote in detail all he's doing today ..

Which is confusing and messes my head as that is the very ss me thing I did past days that he's complaining about ..in which he didn't even volunteer the info yesterday .

My complaint alwaTs with him is u get on me about always texting and yet you don't tell me what u do .

It's like that comment about .. "It's always me" never happened .

Yet I'm still thinking and hurt by it .

I'm probably just over reading everything now .. But just realized he didn't ask or say I hope you enjoyed your night out with girlfriend ..just comment I gave up waiting ..

Maybe he's thinking things through, too? Playing silent treatment games does noone any good.
He's giving you, what he wants in return. He's clearly into you. It's a major topic of discussion.
Men get moods too. He mentioned working on change, maybe he's a closet t client?
No need to mull because he didn't give you text you wanted, he gave you text he gave, a text no less.
Sometimes the i love yous take a backburner, until stuff gets resolved. it can mask the discussion.

Are you twotalking,,later???

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Yes would talk later tonight I'm think in as he's out all day and I'll be out too. Yes he have me text your right but I'm mulling over why did yesterday even happen and why do I feel like he was wAtchibg the calendar and I slipped up 1x and was tired.

Say that. Let him know what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship. Relationships are about balance, give and take, not for one party to have an upper hand, over the other.

I feel, even before considering moving in with a person, some semblance of relationship counseling. Especially, when communications regularly break down. Guess what I am driving at, is that if one party isn't on board to sort it out ahead of time, that one party won't be on board, after things get deeper and more complex.

Trust your gut.

Why I know I'm in the midst of a healthy relationship, is knowledge that the two of us, combined have decades of therapy, self work, mindful approaches, commitment to sorting through our wounds. Communication, far from falters. Know who you are getting involved with, before you get too deeply entrenched and your emotions needs to be untangled.

We didnt end up talking on phone last night. He got home late. He sent a couple texts like nothing was wrong. He texted me this morning that he wants to nail down the trip in the fall tonight so its confirmed. My gut says its wrong as we havent even finished our discussion about trip in summer when I was to meet the kids. The stress is eating at me. I think I carry words to heavily.. The text from Sat still eats at me with his comment about "its all me.. " then act like nothing is wrong where Im still holding on to it cuz it hurt then act like nothing is wrong. Maybe im wrong to hold onto things so much but comments like that put me in a hole.

I texted him this morning briefly about my night and day plans and to have a good day.. and I missed typing "I love you" .. I did last night..so I just get a text.. "do you love me because i do very much but you didn't type it??" I do love the guy. but the neediness and all this stuff gets to me. I missed it 1x.