To ask or not to ask that is the question

Tonight I invited my friend Rex over for supper and he always jumps at the chance to come over. Well he called me earlier today and said yea I'll come over, eat and watch a movie. I was looking forward to it all day and made my spaghetti sauce early in the day and was all ready for him to come over. Well about 4:30 he pops in and says can I take a raincheck something has come up I'll call you later. I was disappointed but being the good friend I am said sure that's ok do you want me to bring you some tomorrow to work? He says yes and leaves. Well that just was the icing on the cake today...I have a had a horrible day. Well I talked to him a few minutes ago and he was talking about this girl he ran into from his singing group he was in. I think she asked him out and he jumped at the chance because I know he liked her. So do I ask him if he just had a better offer and went with that? I like him a lot and if he asked me to be his girlfriend I would jump at the chance. It is crushing me that I think he had a date with her and just didn't tell me. last time he had a girlfriend I had to find out from a mutual friend of ours. i had gone in the hospital due to being in crisis and I came home and low and behold he has a girlfriend. I want to know and think I deserve to know if he just had a better offer but also don't know if i can handle being dumped again by him. When he was dating his last girlfriend I didn't hardly talk to him while they were dating...they break up and all of a sudden he starts to call again. I am frustrated and don't know if I should ask him or not.

Jbug

jannie I am sorry hon.

Hello Jannie. Maybe you should just be friends at this point until you know what is going on with the relationship. Maybe he can see you more often than the other girl, and he is just making the most of his time since he gets to see her less often. I hope things get better for you soon, I just hope that you dont deceive yourself into believing that there is more going on at this time in the relationship, than what is really going on. It sounds like you have a friend in this pperson that you enjoy, and hopefully in time things will happen on a higher level, but untoil then there is nothing wrong with just being friends, and then letting things happen with time. I really hope the best for you in the future. Take care sincerely Soidhonia

i know this might sound stupid but does he know about your feelings for him?, by that i mean have you ever told him how you feel about him or have you assumed he knows how you feel

{{{janniebug}}}

Janniebug -- So sorry. This kind of thing can hurt like the dickens.

In my experience, actions such as this friend's tell the story: If he had wanted to eat with you, he would have put you first, but he had another priority.

Whenever I have felt uncomfortable about telling a male how I felt, it has been because, somewhere deep down, I knew the guy didn't want to hear it.

Now, Mellors -- who is a guy, and I'm not -- obviously has a different perspective on this. And there's story after story in books and film where the hidden love isn't unrequited at all. Once confessed, there is a happy ending. So I hope some forums participants who have had that experience share it with you.

Hugs and hugs.

I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel. I sent him an email earlier this year laying out it out on the line saying that I thought he should know how I felt and told him that I liked him for more than a friend. Right after I sent the email he was acting all uncomfortable and I acted like I didn't send the email. Since then I have been acting like we are just friends. Just a few minutes ago we were talking and he is out and about getting something for lunch and I told him why don't you stop by and pick up your supper and he said no. I was like oh yea I'm still in my pajamas and before you can see me in those there has to be a commitment on your part and we aren't like that and kind of laughed. He said yea and changed the subject. I am still so torn and don't know what to do.

Jbug

i think from your last post that you know deep down you will only ever be friends with this man, you said you told him via email how you felt about him, then backed off instead of pushing it further, the poor bloke must be so confused when it comes down to making a decision has to whether you want things to go further or not so has decided on the "lets be friends" route to be on the safe side,

if you want to keep him has a friend i would suggest you stop with the flirtatious behavior (see pajamas), and dont ever use the word commitment in regards to the friendship both of you have

I'm going to sound like an old sourpuss here, but I think it was inconsiderate of him to say he wanted to have dinner and then pop in at the last minute and cancel. Even if this were a male OR female friend of mine doing such a thing, I'd be more than disappointed.

You've made it clear to him how you feel, and he has recoiled. It's clear he does not share the same feelings, and from what you've described, I'm not even sure he is that good as a friend.

I do not buy into the "poor guy just doesn't know how to communicate," etc. He sounds like a jerk that hangs out with you till he meets another girl with whom he wants romance. You deserve much more, and much better treatment.

Have you read the book HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU? What you describe sounds very much like some of the scenarios in that book. While the book is filled with stereotypes and misinformation, there are some basic truths in it also. Such as....a man will make it known to a woman if he wants to be with her romantically.

Patty

is there a female bashing, sorry stereotyping, equivalent of that book for men? it might give me a few pointers

Hi, Mellors,
I don't think the book is male bashing, particularly, and there are comments I read somewhere that men are reading the book as well in order to gain insight when some female isn't "into" them. Basically, though the book is flawed by being too "cute," it IS helpful when either male or female are hoping for someone who just isn't interested in them.
Patty

sorry i didnt mean to hijack the thread, my bad,

the point i was trying to make in regards to my last post was you to much faith in relationship books to make your decisions for you, when it would be so much easier to just ask a man his opinion

without shooting him down at every turn because he is not saying what the book tells you he should say or do

Personally, I read the book with skepticism and objectivity.
Mellors...you sound angry.
Patty

can i just say i am not angry i am amused, you do know that the authors of this book write fiction for a living? does that not tell you something of the validity of any statements made in the book, it does to me.

here is the link to amazon detailing the book in question

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hes-Just-Not...e=UTF8&s=books

actually, the book was written by a guy, so no male-bashing involved. I saw an interview with him on the Colbert Report

all i can say to that is he is a comedian, in more ways than one, and the co author Liz Tuccillo is a tv writer/actress
other than there combined ability to write a good story / punch line, i personally would not put stock in whatever either of them have to say in a book on relationships.

Janniebug...so sorry we got off on this tangent. This is your thread, your question, after all. I need to clarify why I recommended the book to you....I read it two years ago when I was being treated shabbily by a man. At the time of reading it, it was very helpful in giving me clarity which I needed badly at the time. It was also validating in a humous and gentle sort of way.
Patty

Good point -- thanks Seeker.

Jannie, I know you really care for Rex. I'm sorry that he's not very forthcoming in reciprocating romantic feelings for you. I think you should set a standard for the kind of guy you are waiting for -- and it should be someone who earns your romantic feelings, rather than agrees to them.

ditto, ditto, ditto.......