He is dismissive and avoids issues.. help

my boyfriend has a serious issue with communication. he's just come out of a long relationship (20 years) where communication was non non-existent and was one of the reasons it ended.
i try to talk about things that are detrimental to our relation being a success but he changes the subject or is completely vague with a 2 or 3 word answer. Its driving me mad and it really upsetting. I find myself getting really angry about it.
I have also been in a relationship were communication was non-existent and it was awful. I was so unhappy. I've told him this already and expressed my concerns about us not making the same mistakes all over again.

I need some advice

Relationships can't survive or even thrive without flowing communication. It is also important to be heard as well as validated.

Life is too short. Maybe it would be for the best for your sake to leave this relationship so you can open yourself up to a relationship with someone who won't throw those walls and barriers up. You deserve to be happy.

I would agree. You stated that you have already been through this before so why subject yourself to it again. When we make mistakes we need to learn from them. I don't know the level of feelings involved but cut your loses and move on. It'll hurt but way less then after investing years of your life.

In an ideal world, and ordinarily that is exactly what i would do. But this relationship is the best by way of connection. I've never connected with anyone like this. Its probably safe to say ive never had a full connection with anyone ever. Im 31 so im not new in the relationship game.
Part of me thinks that its just old habits. If you do something for 20 years with one person, it must be difficult to break the habit next time around. Right?
Its only been serious since October 2013 but we've had many bust ups over the same subject.

If someone gives up a 20 year relationship instead of changing their communication patterns, the chances are pretty good that the person is never going to change their habit.

It would be easier to accept him for who he is, flaws and all, than to try to change something that is so ingrained, imo.

Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe the 20 yr relationship ended due to non existent communication due to his avoidance of talking about things?

Excuse me but this realllly baffles me

You and he both come from previous relationships, that ended largely due to avoidance and non-existant communication, yet here you are reliving the same nightmare with eachother????

Am I understanding this correctly???

TBH I have no idea what you two are even doing, being together, I would think that in the very beginning of this relationship (because communication is present from day one, it doesn't surprize you months later), that atleast 1 rational adult would go "Wooah stop the car, I know where this road leads..." and exit gracefully.

Buuut, here you are months later and I have to agree with the 2 previous posters...

I'm sure his ex felt like you do about your ex and his failure to communicate, and if he didn't change his ways to save a 20yrs relationship, do you honestly think he's going to do so for a 7 month connection?

Also I'm confused as to how you 2 are nourishing this connection when he refuses to talk about the important bits...

Yeah I have to totally agree with Trippin2.0....how is it you have a 'connection' when you don't talk about things? Is it mostly sexual, cause I could see that, easier than I can that the two of you are connected but don't talk.

20 years is a long time. And 'only since oct2013'? I'm sorry, but I have to concur with the other posters...if you want to continue a relationship with this guy, either drag him kicking and screaming to a counselor (who will tell him exactly what you've told him) or just accept him and the fact he seems to prefer silence.

If this is not acceptable to you (and I don't care WHAT kind of a connection, this would NOT be acceptable to me) then you need to move on before the 'connection' turns into an unhealthy dependence.

Kindly ask the conductor to stop the ride, and get the heck off.

Take care

You cannot change him...he has to have the desire to change and then learn how.

sophiej i'm going to have to ask you what your idea of communication is...
what i mean by that is how do you approach situations that upset you?

the reason i ask this is because it's all about the way the situation is approached, if you are yelling and screaming and throwing things,etc.
you probably are not going to get much of a response.

i will use myself as an example, i'm all about communication if it is two adults sitting down and discussing things in a logical manner, one of my ex's idea of communication was yelling at me like i was a farm animal...i don't have to tell you how much cooperation she got out of that. soooooo..she felt i didn't want to communicate...she was wrong, i didn't want to participate in a shouting match/yelling contest.

so i did exactly what your bf does...i either gave the vague answer to avoid confrontation/ or i changed the subject(or i got real quiet and stopped talking period,takes 2 people to argue!). i don't know if this is the case( i'm sure he knows you a heck of a lot better than i do!) BUT....i have a strong suspicion it may just have a little to do with your approach, just maybe.

i can't imagine if you approached him in a calm matter and said" honey, i have a couple of things on my mind that i think would be beneficial for the both of us to discuss" nice, calm, peaceful..even holding his hand while you are doing this, that he wouldn't respond favorably.

there is an old saying i once heard that goes something like this :" you will get more flies with honey than you will with vinegar"

i don't know for sure if this is the case..but if so..you might want to layoff the vinegar..if you catch my drift.

hope this helps and good luck!

ok, i'm going to try and answer all of these posts, they're helpful. Thanks

The lack of communication is not just in general. Its about things that he knows are difficult to talk about, he hates confrontation. But this is just old habits dying hard.

He recognises that part of the reason his marriage broke down was due to lack of communication. But not entirely, they didn't love each other any more.

trying2survive - There's never any screaming or yelling, we have calm and composed conversations. This is great... WHEN we finally get there. Its the getting there that's the difficult part. I hate yelling and screaming, its so pointless and exhausting. When he knows the answer is going to be difficult, that's when i get the 2/3 word answers, or he'll switch off totally like when you're ex was yelling.... only there's no yelling. It makes me want to yell at times though, very frustrating!

After some talks over the past week i expressed my concerns and he says he understands why i get frustrated when he doesn't talk about things. He said he's just not used to being able to openly talk about his feelings without being scrutinised or being made to feel less like a man. I get that. He said he's going to try and improve so i guess I'll just have to sit tight.
I love this saying "you will get more flies with honey than you will with vinegar"

yeah, you are just going to have to coddle him a bit..it's something new that will take time for him to get used to , just be patient and "use the honey!" hee hee, i think i got got that saying from my grandma, but i tell you what..it's good advice, it has served me quite well in life..indeed!

he spend a long time not being able to openly talk about his feelings so it's a conditioned response, he just needs time and patience..hang in there and i'm sure you will be rewarded! good luck to you guys! i wish you well!