BF pulling away - withdrawing from Paxil - don't know what to do

This is going to be long - I tend to be... verbose. Sorry. Because of privacy issues, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my real life about this.

Try to keep this as short as possible. My BF and I have known each other a year, been dating about 10 months, and "official" about 8 months. It's been the happiest time in recent memory - he's the best thing that's happened to me since my son was born. He's funny, smart, mature, sweet, respectful, just the right amount of freaky in bed, successful, hard-working... I could go on but most importantly, he's comfortable. I can really just be myself with him. I know it's early but I can envision spending forever with him.

So, I'd say this is our first major hiccup. For about the last two weeks, I feel like he's pulling away and distancing himself. I'm sensitive and overreact sometimes so I was kind of trying to keep a cool head about it and not worry too much. He's been working a ton, two weeks straight with I think one day off. And things aren't going well at work, he's the boss and takes everything that's going wrong on himself. I guess that's his job. Anyway, we also have been working opposite schedules so I'd seen almost nothing of him in over two weeks. This is unusual, we usually do something 3-4 times a week, even during tax season which is my crazy busy time and Christmas which is his crazy busy time. I wouldn't think that much of it, and didn't at first, but after a week or so he was calling less and less, responding with short texts, and stopped saying he missed me. I went out of town this weekend with friends and he had originally planned to go but ending up not being able to. I was really disappointed because I had been really looking forward to the weekend to "reacquaint" myself with my boyfriend and get some time to ourselves. But I understood. It was a money issue - he had a bank problem which was causing additional stress on top of his work stuff, I didn't want to stress him out more or make him feel worse than he already did about not being able to go. So Saturday was officially two weeks since the last time we'd actually hung out. I was coming home on Sunday, really really missing him, really really looking forward to seeing him. He texted me Sunday morning, just general stuff about his plans for the day, how was my night, etc. I answered him but never got another response. Maybe I should have kept texting and trying to make plans for that evening, even just brief ones, because I needed to see him so badly. But I have some weird issues with not being answered, especially on text, and my instinct is to pull away more rather than lean in more. So I didn't text him anymore until I was almost home, and he did answer me, and suggested dinner Tuesday. Honestly, I was hurt and pissed. That was two more days away! I already felt like I was strangling without him, how can he just nonchalantly go another two days?! After a couple weeks of increasingly brief and intermittent contact from him, this stung and I couldn't help but think he didn't miss me, didn't care about seeing me. I didn't answer him about dinner. Too hurt and angry at this point.

So anyway, he calls Monday morning. I want to talk with him about all this but in person, not over text or phone. We agree to dinner Tuesday. So he comes over last night, and things felt... off. Awkward. It was probably mostly my fault because I was upset and don't hide it well, but didn't want to bring it up until after son was in bed. Finally, after dinner and kid's bedtime, he brings it up. Amazingly, he admits he's been pulling away, or "distant" was what he said. Honestly, I was pretty shocked that it wasn't my imagination. He says it's because the medication he's been on has been making him numb and crazy. That he feels dead to the world. Plus the stress of work, and he'd been sick, and the bank thing. So he's had a rough couple of weeks. I totally get it. I do. I just - want to see him once in a while, and if I can't, I want to know it's as hard for him as it is for me.

A little background on his medication - I don't think he's ever been on anything before. He started taking Paxil for anxiety (job) about six months ago, mostly because he was having trouble sleeping. Then the doc upped the dose. I still think it's pretty low, like 10 mg. It did its job and tempered the anxiety and helped him sleep. But it effected his sex drive almost immediately. The other symptoms he talks about I didn't notice so much and sounds like they haven't really been a problem until the last month. Because he's been on it six months I'm not really convinced it's the medication that's causing his distance. Anyway, he feels like it's making him crazy and emotionally numb and just "weird". So he stopped taking it, cold turkey, I think on Saturday. I did a little research and the withdrawal from Paxil, turns out, can be brutal. Especially cold turkey. He's getting the dizziness and nausea, and sounds like some emotional stuff too although it's hard for him to describe.

He also mentioned that his job may be transferring him sooner rather than later, which is something we've discussed before but I thought I had at least a year. Now, because of his money problems, it sounds like he's thinking harder about accepting, even though it would almost certainly be too early in our relationship for me to go with him. Neither of us want a LDR, we've both done it before and hated it. So if he takes this job, it would likely mean a break up. And it sounds like he's planning on taking it if they offer it.

Anyway, he apologized for hurting me, and for being distant. A couple of times. And I'm not angry anymore. Now I'm just hurt, and sad, and sad for him, and really worried about him and really really worried for us. He says he doesn't want to be a problem to me, doesn't want to be a burden, that I've already got enough on my plate. I told him I chose him as my problem and I wanted to help him. I get it, because I do the same thing. Having a problem feels like a weakness, so I neither want people to know about it nor ask them for help. I did the same thing a couple of months ago, I was folding under the stress and I kind of pushed him away. He asked me not to shut him out, said that I can't be alone all the time and can't hide from who I am. But now it's the other way around and I'm lost and he's doing it to me. He actually teared up last night - he's never done that - he once told me he'd rather die than have someone see him cry. (His dad was an asshole.)

Oh brother this is ridiculous. Alright, wrapping up. Um, so I guess I'm looking on advice to help him - mainly through this medication withdrawal thing - considering he doesn't want my help. Anybody else withdrawn from Paxil? I actually have but it was years ago, and it was only for a couple of days before I got my hands on some pills. I don't want to push myself on him. Like I said, my instinct when someone pulls away from me is to pull away even further. Just don't want to get hurt. I made him promise to tell his doctor or someone if he had suicidal thoughts, since that can be a withdrawal symptom, I've read. But other than that, I just don't know what to do. I really miss my sweet, loving boyfriend. I worry that he's gone. The person that was here last night wasn't him. And I'm not convinced that all the problems we've/he's been having are due to the medication, since they started so recently. So what is happening? Is he just going through a rough patch? Or is this the real him? I sent him something earlier that I thought he'd think was funny but he responded with "why? because of ....?" which wasn't why it was funny at all... maybe he was just messing with me but I'm also really worried that he's not himself. I'm seriously just considering telling him to call me when he's ready to have me back in his life - because I can't keep trying to help only to be shut down or ignored or whatever. I'm becoming more and more sensitive about the length of time he takes to respond to a text. It hurts and I'm lost. He's out of town now, for another two days. Might see him Saturday assuming I can keep it together and not blow up or freak out between now and then.

P.S. I'm a huge cry baby and it makes having these conversations with him really hard. I can't get out all my thoughts because I'm trying to hard to choke back tears. It makes for not very productive conversations. I cry at really dumb things but I also cry at just strong emotion in general, even if it's not really sadness. It's always been a problem. My ex wouldn't even have these difficult conversations with me because of it.

Oh yeah. When I was withdrawing off Paxil (only 10 mg) it was the worst 2 weeks ever. The zaps, the dizziness, the dry burning lips, I don't even remember what else... the worst was the zaps. I barely went to work. And I just went cold turkey and have been off for a year now. Hang in there. I wouldn't get upset with him right now, it's not just a rough patch - the guy is living in a parallel reality right now.

And he's working like crazy right now. Feel so bad for him. Wish there was something I could do.

Probably the best you can do is be there for him but primarily take care of yourself, like do something to pamper yourself and relax your nerves. It's so nice out these days and all the blooming trees smell amazing! Can you afford a spa treatment or something?

No, I can't, but I do do yoga everyday, and run when my knees aren't bothering me, so that should be good right?

Sure, it can be yoga, or just listening to something long and relaxing on youtube while lying down. Personally, I love stretching, I even have a book about all kinds of stretches. Also, I have a neck massager - yes, I invested forty bucks! :-) They sell these heatable cute cushions for your neck too, they have all kinds of pampering stuff for us girls. :-) When he sees that you're relaxed and calm, he'll feel better too.

Well, I'll try that but I don't know that it will help if he won't talk to or see me...

I know that when anxiety and uncertainty are ripping me apart nothing helps, and I also cry hard... hopefully it will not be long before you resolve everything with him. I can only attest that withdrawing from Paxil cold turkey is indeed a horrible experience, and that when you take it, it CAN make you feel zombie-like, so he got a point there.

I remember that in the first days of my Paxil withdrawal, I was researching what can possibly help the torture. People online recommended Omega 3 fish oils, vitamins and supplements, so I walked into our local Vitamin Shoppe and said to the salesman: MY LIPS ARE BURNING, MY HEAD IS SPINNING AND I FEEL LIKE MY EYES ARE COMING OFF MY FACE. I bought an expensive brand of Omega 3 fish oil. I also got a liquid multivitamin but it gave me a rash, so I could not use it.

Thank you. Trying hard to keep that in mind. Two weeks you say?

Hi Brianna, how are you doing there? Are things getting any better?

Thank you for checking in! So kind of you.

He and I had a long talk Sunday; apparently there were some issues in our relationship I wasn't aware of also it looks like he is most likely moving away in about six months. So I guess basically I have to decide whether I should quit my job and pull my son out of school and move away from my sister to be with him. Right now, it doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise on that.

He seems better regarding the withdrawals, though I haven't spoken with him specifically about that. But his anxiety is really high. He's worrying about his dog escaping if/when we move in together. Okay, I get he really loves his dog it just seems like a pretty minor thing to worry about given we're no where near discussing moving in together... He's been off the meds for a week and a half. So I guess I'll wait until two weeks have gone by to make any major decisions.

It's been a really rough couple of weeks. Was hanging out with him last night, really wishing he'd give me some of the love he was giving his pup. Miss him, the normal him, so much it hurts.

I hate to ask this because you seem to be pretty sad about this right now, but, did he ask you to move with him? It occurred to me when I read the OP that he is, 1)under A lot of stress at work, 2) on a pretty major drug, (the worst experience in my life drug-wise, was coming off Paxil -had Horrifying panic attacks for months after withdrawing) so consider that the drug is having some serious effects on everything for him, 3)sees problems in relationship you were unaware of, that 4) would make him pull away as he weighs job stress, moving because of said job, maintaining a relationship, and likely not wanting to upset your life too much as he goes through this hard stuff.
All you can do is let him know you love him, miss him and will be here when he is able to spend time together. No guilt, no pressure. Be sincere that you want him to take the time and space he needs as he juggles what sounds like almost more than he can bear. You don't want to become something he feels is just one more thing to deal with...right?
What is that old saying? If you love someone let them go. If it is meant to be he will return. He will love you for taking the pressure off in at least one area of his life.
Also, if Omega 3 is beneficial for this, then perhaps try Flaxseed Oil. It is easier for the body to assimilate and has many other health benefits as well. Perhaps you can see if he can get B-12 shots or take a combinations of stress vitamins...the B complex really helps with this.

You sound like a lovely and loving woman.

All the best to you as you work to help your very wonderful man...

Thank you, that was very sweet. I am trying to be there for him however he needs me to but it's getting harder as this gets more painful. I lose my compassion when he's causing me pain I can't understand. Trying though. It's hard to be selfless in the way you suggest when I'm lonely and sad as it is. He did mention he's felt very lonely through all these issues which makes me wonder if I misread what I thought was him telling me to leave him alone.

We've talked about me moving with him before. He's always known he'd get offered a job elsewhere sooner or later, he just thought it would be later. Recently though, since he's heard of this job, he hasn't asked me. It's on my list of "follow-up" questions to ask when we have another talk. Whether he even wants me to go anymore.

I believe he takes fish oil anyway. I'll suggest it if he's still having problems.

I texted him last night "I love you" - no response. And when I asked him about it today, he changed the subject. wtf is going on with him?

It seems he is the only one who can answer that. I'm sorry this is so hard.

I asked him if he still loved me. He didn't say yes. I think it's over and I can't breathe.

Oh darlin.....shhhhhh Don't jump the gun just yet. It could still be the withdrawl....I wish I could help--I know how you feel, but please don't jump to a conclusion that may not be true. Give it a bit...step back a little......We're here for you

So we had a talk tonight. He talked a lot about how he's feeling and I think even more that his anxiety is pretty out of control. I think he's constantly worrying about something, even relatively small things, at least from my point of view. Sleeping terribly. And he just always wants to be alone. So I took nwgirls's advice and told him I'd just step back and leave him alone. Told him to let me know if I could do anything and made him promise to call his doctor Monday. But for now I'm just letting him be. It's heartbreaking, I'm absolutely crushed but I just don't know what else to do.

Told him I loved him, he just said, "don't hate me," I said "I could never hate you," and I left. It's been two weeks since he stopped taking Paxil. Shouldn't it be better by now? I don't know if the anxiety (and I think a bit of depression) is just the normal anxiety issues he had before starting the meds or if it's exacerbated by the withdrawal. I just know he's in a rotten place and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I'm simply wrecked.

Bless your heart, darlin....I'm so sorry you're going thru this and he's going thru this. I don't think there is necessarily a time table for paxil withdrawl...I think it, like anything else, depends on the chemical dependence of the person taking it. It could very well still be affecting him and if he had serious anxiety issues to start with, that certainly could make this worse for him.

Stepping back is the best and really, only thing you can do at this point. Try not to give up. Sending good thoughts your way

It also depends on the dosage. I was taking 10 mg which is the smallest dosage there is, he might have been taking a larger amount.

Well, I think he was on 10 mg too - not 100% sure on that though.

I hope you get through this difficult period as soon as possible. It's nerve racking but I'm thinking the less you do the more at peace you'll feel eventually... let him reach to you out if he wants to, you told him you loved him and he heard you. Remember the Tracy Chapman song "Give me one reason to stay here" - "I told you that I loved you, and there ain't no more to say."

Yeah, I really hope he believed me - because I do. And I really hope he believed that I would do anything I could to help him. I just have little hope for my relationship right now. Feels like too many obstacles in too short a time period. I thought I had finally met the man I was going to marry.

Just a little non-update here: I'm feeling pretty low and lonely right now. My grandma died last night, and that would be hard enough to deal with on its own. But, I have developed anxiety now, I think - my stomach's tied up in knots, I can't eat, my heart always feels like it's pounding - just from waiting on him. It's been five days - and each day I lose some hope for my relationship. I think I'm probably just waiting on a breakup.