[gillybear]

Hi,

My wife has been without a job for closing in on a year now. I make over double the average household income and we have no kids, so money is not really the issue. I worked very hard to get where I am at, and I keep working hard every day. But I enjoy what I do, so it's not that I resent her for sitting at home all day.

The issue is that all I see is this lack of ambition to do anything, all she ever wants to do is sit around and do nothing. It is very hard for me to deal with someone with no ambition or motivation to do anything with their life, much less be married to someone like that!

I don't think I would care if she wanted to do something with a .1% chance of ever making a profit, e.g., artist, writer, etc. or even if she would just be happy to wait tables and get out of the house...just something! I would happily support her to return to school, or whatever she needs, but there just isn't any drive or passion there.

Most of our discussions are small talk. Every time I try and have an actual conversation about feelings/goals/ambitions she just shut downs. It is usually even hard to get an honest opinion out of her about non-personal job related topics. She always seems to just not want to offer up any opinion at all.

Not sure if this is depression, she does not think she needs to see a doctor, we have talked about this already. Would relationship counseling help? I might be able to convince her to go if I go as well. I mean a big part of this could be me, or the way I am handling the situation. Should I see counseling on my own? Divorce?-- not something I think would want to consider except as a last resort, but I am really nearing the end of my rope here. Maybe we have just changed since we are married and are no longer compatible?

I can understand your frustrations if she's not motivated to do anything for herself even if it isn't that you want her to get a job so much. A job is just one thing she could do. A year may seem like a long time in terms of waiting for her to get started but if she has been working all her life and now it's been just under 12 months of not working, it may be shorter in those terms than you might think. She might still not even be used to being at home all the time.

It could well be depression but without hearing her situation first hand let alone not being a doctor I can't say. I will say this from experience related to being out of work and stuck at home. I was out of a job for several weeks not long ago. I had a job but couldn't get there and in every way it sapped me of energy, of motivation and ambition. It was a depressing situation... if it had been a year I surely would have been affected negatively by it.

I'd explore possibilites with finding out if she's depressed, but not only that, see if you can find a way spark some interest in a hobby or something. Bring people around that are mutual friends, get out, do things and such. maybe you've already tried that... but you can't give up on that.

You sound like a good man. See if you can't find a way to break her out of her rut

[namastewoman]

Originally Posted by gillybear

Hi,

My wife has been without a job for closing in on a year now. I make over double the average household income and we have no kids, so money is not really the issue. I worked very hard to get where I am at, and I keep working hard every day. But I enjoy what I do, so it's not that I resent her for sitting at home all day.

The issue is that all I see is this lack of ambition to do anything, all she ever wants to do is sit around and do nothing. It is very hard for me to deal with someone with no ambition or motivation to do anything with their life, much less be married to someone like that!

I don't think I would care if she wanted to do something with a .1% chance of ever making a profit, e.g., artist, writer, etc. or even if she would just be happy to wait tables and get out of the house...just something! I would happily support her to return to school, or whatever she needs, but there just isn't any drive or passion there.

Most of our discussions are small talk. Every time I try and have an actual conversation about feelings/goals/ambitions she just shut downs. It is usually even hard to get an honest opinion out of her about non-personal job related topics. She always seems to just not want to offer up any opinion at all.

Not sure if this is depression, she does not think she needs to see a doctor, we have talked about this already. Would relationship counseling help? I might be able to convince her to go if I go as well. I mean a big part of this could be me, or the way I am handling the situation. Should I see counseling on my own? Divorce?-- not something I think would want to consider except as a last resort, but I am really nearing the end of my rope here. Maybe we have just changed since we are married and are no longer compatible?

please don't give up and leave her...it takes too long to find love again...she does sound like she is going through a type of depression. it must be tough not to have a passion in life, a reason to get up everyday. i would strongly recommend she start volunteering somewhere to meet other people. just please don't leave her...

Originally Posted by namastewoman

please don't give up and leave her...it takes too long to find love again...she does sound like she is going through a type of depression. it must be tough not to have a passion in life, a reason to get up everyday. i would strongly recommend she start volunteering somewhere to meet other people. just please don't leave her...

Agree with you that he should not leave her too easily but your justification for it is the wrong reason. Don't ever stay with someone because it "takes too long to find love again" STay with them because you love them anything less is just not good.

[ChipperMonkey]

I worry that she may be dealing with depression as well. Please do everything in your power to get her help, but understand that she won't start the healing process until she is ready. I'm not saying that you should stay with her indefinitely, rather you can't force her to get better, she must do that on her own. I understand why you are frustrated and at the end of your rope. I have PTSD myself and I know that oftentimes, those with a mental illness must hit rock bottom before they are motivated to start the healing process. Maybe that's what needs to happen with her? She may currently feel no need to change anything in her life because you make more than enough money and there are no consequences to staying home. If the loving route fails at every turn, it may be time for tough love. I wish you the best.

[atomicc]

Hello gillybear, first off welcome to Psych Central!
I'm sorry that you and your wife are going through a rough patch. You mentioned she lost her job last year and I wonder, has she always been this way or only after losing her job? Did you two always have issues like these?
It could be that she feels discouraged from trying anything new after losing her job and she could have become depressed after this change in her life. Only a doctor or psychologist can make this determination, but I do think that couples counseling would be a good idea. Perhaps she will be more open and comfortable with starting to work on what's bothering her if she has you by her side. Good luck! I wish you the best with your marriage.

[mre1976]

Hi There,

I can relate to this posting 100% because I am in the exact same situation with my girlfriend. We've been together for 5 years but only just moved in together a year ago. She lost her job shortly after we moved in together and has since completely given up on looking for another one, and she has 'given up' on life in general. She does go to school part-time only because I really pushed her to do something with her life, but that's a very very small minority of her time, only two classes per week with a very light course load. She has no passion, no energy and makes no effort to improve herself. If I lost my job, I would have to hustle or else we would lose our place.

If I confront her about these issues, she knows that she has them, she says "I know, I have no motivation." or "You're right, I have no initiative" - almost as if she is proud of it. She refuses to get help, I don't think she sees it as a problem, or if she does, she doesn't want to do anything about it. If I talk about it too much, I become the "bad guy" because I'm spoiling the day by talking about boring adult-stuff.

I make enough to pay for the majority of things, but I really am repulsed by the idea that one person, regardless of gender, should pay for their sig-other to do nothing. It is a sign of character (to me) that people are motivated to do something with their lives, and not just be lazy and live off of other people.

Originally Posted by mre1976

Hi There,

I can relate to this posting 100% because I am in the exact same situation with my girlfriend. We've been together for 5 years but only just moved in together a year ago. She lost her job shortly after we moved in together and has since completely given up on looking for another one, and she has 'given up' on life in general. She does go to school part-time only because I really pushed her to do something with her life, but that's a very very small minority of her time, only two classes per week with a very light course load. She has no passion, no energy and makes no effort to improve herself. If I lost my job, I would have to hustle or else we would lose our place.

If I confront her about these issues, she knows that she has them, she says "I know, I have no motivation." or "You're right, I have no initiative" - almost as if she is proud of it. She refuses to get help, I don't think she sees it as a problem, or if she does, she doesn't want to do anything about it. If I talk about it too much, I become the "bad guy" because I'm spoiling the day by talking about boring adult-stuff.

I make enough to pay for the majority of things, but I really am repulsed by the idea that one person, regardless of gender, should pay for their sig-other to do nothing. It is a sign of character (to me) that people are motivated to do something with their lives, and not just be lazy and live off of other people.

I don't have a problem with payng for everything, but only if in some way my SO had something of motivation, and wasn't just doing nothing. It's not about the finances so much as someone without any motivation is just not the right person for me to be with.

Thing is, her lack of desire to change this is probably the biggest reason you should not continue this relationship. It's all fine and dandy for her to admit the problem, but that's only a start. To say "I'm lazy, have no motivation, etc" but be content to remain there says a lot about her character. I'm wondering in your case if she lost the motivation to work at the point where she was finally living with you and knows now that you can actually care for both of them financially.

[brainhi]

Gillybear - 1st I want to say that I recognize your efforts...not many are willing to be so helpful. It's very difficult to live with someone going through a slump...no passion for anything and not showing much passion for the relationship either.

If she has never dealt with any kind of depression before...it may be hard for her to admit it...and keep hoping things will get better.

She is lucky to have you - my x was not interested in my struggle - he was just happy that I was getting help.

Good luck...I hope she reaches out for help sooner rather than later.

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by mre1976

Hi There,

I can relate to this posting 100% because I am in the exact same situation with my girlfriend. We've been together for 5 years but only just moved in together a year ago. She lost her job shortly after we moved in together and has since completely given up on looking for another one, and she has 'given up' on life in general. She does go to school part-time only because I really pushed her to do something with her life, but that's a very very small minority of her time, only two classes per week with a very light course load. She has no passion, no energy and makes no effort to improve herself. If I lost my job, I would have to hustle or else we would lose our place.

If I confront her about these issues, she knows that she has them, she says "I know, I have no motivation." or "You're right, I have no initiative" - almost as if she is proud of it. She refuses to get help, I don't think she sees it as a problem, or if she does, she doesn't want to do anything about it. If I talk about it too much, I become the "bad guy" because I'm spoiling the day by talking about boring adult-stuff.

I make enough to pay for the majority of things, but I really am repulsed by the idea that one person, regardless of gender, should pay for their sig-other to do nothing. It is a sign of character (to me) that people are motivated to do something with their lives, and not just be lazy and live off of other people.

Once the resentment starts building it gets hard to feel good about the relationship again. Like I said to gillybear...if you have not dealt with depression before - or whatever she is dealing with - it's difficult to take that 1st step - admitting this is really hard....plus figuring out how to help yourself - it needs to be done but it is very hard - lots of stigma

The one scary thing about the "money issue" is that people do go through hard times - if you became ill for whatever reason and had to learn on your significant other - you would not want to feel guilty about it.

There should be good "give and take" in a partnership- but if you feel like she is truly taking advantage of you - you will not be happy with her.

[pebbles74]

HI , your story is very similar to mine and my husbands , i havnt worked for 4 years now due to health reasons , i have no interest in anything at all , i never want to go out , and i even avoid family occasions if i can . I can honestly say i hate being this way but depression and anxiety and my own lack of self belief / confidence is what makes me this way , please dont give up on your wife , she does sound like she is suffering from some sort of depression . I hope you can get the help you both need , best wishes

I'm in the same position as your wife. My husband makes enough to support both of us, although it would be nice if I could supplement the income with even so much as a part-time job at minimum wage. That would take some of the pinch off of him, because with my medical conditions generating copays and prescription costs, sometimes things are tight.

The problem is, those same medical conditions coupled with huge gaps in my employment for the same reason make it so much harder for me to find a job than it is for the average seeker. And this, very often, makes me just want to give up. If I get to where the constant rejections are just too hard on me, I may have to take a break from it for a while. (Can't do Vocational Rehabilitation. They've turned me down as unemployable. Twice.) But my husband is satisfied as long as I keep myself occupied. Not "busy work," but doing something that actually makes a contribution. I know the difference, and if I'm stuck with nothing but "busy work," I'm going to lose my mind. If I help our church out in the food pantry, or if I have a craft project I'm working on (I make things that are useful, not mere decoration) or if I do whatever chores I'm physically able to do around the house, then if he can see I'm doing my best, that's what matters most.

[hvert]

I feel like I have seen this from both sides.

When I first met my boyfriend, he was working for a company (his own) in the process of failing. This was right around the time our economy collapsed, so jobs were hard to get. From my perspective, he didn't seem to be looking hard enough. He didn't seem to be doing anything during the day besides read political websites. I figured he was depressed and offered encouragement... to the point of nagging.

A few years later, I decided to take my own break from working. Now I get what he was going through and regret all the nagging I did! After a lifetime of ambition, I suddenly understand non-ambition. We both pay our own way during out non-working times, btw. Neither of us would feel right supporting the other fully.

Your wife may be depressed. She may be enjoying herself. Staying home doing nothing is extremely pleasurable. It's not really 'nothing.' I garden, cook, read, clean, etc.

Have you talked with her about your feelings directly? What is her response when you tell her that you are concerned about her lack of ambition or that you don't want to support her lifestyle?

I would start to focus on your own feelings rather than on her choices, if that makes sense. You can't make her become an ambitious person or the kind of person who wants to do something with her life, but you can figure out how you want to deal with being married (or not) to someone who has such a radically different world view from your own. If you think counseling is warranted, go for it, even if she doesn't.

When one person (whatever gender) loses their job just as soon as they move in with their partner -- that's a really huge red flag for me. You aren't a bad person because you don't want to pay all the bills by yourself. It's one thing if it's a decision that you both have made together, but if one person just flakes out and expects another to pick up the slack - that is very wrong.