Was He a Catfish or Was I Too Insecure?

Hello everyone,

I really don't know what to think of this situation.

The people involved aren't young; I'm 50 and the man involved is 52.

I met John online in May 2013. He lived and hour and a half away. We hit it off right away, and for a few weeks e-mailed and texted multiple times a day. However, do to my insecurity, I walked away three times.

In April of this year, I contacted him again through Yahoo Messenger. I didn't want anything and had no expectations. Sincerely I didn't.

During our chat, he asked me if I wanted to try again. I was surprised. All the times I broke up with him I wasn't nice. I told him we could be friends and see where things would go.

Long story short, we ended up 'falling in love' about a month into our reunion. I had always had deep feelings for him, but never told him. And he said it first.

He never asked me for anything, never money, nothing.

This is the problem; everytime we made plans to meet, and it was only twice, he had a meeting at work he was required to attend. After the second one, only a week ago, I broke it off again.

I'm sure these were just lies. What bothers me, if he wasn't serious with me, why did tell me his deepest secret? He's bisexual.

And why when he sensed I was getting ready to walk again again did he work so hard to reassure me? I am very, very insecure, and I was slowly beginning to trust him.

Why? What was this? I don't understand. I'm hurt and confused. I've read the he might be a sociaopath and/or a narcissist.

Any opinions or insight would be great appreciated.

Thanks.

I don't understand either. It's a bizarre hobby for someone to have, leading on women for no reason. Maybe he's married and just likes flirting? Who knows. A friend of mine met someone online who turned out to just want money -- but it only took a month before the request came.

His behavior was very unkind and he is obviously hiding something. I am glad you found out before you got too involved. Did you ever google him? That was how we found out my friend's 'boyfriend' was a scammer.

Um ... What's a Catfish?

Catfish is the name of a movie about an online friendship a guy developed with this girl -- but she turned out to be a fictional character made up by a much older, married woman. It's a documentary. There are some ethical issues with the movie, but it's worth watching.

So now people use the phrase 'catfish' to describe a relationship where someone online is lying and fooling the other person by pretending to be someone they are not.

Thank you, hvert ...

To be honest...and I'm sorry to say this, and I hope I'm not too harsh...but I think your jump to the conclusion that he was a catfish was to make you feel better because you ...blew it.

You're insecure...you've made that clear. You met him in May of LAST YEAR and he's never asked you for money...you've only tried to meet twice....I'm sorry. I don't see anything in what you've said about your relationship that says catfish and just because you tried to meet twice and something came up, does not mean he was lying...and what IS that????? 'I'm sure these were just lies'????? why are you sure????

He tells you he's bisexual, (which is no small thing to share with someone, especially if you have feelings for them) but you're 'SURE' that his reason for missing the get together (meetings for work) was a lie???? Really???

C'mon! I'd suggest calling him and apologizing profusely, but honestly....you've burned him so many times, I don't think you've got a chance anymore. You would'nt have with me. Only so many times a person gets kicked before they give up.

I really am sorry this didn't work out. If there is something to be learned, perhaps it is to find out a little more about a person before concluding they are out to hurt or use you. In his case, perhaps he should have done so as well, for while I don't think you used him at all....he probably does feel hurt.

Again, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I'm just disappointed for both of you.

Have you video chatted with him? I would make that a requirement before continuing with him.

I don't feel, anyone likes it, when plans are broken. It is disappointing. 1.5Hours away, is considerable enough of a distance, that broken plans do border on deal breaking. Shows a lack of effort.
And without knowing your past relationship stories, this could be red flag enough, for you personally, that it repeated a pattern from others in your life?

Perhaps not a catfish, but his following through on date plans, he blew it. Plans change once, not twice. ..

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I'm confused as to why he's your boyfriend but you've never met him in person? How can you have any sort of commitment when you've never seen him in in real life?

I think this MichG1263 is what we call a "troll!"

Really?

Hmmm interesting...next time, tho the story could use a little work. lol

Hello MichG1263,

Could I ask why you think he is a sociopath or narcissist as there is nothing that you have written above that would indicate such a thing. He sounds to me like a genuine person, he could not meet with you the two times you asked because he was working. Sounds like a legitimate thing to happen. He has not asked you for money or anything else and when you were ready to walk, he worked hard to reassure you, can you explain why you feel he is not genuine? If you decide to get back together, I would suggest that you ask for a photograph and talk on the telephone/skype as the internet can make people feel insecure for obvious reasons. Welcome to Psych Central!

CATFISH. All the way.

So, it would help if this came across more lucid. Possibly you're just timid about the whole thing.

You met him on yahoo messenger?? You walked? How? You never met ? You love each other? And, if so, still? He is bi sexual? Where's the connection?

He's not a sociopath, he's a catfish. Idk, seems like you shouldn't worrying about walking anywhere. Just put it behind you, lesson learned. He sounds like he was bored with his life.

Bottom line. Don't trust him. You deserve a real relationship, and will enter one when you are ready. Don't give up trusting. Just don't trust him. He's a douche, hard.

...I'm also not understanding why any of this would actually bother you to this point...I just genuinely don't get it. The whole situation. Now that I am thinking about it, to say all of these things about him; well we are all mirrors. I believe this, try bringing your thoughts about him inward. All your questions reflect so much of who and where you are much more than him. Again, it seems you yourself are not ready for a real relationship. Self sabotage. I revoke the whole catfish thing. Doesn't really need a label.

I do not think you can ever get to know him or learn what he "is" because you keep leaving the relationship. You contacted him again because you wanted to contact him again. That is a perfectly valid want but would help if you learned to stand behind what you want. If you want to meet him, keep looking for a time he can meet with you until it happens. You leaving because he cannot show up does not say anything about him.