[dilemma-girl]

I don't know whether starting a new thread on this is right way to go. But I haven't been here for a few days 'cos of lack of time and privacy.
I am now working away from my BF. Things went on up and down and hit up when he said he will make things okay and try to behave better. This he said after a particularly good day together and we had a great time together (in all ways).
Now he is caught up with other issues and is behaving completely awfully. Asking me like, why I didn't marry someone else, how I can ask to marry him, that it is okay for him to leave because he had fun so far, etc.
I can't take it. I am keeping it together for my family's sake but is he right to treat me like trash for my past. I lost my virginity to someone I loved but other than that, I haven't moved beyond flirting/second base with anyone else. He says I've betrayed whom I'll marry and I have nothing to offer anyone except a family and kids.
I keep breaking away but I am so scared. The way he says I am not fit to love, that I have nothing to offer to my life partner. All this makes me so scared. To top this off, some people I flirted with have told him that I have had sex with him. He says that all guys keep telling it to him and refuse to believe me. I am dying inside hearing all this. I am so terrified. If I leave him, I am worried as to what will happen next, who'll say what.
My ex whom I loved a lot behaved the same way and left me for someone else. Now I keep fearing my BF will do the same and just leave me in an emotional mess. I am so scared

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by dilemma-girl

I don't know whether starting a new thread on this is right way to go. But I haven't been here for a few days 'cos of lack of time and privacy.
I am now working away from my BF. Things went on up and down and hit up when he said he will make things okay and try to behave better. This he said after a particularly good day together and we had a great time together (in all ways).
Now he is caught up with other issues and is behaving completely awfully. Asking me like, why I didn't marry someone else, how I can ask to marry him, that it is okay for him to leave because he had fun so far, etc.
I can't take it. I am keeping it together for my family's sake but is he right to treat me like trash for my past. I lost my virginity to someone I loved but other than that, I haven't moved beyond flirting/second base with anyone else. He says I've betrayed whom I'll marry and I have nothing to offer anyone except a family and kids.
I keep breaking away but I am so scared. The way he says I am not fit to love, that I have nothing to offer to my life partner. All this makes me so scared. To top this off, some people I flirted with have told him that I have had sex with him. He says that all guys keep telling it to him and refuse to believe me. I am dying inside hearing all this. I am so terrified. If I leave him, I am worried as to what will happen next, who'll say what.
My ex whom I loved a lot behaved the same way and left me for someone else. Now I keep fearing my BF will do the same and just leave me in an emotional mess. I am so scared

Ok, to start with, STOP beating yourself up!!!!! You are NOT the only person to lose their virginity to someone other than the person they happen to be with right now. Your bf has absolutely no right to put you down, look down on you, tell you that you have nothing to offer etc....in fact I would say HE'S THE ONE WITH ZERO TO OFFER. I mean it...he's acting like a real ***-hat!!!

Is it your bf who is telling you 'people you flirted with' are telling him you had sex with them? Is it the 'people' telling you? or your bf telling YOU that's what they said. Because if it's your BF telling YOU...then drop it in the bin where it belongs cause I'd bet the farm he's lying to you, to try to make you feel worse about yourself. Honestly, I can't see the same people you flirted with, taking you aside and saying, "oh, btw I told your bf you had sex with me." I mean....really? Who does that???? Exactly...NO ONE DOES THAT. So I seriously suggesting that in addition to you bf acting like a ***-hat he's a lying ***-hat.

Lastly, and this is to address your obvious self-esteem issues that your bf is not only NOT helping but if anything, he's using against you. Did it occur to you that the reason you're even with this current type of bf is because of the previous abusing bf? The one that left you? Unfortunately, when we are abused (and I have been) its easy to lose sight of the fact we deserve better, so the next jerk who shows up and realizes we're hurt, has no problem winning us over, and then the next thing we know...we're with the exact same kind of idiot we just managed to survive before.

IMHO you need to kick THIS bf to the curb, and then work on yourself....find the person I know you remember you used to be before jerk bf #1 and jerk bf #2. You have a LOT to offer a MAN who can appreciate you....value you for the wonderful person you are, love and care for you as you deserve.

Seriously. Either get away from this guy, or kick him to the curb. My choice would be the boot. He totally deserves it.

Take care

[dilemma-girl]

Originally Posted by waiting4

Ok, to start with, STOP beating yourself up!!!!! You are NOT the only person to lose their virginity to someone other than the person they happen to be with right now. Your bf has absolutely no right to put you down, look down on you, tell you that you have nothing to offer etc....in fact I would say HE'S THE ONE WITH ZERO TO OFFER. I mean it...he's acting like a real ***-hat!!!

Is it your bf who is telling you 'people you flirted with' are telling him you had sex with them? Is it the 'people' telling you? or your bf telling YOU that's what they said. Because if it's your BF telling YOU...then drop it in the bin where it belongs cause I'd bet the farm he's lying to you, to try to make you feel worse about yourself. Honestly, I can't see the same people you flirted with, taking you aside and saying, "oh, btw I told your bf you had sex with me." I mean....really? Who does that???? Exactly...NO ONE DOES THAT. So I seriously suggesting that in addition to you bf acting like a ***-hat he's a lying ***-hat.

Lastly, and this is to address your obvious self-esteem issues that your bf is not only NOT helping but if anything, he's using against you. Did it occur to you that the reason you're even with this current type of bf is because of the previous abusing bf? The one that left you? Unfortunately, when we are abused (and I have been) its easy to lose sight of the fact we deserve better, so the next jerk who shows up and realizes we're hurt, has no problem winning us over, and then the next thing we know...we're with the exact same kind of idiot we just managed to survive before.

IMHO you need to kick THIS bf to the curb, and then work on yourself....find the person I know you remember you used to be before jerk bf #1 and jerk bf #2. You have a LOT to offer a MAN who can appreciate you....value you for the wonderful person you are, love and care for you as you deserve.

Seriously. Either get away from this guy, or kick him to the curb. My choice would be the boot. He totally deserves it.

Take care

He tells me that people are mocking him for being with me, and giving him sarcastic looks/grins when he passes by them. Basically, whenever we are away or we have sex when I am uninterested, he says these things or asks me why I lost my virginity and that I should go back to my ex. If we have a great day together, he praises me to heaven. He says that he can't face those people and that I am a city girl who never cares for others, but he is so in love with me that he can't leave me.
I just love him and every time I try to leave, I find myself unable to .
I sometimes wish that he will make a mistake and just leave me by himself just as my ex did (my ex cheated on me and it made things easy to breakup).

I'm going to try and say this as gently as possible.

Honey, pack your bags and get away from this narcasistic creep as soon as you possibly can. Anything, anything has got to better than living with someone who constantly puts you down.

Where is it written that you have to have a man in your life? Maybe this would be a good time to take a break. Do what you want to do for a change. And this virginity carp? What century is this guy living in?

Men like this do not change. Let me repeat that. MEN LIKE THAT DO NOT CHANGE. EVER. There is nothing to be afraid of. There is a great big, awesome world out there for you to explore. Don't sacrifice your youth for an existence with someone who obviously doesn't even like you, let alone love you. And **** what other people say. Those people aren't there when you are crying alone in the bathroom.

You did not say if there has been any physical abuse yet. The verbal abuse comes first, when they are trying to rip your soul to shreads to make them feel better about themselves. Then comes the physical abuse.

So please consider leaving this jerk before you allow him to hurt you anymore. Maybe even talk to a therapist and see about doing something to raise that self esteem he is trying to destroy.

GO PACK RUN LIVE LOVE BE HAPPY

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Harsh as it was said, I entirely agree with waiting4! The guy's a bellend, and you clearly deserve better.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by dilemma-girl

He tells me that people are mocking him for being with me, and giving him sarcastic looks/grins when he passes by them. Basically, whenever we are away or we have sex when I am uninterested, he says these things or asks me why I lost my virginity and that I should go back to my ex. If we have a great day together, he praises me to heaven. He says that he can't face those people and that I am a city girl who never cares for others, but he is so in love with me that he can't leave me.
I just love him and every time I try to leave, I find myself unable to .
I sometimes wish that he will make a mistake and just leave me by himself just as my ex did (my ex cheated on me and it made things easy to breakup).

First of all, sex when you aren't interested isn't lovemaking, it's coercing and frankly it's about a power trip, control, etc. Then after he's thru finishing with you, he mocks you and degrades you. This isn't love!

Second, hoping for him to end it, is wishful thinking. So long as he's got you to use, misuse and abuse, why would someone like this need to leave..

The power belongs in your hands.
Tell him No and goodbye.

Then find a good therapist to work through the victim trauma.

You can do this! !!


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[dilemma-girl]

The past few days have been scaring me no end. He behaves so irrationally that I feel so scared. I am scared as to what he might do to me but I've no one to seek help from. My parents in their own worlds are looking for a groom for me. I really wish to find a way out of all this without ruining my life altogether. On one hand, they seek family honour etc. On other hand he is beating me up mentally day by day. I really do wish to find a way out of all this. I am scared I'll permanently ruin my whole life by taking the worst decisions of my life There is no way to find a therapist here as I live with my folks and I really couldn't explain anything to them which is why I am pouring my heart out here. Spent about an hour crying in the shower today and yet no one notices my puffy eyes behind my smiling façade

[asheepywolf]

I just read your thread and honestly right now I'm so torn up my self I feel like I'm not even...a person really.But I can tell you to be strong, and even though I don't know who you are, you're worth it.

Hello dilemma-girl. I totally agree with the previous posts. Getting separated from him is a top priority. I agree that he's a leech who's feeding off you, and I'm very sorry if I'm being harsh. Are your parents okay with this? Do they care more about honor than you? I'm not thinking that your parents hate you, but if they're pushing this relationship even if they know what's going on, they're enablers. That's very unhealthy! Neither is it honorable. I think they already lost the honor of keeping their daughter safe if they know about how this relationship is. Sadly, only you will end this relationship. I recommend to get help wherever you can. If you're living on your own, this relationship will be much easier to break.

[dilemma-girl]

Originally Posted by Breezy~Day

Hello dilemma-girl. I totally agree with the previous posts. Getting separated from him is a top priority. I agree that he's a leech who's feeding off you, and I'm very sorry if I'm being harsh. Are your parents okay with this? Do they care more about honor than you? I'm not thinking that your parents hate you, but if they're pushing this relationship even if they know what's going on, they're enablers. That's very unhealthy! Neither is it honorable. I think they already lost the honor of keeping their daughter safe if they know about how this relationship is. Sadly, only you will end this relationship. I recommend to get help wherever you can. If you're living on your own, this relationship will be much easier to break.

My parents are actually unaware of this. They are looking for an arranged marriage - which I really cannot go through at least for now. If someone whom I knew as a friend before falling in love can put me through this, I can't really think of a marriage or relationship anymore as such.
It really is much difficult to get away from him. One thing is, when I do leave, he makes me feel so bad about myself for being unable to "commit to one person" so I end up taking back my decision. Another thing, we have no choice but meet regularly - there is no way out of that.

[asheepywolf]

Hey, I didn't get the chance to thank you yesterday, so first off thank you. Secondly I have tried to understand your situation completely but I came in on the discussion a little late. What I can say is, don't ever, ever settle. If you're unsure or unhappy then don't do a Damn thing you don't want to. As I have told others, you deserve and reserve the right too be HAPPY, truly happy whatever that may be. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and if you have to stand up and scream it at the top of your lungs that you're done listening to others. Then by all means, do it. Be strong, and I'm here if you ever need to talk.

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[dilemma-girl]

Thought that the weekend was bad. But this is getting more and more worse. Is it ok if our BFs makes us have sex because we aren't virgin any more? He saw this girl who hangs out with every new guy she comes across - I sound judgemental on her but just explaining here. It is up to her. Her and her life. He sees her and says that she reminds me of her and yells at me - says that I am the worst girl. Since we've no choice but meet regularly, really hard to leave him. I know that it is like - "suck it up, be strong, leave" - actual implementation of those words is the hardest thing ever.

[asheepywolf]

Hey dilemma would you mind private messaging me and letting me know the full situation. Im kind of lost, you don't have too of course but id love to talk to you more about it, and if you don't mind ill let you know whats going on with me

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[dilemma-girl]

I am sick of being called a bad and worst person Don't know when I am going to have my next public breakdown