How can you tell when someone is just being nice and not sincere?

Recently my self-esteem took a beating since some you know what told me that she was only humoring me since she felt sorry for me for having a lack of friends and that I was weird, inappropriate, etc...

I know that not everyone is going to like or accept me, but that has not been the first time that someone has been fake nice to me. Over time a few acquaintances have talked behind my back and have called me "weird" and "crazy" behind my back, ugh! I was never anything but nice to all of them. I did end up defriending them after I heard about this of course!

Anyways, thank goodness that I never got to close to them. The problem is that I've struggled with depression and social anxiety since I was a teenager. I think that a lot of people don't want to waste much time on someone who's shy and quieter than most people. I've even heard some of them say that in the time that it takes to try to get a shy person to open up, they can be making ten new friends instead. Ugh!

I'm not super shy. I'm friendly and I'll talk to just about anyone who seems nice. I hate making the first move though, but I can if I have to. I just suck at knowing how to read people. There have been to many times when other people have told me let's hang out again, and then they never call or email me back. So, how can you tell when someone is being sincere and when they're just being fake nice just to be "polite"?

Is there any sure way to tell? I tend to take what people say literally. I'm not the best at reading social cues and body language. Tomorrow I'm going to meet a bunch of new women in a small group setting & I'm nervous about it. I sure don't want anyone to be "nice" to me just because they feel sorry for me, or that they feel obligated to just be "polite" as to not make themselves look "rude".

So how can I tell when people mean what they say and when they're just full of it and fake? Sometimes it takes me a long time to figure that out and by then I ended up wasting to much time on them and I end up feeling stupid since I ended up trusting them more than I should've! I'm so sick of getting hurt by these phonies! I'd really appreciate any advice! If anyone has any stories to share, or if you can relate to it in anyway, then I'd love to hear it!

I think by being nice, we find out if there is more for us in meeting someone than that. As long as there is no malice, I think we need to (for our own self-worth, and safety) presume the other person has reasons that likely have nothing to do with us. (don't know why, but the song Lydia and Dave by John Prine popped into my head, it is a serious/thoughtful song about two people far apart who are suffering the same loneliness----written a long time ago, I can recall an occasion when there was an audience member who did not "get" the sincerity of the song (or was uncomfortable) and laughed---the audience quickly shushed him down.)
In order to make friends we do need to be vulnerable, able to laugh, cry, enjoy, and grieve. People come and go---and you really never know when someone feels about you as you may feel about someone you want to know better.
I have a friend/acquaintance of many years, and mutual respect; who once said to me (about my then husband and myself) "R. and I tried so hard with you guys, to be friends." I felt mortified because I didn't "get" it---I somehow thought I had tried...but over the years, I can see what she meant. They invited us to dinner, to parties, we did go (mostly) but we were not comfortable enough in ourselves to invite them back --- to return the favors---
...and other things. But, now is now, and I am glad for the friendly acquaintance status, wishing, at times, I had known better back then...I really didn't think I was someone anyone like these great folks would want hanging around...
I have learned to take what comes, let go as I must.
Some of this, I am sure, is related to the transitional nature of our culture/society/not growing up in small towns for generations/or even city neighborhoods of similar duration where proximity makes for connections.

--------------------------------------------------------------
I get most of what you said. I guess that's just the way that some people were brought up. Some people just have different communication styles. I expect people to extend invitations to me after I make a few of my own, so I get what you're saying. I only do that with friends these days.

What I'm talking about mostly is those people who say let's get together again, or email me, so I do and I get no response back or some response such as I'm busy now, but I'd love to sometime. Then they never respond back to me.

So, why can't people just mean what they say when it comes to those things? If you don't want to hear from someone again, why not just say it was nice to meet you and leave it at that? And why not just ignore someone's response if you have no real intention of ever wanting to talk to them or see them again?

This is what I don't get. It's irritating, rude, and annoying. Because of this I have not tried to make any new friends in awhile, but I'm going to start trying to do so again. Is there anyway to tell when someone is interested in talking to you again or not? If so, I'd like to know. I can read obvious social cues, but not the more subtle ones.

Some people that have stuck me as being sincere and friendly at first have ignored me after I tried to contact them one or two times. I don't do or say anything inappropriate that I know of btw such as asking them invasive or overly personal questions, so I don't know why I'm constantly getting the "polite" brush off.

The only thing that comes to mind is that maybe I might talk about somewhat personal issues that are bothering me at the moment. So I'll have to work on that and keep learn to keep things light hearted until I get to know people a lot better.

Sweetheart, I wish I had an answer to your "million dollar" question, but I don't really know. I am EXTREMELY pessimistic when it comes to trusting anyone to be real! It seems like the hardest language for people to speak these days is the Truth. I always assume that everyone is flawed in some way, and then I try to determine whether or not I can deal with them or not. Some people are so transparent that they're easy to see through, others are really gifted liars and harder to read. The most honest people among us are the hardest to find in my opinion, and are a rare and dying breed. I don't have allot of friends myself because I don't trust many people, and because I have enough of my own baggage & the ones I TRIED to be friends with always came with their drama and was just too much for me to handle! I wish you the best of luck!

I think the way you tell whether or not people are sincere about wanting to get together or hear from you is their follow through! If someone says 'let's get together sometime' and you suggest a specific time and place, but hear nothing in return... then I would give them 2 chances and then move on to the next person. If they change their mind or their circumstances change, they can contact you.

I think you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find friends you click with. On another message board I am on, someone said that she has four misses for every 1 hit friendshipwise, which sounds about right to me.

I would really not take these things personally, if possible. Sometimes the timing is just wrong. A potential new friend emailed me a couple of weeks ago about getting together and I still have not gotten back to her because I've been too busy -- and now I am embarrassed that it took so long, which makes it even harder to contact her!!

Personally I don't trust anyone. I know your gut feeling is never wrong. The problem is it's very hard sometimes to follow that gut feeling. There really is no way of knowing?

Hi Sorceror 666, my take on it is that it's really hard to tell when someone doesn't like you. However, even if you're nervous, the other person usually is as well and may still want to be a friend. I personally like to keep a guard up, although a friendly one, until I can get to know the other person better. That way if they let me down, I can just move on without any grudges.

There can be a thousand different reasons a person doesn't want to be a friend, so it's never good to assume a reason that they don't like you personally. For example, I've cut myself out of possible friendships in the past because I'm so anxious about making friends in the first place. I was just so worried they wouldn't like me that I continued to ignore them and hoped they'd forget about me. Some took it well, and some took it badly. I think when you run into someone who thinks little of you or doesn't want to be a friend, I think it's best to move on and put it behind you. Consider them one more person you had to go through to find real friends.

don't trust anyone until they have earned it..as simple as that.90% of people you meet are full of ***** these days , period.

i used to give people the benefit of the doubt, i don't do that any more..i have been burned too many times.

yes there are still good people out here but they are few and far in between.

1. first time someone doesn't back up what they said...they showed you who they are.
2. people that only call you when the want something/need something..big red flag.
3.in my book now.you are phony until proven otherwise.
4. if someone really wants to be your friend, they will make it a point to talk to you..spend time with you & make plans with you. they will want to talk to you on the phone..see you in person and do things...texting and e mails are so impersonal, it's a shame talking on the phone seems to be a dying art. e mails and text are control mechanisms( i'll be bothered with you when i want to/it's convenient for me/i have nothing better to do,etc. true friends will talk to you on the phone, see you and do things with you.

5. they don't call..fugettaboutit! e mails are for business purposes and people not on a personal level..aquaintences/business partners and not FRIENDS.

about the shy thing..pay it no mind, i'm not shy at all and i meet people easily, if you meet "10" new friends in two months you'll be talking to one of 'em, so So WHAT! i would rather have 1 real friend than 10 "people" i know.

i know hundreds of people but i talk to,associate with very few..some people want friends just for the sake of saying they have them..ask these people for 50 bucks and you will quickly find out how many REAL friends you have!

--------------------------------------------------------------
I agree with everything that you wrote! We all have our flaws! Some people are somewhat transparent, but wow, some people are do adept at lying and putting on an act, that they could win an academy award for their acts, ugh!

Honest people are harder to find than ever! And we are a dying breed! Especially in this mostly me, me, me society. I don't trust to many people either. This is why I don't have many friends. Some people are to much to deal with!

-------------------------------------------------------------
That's good advice. Action does speak louder than words! So I try to go be that much more than what people say these days. It's good to know that I'm not the only one dealing wit these issues! As for giving them more than a few chances, well, I think that two is my absolute limit. After that, if I don't hear from them, then it's best to move on.

As for that new friend of yours, you can still email her and tell her that you've just been super busy lately and suggest getting together soon. Just apologize and if she accepts, great! If not, oh well, at least you'll know better than to wait to long before contacting someone again.

I know what you're going through as a few women on a social networking site showed interest in meeting me, but I still haven't contacted them back since last year, so yeah, it is embarrassing! I'll still email them back though soon even though I made a horrible first impression! Maybe some people are more forgiving and understanding than we might think they are, so it's worth a try, right?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't trust most people in general, but I do try to give most people the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to be alone and lonely forever. It is hard! I'll just have to trust my gut feeling more.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
You're right about what you said. I have not always had my guard up enough in the past. I let it down to soon, and that's how I got burned a few times- Some people don't like it when you open up to soon to them. To them it's weird or inappropriate I guess.

I never thought that I really crossed any boundaries though. From now on, I'll put up a guard but still be friendly until I get to know other people better. I'm always anxious about making new friends too, but I figure if they don't end up liking me, I have a bad habit of blaming myself for things. I try not to though. To make friends, we have to take risks. Sometimes those risks pay off, and sometimes they don't.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, you hit the nail on the head with everything that you said! I know that action speaks louder than words, so when someone's words don't match their actions, then I know that they're lying and that they don't mean what they say!

As for emails, I agree, they are to impersonal! So are texts! I'd much rather talk to someone on the phone! It does seem that there are a lot of full of it people out there these days who will only be there for you when it's convenient for them. Real friends are getting harder and harder to find!

I'd much rather have only a few real friends than a lot of aquaintences or fake friends too. As for the money issue, I know that some people refuse to loan money to anyone since they end up never getting their money back, so they make it a policy to never loan money to anyone again.