I'm a bad person..

I DON'T have Autism or Aspergers!

I have been friends with a boy with high functioning Autism for about a year now. I had no idea that he was autistic for a long time. We used to hang out in town and sit by each other at lunch. He was funny and it was nice talking to him. Let's call him X.

I didn't get to know him on a personal level until about the past two months. I've been going through a lot emotionally. I went to him for advice. A lot of my problems, at first, revolved around the fact that I can't feel anything for anybody. No crushes or anything like that. I used to get a new crush every week, I hadn't felt any thing for anybody in months. Also, caring for my family and friends diminished too.

Anyway, he told me about his Autism and gave me advice on my problems. I thought that I had a crush on him. I was so desperate to feel, and I just really thought that I liked him. I told him, and he was pretty sure that he liked me back. He said that his Autism causes him to doubt a lot of things though.

I went to a park with X and we talked a little. We had spent a few weeks communicating just online because he was out of the country. It was very nice talking to him and I wanted to see him again.

Seeing X in the park was the first time I left the house in a LONG TIME. He was the first person I'd seen in weeks.

But then, a few days later, I went to see the fireworks in my town. I was with X and about six other friends. We stopped at this little hang out spot, and he started a game of pool. I really didn't want to play pool, so a few of the people in the group stayed and a few left. I left, without X. I didn't think much of it. I had been having a good time, and didn't really think much of leaving him behind. I still cared about him. This was like 7:30.

At around 9, the fireworks were about to begin. I was laying about 4 blocks away from the hang out spot on a blanket by the river. I was with a really cute boy, and my best friend. My friend, we'll call him R, got a text from X. X wanted to know where we were. R doesn't like X and didn't want him there. But.. I kind of realized, I didn't want X there either...

I would rather be cuddled up next to a hot boy than being weighed down by X. I felt so bad.. why was I feeling like this? Isn't that shallow?

At the end of the fireworks, X finally found us laying by the river and said, "Thanks for ditching me," and walked away.

He texted me frantically that night, he was very hurt.

Then I realized I didn't have feelings for him. I was just really confused, and he was the only person I had been talking to.

I was the only girl that has ever "liked" X. He's never even held a girl's hand. Now he constantly messages me. I really.. don't ever feel like answering. It's bothersome. I told him that I just care about him, it's not so much "liking" and he understands that.

But he still constantly talks to me. He's not a bad guy.. he's a good person.. but I feel like he's really attached to me and it makes me uncomfortable.

I feel like I brought it all on myself.. I thought I liked him! I really did.. but turns out, I don't.

I don't want to hurt him, but I really don't know what I could do or say. I would prefer if I felt normal talking to him, but I don't. I always feel uncomfortable. He always wants to Skype or Snap Chat and I always make up an excuse.

I feel like such a bad person..

I don't know what to do or why I feel so uncomfortable by his friendship..

Ugh. I was "X" once.

Blehhhh.

I'm sorry.

I have no advice for you and hope I didn't upset you. Its not your fault you don't like him.

Like Phaset said, I was X once.

The only advice I can think of, largely to help him out, is to be honest. Tell him you're not interested in him (either 'in that way' or 'at all' whichever fits best to how you actually feel).

We don't pick up on a lot of the signals that NTs do, so ignoring him or making up excuses to not chat right now may not tell him you're not interested. Especially if he's never really had any sort of relationship of this nature in the past to draw insight from. I know from experience how easy it is to misunderstand things when people use the wrong words. An actual ex of mine told me they needed "some time for themselves to think about things" and because I have AS (which I didn't know at the time) I took that literally and didn't realise for more than six months that we'd actually broken up. The fact I was made to feel like an idiot hurt a lot more than it would have had they actually just told me they weren't interested any more in the first place.

Awh.. I really understand what you're saying.

I really don't want to hurt him and I definitely don't want to make him feel like an idiot.

I appreciate your response.

Exactly. Why not just shoot straight with him from the beginning? Why all the build up giving him false hope and then WHAM you ditch him for a cute boy (who is in all likelihood a scumbag anyway)?

It's amazing how everyone dances past the fact that he was just used and then discarded, like an old rag. Why does everyone think people with autism are OK to just be hurt and used, they have no feelings? Neuro-typicals would never do this to another neuro-typical, oh no, but to a guy with autism, yeah sure, why not? I mean he is a monster/machine anyway, he won't feel anything, right? Wrong! We are just as much human as you are! The worst thing about it is, we get hurt by others constantly and then on top of that mother nature gives us a condition that does not even allow us to express how much we hurt, we have to suffer within ourselves, because nobody else understands.

The truth here is that like with all of us with autism, nobody else could be bothered enough to treat us with respect and dignity like a normal human being, just because we're different. And, when something "better" comes along, it's straight to the scrapheap with us. Never mind all that happened before that.

I just hope one day when you realize how good a guy X really is, and how much of a loser R is, that X will perhaps find it in his heart to forgive.

This type of story is exactly the reason why I have decided to never even attempt having a relationship. The exact same thing will happen to me, and I know it.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to sit here and watch everybody tear this guy (X) apart, just because you fail to understand him. All "crime" I can see that he "committed" was to be there for you in your time of need. Now all of you sit here and say "ugh, argh, o gross...etc. etc. I can't stand X, I've been X, X is a loser, blah blah blah". That's ridiculous. The next thing you'll probably say is "Oooh, help, X is stalking me!"

But that's OK, one day when R, the oh so cute, popular, womanizer lifts his hands to you and slaps you around or whatever, or tells you "Hey! Get the hell out of my life!" and drops you for a cute girl, then you'll know what X felt. And, don't say "Oh, there's nothing going on between me and R" I know that you wish there was, just like every other girl does. I don't even have to meet him to know what kind of guy he is. Typical.

Look, I don't have a problem with the fact that, yeah, you are allowed to choose who you like, I know I do too. But, and I can't believe nobody else on this post can recognize this, you did not leave X simply because you're not interested in him, you left him because you wanted to "trade-up", you wanted something better (R), because you feel you are better than him, and you deserve better than him, that's what this is all about. You just like R because all your girlfriends do too, and it's a competition to see who can sleep with him first. You might be able to lie to everyone else here, but not to me. I think you know deep down in your heart that you did hurt him, and now you seek justification here from other people to say "it's OK, oh shame, you poor thing, you didn't do anything wrong".

As for your question, I don't think you are a bad person, just maybe mislead a little, by society and by your friends, and sadly, that today is the norm, especially amongst the youth. I understand that normal people succumb to something called peer-pressure, and I probably will never understand that, because I was never in a social group long enough to be subjected to it. So, I guess that will probably be very hard to deal with and say "NO" to those who are forcing you. I'm sorry if it appears that I am attacking you here, but I promise you I am not, I am trying to get you to see further than what's on the surface always. Not everything can be said or seen with the eye. The most important information in life is often non-verbal and non-visual. I tell you these things because nobody else seems to care enough to do so. I also try to help you so that you don't fall in the same trap that 99% of the other young people will. I know I speak from the viewpoint of guy X, because I suppose you could say I was guy X too. The thing about it is, the same thing happened to me, I also loved a girl and then lost her to a guy like "R". At first I also just accepted it and thought, oh well, you know, he is a better guy than me. But, you don't understand. I knew the type of guy he was, any guy knows how to identify such guys. I knew he was going to hurt her somewhere in the near future, either cheat on her or use her or something. And, I was right. A few months later I heard they broke up, he did some stuff, etc. etc. That broke my heart so much, because here was this girl I cared so much about, and I knew now the pain she was going through, because I felt it too before. And, you know what was the worst thing about it all? I couldn't even be there for her because we were 1000 miles apart. I don't want the same thing to happen to you, I know guy R is going to do the same to you if you keep hanging on to him.

So, what am I saying? Must you date guy X now? Must you force yourself to like guy X now? No. That is not what I'm saying. The fact remains that you don't find X romantically attractive, and like everyone has said here, that's OK! There's nothing wrong with that. Here I agree with the other posters 100%. But, you should sit down and discuss this with him for goodness sake! Don't just drop him and then run to guy R and then allow X to see you two together and that will "hopefully give him the message loud and clear". That hurt him more than you will ever realize. That's like throwing someone who can't swim into the deep end of a pool and then saying "well, if he drowns, he at least will then know loud and clear that he can't swim". I don't have a problem with the fact that you don't like guy X, but I have a problem with the way you handled it. If you feel he is not good enough for you, don't project that onto him as though it's his fault, it's nobody's "fault". You cannot say it's X's own fault that you don't like him. You traded-up to R, so be honest about it. Don't cover up that fact by saying, "oh, I don't know what X's problem is".

And, your other question - are you shallow? Well, you must ask yourself what is shallow? But, more importantly, let's say you are (if you think that you just went for R because of his looks), is that a crime? NO! There's nothing wrong with choosing a guy just for his looks, but then be honest about it. Say, I choose him for his looks. And, then you have to deal with the consequences of that choice. If your relationship with R is crap, then you must remember you chose him. But, if you realize it was a mistake, is that the end of the road? Again NO! Then you have to ask yourself, do you seek looks or love? Everybody grows spiritually, you are still young, it will still happen. You'll see, in a few years time, you'll change and then your preference won't be for R, it will be for guys like X! I know you don't want to believe me, but people do change like that! If you seek love and friendship, and you realized that was with X, then you just have to hope X will have you back. But then, remember, you are not allowed to hate X if he doesn't want you anymore, because he had to adapt to deal with rejection, so he has also changed.

Our choices are immensely powerful. Our actions can change the world. We choose our own destiny, and it also affects others. I don't know why people don't get this, even though it is as simple as A, B, C and has probably been said a million times. Actions have consequences. You cannot do anything in life without there being some repercussion. You can't just play with people's feelings. People might not show it, but they get hurt. There is too much a culture nowadays that says, oh just forget about it, they'll get over it, or it doesn't matter what I think or do. That is so untrue. Just speak the truth, especially to yourself, and then you will see how simple life will become.

And, the rest of you guys can do whatever you feel necessary, you can petition to have my account banned on this site or whatever, I don't care (it's probably what you will do now anyway). If that is the treatment I will receive for pointing out the truth, then so be it. But, I, sure as hell, am not going to sit here and watch some autistic guy (who has been through enough in the hell of a life that it is) get torn apart, simply because he does not understand, and want to participate in, the stupid social games that is our pathetic human existence on this planet, and what our society, especially the youth (and I'm ashamed to say I am young too) has degenerated into.

Whatever you do now, I would make sure that you don't give him the idea that you are interested again. Don't go back to him if things don't work out with this other guy, don't complain about your love life to him, etc.

Like other posters suggested, it is best to be up front and frank with him. Tell him that you are not interested in him romantically. Tell him that even your basic friendship makes you uncomfortable at the moment.

I have found that it is sometimes best in these kinds of situations where the line between friendship and romance is crossed and then needs to be uncrossed is to cut off all contact completely, at least for a while. Anything else may give him the wrong idea or false hope.

i can't say that you are a bad person, if that's the worst you've done..i shudder to think what i am

we all do things we regret, sometimes we do what we want

sometimes it comes back to bite us other times not so much.
they say all is fair in love and war..just don't get too upset when it's your turn

i know i have been f*cked over by girls in the past and i have f*cked over quite a few girls in my lifetime..so when it's time to take my medicine..yes it tastes nasty and it sucks..but that's life.

we all have our reasons for what we do, some of them selfish..others..not so much.

it is what it is..you can't change how you feel about the guy..really you can't.
i went through a situation last summer where i was confused trying to decide between 2 of my ex's..in love with 2 people at the same time..ugh! it was hell

ultimately my decision was the wrong decision, but if i had decided the other way it still would have been wrong! how about damned if you do and damned if you don't! that was my summer last year BEFORE i knew i was BPD. had no idea why i made the impulsive decisions i made..i just did them.

so anyways..all you can do is move forward. you are NOT a bad person..at least not compared to me..LOL! but anyhoo..good luck and try not to beat yourself up too much

I fear you misinterpreted my response. I wasn't defending the position of the OP in my response. Mentioning that 'I have been X' was actually me referencing more that I understand how much this is going to hurt him and how much it sucks to be him in this situation because I too have been ditched for the 'superior' model on more than one occasion. Whether that be for looks or for the fact that they don't have so many 'annoying' habits (aka Autism traits) like I do. That's also how I interpreted phaset's response, though I may be wrong.

The advice I gave was to try and spare X more long term pain than what I have been dealt by similar situations in the past where people weren't just honest with me that they weren't interested and lead me on to make me think that I actually had a chance which left me feeling like an idiot and made me more ashamed of who I am as a person. It was degrading and I was trying to give advice which would spare X that similar pain.

I'm sorry you misinterpreted that, I feel no malice towards you for calling me out on it though as I understand how it could be misconstrued especially since this is no doubt a very sore subject for a lot of us with ASDs.

You guys are right, I need to apologize for what I said. Em and I had a nice chat over PM, and I totally misread the situation. Sorry to all of you guys too.

I was just reminded of the thing that happened to me, and I projected that onto all of you and it's not right. So, if anyone is the bad person around here, it's me.

I always knew I was a sick monster and this just proves it. If I get isolated I deserve it. Nobody should have to deal with a jerk like me, what happened to me with that girl was right, I just didn't want to believe that I was an unlovable, gross, sadistic human being, but I am, I lived in denial. I deserve to be dumped and discarded, because I'm a very sick human being. There is only one person to blame, and that is me.

Person X is nothing like me, I am worse. Person X is a good guy compared to me. I should voluntarily remove my account here, because I don't deserve the support I get from all of you, and come to think of it, all the people in real life too.

I am so sorry to all of you, and please petition to have me removed from here. You guys deserve people that build you up, that are constructive to your healing, not an asshole like me. I've read some of my previous posts and I realised I never have anything positive to add to anyone's life here, I am undoing all the good work that so many others here are trying to do, and that is just testament to what a sick jerk I am.

So I promise, I vow, after this post, I will never ever post anything again. You guys deserve so much better than the **** I dish up. I deserve no help, I deserve everything that ever happens, or has happened, to me in my life. I mean she was right, she just showed me without telling me, what a loser I was all along. Oh, sorry for the confusion, I'm speaking about the girl in my posts.

I thank all of you over all this time that have tried so hard to give me support and care that nobody else would. It was great. I never met any of you in person, but grew closer to you than to people in my own real life. I wish all of you the best and that you guys can conquer all the trials and tribulations that have befallen you. But, as for me, you can all see, they have conquered me and broken my spirit, there is no return for me. I speak with their mouths now. The original Adrian is dead.

I hate what you are saying about yourself. I do not believe people from this site want you to go away.

You responded with passion to a post. We all have done that. You are concerned that you may have hurt others with your comments, and you apologized. You are in pain.

I have responded to some posts that stir up strong feelings in me as well. I believe we all know we have flaws. Being motivated to make things better is what is most important...this is a great place to be able to come to. Sometimes I have no where else to go. If you leave, leave because it's the best thing for you, do not leave because of us - we are more forgiving than you are to yourself. I hope you stay

I agree with this completely. I would be saddened to see you leave because of this. There are always times where one of us will go on a bit of a rant because a subject is close to our hearts, I know that I've done it on more than one occasion and there have been a few posts I've made which when I've read back later I've felt like a **** for making.

On the whole I've found a lot of your posts to be helpful, kind, and constructive. I hope once you've taken some time to gather your thoughts that you'll return feeling a bit better.

You overreacted with your first post and yes, you did project your own experience. But we've all done that at some point in our lives! It doesn't make you a monster, or a bad person, or anything else. It just shows that you've been hurt and that you don't want to see anyone else be hurt the same way that you were. That's not monstrous behaviour, that's compassion.

i don't think you are a monster..just that this thread was a hella trigger that's all.

you're cool, no one wants you to leave

I think that the first and most important thing to do is apologize to X for ditching him.

Next, you could, in a kind manner, explain whatever boundaries you wish to have with regard to the frequency and nature of your conversations.

I don’t think you are a bad person.

After my best friend/girlfriend passed away every woman I got close to before meeting my Wife that seemed to like me and want to date me turned me down after I told them I had disabilities and what made it even worse was they didn’t want anything to do with me after that and some of them would tell their friends and laugh about it and it made me feel like a freak. I grew up with an abusive Father that constantly put me down for having disabilities and not being ‘normal’ and I watched a lot of kids at my old school that were open about having them get bullied so it just added to all that. I thought I got lucky finding someone that accepted my disabilities like my best friend did and I would always be alone because nobody else could but my Wife changed that. Her eldest (my step daughter) is autistic and she knew more about my disabilities than me and she has changed my life over the years.

When I think about those women now I think they did me a favor turning me down for having ADHD, Asperger’s and OCD because they showed me what kind of people they were and I wouldn’t want to be with somebody like that. From what I can make out in your thread you didn’t do what the women I had bad experiences with did to me and I think you should just talk to him.