[Mary-Jane]

This is weird. And I'm not sure how to even begin explaining this. Nothing bad happened to me, that I can think of, but I have a natural distrust towards men. They make me extremely nervous, especially once they 'invade' my space (shoulder touch or anything of the kind). I'm serious though, its like my brain goes haywire, I'll jerk away.
I have fallen in love before, a few times, but as soon as he decided to come closer to me, I would push him away instantly. So no, I have never been in a relationship, I simply would not allow it. The thought alone creeps me out. But I do, sometimes, feel that urge for a connection. It's ridiculous.
The guys that I do hang around with, I'm ok with, just so long as they are clearly not interested in me or have a girlfriend. It's like I can loosen up, finally feel ok and talk to them without feeling stressed out.
Funny thing is, now that I'm writing it down, I'm realizing that I really do fear men, in a way.
This is becoming more and more of a problem, because for my work I will have to be working close with my male supervisor. This is causing me great distress, already. And it feels like my feelings are blurred, mixed even. I get this feeling of relief once I receive a call or email from him, discussing future arrangements. But at the same time I fear them. It's like I'm falling for him, but at the same time I'm scared to death of him. Does that make any sense?
I want to tackle this problem, but really don't know how. I can't change supervisors, unfortunately and to be honest, I don't think that that's the way to solve this.. whatever this is.
Does anyone have experience with this? Can anyone, somehow, relieve my stress?
Cheers,

[Piraeus]

Hi Mary-Jane. Welcome to Psych Central. I see you have 5 post's now. Good job. Keep posting.

I think you have to face your fear head on. I have a fear of beautiful women. I get so nervous I can't even talk. It's getting better though. I wish I could relieve your stress, but I can't. If I were you I would speak to a psychiatrist about. Preferably a women. You may need to be hypnotized. I hope you find a way to conquer this.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

[waiting4]

Hi Mary-Jane

I'm sorry to say, there are no easy answers...at least none I ever found. I was just exactly like you when I was much younger...22. Absolutely terrified of men...felt totally awkward, couldn't even hold hands with a guy..would flinch if they happened to brush near me..the whole sh'bang. My gf's tried to set me up with guys constantly because they were either married or with someone and as expected, coupled friends want to see you as miserable--er...I mean as happy as they are. Some of the guys were drop dead gorgeous, but it didn't matter. In fact, one guy was a real hottie but he was also even more shy than I was, so yeah...that was a disaster.

Eventually, I met a friend of the 'hottie'....he was older...way older than me...about 35ish and he was just a friend. I could feel comfortable around him. He liked me, I liked that he didn't scare me cause I put him in the 'friend' place and never intended to take him out. Eventually, I opened up to him about my fears and the near terror of feeling awkward or stupid, and he just kinda..helped. He was so matter of fact about the physicality...that it put me at ease and eventually I was ok with it.

He never made it out of the friends zone for me, but he was the best friend I ever had at that time, because he helped get me thru my issues. So the only thing I can recommend, if not talking to a T, is possibly meeting someone you're NOT attracted to in that way...becoming friends with them (unless you already have someone like that) and just tell them how you feel and see if they're willing to help you with the awkwardness. Once I got past that...having a relationship with someone I DID like, was so much easier, and felt natural instead of staged and false.

I wish you luck and happiness...

[Mary-Jane]

Thanks to the both of you. To be honest, just typing this, and thinking about this, kind of clarified a few things for me.
Unfortunately, I don't have an older guy friend to which I feel comfortable with, maybe I'll meet one. But for now, I'll try mentioning my ordeal to my friends, this is a big step. Because, like you said, friends are starting to 'worry' about me because I'm still single. Fortunately I'm not worried about it. I'm 25 so I've still got more than enough time ahead of me. It's just that, for now, especially with what's coming up ahead, this is very unfortunate.
I remember one of my teachers at school who really creeped me out, up to a point that I was afraid of being alone with him in one room. Which is probably ridiculous, can't imagine he meant anything by it. It was just that one shoulder touch, and I was out.
I also remember my first crush, at first everything was fine, I could goof around with him. I assumed he did not share the same feelings I had, which I really wanted him to have, to make matters even more complicated. But as soon as it looked like he did, moving in for the kiss, I literally pushed him away instantly. Right, what is wrong with me?!
I will be trying to conquer this, head on, but for now I'm still trying to figure out why I'm so afraid. I fear that might only be answered with therapy, and I am dreading that. I am glad that you could figure it out, gives me a little bit of hope.

[TheHiddenAngel]

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you, I feel similar towards men (though I have a few reasons), I'm very distrusful of men in general and if one touches me I panic. Perhaps there are reasons for the way you feel that you just can't remember? Some people who are Androphobic (phobia of men) simply didn't have many men around as children and just aren't used to being around them. Others of course have very different reasons, sometimes the cause is unknown though. Either way I just want you to know you aren't alone in the way you feel.

[hvert]

Is it just men that you mind invading your personal space and touching you?

[Mary-Jane]

Originally Posted by hvert

Is it just men that you mind invading your personal space and touching you?

Yes it's definitely just men, though honestly I am not really a touchy feely type of person. I don't mind women within my 'bubble', surely if I don't know them I would feel awkward, but never as unhappy as I would with a man.

Strangely enough I did have boy best friends when I was growing up, I had a few in high school as well, they were mostly the boyfriends of my friends.
I think I grew up with them okay.
I do remember, come to think of it (typing it out really seems to be working for me), that mostly boys teased me in high school. Especially pretending to like me and then make fun of me if I fell for it. They really brutalized me, pushing me off my bike, laughing, calling me fat and ugly. Needless to say, my self-esteem is non-existent. Hah. That might be my reason, right there.
Hah, I think I'm starting to understand myself. I'm afraid any guy that touches me is going to insult me later on. This is ridiculous

[TheHiddenAngel]

That could very well be the reason for the way you're feeling, if/when you decide to talk to a therapist you may want to mention that. And it's not ridiculous at all.

[Mary-Jane]

Thank you so much for hearing me out, it was good to finally sit down and think about this, or just identify that I have a problem. I can work with this, I think.
At least I'm slightly relieved, because I'm beginning to understand why I'm doing this and now I know other people have the same issues I have.
I don't think I'll ever go to a therapist again, my last experience really ruined it for me. I'd just rather sort things out myself.

[TheHiddenAngel]

No problem, I'm sure we are all happy to help. And I understand that you don't want to ever go see a therapist again, maybe one day that'll change but it's okay if it doesn't. I'm the same way about doctors (only I don't exactly have a choice in whether or not I go see one of them).

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by Mary-Jane

I remember one of my teachers at school who really creeped me out, up to a point that I was afraid of being alone with him in one room. Which is probably ridiculous...... I also remember my first crush, at first everything was fine, I could goof around with him. I assumed he did not share the same feelings I had, which I really wanted him to have, to make matters even more complicated..

WOW...you so took me for a trip in the 'way back' machine! I had a teacher when I was in highschool...particularly unattractive (he had a back like a toad..wide and short) and he totally creeped me out because I KNEW he liked me....he used to follow me around the campus, but I was too shy to tell anyone anything. He gave me a 98% on a report on a 'streetcar named desire' that I never read, and only watched part of on a tv special the night before....bleh He was only a substitute but I couldn't wait until he left---he offered to 'help' me with my homework...uhhh no.

Brighter side, I had a huge, mega mega crush on a guy (sam...never forget his name...I still swoon hehe) but was wayyyy too terrified to even look at him except to glance at his face and quickly away. That was our version of flirting, I suppose, and I say 'our' (rather than mine) because 3 years after I graduated and after my friend helped me feel less awkward, I saw him in a club my 'girls' and I used to go to. OMG he was still drop dead gorgeous...but this time, I walked up to him, said hello (he was with his friends...no girl) and told him straight out, that I had had a huge crush on him. He said he had one on me too but thought I didn't like him lol Stuff-n-bother!

So went one of the most satisfying fantasy fullfillments that lasted about 3 blissful weeks. Then, he started to want an actual relationship, and I said....ummmm no. For some reason, I just wanted the fantasy and I was certain if we actually became bf/gf and something went wrong later...all the memories I'd fulfilled and enjoyed would be replaced by hurt, recrimination, and saddness. (yeah even then I knew there was something wrong with my longterm relationship ability lol) We parted friends; neither of us had gotten too deep yet, so it still is, a really wonderful memory.

Thank you for reminding me, Mary-Jane....I seriously needed something sweet to think of. The moral of the story of course, is that YES you have time, and YES you may (when you are ready) discover the guy you had a crush on...if so, tell him. It doesn't hurt, and could end up a very good thing. (But if he says he want's a 'real' relationship....consider it. In the end...as I'm older now...I really wish I had.)

[Mary-Jane]

Things suddenly came into perspective and I felt like sharing this with you.
I came across an article regarding the mother-daughter bond and how it poisons the daughters ability to have 'normal' relationships. And now I understand, because I fit perfectly within this scenario. I have a very strong bond with my mother, too much really and virtually nothing with my father. I realise now that's my mothers 'doing', certainly not this intentional, or not so much to this extent, but she's the reason why I'm like this.
It's a really good read, and I recommend it, so I've added the link to it.
This is mind-blowing stuff right here, I am beginning to understand why I am the way I am. I might be able to fix this! Maybe one of you can identify with this?
http://www.mmpi-info.com/psychology-...tal-alienation