[Ams3618]

I've been seeing someone long distance (he's in England for now until we move in together by this time next year) for almost two years (known each other for three). He and I got together by bonding over mutual things we went through and he was my best friend before we dated.. About five months in he and I began fighting. The thing is, we fight because he purposely ignores me and blanks me out (yet insists I be in skype call w him all day.. Which would be ok if he wasn't being this way). And more recently (the past month) he's started telling me what I can and can't do (yet if I flip the tables to prove a point he says it's controlling), he calls me pathetic,clingy,controlling,attention seeking. He won't even let me vent to family or friends. It hurts so much.. He also won't be intimate with me now, even if I want to be. He sneaks off if you catch my drift... Am I crazy or am I right to think he's projecting or something is up? He says I make it up in my head to make him the bad guy.. So I started keeping a log with an app called boyfriend log for my idevice. I write down things exactly as they happen so I remember.. And even if I recite what he says (or avoids saying) he says in wrong and acts like I'm some disgusting thing he hates on the bottom of his shoe.. I am lost and worst because of my past I have co-dependency which gets triggered by these situations.. When calm I can function just fine.. Am I nuts?

[Trippin2.0]

You don't mention anything remotely worth staying with this guy, yet type out a laundry list that would make most woman run.

What (besides co-dependency) makes you WANT to stay with such a despicable person??

You asked if you are nuts, IMO you are nuts for wanting to be with this this... ugh there's no accepatable word to describe him.

He's controlling, he disrespects you, belittles you, calls you names, isolates you from your support system... Do you know what that's called?

ABUSE.

My advice? Find a man who actually deserves you.

Know your worth so you can stop giving people like this abusive bf discounts!

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Oh, .. WOW. You are not going nuts. He is bang out of order. I dunno what to suggest, I'm sorry.

Unlike him, we not out to control you (within the PC rules of course ) and you're welcome to vent some. "take a load off", as they say. I think you need to make sure you're with a decent person, if you have that co-dependency problem; I hate the idea of someone taking advantage of that.

Of course, we'll only getting one side of the story, is it happens, but I'm inclined to think there's very little (or nothing at all) that would make him sound just in what he says.



PS,
I'm in England, as well, ... maybe if you gimmie his co-ordinates, I can, ... have a man-to-man chat with him? Find out what's up with him. No? Right, OK, ... had to ask. Lol.

(joking, of course xD)

[gayleggg]

From what you describe, I would run as far and as fast as I could from this guy. The controling only gets worse when you live together. Don't accept that kind of treatment. I know it will be hard to give him and your dreams for the two of you up but it wll be harder once you are under the same roof because the controling and name calling won't get better. As Oprah says, "When people show you who they are believe them." I wish I had heard this before I married the second time. It would have saved me a lot of heartbreak.

Originally Posted by Ams3618

I've been seeing someone long distance (he's in England for now until we move in together by this time next year) for almost two years (known each other for three). He and I got together by bonding over mutual things we went through and he was my best friend before we dated.. About five months in he and I began fighting. The thing is, we fight because he purposely ignores me and blanks me out (yet insists I be in skype call w him all day.. Which would be ok if he wasn't being this way). And more recently (the past month) he's started telling me what I can and can't do (yet if I flip the tables to prove a point he says it's controlling), he calls me pathetic,clingy,controlling,attention seeking. He won't even let me vent to family or friends. It hurts so much.. He also won't be intimate with me now, even if I want to be. He sneaks off if you catch my drift... Am I crazy or am I right to think he's projecting or something is up? He says I make it up in my head to make him the bad guy.. So I started keeping a log with an app called boyfriend log for my idevice. I write down things exactly as they happen so I remember.. And even if I recite what he says (or avoids saying) he says in wrong and acts like I'm some disgusting thing he hates on the bottom of his shoe.. I am lost and worst because of my past I have co-dependency which gets triggered by these situations.. When calm I can function just fine.. Am I nuts?

As Trippin said, he doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities, is there something you're not mentioning that offsets all of his dumbassness in this?

[Ams3618]

He used to be very charming and loving and respectful until five months in. No idea what changed. He did have some great qualities then. As to getting one side of the story, my biggest flaw is the co dependency thing. It's why I am always the one who ends up putting in a lot of effort even as the partner checks out. I admit I cry a lot because of being frustrated and I'm sure that's a flaw too. But yeah I guess it's time to pull the cord.. Maybe I should go to therapy ? My mom seems to think that's a good idea as she says " you give and give and they take and take yet you never quit giving even when you should ". Overall I'm a decent being , other than the codependency and crying from how he treats me.

Originally Posted by Ams3618

He used to be very charming and loving and respectful until five months in. No idea what changed. He did have some great qualities then. As to getting one side of the story, my biggest flaw is the co dependency thing. It's why I am always the one who ends up putting in a lot of effort even as the partner checks out. I admit I cry a lot because of being frustrated and I'm sure that's a flaw too. But yeah I guess it's time to pull the cord.. Maybe I should go to therapy ? My mom seems to think that's a good idea as she says " you give and give and they take and take yet you never quit giving even when you should ". Overall I'm a decent being , other than the codependency and crying from how he treats me.

*hugs* I feel for you. I do because I have been in relationships many times and invariably I tend to submit, give and do the same things for years. I agree wtih your mother that working through that would be a good idea whether with a T or not.

I don't believe that quitting giving ever is soemthing that should happen, that's not something I would do but I also know that i need to find someone that won't take advantage of that either.

I won't say whether you should move on or not as there is not enough information here, but I will say that if there is no attempt to change this on his part, at some point, yes, that would be the best thing to do

Hang in there, I know it's tough.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Ams3618

He sneaks off if you catch my drift... Am I crazy or am I right to think he's projecting or something is up?

LOL, he is getting his sexual satisfactions somewhere else. Yes, I'd say something IS "up" - it's called CODEPENDENCY!

Am I nuts?

You are CODEPENDENT - a form of being "nuts"!

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by Ams3618

He used to be very charming and loving and respectful until five months in. No idea what changed. He did have some great qualities then. As to getting one side of the story, my biggest flaw is the co dependency thing. It's why I am always the one who ends up putting in a lot of effort even as the partner checks out.

IMO, you are BOTH Codependent! He's on the high/aggesive side and you are on the low/passive side of Codependency.

I admit I cry a lot because of being frustrated and I'm sure that's a flaw too. But yeah I guess it's time to pull the cord.. Maybe I should go to therapy ? My mom seems to think that's a good idea as she says " you give and give and they take and take yet you never quit giving even when you should ". Overall I'm a decent being , other than the codependency and crying from how he treats me.

Your mom should know because she and your dad TRAINED you to be like that! They are most likely Codependents them self unless they fixed it in therapy. Fault parenting CAUSES Codependency but I doubt that yours will ever acknowledge that. I'd say definitely go to therapy or a Codependent support group - that's what helped me overcome Codependency.
It's good that you "cry" because Codependents are often severely damaged in early childhood and carry around a lot of tears from unhealed, bottled up emotional wounds, usually put there by faulty parenting. Let the tears out and seek therapy or some kind of Spiritual Awakening.
good luck,
jim

[ShenKai]

It is hard to think about being alone. Sometimes we allow ourselves to believe no one will ever love us again. I think from what i have been through, that its part of feeling the pain of low self esteem and self worthlessness. I can tell you that pushing past the shame of being bipolar and allowing myself to do better was the best thing I ever did. I had an internet relationship that was abusive and when I found the courage to let that go, I found my husband. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and the best man I could have ever hoped for. He has PTSD and its a rocky road but he understands me in ways that only he can. He supports me no matter what, he forgives me when I screw up, and he helps me up when I fail. No matter how many jobs I have had he tells me to keep going and that he is proud of me for holding on longer than the last one. He reminds me that I am worth it everyday and that I am stronger than this illness. You deserve a guy like that too. We all do. Have the love and faith in yourself to take the leap and make room for someone who can love you and support you the way you deserve. I am praying for you.

[~Christina]

You have received some very spot on advice. This relationship right now is abusive plain and simple ... How could anything get better if your living under the same roof when he treats you so badly online?

Co-dependency is not a life sentance .. You can change how you feel and react to relationships ..Thats where therapy comes in.

You deserve someone that will love you and cherish you not beat you down.

Please reach out for help and run very quickly away from him

[A Red Panda]

You aren't going crazy.

Yeah, sure, the first 5 months were good - that's such common behaviour for abusive people. They know they're abusive, so they fake it, and get the other person to fall in love with them. Then they show their true colours and use the first 5 months as "evidence" that they're not abusive and that the other person in crazy....

If he controls your life already, and he lives far away from you..... it will only get worse if you're near each other.

[ptangptang]

I don't think long distance love really works. Friends yes partners no. It's only when you are under the same roof 24/7 can you really evaluate things. Why put up with this online. Tell him you just want to stay as friends IF he changes his behaviour, and find someone irl. I certainly wouldn't commit to moving in with him. In a years time , who knows.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Ams3618

The thing is, we fight because he purposely ignores me and blanks me out (yet insists I be in skype call w him all day.. Which would be ok if he wasn't being this way). And more recently (the past month) he's started telling me what I can and can't do (yet if I flip the tables to prove a point he says it's controlling), he calls me pathetic,clingy,controlling,attention seeking. He won't even let me vent to family or friends. It hurts so much..

He Insists on you being on Skype with him, ALL DAY. Has a bf tracker and has the AUDACITY to call you clingy?

Love shouldn't Hurt!

This relationship sounds like a pipe dream.

Relationships for the sake of having one aren't about love, they are about day dreaming.