[butterfly76]

I seriously need some advice. I have no friends and no one to talk to about this situation.

1. My boyfriend has been treating me like a roommate for the past month. No touching whatsoever. No saying he loves me. Nothing. Just going through the motions of living together. Having meals together. But him sleeping on couch.

2. He has major health problems like heart and cancer. But Still smokes. About 3 weeks ago, he told me and his friends he is no longer going to the doctor.

3. Today, we were planning on going to do some errands. I found him passed out face down on the driveway. Called 911. When he came to, he refused to go to the hospital. He said it was just a waste of time to go. This is at least the 4th time I have found him like this in the last 3 years. Plus other times where others have had to help him. He has always gone before. Most of the time, he has needed a new stent or sometimes something with his pacemaker. The last time was in June of this year.

4. I asked him what I should do. He said I should just go ahead and go. I got a few blocks and started crying so bad that I returned. I had this bad feeling that when I came back, he wouldn't still be alive. He thought there was something wrong with the car. I just told him I didn't feel comfortable driving today.

5. I feel like we need to talk about our relationship but whenever I do, he makes me feel terrible that I am thinking about myself. I don't have a job. I think if I did have something to do, I could handle this a little better. But maybe not.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I used to drink a lot when I felt overwhelmed like this. But I don't want to do that anymore. I am trying to exercise more.

I would appreciate anyone's advice. Thanks.

[glok]

Hello, butterfly78. You have a choice to make. If the boyfriend will not hear what you saying, there is no relationship. Perhaps, an accommodation.

Have you thought about getting a job or volunteering?

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...-relationship/
Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better - Mayo Clinic

I wish you well.

[butterfly76]

I have thought about leaving as I have a few times before. I don't know if I should stay and hope & try for things to be better or should I just leave and know that this relationship was never any good in the first place.

He was with someone else when I met him. I didn't know until it was too late and I thought we both loved each other. Now, I am feeling like why did I get involved? Why did I do something so terrible to another lady that loved him? According to his sister, the other lady was way better at dealing with his medical issues. Even though, I try very hard.

I am just having a really difficult time dealing with all these emotions and feelings. I am so tempted in getting drunk but I know that alcohol won't help in the long run.

[waiting4]

Not sure where in nevada you are, but if you are anywhere near a place where there is an AA chapter, al anon, or possible spiritual counselling I strongly suggest you ask for it. What you're going thru must be terribly stressful, and painful to you. You need guidance and that can only come from people who know what you are going thru, or have been there themselves...or both.

I would never presume to counsel you on the dynamics of your relationship with your bf, but I do sympathize so much for the hurt your are suffering. I'm not sure that your bf is necessarily 'giving up' although it may look like he is, but no matter what it is, you need to avail yourself of help, for yourself. That, not alcohol will make dealing with this situation possible....words, you already know, are true.

Take care...I'm sending positive, empowering thoughts to you. *hugs*

[butterfly76]

Originally Posted by waiting4

Not sure where in nevada you are, but if you are anywhere near a place where there is an AA chapter, al anon, or possible spiritual counselling I strongly suggest you ask for it. What you're going thru must be terribly stressful, and painful to you. You need guidance and that can only come from people who know what you are going thru, or have been there themselves...or both.

I would never presume to counsel you on the dynamics of your relationship with your bf, but I do sympathize so much for the hurt your are suffering. I'm not sure that your bf is necessarily 'giving up' although it may look like he is, but no matter what it is, you need to avail yourself of help, for yourself. That, not alcohol will make dealing with this situation possible....words, you already know, are true.

Take care...I'm sending positive, empowering thoughts to you. *hugs*

Thanks, waiting4.

[butterfly76]

I tried to talk to my boyfriend this morning about our problems and what we should do. Before I really could say anything, he said that he doesn't want to "get stressed". What does that mean? Is it over? Is there no hope?

I need someone's advice. If not on this forum, then direct me to some other forum. PLEASE!!!

[lilypup]

I am always to quick to give up but I lived in a dysfunctional house. If I'm not comfortable with the people I am living with and have tried to work it out, then I am outta there. You can't force him to get medical care as he is an adult. Do you have somewhere to go? Living alone would be better than this. JMO.

[butterfly76]

But that's something I want to work on in my life. Trying to have a better situation instead of running away like I usually do only to come back. Or do You think this situation is just best to move on?

[ChipperMonkey]

I belong to a number of mental health forums. My general thought is that if someone refuses to help themselves, why should you sacrifice yourself and stick by them? I urge you to try and talk to him about these issues one more time. Give it your all, and lay it all out on the table. If he doesn't respond in a positive manor, ie agreeing to take care of himself from here on out, then I'd advise you to take steps toward separating your life from his. I think its important to stick by someone's side, but if the other party isn't willing to put in any effort, then it is indeed over. It takes two people making an effort in order to make a relationship work, and even then it isn't easy. If one party has already checked out, then the relationship is likely doomed. I urge you to seek employment so that you have a way of supporting yourself. I know this isn't easy. I wish you the best.

[Trippin2.0]

You can't force someone to take care of themselves, to value their health or to demonstrate their love for you.

Sounds like your bf has given up on life, and there's not much you can do beside move on and embrace life, or sit by and watch him fade away.

The choice is yours.

[tipper1492]

I agree with chippermonkey, and sorry to say, I see no future in any of it. Maybe I'm too negative, but this sounds serious, and he maybe beyond given back what you need or wish.

[guilloche]

Is your boyfriend in any type of counseling? Would he be open to something like that? I wonder if he's depressed - wouldn't that explain the lack of interest in taking care of himself and in a romantic relationship.

If you want to work on this, the most important thing you can do is talk to him That's how you work on problems like this - you talk through it. You talk about your feelings, your concerns, and listen to what's going on with him. It's hard (well, I think it's hard!) - but that's how things get solved. If you're not currently in therapy, this could be a great thing to start seeing a good T about, and getting some support with these conversations.

I think the issue will be - if he flat out won't talk. You can keep trying, and make sure he knows that it's *important* - but if he won't join you in the discussion, I'm not sure that *you* can work on it, all by yourself. "You" needs to be "us" (you and him together).

In that case, you might want to re-evaluate staying. But you're not there yet, and there's nothing wrong with having those discussions first and trying to work it out.

[butterfly76]

UPDATE: he has now had 5 episodes of passing out. Last week, when it happened he promised me, his sister, his friend and his doctor that he would go in the ambulance. He was affectionate to me for a few days. When I very nicely asked him on Wednesday, to clean up something of his, he got angry with me and stopped all affection/loving words. I ALWAYS clean up everything. He rarely helps me around the house or the yard. I could understand if it was something major because of his health. But it is very small. And yes, I am staying at his house free. But he isn't paying any of my bills.

This morning, when he insisted on going alone to do errands, I cried. A hour later, I got a phone call that he had a episode on the highway. I had to fight for him to go to the hospital. He texted me that they are keeping him there and that he knew this was going to happen. Like it is my fault.

I know people are thinking I am crazy. Why oh why did I get involve myself in this mess? Why haven't I decided on what to do next? I feel stuck.

I went to the doctor on Tuesday for a sore knee. I wanted to talk to her about all of this, too. But it seemed like she wanted me out of there as quickly as possible. I don't have any medical insurance. So it wasn't cheap. I feel like it was just a waste of time.

I wish I had a female friend to talk to. But no one in this town likes me, they are all on his side. Even a cop comes to have a friendly visit for 2 hours.

I wish I could find a job. I don't even know if that is what I need to do. What if I complain because something isn't clean and they fire me like they did in my last job?? What if they find out something bad from my past and don't ask me to explain?

[dedicated]

I think your bf had already lost hope to work out a good relationship and surviving from his difficulties. I think he can't say directly to move on for your happiness. Seems like he is already numbed, got no more concerns to anyone and even to himself. How about if you talk to his family that he needs help but refuses medical attention? I don't really see a good reason that you have to stay with him. Staying with him might worsen your health.

[butterfly76]

He has a brain tumor. I would feel very bad if I left and something happened. I feel stuck. Maybe I should just make the best of it and stay?

[lilypup]

Only you can make these decisions. If he has a brain tumor and a heart condition, it's no wonder he is self centered and not interested in affection. He is likely emotionally swamped.
Do you want to stay? If he has other friends to help him, perhaps you should go somewhere else and start over.

[jimmy rich]

Originally Posted by butterfly76

I seriously need some advice. I have no friends and no one to talk to about this situation.

1. My boyfriend has been treating me like a roommate for the past month. No touching whatsoever. No saying he loves me. Nothing. Just going through the motions of living together. Having meals together. But him sleeping on couch.

I'd google relationship skills on that one and learn how to get what YOU want.

2. He has major health problems like heart and cancer. But Still smokes. About 3 weeks ago, he told me and his friends he is no longer going to the doctor.

Since he's a bf and not a spouse, I'd let him sink or swim on that one.

3. Today, we were planning on going to do some errands. I found him passed out face down on the driveway. Called 911. When he came to, he refused to go to the hospital. He said it was just a waste of time to go. This is at least the 4th time I have found him like this in the last 3 years. Plus other times where others have had to help him. He has always gone before. Most of the time, he has needed a new stent or sometimes something with his pacemaker. The last time was in June of this year.

Since he is not a spouse, I'd leave him to his own solutions!

I would appreciate anyone's advice. Thanks.

I'd get into a support group like Codependents Anonymous or see a therapist to get the strength and power to live life on MY terms and not be stuck with or to a very dysfunctional person like I used to be. Self Esteem work helped me a lot [google it].
good luck finding your freedom,
jim