[kate33624]

I'm a 33 year old female and just got dumped Sunday morning.
I was dating a man 12 years older, with 2 daughters (15 and 25). I have no children. We were together for 3 months (not long, I know) but the relationship moved pretty fast in that time. I still had my own apartment but basically lived at his house. He has broken up with me once before but came back and I took him back.
I really liked this guy, he made me feel safe and secure. But.....he's very rude. Never says please when asking for things, never says thank you, leaves me to carry bags from shopping or eating out in by myself, never responds to my text messages and I never knew what kind of mood he would be in when I got home from work every day. The list goes on and on......I just can't deal with the fact that he made the decision to walk away. I was very good to him and his reason for the breakup is because I refused to preform an intimate act on him and told him not to touch me because I was on the first day of my period. I asked that he not try to initiate sexual contact with me for the first 2 days of my period each month because I just feel awful. Apparently, I was rude to him when I said it (we had been drinking the night before the breakup, that's when this happened). I don't believe that I was, unless he was really pushing my buttons.
He told me to pack up my things the next morning and that he didn't deserve to be treated this way. Haven't talked to him since and I'm so sad.
I guess I'm looking for input about how to get back to my single happy self. I feel like I've been punched in the gut and have no desire to hang out with my friends. I was dumped in January of this year after a longer relationship and was devastated and cried for days. I'm not crying this time because I feel he's not worth my tears.
Any input, comments, recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

[kaliope]

well I look at your post and don't see a lot of reasons why this would have been a positive relationship for you. you don't even feel it is worth crying for him. I usually have people put a pro/con list together and see that you have he makes you feel safe and secure on the pro side and a list that goes on and on on the con side. no wonder he is not worth crying about. so to get back into single life look for the things that make you happy. I know the first thing I did was jump on the couch and have someone call me after nine oclock, things I could NEVER do in HIS home. I enjoyed everything that meant freedom, all those things I couldn't do in the relationship. I am alone now, I have been alone for a long time. when I think about getting into a relationship, I pull back from that idea because I don't want to give up those freedoms. giving up the freedom to move all over the bed, giving up the remote, making dinner anytime I want to, even if it is only a sandwich. I like those things. so just enjoy being able to live for yourself, choose for yourself. take care.

[kate33624]

Thanks again kaliope. I know that he did me a favor, I don't know that I would have had the courage to walk away. He was like a security blanket, if I needed anything, he bought it or gave me money when I needed it. I work full time but live paycheck to paycheck. I miss being around him as well. I missed him so much even when I was at work. It's hard to know that he's surely going on with his life without even feeling any regret or sadness. I wish I didn't care so much. I'm just hurt. Ugh. I know it will get easier every day and I cannot wait until I'm over this. I just hope that if he comes back again I have the courage to say no more.

Originally Posted by kate33624

I'm a 33 year old female and just got dumped Sunday morning.
I was dating a man 12 years older, with 2 daughters (15 and 25). I have no children. We were together for 3 months (not long, I know) but the relationship moved pretty fast in that time. I still had my own apartment but basically lived at his house. He has broken up with me once before but came back and I took him back.
I really liked this guy, he made me feel safe and secure. But.....he's very rude. Never says please when asking for things, never says thank you, leaves me to carry bags from shopping or eating out in by myself, never responds to my text messages and I never knew what kind of mood he would be in when I got home from work every day. The list goes on and on......I just can't deal with the fact that he made the decision to walk away. I was very good to him and his reason for the breakup is because I refused to preform an intimate act on him and told him not to touch me because I was on the first day of my period. I asked that he not try to initiate sexual contact with me for the first 2 days of my period each month because I just feel awful. Apparently, I was rude to him when I said it (we had been drinking the night before the breakup, that's when this happened). I don't believe that I was, unless he was really pushing my buttons.
He told me to pack up my things the next morning and that he didn't deserve to be treated this way. Haven't talked to him since and I'm so sad.
I guess I'm looking for input about how to get back to my single happy self. I feel like I've been punched in the gut and have no desire to hang out with my friends. I was dumped in January of this year after a longer relationship and was devastated and cried for days. I'm not crying this time because I feel he's not worth my tears.
Any input, comments, recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

The rule is that the first week you get to be miserable and eat ice cream and watch movies that let you cry. The second week, you commiserate with your girlfriends. The third week you congratulate yourself for your strength.....Seriously, though, allow yourself some time to heal in any way you want to....

[kate33624]

Thank you for the kind words sophiesmom.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by kate33624

I really liked this guy, he made me feel safe and secure.

What did you like about him? How did he make you feel safe and secure?

I don't pose the question for you to answer to me necessarily. It's for you to reflect on. Maybe you've been giving him too much credit for being a better person than what he is. He sounds pretty crummy to me.

It is amazing what women can tolerate from men. I've been there. I think we buy into the concept of "You get what you give." We give a lot, thinking that a man will want to reciprocate. Some are just takers and will never give back anyways near to what they get. (Same could be said for some women.)

You've been more invested in this relationship than he has been. I'm sorry it didn't work out. You probably had some high hopes. But there is no sense being with a man who seems to feel he is doing you a favor by being with you. And he won't change.

You have to go through the pain of the loss, but it's not a pain that will last forever. Eventually, you'll thank yourself. Meanwhile, he will try to contact you and get you back. A person like you is hard for a guy like that to replace. But don't bother with the "Okay, one more chance." He's shown you who he is. At the very least, do not continue practically living with him. It sounds like you made it easy for him to take you for granted.

If you give yourself time to get over the hurt, you might be surprised to find that you will be happier away from him. Being alone is not the worst thing there is. Right now, though, it will kind of be like withdrawal because you got used to coming home to him. Try staying away from him for 2 months, and then see how you feel.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by kate33624

Thanks again kaliope. I know that he did me a favor, I don't know that I would have had the courage to walk away. He was like a security blanket, if I needed anything, he bought it or gave me money when I needed it. I work full time but live paycheck to paycheck. I miss being around him as well. I missed him so much even when I was at work. It's hard to know that he's surely going on with his life without even feeling any regret or sadness. I wish I didn't care so much. I'm just hurt. Ugh. I know it will get easier every day and I cannot wait until I'm over this. I just hope that if he comes back again I have the courage to say no more.

Doesn't sound like an ideal relationship to be in.

Hopefully you do have the courage to stay clear of such a relationship.

[kate33624]

Rose,
I'm at work right now so I can't explain everything until I get home. I want to tell you more, it makes me feel better to get it out.

And thank you healingme4me....It was definitely not ideal. During the relationship, I was happy but looking back, he's just a jerk!

[kate33624]

Originally Posted by Rose76

What did you like about him? How did he make you feel safe and secure?

I don't pose the question for you to answer to me necessarily. It's for you to reflect on. Maybe you've been giving him too much credit for being a better person than what he is. He sounds pretty crummy to me.

It is amazing what women can tolerate from men. I've been there. I think we buy into the concept of "You get what you give." We give a lot, thinking that a man will want to reciprocate. Some are just takers and will never give back anyways near to what they get. (Same could be said for some women.)

You've been more invested in this relationship than he has been. I'm sorry it didn't work out. You probably had some high hopes. But there is no sense being with a man who seems to feel he is doing you a favor by being with you. And he won't change.

You have to go through the pain of the loss, but it's not a pain that will last forever. Eventually, you'll thank yourself. Meanwhile, he will try to contact you and get you back. A person like you is hard for a guy like that to replace. But don't bother with the "Okay, one more chance." He's shown you who he is. At the very least, do not continue practically living with him. It sounds like you made it easy for him to take you for granted.

If you give yourself time to get over the hurt, you might be surprised to find that you will be happier away from him. Being alone is not the worst thing there is. Right now, though, it will kind of be like withdrawal because you got used to coming home to him. Try staying away from him for 2 months, and then see how you feel.

Rose76

I liked that he was responsible and resourceful. He constantly reminded to appreciate what i have and to be happy and never worry about anything.
He made me feel secure because he was so resourceful. He can do any kind of mechanic work so he worked on my car. If i was low on money before payday, he gave me money. He always made sure I ate right and my vitamins out for me so I would remember to take them in the morning.
But.....the bad definitely outweighs the good and I think about the bad a lot. I honestly feel that he won't come back this time. I don't think he really cared about me. If he does contact me, I plan to ignore him. I refuse to let this happen again. "What you allow is what will continue" fits the relationship that I just got out of. I'm still sad and miss him but it gets easier every day. I even volunteered to go into work on my day off tomorrow just to avoid being at home. Work keeps my mind off of it and I get time and a half for coming in on my day off (I work 4 ten hour shifts a week). Two good reasons to work :-)

I would love to hear back from you rose, what you said before really hit home!

[lilypup]

You're too young. Move on. You'll know when it's the right guy. Don't ignore red flags.

[Rose76]

Sounds like you know what you want to do . . . and you're doing it. It will hurt less as time goes on.

Someone mechanically inclined is sure good to have around, but not at such a high price.

[iceberg28]

Seems like you liked him because you couldn't have all of him. He was a challenge.

Sort of that thing a lot of us go thru when we are just starting to date- and go for the "bad boy."

But as time goes on, experiences are lived, mistakes are made, and coping tools and learning curves are created and learned- we learn to date guys who are better than the last guy we dated.

Perhaps you never taught yourself or was able to attain the tools that tell you that you need to stop dating "bad boys."

You need to stop analyzing yourself in terms of what you did wrong to him. You know that the problem is not yourself and it is him. He will more than likely- be back. He found a girl who will take his crap- (no offense.)

Look up the 180 rule for breakups. It's about how to force yourself to move on, faking it until you make it.

You have to learn the tools to become a happier and healthier you. You sound very codependent. You get emotionally invested very quickly and make the guy your world and everything - very quickly. And this apparently is not making you happy- bc two breakups later- you want better. You want different.

Follow the 180 rule. And when you're okay enough. Diversify your life with other interests besides dating. So that when you start dating- you have more hobbies and social life. Make it a rule that the first 2 months involve only seeing the guy 2x a week.

It's not fun going thru a breakup. We have all been there- it's up to you if you want to put the proper tools in your life box to fix these problems.

[iceberg28]

Kate. I just read the money part and vitamins part. That does sound like a good man. Except when I read about his bad parts. And it made sense. It's about control for him.

It's his rules. He tells you what to do. Instructs you to things his way. Such as eating healthy. If you listen. You are rewarded. Example- he helps you with money. If you do not listen. You are taught a harsh lesson.

This is about control.

[kate33624]

Exactly iceberg! I never thought of it that way! Wow!

[written_by]

To be blunt and I am saying this as a man, men are pretty much all stupid. Sorry. You are better off.

[~Christina]

It takes time to really "know another person ... Give yourself time in the future to enjoy dating a person and having good times.. Dont just wind up living with anyone so soon.... My T once told me to really get to know a person takes at least 6 months preferable 12 months.. People can and often do paint a wonderful picture of themselves .. But that "mask" can only be held up so long.

Make a list of what qualities you want and need in a partner .. Don't settle for less and certainly do not allow anyone to disrespect you.

take care

[hamster-bamster]

If a problem can be resolved by paying for it, it is not a problem, but just an expenditure. You can hire a mechanic. You can make more money. Then, when you are not financially dependent, you would not consider somebody's skills as a car mechanic and willingness to help you with money as positive qualities. You would take care of yourself. Then you would judge your partners using other methods, and eventually would be happier for it.

It may not be possible for you right now - your job pays what it pays - but at least you can correctly characterized what happened as your becoming dependent on a wrong person out of being financially unstable.

[iceberg28]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

If a problem can be resolved by paying for it, it is not a problem, but just an expenditure. You can hire a mechanic. You can make more money. Then, when you are not financially dependent, you would not consider somebody's skills as a car mechanic and willingness to help you with money as positive qualities. You would take care of yourself. Then you would judge your partners using other methods, and eventually would be happier for .

Love this perspective ^^^ !! Well said HamBam!