ex acting weird

So, here I am again, typical.

I've made a few threads already about this but I always find myself being stuck, no matter what.

He's being even weirder now and I don't get why he keeps complaining about it.

Anyways, as I may have mentioned before. We're friends, me and my ex and things are going okay, I'm letting go and moving on and all that, just secretly hoping we'll find our way back together and I still love him, he loves me and still have feelings for me, but for him it changes nothing.

Right, so we've been talking almost every day up until I decided to distance myself. Now, in my world, ex's don't talk every day and I didn't really think about it that much until he complained about how I was being cold.

His message to me back then alongside with a minor lecturing, was pretty much that

"I thought the whole point with us talking again was to be friends and talk"

I told him I had just been busy and apologized, whereas he moved onto the lecturing part, saying that he didn't dwell on it and just moved onto doing other things, like it didn't really bother him after all. (Then why even comment on it?) - and said that only couples dwell on those things and we weren't a couple. (Right, sorry I must totally have forgotten that you dumped me?)

Ok then, surely if I kept distancing myself he wouldn't pay it any mind? WRONG. A week later he commented on it again, asking if we were okay, whereas I again explained that I had been busy.

Now, me distancing myself actually just means that I talk less and that I'm not overly affectionate. Our usual conversation prior to this usually contains tons of smileys, flirting, joking about the past etc. So, during this time I kept the conversations short but friendly as well as my replies.

Perhaps I did come off as a bit cold, but why would it bother him when he made it utterly clear he didn't dwell on these things? I'm his ex, albeit friend, but it really shouldn't annoy him, should it?

Apparently it does. A fair few days ago, he messaged me, (he's been the one to initiate contact recently, although I have messaged him first a few times) - asking how I was doing, how I've been, how work was going etc, small talk, then moving on to saying that he was happy to see things were going my way and calling me 'hun' - letting me know he was there if I wanted to chat (skype call, a rarity. Only happened 2-3 times since we started talking, always me who asked or begged etc.) and reminded me that he was there for me. "Always here for you" and closed off with 'hun'

He once again called me 'hun' during the next time we spoke. Now, I had confronted him about this before and he said he meant nothing by it. But why even say it if it holds no meaning? Weird.

Sprinting forward to tonight. He acted real weird and it seems I've driven him to the brink of paranoia.

He asked how things were going and I replied with "everythings good you?" where as he then replied the same and suddenly turned around to "i'll leave you be, going back to reading "

Confused by this I asked why and he said I seemed busy. I explained to him that I wasn't and he more or less kept going on about how he didn't want to bother me and that I should just tell him to shut up if he was. I told him to stop making these assumptions and that I'd let him know if I was busy.

He once again brought up that he felt that I had given him the cold shoulder recently, up until now.

I don't get this at all. What is up with him? Why is he being like this? Why does it even matter to him whether or not we talk every day? Why does it bother him that I'm not being overly affectionate, that I'm being short? Why does he call me hun and bring up so much from the past?

I'm really confused...

Sorry, I realize this was pretty long. Kinda just needed to get it off my chest but I didn't expect to write an essay.

Quote:

just secretly hoping we'll find our way back together and I still love him, he loves me and still have feelings for me, but for him it changes nothing.

That's not moving on or letting go, IMO. I hope you can work on really moving on and letting go, because it strikes me as unhealthy for you.

I've had a similar issue with an ex of mine, and to some very small extent, possibly still do. I wouldn't be talking said ex if I loved her still, or at least, I would aim not to, because it's illogical; there's emotional ties that will only cause problems and get worse.

My suggestion which you can of course choose to completely ignore: if you really want to move on, leave him alone, and make sure he leaves you alone. Maybe one day you guys can talk like my ex and I do, but don't count on it. (works for me, because of indifference, bitterness, and some unpleasant, honest conversations)



I agree, but it's so hard to let go, even more so when you do talk every day 'n' that. The ex I've mentioned - well, back in the old days, we broke up and got together a few times, but that was so easy because we hung out all the time. I remember one time she came over, we were lying on my bed, (in retrospect, that was really weird in itself, since we weren't "together") but of course we ended up kissing and stuff. ¬_¬ So predictable. I think part of me knew it was wrong, but it happened anyway, I guess I kinda wanted it to? Who knows.

What I get from this, is that he's struggling to be friends with you, because, he's confused about how to be. Emotionally, mentally, and/or physically. You know how when you're together, you see each other all the time, and you get used to that; you get used to be in each others' space all the time. But what happens when you break up and decide to remain friends? You can't just magically switch all that stuff off. It's easy to cross the "friendship" line because of habit and mixed, confused feelings. That's at least how it went for me.

For both your sakes, take a break from each other... I'm not speaking days or even weeks, but months to years - however long it takes. For me, it took about 5 years or something, even after being with someone else, because of all the animosity.

Definitely think he's confused. Sounds like he's just reassuring himself. He's struggling from the sounds of it, but I don't think he's keen on admitting that to himself, or you.

Can I get an idea of what happened, here? Might give me a better idea of what he's about. For all I know, he could just be messing you about for gits and shiggles.

Sounds like you've got your head on straight. This is how I have been with the ex I now occasionally talk to, but she has been a similarish way to how your ex is with you. -_-

I just really think you need not have him in your life, for a while, at least. I think you need a break from him, and he definitely needs a break from you. I could be wrong of course, but that's what I'm getting from what you're saying.

Yep, sounds like my ex. -_- Let me guess, it makes you uncomfortable that he calls you "hun", as well?

This is why I don't bother saying something to my ex, because I'd get the same bullcrap response. Sure, maybe it's just friendly, but come on, given the circumstances, I think it's fair to say that it's plausibly not.

To conclude: he loves you, you love him, ... leave each other alone for a good long time, so you can get your heads/hearts straight.

Keep us posted, if you like.

PS
Just checked out your profile and saw what you struggle with - it strikes me that it's even more important that you guys take a long break, because you don't need this sort of emotional turmoil - you've got enough problems as it is, am I right? xD

PPS

Just started really thinking of things from his point of view, and it reminded me of another ex, one which I really cared a lot about. I had problems letting her go, to say the least. I may have even acted a bit like your ex. If he's feeling anything like what I did, then I definitely feel bad for him.

Thank you so much for your reply, it means so much to me that you actually took the time to read it through.

Yeah, I get what you're saying and in truth, I would do it, I really would and I know it needs to happen, but I just can't.

After the break up, we had 3 months of no contact and it was hard but necessary. I worked on myself and sorted out my problems, became a better person and decided to start making the life I wanted, without him.

I was certain it was over for good and I'd never hear from him again.

Whilst I realize I may have come off as a bit obsessive in my first post, I'd like to clarify that I'm emotionally stable and determined. As strange as it may seem, distancing myself like this, slowly, it helps me. It's not a direct brutal cut that'll take a long time to get adjusted to, it's a slow process where I get the time to adjust to being further and further away from him.

As to the break up, he left me because I had hurt myself during a visit and to him, it proved that I had gone nowhere with my treatment.

He felt exhausted, tired of trying to help me, I had worn him out and dragged him down with me.

The relationship was no longer a relationship, it was a prison for him. All he saw was a person who was becoming more and more self-destructive.

Everything you've said actually confirmed what I already kinda knew, that he's having difficulties himself. He's never been good with emotions, feelings for him were a toxic subject.

What exactly do you mean when you say you feel bad for him?

Warning: very light mention of self-harm.

Yep, I read through it all. 8)

Not in the sense that you're a bad person! I meant in the sense that I know how hard it is to let go when you really care about someone, and especially when they're self-destructive and stuff.

You'd probably be surprised as to just how much I relate. I was basically in the same situation that he was in with you, I believe. Or at least, similar. It certainly was a mission. In the end, I just couldn't take it anymore; I figured it was doing neither of us any good, so I called it quits, but getting over her was incredibly difficult, 'though I doubt she has any idea. I still sometimes get haunted by memories, years later. I've not spoken to her in a good few years. Just one of those things.

Knowing what you've said in your last post, only makes me further sure of what I said, I think. In-fact, thinking about it, I probably did exactly what he's doing. If he's anything like me, back then, he's probably struggling to break away and not be that crutch, because he's so used to it, cares so much for you. I really wanted to help my ex so much, even sacrificing my already-screwed up sanity at the time - I just wanted her to be happy; I bet he feels/felt similarly.

Actually, you know what, I think I see what this is... this is the situation I would have been in, had I contacted her a few months after my ex had come out of hospital and what-not, but, I let a friend speak for me, and that was the end of that; I've regretted that for years, but reading what you've said, makes me think I did the right thing, despite the pain.

I'm guessing your relationship with this guy was partly built on pain and suffering, perhaps common-ground? That's how it was with my ex 'n' I. As much as there were amazing times and as much as we were strong together, I just wasn't enough, and I couldn't handle it. Back in the day, when my ex did the stuff she did (dangerously self-destructive) I couldn't help but to take it that I meant nothing to her, that she didn't care about my feelings or the feelings of others that loved her, and I was frustrated! So, so frustrated, because it was like I could never truly help her; I could never truly be what she needed. She's married, now, hopefully happily, so it's all in the past, but it sucked at the time, to say the very least. Put it this way, it opened my eyes, I quit self-harming, started ditching my suicidal thoughts and stuff, then very gradually healed. In a strange way, I think I mourned the loss as though she had died.

Sorry to ramble.

Actually, I didn't get an obsessive vibe from it. xD But I'd understand if you were, because he was your crutch, right? He was your safety net, in a way - it's pretty hard to let the go, and well done for what you've so far managed.

PS
I like that you've been on PC for years but barely posted... hah xD That was like me, 'till I started actually using PC more, and posting more frequently, then became a CL, so it's post, post, post!

Hmm, I get what you're saying and I know for certain it was tearing at him and at some point, I guess I knew I'd be taking him down with me but it was already too late when I really realized it.

It saddens me of course that I can't truly share this 'new me' with him but something tells me he already sees it.

Seeing it from a new perspective, I get the feeling he's actually warming up to me or just trying to be really friendly, perhaps even attempting to become closer friends. I also think I'm starting to see a pattern forming.

He once again took the first step, as per usual and messaged me last night and whilst the conversation was short, he closed off with 'hun' again. I checked my facebook and I have notifications off because I hate the bleeping green light on my phone whenever I get a message. I found that he had actually messaged me IN THE MORNING, now that's rare ever since I started backing off.

The message itself was completely random, apparently he had gotten breakfast at mcd etc, but it does show that he felt the need or perhaps just thought about sharing this with me.

He's the kind of person who has an inner and outer circle of friends and although I've never met them and he never told me much about these friends, I know for certain he doesn't just message anyone nor talk to anyone unless it's relevant to him. He's an extremely private person.

I'm of course not going to read into it, but it's blatantly obvious he can't go long without talking to me and I think we both know why.

It's not because we're friends, because from what I've seen, yes I snooped on his phone, he doesn't message people that much. Could it be because he's lonely without me? I don't know.

Or could it just be a random coincidence? No.

Here's the pattern.

We all know the positive and negative effect we all have on each other. If you're annoyed and talk in a negative way, you'll most likely get a negative reply.

He's having a good day, he feels like talking and I reply in a positive way, keeping the waters flowing and the conversation going. He'll call me 'hun' and be very flirty.

Now, he's having a bad day and I message him, he doesn't seem responsive, so I back off and he get's pretty down about this, no 'hun' - no flirts, perhaps even no contact for a day or two.

And it's my turn to have a bad day, I don't seem too responsive when he's messaging me, he tries to flirt and I'm being rather short but friendly, he starts to do the same and the conversation just dies, no goodbye or cya's.

The following day he'll check back on me or perhaps try again in a day or two, but he's the one to initiate the contact, being flirty, trying to see if I'll take the "bait" - he'll try to get a response from me.

Whether or not I bite, one of the above will apply and it'll keep going on like that. A good day will end with a 'hun' and a bad day will end with nothing.

None of our conversations are the same, exactly because it depends on this pattern.