[JoshCube]

To make a long story short, I was raised in a religious movement that practiced celibacy, and my parents brainwashed me with this mess about how I couldn't have sex until marriage. I stayed a virgin until the age of 25, and I married the first woman I came across. I dropped my religion about a year ago, and I'm currently 29. I do not categorize myself as an atheist since nobody knows the ultimate answer to life and the universe.

What is really bothering me is these life upbringings screwed up my internal hormone system, and its causing me to look at women 24/7. Because she's the only one I've ever had, I've had lip biting urges to want to get with other women. Its not so much as the sex, but its the perfume, the looks, the hair, and so forth. In truth and honestly, I feel like my masculinity has sunk to the bottom of the earth for the fact I've only been with her. Watching movies where women are pole dancing and flicking their hair causes me to grip my chair, and get sweat down my face.

I've came close to cheating several times, and I'm just now thinking she's just going to leave my *** one day when I finally blow it. I feel there is no cure for this situation. Scientific studies have shown that men who have slept with multiple women before marriage have much less of a chance of going through a divorce. Because this whole thing is not out of my system, I really don't know what to do.

Is there a way out of this, or am I pretty much screwed? If I get with women, I can fulfill what I've been wanting since I was a teenager. However, if I do this, its bye bye wife.

[healingme4me]

Is this perhaps, part obsession? Yes, your wife has been your one and only, at the same time, is less meaningful sex, truly the answer? Are the two of you, just incompatible in the bedroom? Are there other marital struggles?

Is there a link to science stating divorce is less likely with more partners before marriage?

[Shadix]

Wow you sound a lot like me. I was raised somewhat religious and am now at 26 having serious doubts about my religious beliefs. I have had a lot of doubts in the past actually, but recently something snapped and I am finding myself not wanting to live my life according to religious values. But I am also not an atheist and and have not ruled out religion entirely.

However, my lack of experience with girls wasn't about religion. In high school I was socially awkward and had no social life. When I got to college I started hanging out with some guys I met through a religious organization. I met a few female friends through this group, but that's about it. I was too shy, insecure and awkward to talk to girls I was attracted to in my classes or to get involved in activities where I could meet more girls. Now after I am out of college, I am finding it very difficult to find any opportunities to meet girls.

Yes, I also obsess over girls the way you do. I get infatuated VERY easily whenever I come across a girl I find attractive and I have this feeling that something is missing from my life until I get to have some experiences with these girls. I honestly have no interest in a committed relationship and the sex matters very little to me, it is more so just the experience of "being with them" that I have idealized. It is just an automatic thought process.

I currently cannot imagine myself being married and giving up all these potential experiences. The big issue I am having though is my age. I feel like most people "play the field" when they are in the 15-24 age group and then around my age most girls are only looking for committed relationships. And of course, there seems to be this huge stigma against a guy getting involved with much younger women. I basically feel like I am being persecuted.

[hamster-bamster]

How about the wife? How many lovers did she have before she married you? If she has only been with you, do you realize that she might be harboring the same emotions you are harboring?

As I see it, 3 phenomena are present in your situation:

1) the incredibly strong draw of a forbidden fruit
2) rebellion against strict religious upbringing
3) feeling that you were shortchanged, and shortchanged severely

These phenomena are very powerful. But, your masculinity is not low and there is nothing screwed up hormonally. These phenomena are all psychological.

How many perfume bottle does your wife have? How often does she change her haircut/hairdo? Is she playful? Is she a little coquettish/flirtatious with you? Do you feel that she takes you for granted?

[Alone & confused]

I'm on the fence about this one. I'll get back to this thread later.

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Is this perhaps, part obsession? Yes, your wife has been your one and only, at the same time, is less meaningful sex, truly the answer? Are the two of you, just incompatible in the bedroom? Are there other marital struggles?

Is there a link to science stating divorce is less likely with more partners before marriage?

I don't think I have an obsession, I just feel like I want to fall in love with several different women. I'm not looking for "less meaningful sex", I want to date several women and feel an emotional attachment with them. Kissing another woman under a waterfall for example would do the day for me, even if sex wasn't involved at that time. My wife and I are very compatible, we have the same personalities, are both into video games, and we both get multiple orgasms during sex when we tell each other how much we love each other. No, there are no struggles in our marriage.

I love my wife very VERY much, don't get me wrong, its just that a part of me wants to fall in love with other women as well. I guess this is just the way my male brain is wired. I can't stop thinking about other women. I want to feel their hair....touch their skin.....press my lips against theirs.....I can't stop thinking about it.

[~Christina]

Have you talked to a Therapist about your feelings and where they are coming from ?

If you are happy with your wife on all levels then it would appear to me that you are dealing with an obsession.

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

How about the wife? How many lovers did she have before she married you? If she has only been with you, do you realize that she might be harboring the same emotions you are harboring?

As I see it, 3 phenomena are present in your situation:

1) the incredibly strong draw of a forbidden fruit
2) rebellion against strict religious upbringing
3) feeling that you were shortchanged, and shortchanged severely

These phenomena are very powerful. But, your masculinity is not low and there is nothing screwed up hormonally. These phenomena are all psychological.

How many perfume bottle does your wife have? How often does she change her haircut/hairdo? Is she playful? Is she a little coquettish/flirtatious with you? Do you feel that she takes you for granted?

She had three boyfriends before me, but only slept with two. The two guys she was sleeping with, she didn't have emotions for them. My wife doesn't use perfume, she changes her hair sometimes, and she's playful. Yes, she is flirtatious, and loves me a ton.

My question, how can I conquer this psychological thought process you described? Because of what my religion did to me, I am suffering aftermath from it. If I want something so bad, how can it be possible for me to not want it anymore?

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Have you talked to a Therapist about your feelings and where they are coming from ?

If you are happy with your wife on all levels then it would appear to me that you are dealing with an obsession.

I've thought about seeing a therapist, yes. I know why I am having these thoughts; its because I am suffering severe aftermath of what my religion did to me. Because I didn't date anyone in my younger years, married one woman, and lost my virginity to her, this has had a very bad psychological impact on me. I could care less about sex, really. I am determined to meet these women in romantic settings. However, I am concerned my wife would leave me if she found out I was doing this..........

[Webgoji]

To answer your question, no you aren't screwed. My wife was my first as well. For different reasons, but the same outcome. From my perspective it's a matter of seeing what you have in front of you instead of checking out the grass on the other side of the fence.

Originally Posted by JoshCube

Scientific studies have shown that men who have slept with multiple women before marriage have much less of a chance of going through a divorce.

Don't settle in on this. Just because other men couldn't control themselves doesn't mean you can't. If you guys are having trouble, then you need to go to couples counseling and work it out. But if it's just that you see a hot woman and get all sweaty-palmed, then that's fine, just control those impulses.

[Trippin2.0]

Sounds like you're being greedy more than anything else, and blaming your prior religious beliefs is a way to justify this.


Sorry to be so blunt but I call it how I see it.


You say its not about sex, but then go onto say you never dated because premarital sex was not permitted so there would not have been any point in dating.... Then you change your tune and say your personality disorder kept you from dating...



Whichever it is, idk maybe its a combo.


Maybe you're not greedy, maybe you're simply not the monogamous type and that is actually the issue, not religious aftermath.

[marmaduke]

One important question.
Do you love your wife?

[ConfusedBLP]

Well my friend, I think you need to sit down with your woman and talk to her, I mean make her understand your situation. This may be an utterly crap idea but I believe it would do you more good then talking about it here.

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

To answer your question, no you aren't screwed. My wife was my first as well. For different reasons, but the same outcome. From my perspective it's a matter of seeing what you have in front of you instead of checking out the grass on the other side of the fence.


Don't settle in on this. Just because other men couldn't control themselves doesn't mean you can't. If you guys are having trouble, then you need to go to couples counseling and work it out. But if it's just that you see a hot woman and get all sweaty-palmed, then that's fine, just control those impulses.

Counseling could work, but I'd still have to figure out how to control my desires.

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Sounds like you're being greedy more than anything else, and blaming your prior religious beliefs is a way to justify this.


Sorry to be so blunt but I call it how I see it.


You say its not about sex, but then go onto say you never dated because premarital sex was not permitted so there would not have been any point in dating.... Then you change your tune and say your personality disorder kept you from dating...



Whichever it is, idk maybe its a combo.


Maybe you're not greedy, maybe you're simply not the monogamous type and that is actually the issue, not religious aftermath.

Right, I didn't date, because the dating would have led to sex. I didn't want to date a woman, and then see her leave me once I told her the bad news about my religion. My religion is what caused the personality disorder in the first place.

I felt monogamous when I was newly married to my wife, and was still religious. My personality has changed since I lost my virginity to her, and since I dropped my religion. I'm just very upset, because I didn't get to date multiple women before settling down, and I'm trying to see if there's a way to turn back the clocks.

EDIT: By the way, my religion taught celibacy. Because it says you can't have sex before marriage, it pretty much puts you in a celibacy position. I feel like I'm a bottle full of air that got pressed over the years, and then finally exploded.

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

One important question.
Do you love your wife?

Yes, a whole lot. I even made this music video for her.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by JoshCube

I don't think I have an obsession, I just feel like I want to fall in love with several different women. I'm not looking for "less meaningful sex", I want to date several women and feel an emotional attachment with them. Kissing another woman under a waterfall for example would do the day for me, even if sex wasn't involved at that time. My wife and I are very compatible, we have the same personalities, are both into video games, and we both get multiple orgasms during sex when we tell each other how much we love each other. No, there are no struggles in our marriage.

I love my wife very VERY much, don't get me wrong, its just that a part of me wants to fall in love with other women as well. I guess this is just the way my male brain is wired. I can't stop thinking about other women. I want to feel their hair....touch their skin.....press my lips against theirs.....I can't stop thinking about it.

I understand what you are expressing. I'm not personally convinced that this is strictly because of your religious upbringing. Similar statements have been made historically with varying reasons as motives, to justify the desire to stray.

I'm sure the upbringing caused it's own damage, yet, life is typically much more complex than that.

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by ConfusedBLP

Well my friend, I think you need to sit down with your woman and talk to her, I mean make her understand your situation. This may be an utterly crap idea but I believe it would do you more good then talking about it here.

I've already tried this several times. She said if another woman tried to pull me from her, she would go after the woman.

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I understand what you are expressing. I'm not personally convinced that this is strictly because of your religious upbringing. Similar statements have been made historically with varying reasons as motives, to justify the desire to stray.

I'm sure the upbringing caused it's own damage, yet, life is typically much more complex than that.

Well, if it wasn't my religious upbringing, then what was it?

[healingme4me]

Could be any number of MI's driving the compulsive thinking patterns. Blame has roots in a couple disorders.
If you felt oppressed by parents, could be symptomatic of Adult Child of Dysfunction, mix in Child of a person with a personality disorder, there's a plethora of combinations.
Religion as an oppressive tool in parenting isn't the only tool. Seeking that in love feeling, is just one feeling people seek.

Mentioning that your gf, would go after any woman that tried to take you, raises eyebrows

[JoshCube]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Could be any number of MI's driving the compulsive thinking patterns. Blame has roots in a couple disorders.
If you felt oppressed by parents, could be symptomatic of Adult Child of Dysfunction, mix in Child of a person with a personality disorder, there's a plethora of combinations.
Religion as an oppressive tool in parenting isn't the only tool. Seeking that in love feeling, is just one feeling people seek.

Mentioning that your gf, would go after any woman that tried to take you, raises eyebrows

I just went into deep thought just now, and yes, there were other reasons mixed in with religion.

I was currently living in Arizona at the time I was 18, and I was suffering from depression from being home schooled my entire life, and not having a social life. Being home schooled my whole life caused me to have a personality disorder where I couldn't carry successful conversations with people, couldn't read body language, and didn't understand what anyone was talking about half the time. This hindered me from dating, because you need these skills in order to date (such as reading body language). I was working at Wal-Mart at this time, and a bunch of employees constantly made fun of me, laughed at me, and said nasty things behind my back. Homeschooling does cause children to develop personality disorders, because there is no social interaction. It is no myth.

Another factor mixed in with all this was the area being Arizona. It got hot there at around 100+ degrees per day which made people feel like staying in doors all day. Not only that, the state ranks #1 on a lot of sites for highest crime, so it was also hard for me to make friends there due to that. There's also a large percentage of people there that are on depression meds due to the heat, on illegal drugs, and there's also a large suicide rate there. The education system there has been ranked 50th out of all the states, there are no fun things to do in the state, there's shootings every day, the people are rude, and the list goes on. I remember one day, I just sat in my room and wanted to commit suicide, asking God to spare my soul when I was done.

So yeah, these were all factors that affected my mentality that caused me not to date. The religious part was the main reason, but all these other reasons were right behind it. I left Arizona and moved to a very educated state, and these problems stopped.

EDIT: She would go after her as in preventing her from being with me.

[Shadix]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Sounds like you're being greedy more than anything else, and blaming your prior religious beliefs is a way to justify this.


Sorry to be so blunt but I call it how I see it.


You say its not about sex, but then go onto say you never dated because premarital sex was not permitted so there would not have been any point in dating.... Then you change your tune and say your personality disorder kept you from dating...



Whichever it is, idk maybe its a combo.


Maybe you're not greedy, maybe you're simply not the monogamous type and that is actually the issue, not religious aftermath.

I don't understand why you are so determined to dismiss the idea that his current feelings are due to his lack of dating experiences. Did you go through life without having any dating experiences then settle down and live happily ever after with your first love? Because from what I can see, very few women have this experience, yet so many of them seem determined to deny that it has any adverse effects.

[Shadix]

I find it funny how young people are basically seen as oppressed if they don't get to play the field, but if they get older and still haven't gotten the chance, it is now justified and they should just get over it. Doesn't make sense.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by JoshCube

I've already tried this several times. She said if another woman tried to pull me from her, she would go after the woman.

What?..

How did you manage to portray the situation as the exact opposite of reality to your wife? There are no women currently trying to pull you away from her (per your report). Why did the conversation take this kind of a turn? Yes, your wife's response does raise eyebrows, but so does the fact that either your wife did not understand your point, or, that you failed to convey it. If the latter, then the question is - why? On the thread, you have described your feelings quite clearly and succinctly, even with vivid language (the waterfall example). I cannot believe that a person who was presented with the info that we have been presented on this thread would conclude that there are sirens and vixens scheming to steal you from your wife. So how did the conversation take such an unexpected turn?

If you think through this, you might have interesting insights...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by JoshCube

I just went into deep thought just now, and yes, there were other reasons mixed in with religion.

I was currently living in Arizona at the time I was 18, and I was suffering from depression from being home schooled my entire life, and not having a social life. Being home schooled my whole life caused me to have a personality disorder where I couldn't carry successful conversations with people, couldn't read body language, and didn't understand what anyone was talking about half the time. This hindered me from dating, because you need these skills in order to date (such as reading body language). I was working at Wal-Mart at this time, and a bunch of employees constantly made fun of me, laughed at me, and said nasty things behind my back. Homeschooling does cause children to develop personality disorders, because there is no social interaction. It is no myth.

Another factor mixed in with all this was the area being Arizona. It got hot there at around 100+ degrees per day which made people feel like staying in doors all day. Not only that, the state ranks #1 on a lot of sites for highest crime, so it was also hard for me to make friends there due to that. There's also a large percentage of people there that are on depression meds due to the heat, on illegal drugs, and there's also a large suicide rate there. The education system there has been ranked 50th out of all the states, there are no fun things to do in the state, there's shootings every day, the people are rude, and the list goes on. I remember one day, I just sat in my room and wanted to commit suicide, asking God to spare my soul when I was done.

So yeah, these were all factors that affected my mentality that caused me not to date. The religious part was the main reason, but all these other reasons were right behind it. I left Arizona and moved to a very educated state, and these problems stopped.

Oh, not just education, but the cheeeeese in Wisconsin .

So, that post gives quite a bit of info. An overload, almost.

Let us start with this:

- you are in a good state
- you have a good wife
- you and your wife seem to be having incredibly good sex together
- your wife is extremely possessive (that she would go after THAT WOMAN and not deal with YOU means that she is extremely possessive - you are not a person but a possession of hers in her mind, and one does not talk with possessions; THAT OTHER WOMAN is a person and therefore your wife would go after HER)
- you are no longer suicidal
- you seem to have enough financial resources for basis survival
- you can think picturesquely and express your feelings well (how you described that wanting to breathe in the perfume or scent of hair was evocative)
- you know a whole bunch of stats and rankings
- you reason well and your thoughts are well organized

So... for a boy who wanted to commit suicide, who was homeschooled restrictively and raised with strict dogma in oppressive isolation from social life and peer interaction... you have come a long, long way! You are a positive outcome. Do you realize that had you committed suicide as a boy, nothing would be left of you now except for worm-laced decaying flesh or some ashes? Nobody would have posted this thread and nobody would have given your wife those multiple orgasms. Nobody would be between a rock (your wife's being quite possessive ) and a hard place (no, absolutely no pun intended ). Nobody would be tormented the way you are now. Nobody would be celebrating the victory of charting your own course in life (that you severed the connection with religion that was indeed very oppressive in your case) rather than trying to mold to the expectations with which you were raised. Nobody would feel the draw of feminine perfume. Nobody would be able to compare the weather in WI and AZ. Nobody, nobody, nobody.
A dead body is just a dead body - no feelings, no thoughts, no temptations, no victories, no olfactory or visual sense, no nothing.

Somehow you have come such a long way, but completely fail to appreciate it and to give yourself (and your wife, I am positive about it) credit for your being alive and well and just a little tormented. Because look - what got fixed from how it was broken during the days of your youth?

Everything, except that you feel shortchanged that you did not closely know more women.

So what do you do? Do you choose to say: "Wow, pretty much everything is SO wonderful right now... I cannot believe that I wanted to take my own life back then... I better count my blessings"?

No, you choose to dwell on that one thing that makes you feel shortchanged. I am not discounting your feeling, nor saying that you are in any way wrong in feeling what you are feeling. It could be because you feel shortchanged, or it could be that you are not set up for monogamy right now, or it could be that you are just not set up for monogamy altogether, or it could be that you in reality might be able to enjoy monogamy perfectly fine were it not for the extreme possessiveness of your wife, because her extreme possessiveness intensifies the forbidden fruit aspect of your predicament...

let me digress here... hypothetically, imagine that your wife said: "Oh sweetie, but of course, I understand how you feel - I do not want to limit you. Sure thing I have no issues." Would you:

- jump three times in place, clap your hands, give your wife a bear hug and run straight to that waterfall where women with gorgeous hair and exquisite perfume have already been patiently waiting for your arrival,

OR,

- think... think... think and kind of decide that all that variety is really not worth it, because there might be a lot of drama, and, what if you accumulate so many women that you would start forgetting their names, and they would start leaving you en masse, offended that you said "Ashley" to "Jessica" or vice versa, and if this is so complicated and they would leave you eventually anyway, then WHY EVEN START?

So one realizes that hypotheticals are just that, but still, if you imagine that your wife were OK with your dating other women and decide which option you'd be more likely to take, you then MIGHT determine the weight of the forbidden fruit factor in your dilemma.

So back to counting or discounting your blessings. You are discounting your blessings and focusing on that one problem alone. Why don't you take a break from trying to make any choices, do not talk to your wife about it for now, but instead talk to her about how grateful you are for her being such a positive presence in your life. And then patiently count just how many things are going well right now.

And then after you feel that you have achieved the state of gratitude that is commensurate with how much better your life is now vs. just 10 years ago, revisit the dilemma that has brought you here.

Plus, it is the month of giving thanks anyway!

PS I think that the reason that several posters suspected that you are obsessed is not because of the content of your thoughts on that matter, but because you somehow only dwell on the negative and lose sight of the big picture. If not obsession, this is most definitely tunnel vision - not in a negative sense (seeing nothing but your own POV) but in a purely descriptive sense - you do not have peripheral vision.

Take a long look at this image and see what associations or thoughts or emotions come up:

https://www.google.com/search?q=tunn...2F%3B700%3B560