[Orangeblossom26]

I have been with my boyfriend almost 2 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and we have son together. He is the greatest guy I ever met and we get along great. We met online and our first year dating was a long distance relationship. When I became pregnant he transferred his job and we moved in together. So far this year we have only had sex 3 times, I tried talking to him about our sex life but he gets defensive every time I bring it up. He tells me things like he knows he needs to be more affectionate and he will work on it. This whole situation has caused me to lose my self esteem I don't know why we aren't having sex. Is it me? Is it him? I feel like he isn't attracted to me. I tell him I feel like he doesn't want me and says he does. He says he loves me and I honestly believe him. Despite having no sex life he shows his love in other ways. For me sex is more that just the physical, it what people do when they love each other. I explained to him that sex is a important part of a relationship for me. Although it not the most important having a healthy sex life is important to me. I have no idea what to do or think about this issue. I love him I don't want to lose him but can we really have a great relationship without sex? Especially when one is completely unhappy about it?

[healingme4me]

I don't feel a romantic relationship is truly sustainable without it. Unless your partner is medically ill or similar, at least you'd have your answer if that were the case.

Actions speak louder than words, just saying he'll work on it, isn't enough. It's lip service.

Is there a medical reason? Will he see a doctor? Or was he like this before?

[Firecrystal]

This problem is more common than people admit. The anwer to your question is a mystery because the only one who knows what's wrong is him. He's not interested in sex and he doesn't like talking about it. How is he affectionate in "other ways"? Have you tried to initiate with him and if so does he pull away? Or does he just get tired?

[Rose76]

The short answer is "No." I'ld guess one of two things is going on. He may have a profound sexual problem. Or - he may love you, but may not be in love with you. That could be because the two of you got living together before knowing each other well enough.

So for the first year dating, it was long distance, which meant there wasn't much sex. Then you just told us the second year has been without much sex. Either this guy is not that into sex, or he is getting his sex with someone other than you. It sounds kind of amazing that the two of you produced a daughter. Maybe he is staying with you because he cares a lot about the daughter.

I'm sure you are very unhappy, and I don't see a lot of hope that this is going to improve. I keep seeing where relationships that start on line and stay long distance for quite a while tend to produce huge surprises/disappointments. If I were you, I would avoid doing anything big like buying a house or having another child with this man anytime soon. You may want out of this situation.

If this guy is over the age of 35, he may have just adapted to not having a partner. He may be a closet gay man. Ask yourself, "Why was he unattached at the time that you connected with him?"

[Tommo]

Are you a physical turnoff??? Do you look the same as when you first got together??? Who knows what the prolbem is...maybe it's a gender identity issue.

He is from another place and you met over the net. How well do you REALLY know him??? I just had a good lady friend go through this ordeal. Her new husband wasn't who he said he was...sexually. You both need counselling...especially because you have a new kid.

My apologies for sounding so rough...but you need to deal with this ASAP or you will turn around and...pfft...20 years will be gone.

[Orangeblossom26]

He kisses me, he holds me stuff like that. Whenever we have sex it's because I initiate it by giving him oral. He doesn't do much tho just missionary and it's a turn off for me because I enjoy sex and I'm the kind of person that will be open minded about anything and willing to trying anything at least once. I don't expect for him to be some big freak or have sex every day but I do expect for him to give some kind of effort and meet me halfway.

[Rose76]

He is who he is, and sex is not something he cares that much about. I don't believe that is something you can change in a person. I don't think it's something he can even change about himself. It's an unfortunate situation.

[RomanSunburn]

I have to be quite honest. I'm surprised no one has mentioned anything about the complete upheaval your life has been...for both of you. If you look at the list of big stressors, you guys have done several (Holmes and Rahe stress scale - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia). The poor man could just be stressed out of his mind.

You guys were dating long distance. Then you got pregnant. Then HE moved. You both adjusted to living together. He started a new job (maybe the same job in a new place, but that's nerve-wracking enough). And now you're raising your two children (and, btw, you're more used to parenthood than he is. He just became a father of two practically over night). And this is all only in two years! My goodness, if he wasn't stressed, I'd be worried! Maybe performance anxiety is just too much for him right now, or maybe he's just plain exhausted from being stressed, or being a new dad, or starting a new job.

I've done the long distance thing. My husband and I started by dating long distance for four years. Moving in together was extremely stressful. We moved half way across the country, away from any one we knew except each other, and he was starting a brand new job. He was extremely stressed, we didn't have a lot of sex, and I was having the same thoughts you were. You need to try to sit down with your boyfriend and discuss the underlying issue, but you have to try to do it without blaming or accusing. Not an easy task.

I don't think it would be a bad idea to think about therapy, either couples or just for yourself (though, he probably needs his own individual therapy too to help him cope with all these changes he's been going through). You say he gets defensive when you try to talk about it, but how are you bringing up the conversation. 'Honey, why do we never have sex?' What kind of answer can that lead to? ''I don't know." Try using I-statements. "I feel x when you do y because of z. Next time, could we try abc?" I also suggest just talking to him... Not about sex, but just about how he feels, how he's doing right now. Maybe he's not feeling loved right now, and that's getting in the way. Talk to him about how he's coping with all the new adjustments. And really listen. See if there are changes that both of you need to make together. Maybe all it takes is giving the whole thing a bit of time to see if it resolves itself when the stress levels go down.

Good luck, and remember to take care of yourself!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Orangeblossom26

I have been with my boyfriend almost 2 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and we have son together. He is the greatest guy I ever met and we get along great. We met online and our first year dating was a long distance relationship. When I became pregnant he transferred his job and we moved in together

I am just probing in the direction given by RomanSunburn - so you were in NYC and he transferred his job from somewhere to NYC? Where was the somewhere? If he was raised and used to live in the middle of nowhere and transferred right into Big Apple, there you have another big big life change and a stressor. It is called BIG Apple for a reason. The lifestyle is totally different. It is a country of its own... not really like the rest of the US. A country boy uprooted and planted in NYC with a baby, a step kid, and a woman he does not really know that well... this could be the culprit. Not necessarily IS, but could be.

[gloamingone]

I'm kind of in the same sexual boat as you are. Two years, very little sex. Like every four to six months. It's killing me. He has low testosterone (he's 58), and he simply doesn't want to do anything about it. No doctor, no therapy. I love him enough to stay with him for now, but I suspect that when I have the financial resources, I'm going to move on. IMO, a healthy relationship involves the powerful intimacy of physical love.

That being said, it's very possible that the stress of the changes is really getting to him.

For the time being, before you make any decisions, try being loving and compassionate towards him. Don't bring up sex for now. Just let him know you love him and are there for him. Who knows? Maybe with the support you give him, his stress will become easier to manage, and you guys can get back on track.

Good luck!

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