[Werewoman]

It was suggested by healingme4me that I post this here too and I thought it was a great idea, so here goes.

So a few days ago I found this awesome article...

What I Wish People Knew about Depression | World of Psychology

...and after reading it, I showed it to my husband of 22 years. I know my behavior can be very confusing for him sometimes, and I thought this article might help him understand me better. I especially liked the 'sneezing' analogy - I suppose partly because there is absolutely nothing dainty about the way I sneeze, and I never sneeze only once. It's usually more like at least 5 or 6 times. My personal best is 13...

Anyway, after reading the article, he just looked at me and said, "I didn't know you had depression."

I was absolutely stunned. He said he knew I had PTSD, but that was all. What I find so disturbing about this is that about 6 years ago he had me committed (with my cooperation) to a psych hospital where I was placed in the D&D unit. (Drug abuse and Depression) How is it this possible? He actually let me be locked up in a place to treat my depression and didn't know that was one reason I was put in that particular unit?

I don't know if he simply doesn't care enough to learn what PTSD really is, though I thought he did, or it he'd prefer that I just get over it. I later asked him how he couldn't know about my depression when I had been taking anti-depressants for a decade or so, and he said he didn't know what drugs I was taking. I have always told him what drugs I take and share any changes my pdoc makes just in case I have a bad reaction.

I don't know what to think about this. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but frankly, I have always had this feeling that he just wants me to get over it and doesn't want to deal with it. I thought it was just my insecurities and paranoia. Now, I don't know what to think. I have been in the throes of a major depressive episode for a while now, probably the longest I have ever experienced. I see my pdoc on Thursday, thank God.

Is this my fault for not making certain he understood my illness? I've always shared as much as I think he can take. I don't talk a lot about the details of my childhood abuse simply because for one thing, who wants to hear about it, and second, I don't see how talking about it all the time makes things better. He is aware of the nature of the abuse, and I have shared some details that were relevant to our relationship in the sense that some of my triggers affect him as much as they do me. In short, I really thought he had a clue and now that I know he really doesn't, I don't know what to do with this new found knowledge. I cry everyday when I am alone. I don't cry around him anymore because one night a few months ago, I was crying over my frustration trying to find a job I really wanted and he told me to stop. Since then, I haven't cried around him.

He has never been like this - ever. The only thing I can figure out is that he's simply tired of dealing with it. I know I certainly am, so why wouldn't he be as well? Something has changed, and I can't explain it and I don't understand it, and I don't like the things I have begun thinking about that I thought I was long past thinking about - like simply wanting to disappear.

We have always had our ups and downs like any couple but we have always been faithful and devoted to one another. We consider ourselves to be soul mates, but ever since he made that comment, I am having serious doubts.

Is this normal for couples when one has PTSD or other MI issues? This is completely new territory for me.

Thanks for any input anyone may have.

WW

[jelly-bean]

It is not unusual for one spouse to not understand the issues of the other when it comes to mental health issues. Even if they know the name of the diagnosis, most husbands or wives do not know anything about the illness itself unless you make it a point to teach them. Your husband is not alone and neither are you. Take him to your Therapist or pdoc and have them give him a lesson or two if he is willing to learn or just get him to Google it. At least that would be something.

[healingme4me]

I think, if it were myself, I would feel as though, I wasn't being seen as a whole person. Would be akin to saying, oh, you have MS, I had no idea(i have ms, hence the reference). I don't expect that my illness experience is to be fully understood, yet, to know it's there, and what needs to happen around me, to try and keep stress down to try to stay healthy.
Which is why acknowledgement of depression with the PTSD is important. Not to tiptoe, but to recognize, hey, not getting that job hurt. Don't say stop crying, say let it out, you'll get through this. Being your soulmate, it's expected for him to be your best friend. If you were a guy, if circumstances were ideal, wouldn't they grab a few pints, together, and set up a gameplan?

Have you told him how you are feeling yet, or waiting until after therapy, this week?

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[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

It is not unusual for one spouse to not understand the issues of the other when it comes to mental health issues. Even if they know the name of the diagnosis, most husbands or wives do not know anything about the illness itself unless you make it a point to teach them. Your husband is not alone and neither are you. Take him to your Therapist or pdoc and have them give him a lesson or two if he is willing to learn or just get him to Google it. At least that would be something.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the hat.....

I have done and suggested all you have which is why I thought he understood. Not to mention all the times he's talked about that he wondered why I did this or that and I tried my best to explain. Apparently not good enough, huh?

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I think, if it were myself, I would feel as though, I wasn't being seen as a whole person. Would be akin to saying, oh, you have MS, I had no idea(i have ms, hence the reference). I don't expect that my illness experience is to be fully understood, yet, to know it's there, and what needs to happen around me, to try and keep stress down to try to stay healthy.
Which is why acknowledgement of depression with the PTSD is important. Not to tiptoe, but to recognize, hey, not getting that job hurt. Don't say stop crying, say let it out, you'll get through this. Being your soulmate, it's expected for him to be your best friend. If you were a guy, if circumstances were ideal, wouldn't they grab a few pints, together, and set up a gameplan?

Have you told him how you are feeling yet, or waiting until after therapy, this week?

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I told him when he said it how I was feeling, which is why I really think he's just tired of hearing about it. I will say this much, the next time he tells me to stop crying or whatever, I may just go all PTSD on his ***. I have always avoided doing that because I don't think it's fair to take it out on him or anyone else for that matter, which is why when I am having a bad day, I go off by myself until I get over it because I don't want to hurt anyone - not that I actually believe I will, I just don't want to take that chance.

I'm very sad to hear that you have MS. I know we all have our crosses to bear, and sometimes I have to be reminded to get off of my pity pot.

[healingme4me]

he has his 50% to pull in the relationship. He needs to educate himself, enough, to know that though the job was a disappointment, with your ptsd and depression, it's more than that. Of course you are trying to educate him, he needs to know how to handle life's setbacks, so that you keep sensing a sense of soulmate, friend, companion, and compassion from him. With abusive childhoods, things like these are amplified. I'm sure, you'd know what to do, in case he pulls his back again(reference from ptsd forum), it's up to him to know how these things are for you, to keep you supported and ready to lift you up, as that's what companions do. So, because he's not educating himself, you're left not only feeling low about that job, but also doubtful about your relationship, double stressor.
I don't always mention my illness, i can count my flares on one hand, over the past (nearly) 15 years.
And I see this far from a pity party, ((((WW))))) It's important, to feel heard, understood, cherished, nurtured and more.

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[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

he has his 50% to pull in the relationship. He needs to educate himself, enough, to know that though the job was a disappointment, with your ptsd and depression, it's more than that. Of course you are trying to educate him, he needs to know how to handle life's setbacks, so that you keep sensing a sense of soulmate, friend, companion, and compassion from him. With abusive childhoods, things like these are amplified. I'm sure, you'd know what to do, in case he pulls his back again(reference from ptsd forum), it's up to him to know how these things are for you, to keep you supported and ready to lift you up, as that's what companions do. So, because he's not educating himself, you're left not only feeling low about that job, but also doubtful about your relationship, double stressor.
I don't always mention my illness, i can count my flares on one hand, over the past (nearly) 15 years.
And I see this far from a pity party, ((((WW))))) It's important, to feel heard, understood, cherished, nurtured and more.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Thanks for being the voice of reason and wisdom I am really needing right now. I think the best thing for me to do is bring it up this week with my T and pdoc because since I have tried in the past to educate him, maybe there's a different approach I can take that would be more effective since my efforts in the past have not been as effective as I thought.

I think it also frustrates the hell out of me because I can tell the minute he walks in the house from work how his back is feeling simply by the way he walks, so I guess it stands to reason that he should be able to take one look at my face to know if I am having 'one of my days'. Maybe he does and I don't know it, but it would be nice to know that he at least can recognize my signals as well as I can recognize his.

Oh, and since then, I got a different and even better job, so there's that, which I am thrilled about! Maybe it's the roller coaster ride I seem to always be on that drives him nuts?

[healingme4me]

That's awesome news, on the job front

Maybe there's a solution, to getting him a little more aware? I like the suggestion, somewhere on one of the two forums about eventually having him go with you, to an appointment. We can do that for physical health, why not emotional health?

A little tweaking of how you both interact, seems like it could get you both back to where you feel like soul mates? Couldn't hurt, at least I hope it wouldn't hurt?



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[hvert]

I wonder if this is not so much a MI thing but a male/female thing? Your comment about knowing how his back is when he walks in the room -- I think most women are just on a different wave length from most men when it comes to those things. Not justifying it, just observing that if you mention this to a group of girlfriends, I bet you'll hear a lot of similar stories.

Also, and this is where the phrasing gets tricky for me -- this seems like a two way communication problem. He didn't know you were depressed for six years and you didn't know that he didn't know. Would his actions have been any different if he had known? What would you have done differently if you knew that he didn't know?

I would also be very unhappy to learn that my partner didn't even know what my diagnosis was after so many years. I hope you guys can work it out!

[Open Eyes]

I think men do so much better when they are given ways they can be "helpful" rather then just explaining to them how bad it is. Men are fixers and they just do better when they are given tools so that they can be "helpful" with problems that come up. Men are not born nurturers and they are simply not as emotionally complex as women are either.

Your husband is trying to be active and manage even though his back bothers him and that can be a lot as having back problems can be exhausting too. I think that the two of you have to learn how to be more supportive of each other as you are "both" challenged.

[Werewoman]

Well, I was so miserable today that I called him on my lunch break and told him exactly how I felt, how scared I was that if something ever went really wrong with me and I had to go to the ER or something, and he couldn't tell them what was wrong or what meds I was taking especially if I was in no condition to tell them myself.

To make a long story short, he really thought he knew more than he does. My efforts to explain things I think ended up confusing him more than helping him and he didn't know how to tell me, I guess. I keep my meds locked up, which I suppose doesn't help, but as I pointed out to him, I have always told him what drugs I take and if my pdoc makes any changes, I tell him that too. Apparently, I need to write it down and put it in his wallet.

I also asked him to look up PTSD and even gave him some ideas as to where to look on the internet for reliable information. I don't remember if I've ever asked him to do that before. I have taken him to many therapy appointments over the years, the last one a few months ago so that he could what I do during EMDR sessions. I think before that, it freaked him out a little. He didn't say much afterwards - typical man, right? He just said he felt better about it after that.

So I hope maybe this time I got through to him. I haven't seen him yet today since we work different shifts and he won't be home for a few more hours.

Thanks for all the input, y'all. It really helps.

WW