When People Don't Reply

Just wondering what the general consensus in this forum is...

When you text, FB message, or email someone (I'm talking about a good friend or family member) and they consistently either don't reply or take several days to reply to you, how do you feel about that?

It upset me of course , no one likes to be ignored

This is how I feel as well. My best friend is notoriously bad about communicating, and we've had a couple of major fights about it where she's said she'd try to be better, and I've said I would try not to take things so personally. But still, it's me sending texts and messages (mind you, I don't text every day) and her taking days or even up to a few weeks to reply. She says I'm too hard on people...which I know I probably am, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to put up with this, especially when I've brought it up several times, and let her know (both calmly and not so calmly) that it hurts me. I know I tend to cut and run, burn bridges, and I just don't want to overreact and lose a friend over something that, to people who don't struggle with relationships, may be silly.

I'm on the verge of ending a 17 year friendship over this...

I always get the excuse of I am busy with work or I sent you an e-mail didn't you get it ?
Sorry your going threw this ...

I get that sometimes as well, though my friends are mainly busy being parents Or I get the "I typed the whole text and then forgot to send it!" which I'll admit, I've done.

I'm a nursing student. I understand busy, like REALLY understand busy. Which is why I text. To me, there is no excuse for not answering a text, at least with a "saw your text, busy at the moment, I'll get back to you soon." But that's just me. But I also have issues feeling ignored, so I suppose I take it harder.

I tend to be on the other side of things. I get so many messages from people (text, email, fb) that I often feel overwhelmed. I feel so much pressured to respond-- even when I don't want to or don't have time to. I would say that if you are always the one initiating the messages-- and your friend is not initiating any contact-- then it may be a sign that she is distancing herself from the friendship, for whatever reason (too many other commitments, other friends who are closer, too many hours at work, etc). When someone is feeling overwhelmed and pressured, the LAST thing they want is even more messages or a guilt trip for not responding. That is probably the fastest way to push someone away. I know not hearing back from a friend sucks, but it sounds like she is busy and has other commitments or relationships that she is prioritizing right now. Do you have other friends you can reach out to instead?

I find that some people prefer one kind of communication method over another. I keep my phone on silent and sometimes forget to check it for a couple of days, so text isn't a great way to get my immediate attention.

If I message someone and they don't get back to me, I remember how I am with texts and I assume that I chose the wrong messaging system. If I sent them an email, I will wonder if they got it or if it went into the spam folder. If I keep reaching out and they always take a while to get back to me, I usually just stop reaching out so much and also stop expecting a response from that person using that form of communication.

I figure out the best way a person likes to communicate and do so..If I really need them to respond I just call them.

Im not always quick to respond to a text and honestly I often go a week without looking at my email .

I assumed this as well. I said that, if it was her way of distancing from our friendship, I understood and would leave it at that. I also gave other options for communication.

It isn't as though I message/text this person every day or even every week. I don't have the time. But when I do, I would like a reply. It doesn't even have to be right away. But being ignored stinks.

She assured me that it was not her distancing, and that she is just a poor communicator, and that she knows she needs to work on it. She said that she really wants to remain friends--which we have been very close for 17 years--and so I agreed to do this. She said that she preferred texting over FB messaging, and so I complied. And still...it hasn't really gotten better. The main thing is that, when I am feeling overwhelmed and busy, I say so. And I say that I may not be getting back to her quickly, and etc. When she is feeling overwhelmed, I wouldn't know it because she doesn't tell me much of anything, even if I ask. She is getting better about it, I will admit. This isn't anything to do with me but rather her own issue which she's been dealing with for a long time.

WOW! My bf or schizophrenic boyfriend NEVER replies but he alternately blocks and unblocks us...but I think that is different than what you are asking right? He is delusional and paranoid so I think in his case he wants to hear from us but is too paranoid to respond...but in regular people's cases, I think it depends on the person..my daughter for instance almost never replies right away and I don't take it personally..I guess it depends on the person and you gotta take into account the busyness of their lives..do they work, what kind of job, did something happen...best thing I found is not to take it personally....hope this helps...

I'm gonna be honest I don't really care. I used to be SO obsessive over it as a teenager and if my boyfriend didn't reply within half an hour Id panic and flip and question his love for me or if he is okay.
Now that my boyfriend (different one) lives with me, I don't care or even expect his phone to be on lol. I never reply or take days to reply.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I have a history of borderline personality disorder and depression, and I know that my perspective on relating to other people is a little flawed i.e. I tend to take things way too personally. That said, and recognizing that, I can also sway too far in the other direction of allowing people to walk all over me because I think that "normal" people would be more laid back in a relationship than I would, etc. So I wanted to pose the question to the masses.

I'm better than I used to be with my BPD; it rarely, if ever, gets in the way of my everyday life. But it still gets in the way of my personal life in that I'm still unsure of where to draw boundaries with people. Yes, I've read the books on boundaries people suggested; it's one thing to know about boundaries and another to understand them intrinsically. With my best friend, I know that she likes me. If she didn't, god knows she would have left during one of my four hospitalizations or one of my crazy flip-out's back in the day.

I had an issue happen just today where a friend I've had less than a year flaked out on plans we had tonight. I made plans at her urging--she said she really wanted to hang out with me, so I made plans with her and another friend. Turns out she forgot, and made plans with someone else. This is the third time she's done that. I was like, hey that's kind of disrespectful...if you want to do something with me again, you'll have to do the planning because I'm kind of tired of this s***. She is irritated with me, doesn't see what she's done wrong. Granted, she's much younger than I am and I was pretty flaky at her age as well. So maybe I'm both hard on people and also a little reasonable? I don't know. I'm willing to bend on the text/email/message thing a little, not so much on the flaking out on plans three times thing, lol.

I think in general it is rude. Unless for example that is the situation when my dad was retired (he went back to work) and sent us up to ten emails a day with some political message and then was upset we didn't reply. I told him I am busy all day and cannot possibly read and reply to all that as it is not even something I understand (some conspiracy theory). Or he would send offensive emails and expect replies. Not gonna happen.

Also there are some circumstances like when I am depressed and pains to even talk to anyone I send a text to my mom or borther that I would reply tomorrow but those are special cases. In general not replying is RUDE. I recently dated someone like that, it was awful, I ended it, he never replied but I yesterday discovered some evidence that he perhaps was seeing someone else the entire time. So not replying at all or waiting long is a major RED FLAG for me.

My therapist told me that it is entirely normal to expect people to reply to keep plans etc If they repeatedly don't, that is the sign they aren't emotionally avilable and arent healthy and I am better off to run. when i tolod her I feel I must lower my expectations she said no you don't, what you expect is normal and healthy and stir away from those who don't deliver and I believed her! So you are right and that friend is wrong and no you arent hard on people

it is rude, see my replies lower

it is a healthy expectation for people to reply

I would have no expectations - I do not think that is right that they do not take the time to respond...but I doubt they will change. After all these years you can figure out how you want to deal with it....but getting upset over the same behavior time and time again is not helpful to you. You obviously cannot count on this person in some ways. Adapting to it will be easier than you trying to change the other person.. maybe if they miss out on a thing or two for not checking messages and replying they may get the picture.. and maybe not

Yeah, I can deal with people who don't respond to me, but not people who cancel all the time. I just wouldn't make plans with someone like that unless it was spontaneous, like she called me at 9 AM to have coffee at 9:30.

I also struggle with figuring out what is acceptable behavior from friends and family (and me) and what isn't. I think the trick really is just not taking it personally and not putting in more effort than the other person does.

Someone used to email me on a regular basis, but suddenly stopped doing so after my latest reply to her. It came months after their last message, and I explained that I didn't check my email very often and apologized. Part of the reason I don't check email all the time is because I get swamped with mostly junk mail and it gives me a brain ache to have to delete it all. The other reason is that I don't keep my passwords near my computer since the person I live with has a tendency to misplace things. The irony is that I now frequently check my email after switching over to a browser that provides a password memory option. Anyhow, I think my friend took it personally like I was ignoring her, but that wasn't the case.

I think I only seem to attract people with whom I have to put in most of the effort when it comes to friendship, lol. I know...you teach people how to treat you. But in any group, I tend to be the natural leader (or organizer, or whatever) and so I think this is just the default with my friends. If I don't call/contact them, they just think I'm busy or not interested so I'll never hear from them spontaneously (of course, they'll always say "I was just thinking of you and wanting to get together!") And when we do make plans, they usually just defer to me to plan something for everyone. Like I said, I guess this is just the way it is...but sometimes it would be nice for people to call me up out of the blue. And this "role" I always seem to be in makes not taking the original issue personally more difficult.

I sometimes feel like I'm in that role, too. Carolyn Hax had a column this week sort of related to this, I think yesterday. I actually disagreed with both her advice and many of the commenters.

I do think that some people are more naturally planners/initiators than others... but it also takes two to tango. I am okay if I am the one who says 'hey, let's grab coffee,' the majority of the time, but if the other person never reaches out at all, I'm no longer going to do all of the work. Like, if Joe never contacts me at all, not for an invite or quick word on Facebook- I'm not going to waste time and energy on him. Whether he's busy or just not interested in hanging out or doesn't really like me that much, it doesn't matter.

I made that resolution maybe a year ago and it's worked out okay, although I'm going through a phase right now where I feel like no one is initiating with me and it's kind of bumming me out. I'm telling myself that it's just a seasonal thing. A few months ago I felt like too many people wanted to get together.

I enjoy having a wide range of acquaintances to call upon so I will continue to initiate coffee dates (or whatever) with people I rarely hear from, on a once every year or two kind of basis.

It's definitely hard to balance 'giving the benefit of the doubt' vs 'not being taken advantage of.' I would like more clarity around that without so much thinking on my part.

This reminds me of a conversation I had yesterday. I had lunch with one of my most level headed friends, Bill. He told me that he had invited a mutual friend, Joe, out to lunch. All of us worked together years ago and it's been a while since either of us caught up with Joe. Joe replied via email and cracked a joke that fell 100% flat. Bill told me that he decided that he just didn't want to talk to Joe anymore, and that was that!

I was so shocked that such a small thing could trigger that kind of reaction in someone as laid back as Bill. It made me wonder if something like that was why Bill called me less often!

I love this quote someone wrote

" Nobody is ever too busy . If they care they will make the time "

i cant accept that i'm being ignored by someone I was seeing for 8 months. This person has not picked up my calls or replied to any texts for a whole week. I really am going to confront him tomorrow, it might sound insane.

why am I not getting the message? I don't know I just need closure.

What happens if you just...never get invites at all unless you do the initiating? I've made the same resolution before but after several months I get so lonely and tired of my own company (though I really don't mind being alone, per se) that I have to start reaching out again.

Jeez...I really sound like a loser, don't I? I don't think I am. I don't think I'm the most social person, and it takes me a minute to warm up to people. I've been called "different." But I know that I'm kind, and that I'm generous. And I like to have fun. One thing is that I'm pretty liberal-minded and I live in a very conservative town, so I feel that this has hindered my relationships around here. Anyway. In some ways I've learned to just accept my "fate" so to speak until I have the means to move somewhere else. But it's also a little irritating to feel so left out, socially.