[DDavis30]

Hello -- My ex of 8 years and I broke up last August. The breakup was harsh... we had a really bad tendency of not voicing our frustrations (out of care for each other) until they hit a melting point. This lead to a massive meltdown that left us both really hurt.

I have since taken ownership of my role in the break-up. He had his issues and I had mine, but nothing was a dealbreaker. We had false start reunion in November, but I jumped in too strong too soon and he pulled away.

We stay in contact. I've learned the do's and don'ts of talking to an ex as far as effective communication and reconciling. Since our split, I have been taking care of myself. Going to therapy, giving up alcohol. working out/losing weight. All things that he wanted to see me do while we were together, but I was too stubborn to do when I felt like I was being pressured into it.

His main issue right now as far as getting back together is that seeing me doing all these things is off-putting in his mind -- considering I was so actively against doing them while we were together. I'm doing well and not doing them to appease him, but I want to be sympathetic and understanding to his feelings because I know they are valid (because he is feeling them).

I know he has to process these feelings in his own way, but is there anything I can do/say/display that will help him in the right direction. Right now, I am just trying to build communication and be supportive of his life.

[CANDC]

Dear DD, welcome to Psych Central (PC). You sound like you are making this breakup into a positive experience for self growth and self reconciliation. You are doing what could resolve some issues that were on the table.

I don't understand his block

His main issue right now as far as getting back together is that seeing me doing all these things is off-putting in his mind

If he is not supportive of your improvements, maybe he just used those as covers for his real feelings or maybe he has already given up on reconciliation. I don't know why. Did you ask him what it would take to get back together? If he won't commit to a plan, maybe he is not working on himself and the junk is just drowning his enthusiasm.

What I think you can do is keep working on yourself. Whatever he decides, you will be in a better place. Some relationships reach a wall and both parties are not willing to do the work to get beyond it. If not this relationship, you will attract another one with your improved image and esteem.

[DDavis30]

I should probably elaborate on that a little more. He wanted to do couples therapy for the longest time, but I resisted because of my personal experience with therapy. I started going once we broke up. I neglected to make enough time in my schedule for us to properly spend enough quality time together. I started taking more time off after the breakup and did things that I wanted to do... a lot that were shared interests between us (hiking/outdoors activities). There is a few things that he tried to push me to do, but I was stubborn and didn't listen to his needs.

I called him controlling -- told him to stop treating me like a child. I made him feel bad for asking me into doing things that realistically was for my own good. I think my projecting my insecurities on him and making him feel like a bad guy is what he is trying to come to terms with. Looking back, I was too stubborn for my own good. He wasn't a bad guy. I know he had my best interests at heart.

I think my only option at this point is to try to create healthy conversation since he is open to communication. I have to build a level of trust with my actions. If I can get him to a place to open up to me without being pushy, I think he'll respond better to my ideas as far as reconciliation.

[DDavis30]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Dear DD, welcome to Psych Central (PC). You sound like you are making this breakup into a positive experience for self growth and self reconciliation. You are doing what could resolve some issues that were on the table.

I don't understand his block

If he is not supportive of your improvements, maybe he just used those as covers for his real feelings or maybe he has already given up on reconciliation. I don't know why. Did you ask him what it would take to get back together? If he won't commit to a plan, maybe he is not working on himself and the junk is just drowning his enthusiasm.

What I think you can do is keep working on yourself. Whatever he decides, you will be in a better place. Some relationships reach a wall and both parties are not willing to do the work to get beyond it. If not this relationship, you will attract another one with your improved image and esteem.

I should have elaborated more. He wanted me to go to therapy with him, I said no for my own reasons. He wanted me to make more time with him on the weekends, I said that I had to work all weekend long. He told me what his needs were, but I dismissed them because I felt like I was being told what to do. I was stubborn and I admit to it now. I called him controlling. I told him he made me feel like a child. In reality, I was acting like a child. He said it is hard for him to see me do everything he wanted me to do when I made him feel bad for having my best intentions in mind. I get it. I would be hurt if the tables were turned.

But I also know that he is sticking around. And I personally don't view this as a dealbreaker compared to some of the huge hurdles that we have had to encounter in the past. I do think time will make those feelings go away, as long as I create an environment where he feels like his feelings and needs are being heard.

[Trippin2.0]

I was in similar shoes at one point. In that I was resistant to his suggestions but implemented them after we broke up.


Why? Well I realized he was right, and that my refusal to even try therapy is what lead to our break up. That I had to try something different, because my methods were obviously not working, i was finally ready for a solution, relationship or no relationship.


I'm not sure why an "I admit I was stubborn and wrong and I'm finally taking your advice because you have my best interests at heart" would not be enough for your bf...(?)


Part of the reason my bf and I were able to reconcile was because he witnessed me trying to improve myself, and once we got back together, this translated into trying to improve / strengthen our relationship as well.


I'm not quite sure what your bf's beef is, because in all honesty it just seems quite childish to be "put off".

[DDavis30]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I was in similar shoes at one point. In that I was resistant to his suggestions but implemented them after we broke up.


Why? Well I realized he was right, and that my refusal to even try therapy is what lead to our break up. That I had to try something different, because my methods were obviously not working, i was finally ready for a solution, relationship or no relationship.


I'm not sure why an "I admit I was stubborn and wrong and I'm finally taking your advice because you have my best interests at heart" would not be enough for your bf...(?)


Part of the reason my bf and I were able to reconcile was because he witnessed me trying to improve myself, and once we got back together, this translated into trying to improve / strengthen our relationship as well.


I'm not quite sure what your bf's beef is, because in all honesty it just seems quite childish to be "put off".

I had a heart-to-heart with my mom and I have been able to put myself in his shoes, so to speak. I have to admit that the changes I have been making have been drastic. And have happened quickly. From his point of view, I am putting on a show. I can understand why it doesn't come across as genuine. To me, it says, "look what I can do. Don't I look happy?" On his part, I can understand why he may think I'm doing it to rub salt in the wounds and putting on a show for him. Everything has been documented on Instagram., which can make it seem like I am showing off.

I have to be very conscious of being genuine with him. Don't do things for show. Don't do things that I think he wants to see. By doing that, it comes across as someone not happy with himself and not confident. It's definitely been an emotional journey. I've learned more about myself out of this break up than I have my entire life.

[toolman65]

Why the sudden 180 degree turn around ? Why are you now doing all the things that he nagged about during your time together? Are you trying to impress him? Show him that you never needed his prodding? He may be simply baffled by your change in attitude.

Perhaps he is afraid that if you do make up, you will both revert back to your old roles.

You tried to make it work in november and he balked. You may have to accept that reconciliation is not in the cards. He may just be being polite.

Until you deal with the real issue of why you broke up- lack of effective communication- i would put a reunion on the back burner.

[DDavis30]

Originally Posted by toolman65

Why the sudden 180 degree turn around ? Why are you now doing all the things that he nagged about during your time together? Are you trying to impress him? Show him that you never needed his prodding? He may be simply baffled by your change in attitude.

Perhaps he is afraid that if you do make up, you will both revert back to your old roles.

You tried to make it work in november and he balked. You may have to accept that reconciliation is not in the cards. He may just be being polite.

Until you deal with the real issue of why you broke up- lack of effective communication- i would put a reunion on the back burner.

For me -- like an Trippin said -- I realized after losing the person I loved more than anyone else, I was acting with selfish & destructive behavior. What I was doing was not helping me in any way, not just in my relationship. My mom equated this with my dad's alcoholism -- she tried her hardest to get him to change for the longest time and took personal responsibility when it didn't happen. It took her a long time to realize that it wasn't her fault. He could only change when he wanted to. Unfortunately for my mother, my dad's behavior lead him down a path that lead him further for my mother.

I hope my situation can be different in that I am sticking around and that I am wanting to show him things can be better for us this time around. I had to take ownership that in August, I cut and run from him. So I have to be the one to put the effort in. I can't expect him to pop his head into my life randomly and ask, "Hey...are you wanting to get back together? How can things be better this time?" I have to show him through consistent behavior that things can be better than last time around. He's still around. He is open to communication. He has acknowledged that he's working through his feelings. I feel like he is giving me this opportunity. If he didn't want to talk to me, he wouldn't.

I am happy about all the changes I have been making. Especially taking more time for myself and cutting alcohol out of my life. Therapy has been a very good healing tool. My public display has been elaborate, I can admit. Because I did want him to know how I was evolving. But I understand how it can be perceived on his end as stuffing it down his throat. That wasn't my intention. But it doesn't erase his feelings. I think I just need to be more genuine in my approach and he will respond to my changes in a more positive way.

[lkbun14]

I see a lot of myself in the posts here. My ex always encouraged me to do the things I wanted and supported me in trying to better myself, however, I was also stubborn and didn't look out to myself as I should have. while we were together. Now that I'm on my own, I'm trying to better myself- as is he. Now I'm trying to do things for me- not for anyone else, but because I genuinely want to. That's new for me and still a little hard at times! It took me a long time to come to this realization, but it's been worth it. Taking a step back (and a deep breath) has been necessary and has given me a new perspective. When we first broke up I was really sad and concerned over him, now I realize that I have to look out to me and that's okay! He's doing just fine and so am I. We're both taking what we've learned and trying to use it positively (as hard as that can be sometimes!).