[Fidelis]

Ok. i dont know exactly where i want this to go, and i dont know what i need, but i need someone to talk to that is not my husband, because i am going mental in my head here...

Everytime i start this post, i end up deleting it.
Maybe because i am not so fluent in english, so it's hard to explain myself.
Maybe because it's hard to explain feelings within an action.
Maybe i dont know...

I've been in a relationship for 12 years, for the past soon 5 we have been married, and we have had kids for 5,5 years soon.

I have seen an extreme anger in him since we met. But it only surfaced when he was drunk. We where teenagers, so obviously it was some drinking, but not more than "normal".
(his mom was terminally ill, past away in 2010 and i know that when he was 5 his parents divorced and he has felt like the messenger there aswell)

He never remembered just how bad he was after, the namecalling, the disgrace, the pity the disgust on his face and the terrible things he told me, how weverything was my fault...

But the last, what, 6 years it has been coming more and more rapidly and harder and harder when he is not drinking... (drinking still creates these alot, but he rarely drinks) it happens when he doesnt drink also. He breaks alot of stuff... he is angry condesending and kind of "goes for the kill" with his words. And in his eyes i see a madness, and a despair without likes.

When he gets close to the end, he can start laughing "hystarically", wanting to end this life, crying, and looking crazy/mad.

Before this i only see hate and disgust in his eyes, and he really has nailed the condecending terrible abuse then.

We can also have crazy arguments about normal things, and argue in a "normal" way. so it is not that this is "normal, or the normal fight"...
These fights normally just "jumps" out of nowhere, and are based on small misunderstandings that he just windes up and up... These comes out of nowhere normally, or out of me being sad or wanting to press an issue... I kind of has stopped that now... Or if saomething has happened he just misinterpit all i say and this spiral starts...
Very often it is because i want to press a small issue, and he makes it like i am trying to "get him", when i try to exxplain it is not this he just turns on my words and keeps it alive and makes it worse and worse...

I think he has a big deppresion, and also an anger problem.

He tells this: from neutral to superhappy there is a lot of shades.
From neutral to life ending bad, there is no nuances.
a little critisism is as bad as if someone kills his family. a trafficticket as bad as cancer. and so on.
Luckily, between his "snappings" he is reflected, we can talk and try to pick this to pieces, and he has begun to be reallu good at telling how he feels and acknowledgin he is struggeling. and from the period where our daughter was 2 and this happened 2-3 times a week, now i only encounter this 1-3 times a month. so it is getting better, but it is far from good.
But to go to get help, well, he doesnt have the time, and i think he is afraid. And I cant do it for him... HE needs to do this...
Our talks help him, and he gets better at not doing this AS often. But it is still to much for me, and I am no psycologist...

He has been saying he knows he need one for the past 5 years now... (i had prenatal depression for 9months after our first child, he got his worst depression after this. But the signs of this getting worse and worse where there before. it has gotten better after our daughter was 2, but it still is way to much...)

What i see he is doing: i cut out what is matching from this link: northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html

signs of an abusive person: Women's Center - Northwestern University

although 2-3 days after a fight, he can reflect on this and say this is not true. It only happens “during and right after”… he is totally humble and open to this being wrong when talked about 2-3 days after, but I need to be quick, or ill start it again. But then normally he sees the signs, and say “woah, its starting again, we need to part and let this be for a couple of hours… lets do something else, play a game or something… But that is the ONLY time he is able to catch himself, never if we haven’t recently argued… And not allways ofc…

Breaking objects
An abuser may break things, beat on tables or walls or throw objects around or near the victim. This behavior terrorizes the victim and can send the message that physical abuse is the next step.
Use of force during an argument
An abuser may use force during arguments, including holding the victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the room, and pushing and shoving. For example, an abuser may hold a victim against the wall and say, "You're going to listen to me."
Blames others for problems
Abusers will rarely admit to the part they play in causing a problem. She will blame the victim for almost anything that goes wrong.
Blames others for their feelings
An abuser will tell the victim, "I hurt you because you made me mad," or "You're hurting me when you don't do what I ask." Blaming the victim is a way of manipulating them and avoiding any responsibility.
Hypersensitivity
An abuser can be easily insulted. The slightest setbacks are seen as personal attacks. An abuser will rage about the everyday difficulties of life as if they are injustices -- such as getting a traffic ticket or not doing well on an exam.

Jekyll-and-Hyde personality
Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of abusers, and these behaviors are related to other traits such as hypersensitivity. This is not always a sign of mental health problems but may be a way of controlling the victim by being unpredictable.


One more thing:
"Playful" use of force during sex
The abuser may like to hold the victim down during sex. They may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless. An abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. They may demand sex or start having sex with the victim when they are sleeping or very intoxicated.

We like roleplaying (not extremes just a little “oh no I don’t want to” “oh yes you do”…) and this has been normal. I was the one introducing this. And the second I seem “unwilling” he backs away, he is acutely aware of my needs ad wants during sex.
BUT: I have noticed the past 2-3 years, he has grown fond of holding my throat while having sex. Not chocking, just holdinglike “I own you”…I have asked, because it doesn’t bother me, but I do ask when I notice something new. And he told me he likes to feel in control and that he is “the man”…

And, I also know, that deep inside, he doesn’t like himself. He doesn’t feel worthy of anyones respecvt, he feels like a failure all the time , and he has started to “abuse alcohol”… just in terms of he takes 1 every day to dinner, because it numbs him he says. He is not comfortalble with himself…

I know he struggles, and I try I try to be the rock, and accept that he cannot possibli even be a small itty bity stone back. That if I have problems or am sad, he will loose it and go into spiraling.

But it is so hard, I have my own things to struggle with, trying to overcome my need to feel in control and to survive surprises

IU have done this for many years, and has never had any “big” problems either, but I have worked so hard with myself that I never scream, or get angry or anything. I reflect over EVERYTHING before voicing it. Therefore I know that in 70% of all of this, he is the sole “starter and keeper” of the anger, it is rarely the truth that I start this as he is saying then…

And he gives me all the qualities he does not like in himself.
you keep me inside, I can never meet the guys, you make me mad, if you had kust…

It is over 7 years since I managed my jealousy problem and stopped with all of this controlling… So he is grasping. Now he can leave whenever, as long as it fits into our work two children schedule ,which is often. But he never visits friends… unless it is to drink. And this happens 1a motnh…

Now im just babbling, so ill shut up.
This started good, then became a rant.
I’m sorry, it probably doesn’t make any sence, but I needed it out…

[Eva_Star]

Oh, hon. I am so sorry you are going through this. Is there anyone you can reach out to? Anywhere you can stay? He needs serious help but until he gets help...significant help...you need to remove yourself and your children from this situation. Maybe he can get help (therapy,anger management and meds) and things can work out between you but for now this does not sound like a safe situation. Seek out help for yourself and children ...a situation like this will cause pain and scars on those who have to deal with someone like this as well.

((hugs))

[Fidelis]

about me:
i was in a physical and psycological abusive relationship from 14-16
i have been with my husbad since 17
i have been to a psycologist at the age of 16 to get a hang of ME and get out of the bad relationship (i seeked out this myself, my parents didnt know until i told them at the age of 16)

I have been struggeling with selfworth, i know what i am worth but i dont think anyone else believes this.

I have been struggeling with a prenatal depression in 2009.

I have gone to personal counceling and psycologist from 2009.2010 to REALLY hardly work on my problems, getting to where i am today.

i now always (95%) think of my responce, reaction and what others will think before answering, i keep a close connection with my heart and mind, and i am amazing at mindfullness...

I DO need reassurence and a strong man to hold me when i am down. I rarely project my bad mood over to others, but tell that "now i feel bad, i think it is because of, etc etc"

If i do have a problem with others, i tell "this made me feel this way" never accusing.

This is what i learned from 2009-2010, an have been practicing ang getting better at ever since, getting to love my "Zen"...

My husband regularily praises me for never being angry, being tolerate and being able to calm him during these fights. For putting up with him, and for having my qualities.
He says i calm his every day, and make him better. I also see the effect i have in calming ang getting him to open, and i have seen the imensly positive effect over the last 5 years.

Before this, the physiological attacs where intence and very bad, because i did not know how to react, and gotoffended and retaliated there and then. and it happened every 3-4 times a week, often without my provocation but i sure kept it alive.

But, i cannot fix him, he needs to do the same work for him that i did for me, its not even certain that what helped me will help him, he needs to find his "fix" in this...

and i need someone to pick me up, after he has put me down... And this is what i do now.
talk, and shares, and wonders, is this normalø, what CAN it be???

Because i am spet after yesterday.
and after having two remote controls, 5 xmas decorations, 2glasses broken, other stuff thrown the house around, be being pushed around, and him standing over me telling me how terrible i am and how i make him drink and break stuff...

he gets crazier and crazier, starts to laugh and act realy "mad" like he's lost it.

He keeps it alive, start to dringk so he can fuel it, goes crazy. tapping on his head with a knife saying this life is like chinese water torture, that i do this to him and a lot.

Whatever i say he ignores and rants more and more.

At last i had to sit on him. tell him "WHO do YOU say CALM you and is the rational one, tell me HONEST"

"you" hahaha, vaving with bottle, "im going mad"

"Then, THAT part listen to me, COME BACK TO BED, and i dont give a **** what the rest of you says, COME HERE"

He comes, lays down. cries, then rants, then cries then says
"ignore me, im just out to be a bad person and to hurt you"
"I know" i answer
"He cries more, and falls asleep"


This only works when he goes from angry, hate, disgust, attack me
to "borderline crazy, mental breakdown"

If i try this before, it ends in a bigger fit. i need to wait for the break,

Before that i need to keep quiet, walk around to keep him from going into a drinking fit, turn back when i try to leave... Or scream back that "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID" when he is in my face, just to get to the "breaking down par" faster, because if not, hell start to drink, and i cannot sleep, because i AM afraid he'll kill himself, he has said honestly before that during these times that is all that is in his mind...

[Fidelis]

Eva Star:
luckily, he NEVER reacts like this when the children are around... (maybe aldo that is why it has downescalated)

and one of my weaknesses: I do love the part of him that is not damaged. I see that he desperately tries to get help but "chickens out" in fear of what work will say and other...
And, I am not able to leave anyone, my selfesteem is to low...

This is the last part i am working with.
But i am honestly afraid that if i go
1) he'll drink himself to death (being alcohol or help fixing this)
2) he'll jump on antoher woman totally happy i am gone (thats my faulty brain right here)
3) he wont get help, and i know he needs me.

It is so hard feeling this imensly need to help him, because he has taken small steps since i got help, and being this honestand wounerable

I really think he has a mental probelm, IO got him now to promise to seek help
It is a big step. I am amazed. Becaue this is the first time he has sent me an sms (almost a day later) telling me "yes, i know i need help, this time i will do it, i wont let me chixken out"

I got this now...
he isat work still, is working late today (1 every moth)

[Fidelis]

although i see my weaknesses too.
When i read this..

underneath my need to help him, because my strong love for him and my scare that he will harm himself. and the point that i am in no way strong enough to same my mind, by moving out for a short while...

I see my fear of him leaving me, if i decide to keep a small distance, until he gets some help...

And no, i dont have anyone to talk to.
Since i know this is a problem for him, andnot a "personality trait". i dont want anyone else to see him like this.
I think...

[nicoleflynn]

I would get therapy....for YOURSELF. He needs to go alone; you can contact the Domestic Violence hotline.
You cannot help him.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. He is using emotional blackmail re the killing himself. Look at the Domestic Wheel of Violence: http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

This is waaaay too much to deal with; leaving and protecting your children is the best you can do; trust me you may not think they know what is going on, but they do....dependidng on their age.

Again, you need to realize you can NOT help him.

[Fidelis]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I would get therapy....for YOURSELF. He needs to go alone; you can contact the Domestic Violence hotline.
You cannot help him.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. He is using emotional blackmail re the killing himself. Look at the Domestic Wheel of Violence: domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

This is waaaay too much to deal with; leaving and protecting your children is the best you can do; trust me you may not think they know what is going on, but they do....dependidng on their age.

Again, you need to realize you can NOT help him.

No... I kind of know it is not my place to help him, and that i can not do it.
By now he has gotten to the place where he can be honest about this, aknowledge his problem. But there we hit a standstill 2 years ago...

I still go to therapy. And she also tells me that this is not mine to fix. Before our last fight, he went with me to therapy. And told the woman about this.
And that he now wants to seek help. After our fight he sent me now today a message, i am getting help.

This is as far as we have ever gone... And i hope that with help he will get better. He will manage his anger, and he will get to know and love and trust himself again.

I can not think of living without him, but also not with the man he is now.
our children are 3 and 5, this only happens when they are not around, because he only drinks if he is sure about them not waking up and seeing him drink.
And as long as he does not drink now, i am able to defuse him before we're getting to the "destroying things" point.

we also by default don't talk about any sore points when they are awake, knowing that they should not be a part of arguments (this is learned from family counseling while i had my depression, and we really made a GREAT deal of work making the childrens environment safe)

Unfortunately i feel he builds up just to explode harder then those times we do fight and no one is around...

I guess it is not good to be around it. But there is nowhere else to go. He was there through my depression, doesnt i own him as much, atleast if he now actually get help.

I have said it is a requirement, dont be afraid of work, it is in our law that he is permitted time to see these types of doctors without fearing of loosing your job. But i know he is scared. "if the thoughts in my head is not me, then who am i?" he has said.

We almost parted because of this 5 years ago. After that it has gotten better and better, but really not fast enough, although you cant push it.
but i believe all the fallbacks has to be because he does not get proffesional help...

He shows the signs of phsycological and material abuse. A LOT...
But, he has traits who show other "mental" problems, and also signs that shows he does not WANT to be like this, other than the normal "abusive, i dont want to be like this" sdigns...

I cant explain it, i've gotten to know it after all our talks...

So my main problem is, how do i support my husband, while saving myself ansalso shielding our children. i guess...

Because until he gets well, it isa great toll on me. Emotionally i am drained for atleast 2 days after a fight like this. and i walk on eggshells all the time.

And he is so assertive, good and helping between his fits... and so vounerable and scared, and angry but so so open...
Until somethings catches him of guard, and he can not get to himself before falling off. and when falling off, he can not get in contact with himself..

How do you support someone who loves you, and you love, but at the same times destroys you... Without giving up on them...

[shezbut]

I think that you do need to step away, with your daughter, to protect yourselves physically and emotionally. While you may care very deeply for your husband, it does not sound as if he has much control over his impulses & they're pretty dark. That is a big problem.

We all get dark thoughts every once in a while ~ but they're just that, thoughts. Your husband is getting these dark thoughts very frequently, and it sounds as though he is having a very difficult time understanding that they're just thoughts...impulses...and they needn't be acted upon. They shouldn't be acted upon ~ got to take a step back and think about why these dark thoughts keep coming. He needs to look into this tendency and work upon how he reacts to general stress in life. Preferably, he should also show this improvement in emotional state of mind for a significant period of time (6 months-1 year) before trusting him enough to move back in with him & be a regular part of his life again.

In my humble opinion, it sounds as though your husband really needs this time to work upon himself: full-time. You can still talk on the phone, online, and short meetings in parks (around other people & your child) as he gets better. I just really believe that you need to take your daughter's and your security first. That must be #1.

Very gentle hugs to you and your family. Best wishes!