[Juliana]

I need to vent here a bit. I don't expect many people to have the patience to read all this, but I need to get it out because I have insomnia over it.

I got rejected by a guy last weekend. I haven't had a lot of experience with rejection. I have always left it up to men to chase me, played hard to get, etc. I never opened myself up for rejection. Anyway, I went on a date with this guy last Saturday night. We were supposed to see a movie, but we started off with a drink and he suggested we just stay there and talk instead of seeing the movie. We talked for nearly 5 hours, had a great time and then later on after I got home, I e-mailed him, thanked him for the great evening out and told him I had a crush on him. He e-mailed me back and quite bluntly told me he had a good time too, was flattered, but just wanted to be my friend because "The spark just isn't there, I'm afraid."

I've known this guy since September. We used to work together. People at work used to tease me about him having a crush on me. I was the only person at work he opened up to and talked with. He took all his smoke breaks with me and he used to go out of his way to drive me home every evening. I wasn't attracted to him at all, but I thought he was kind and interesting and I decided that I should try to stop being so superficial. I always go for guys whom I find attractive right off the bat, and I've been trying to make more SENSIBLE choices. So, I worked really hard on that and managed to talk myself out of the superficiality and eventually, after many months, developed a crush on him.

Once I started my new job, we e-mailed each other all the time at work and went out with friends on my birthday (and he tried to insist on paying my friend for my birthday dinner). Then there was the date which seemed to go so well... My friends had told me that since he was so insecure (he once told me he was "fragile"), and so socially awkward, it probably wouldn't occur to him that I was interested in him romantically, so I might have to "hit him over the head with it." I'm not that forward, but I figured they might be right and that's why I told him I had a crush on him... and ended up opening myself up for rejection.

So, now I'm feeling like an idiot. I thought I was better at reading people. He really seemed like he was interested in me. My friends told me he was interested in me, so I felt rather blindsided by his e-mail. He was e-mailing me again at work this week... as if nothing had happened... no acknowledgement of the "no spark" e-mail on the weekend. He's being his usual friendly self, asking how my day is going, chatting about work stuff, making jokes, etc. So, I guess he really meant it when he said he wanted to be my friend. I find it odd that he wouldn't even mention what happened on the weekend, though.

In addition to feeling confused, stupid, and hurt, I am also feeling angry... and this is the part that bothers me the most... I'm feeling nasty and spiteful. I'm not used to being a nasty, spiteful person. This is going to make me sound HORRIBLE, but I'm going to be honest... I'm feeling offended because he's not at all good-looking, he's rather odd and socially-awkward and (I found this out AFTER last weekend), he's nearly 42 and lives with his mother. I consider myself a kind, understanding person, so I'm angry at myself for having these mean-spirited thoughts.

I'm acknowledging, however, that I'm feeling MORE insulted, because I think I'm better than him in some way. I'm feeling that since I'm an outgoing, social, popular, independent woman whom men tend to find quite attractive... how dare this guy reject ME! It's hard for me to even type that because it makes me feel like a terrible, conceited ******, but that's one of the things that keeps going through my head. I'm also thinking, if a guy like that -- a guy most women wouldn't look twice at, a guy I had to convince myself to be attracted to -- isn't interested in me, have I totally lost my appeal? So, I feel rejected AND I feel like a horrid, egotistical person at the same time and it's really bothering me. I don't know how to deal with this. Maybe it's good for me to be rejected in this way? Maybe my ego needed some deflating? I dunno. I just feel like crap and can't stop thinking about it.

Anyway, sorry for ranting. This has me all discombobulated and not liking the weak, mean-spirited part of myself that is reacting so strongly to this.

[Maven]

Being rejected hurts. Been there myself. I think he may really have been interested in you romantically, but found that, during the date, you and he really didn't have that much in common. I know you didn't expect his reaction, but at least he was honest with you, and it doesn't sound like he said it in a mean way. I know it hurts worse if you found you liked him that way, but you didn't say you did or didn't. Better he told you now, than waste your time.

As for your feelings of, How dare he? Who does he think he is? I've felt that way, too, about things that have happened to me. There was a thing on the news yesterday about how "pretty people" get more benefits in life. So, it's understandable that you'd feel shocked for someone less attractive, less "cool," less whatever, to reject you. Don't beat up on yourself for societal conditioning. Just recognize it. Then, you accept it if you're ok with it, and if not, try to change it. You're not horrid. And I surely doubt you've lost your appeal, just because one (or even ten) guy decided he wasn't interested. Not everyone is attracted to every attractive person, and even when one likes the physical, they may find other things they don't like, or don't like enough to make it a relationship.

You're not a bad person. Imperfect, yes, but bad? No. Welcome to the club! There are plenty of guys who would enjoy your company, as well as your looks. And maybe this guy is a jerk. I don't know him, but he surely isn't too smart, to dump you! He's a loser, because he's losing out on you! You can do better...trust me!

[Juliana]

Thanks so much for responding Maven. It's interesting what you said about societal conditioning. It bothers me that I seem to have bought into that in some way... expecting that I deserve a certain kind of treatment because of the way I look. My mum used to say to me when I was little, "pretty is as pretty does" and I believe that. So, I don't like that I'm feeling so petulant about all of this. I feel like a spoilt brat who didn't get what she wanted and is having a tantrum... even though she wasn't sure she wanted it at all... she's upset that she can't have it... because she should be able to have whatever she wants. Know what I mean? Not a very appealing side of myself I'm being faced with.

The date we went on wasn't the first time we had had long chats. He has gotten to know me very well over the past 7 months... spending lunches together at the office, driving home, socializing with a group of colleagues (but mainly talking to me). I guess that's part of why I was surprised by the "no sparks" thing. I don't imagine it's something he just figured out last Saturday night. He's still interested in e-mailing me and wanting to go out. So, it appears that he likes my personality and likes talking with me. So, it must be that he's just not attracted to how I look. That's hard for me to deal with. I'm used to guys liking me for how I look and have gotten fed up when they're not interested in getting to know who I am. It seems to be switched this time and it's very unfamiliar to me.

We're going out with some friends next week to celebrate a birthday. I'm afraid it's going to be strange and awkward. I'm still so confused by all that happened... and by how nonchalant he seems about it, while I'm a freaking mess.

[Maven]

That is rather weird, if you were pretty close and open with each other all this time. But if it were your looks, I'd think he wouldn't have asked you out at all. I honestly don't know what to think about him. Do you think maybe he was hoping for sex, and just decided you weren't so easy, so he doesn't want to go out again?

[Juliana]

I don't think he was expecting sex. I get the sense that if I were easy, that would have scared the life out of him. There's something quite awkward about him. I actually let him know before the date that I wouldn't be inviting him in. I made a comment in an e-mail (when we were discussing what movie to see) that it would be easier to rent a DVD, but my flat is such a mess I wouldn't allow another human in here right now. So, he knew he wasn't getting invited in. He didn't even try to kiss me (I kissed him good night -- quick peck on the check). My friends have said he seems somewhat asexual to them. I dunno. He doesn't seem to have any friends either so maybe he was just looking for a friend the whole time he was getting to know me.

I was the one who asked him out. When we went out with my friend and her fiance on my birthday, he drove me home and mentioned a couple of times that we needed to do it again, just the two of us... I said I'd like that so I e-mailed him a few days later and suggested a movie and he e-mailed back and said he would love to... and then we spent the week e-mailing back and forth making plans for Saturday night. He doesn't make sense to me... and I really don't know why I'm obsessing over all of this.

[sabby]

Sorry you are feeling so out of sorts with this Juliana. Dating can be so damned confusing at times. I'm so glad I am not in the dating realm...LOL.

I'm thinking here after reading your post that the issue is with the guy, not you. It sounds to me that he can keep a friendly relationship going and feels comfortable enough in that situation, but when anything more than that comes across, he doesn't know how to deal. Maybe he doesn't know how to express himself in any other way than just friendship.

You may have really shocked him when you emailed him that you had a crush on him. If he's as awkward as you say he is, maybe the "fight or flight" instinct took over and he chose the flight??

Have you tried to talk to him about this? Ask him where you got your signals crossed maybe? Maybe just letting him know that the pressure for more than friendship is off and you can take things one step at a time without expectations might help?

I certainly can understand the mixed emotions you have been feeling. It's not easy trying to rectify all this in your mind and your feelings would naturally be all over the board.

I hope things work themselves out for you soon. Good luck m'dear

Hugssssssss
J

[Juliana]

Thanks Sabau. I don't think I'm going to talk to him about this. I get the sense that he's just not comfortable talking about feelings. I e-mailed him back when he told me there was no spark -- thanked him for his honesty and told him I understand that the spark is an elusive thing. I guess from his perspective it's all done and dusted, and things are back to "normal." It's fortunate that we don't work together anymore.

I don't know why this is on my mind so much. Maybe it's because it's a 4-day weekend and I just have too much time to think. I think I suffer from WAD (Weekend Affective Disorder -- I made that up). I always tend to feel worse about things on weekends. When my mind isn't busy and occupied by other things, like work, I overthink things.

You might be right about the fight or flight response. That was my ex-boyfriend's take on it. He said it sounded like this guy had taken things as far as he felt comfortable with and got freaked out when I told him I had a crush on him. He also said the guy wouldn't have spent so much time with me and acted in the way he did if he didn't have some sort of interest in me. So, he wasn't surprised that I was feeling confused. He said I shouldn't beat myself up about being bad at reading people because I was sent some very confusing signals.

He said it sounds like this guy just isn't emotionally capable of having a relationship, or doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to get any closer. I know he had PTSD and I assume there are some issues going on with him -- just from the way he behaves and the fact that he's 41 and living with his mother. It suggests that we're not on the same level socially or emotionally. My ex-boyfriend jokingly told me that my mistake was stepping out of my usual passive-aggressive approach and being direct... because passive-aggressive always works so well for me. Maybe he's right.

Oh well, live and learn, I guess. Dating sucks. I decided to be open to a relationship with this guy because I thought it would be safe and there would be little chance of me getting hurt. I found him totally non-threatening and I didn't feel all head-over-heels for him like I have with guys in the past. That felt more comfortable and safe to me at this point in my life. I was trying to take a RATIONAL approach to dating; that's new for me. I have a fear of guys judging me when they find out I had agoraphobia. I feel like I'm not the person I was before I got sick, so I guess I thought that if I went with someone safe -- someone who had also struggled with mental illness -- it would be easier. I'm insecure about letting people know about the agoraphobia and the financial problems (debt) I have because I was sick for 4 years. I still feel like I have a lot to offer in terms of my personality and who I am, but I have insecurities that I didn't have before I got sick. I know that I look a lot like the same person I was before I got sick. I'm reasonably attractive, well-dressed, outgoing, have a very good job, etc., but I feel like I'm hiding these shameful secrets. There is stuff in my personal life that wasn't there before and I worry about being judged and rejected because of those things. So, I felt more comfortable with someone who had struggled with some of the same issues.

[sickntired]

i think that what you describes is a perfectly normal response to feeling rejected.I wouldnt overthink it.
I guess its just a pride thing that all of us feel .I think that you sound like a very well adjusted person.
Dont beat yourself up!!

[SandyWeb]

((((Juliana)))))

There are so many reasons why this guy didn't feel a spark that it could drive you absolutely up the wall if you try to rationalize each and every one that you can think of. Just try to accept it for what it is. He's still being a good friend to you? Then I would definately say that he HASN'T rejected you. It's something totally different.

Any impression that he's gay? You know, they do like friendships with the opposite sex. Whether he's gay or not, though, he obviously feels very comfortable with you. He probably never asked you out because he didn't want to risk that friendship that he found very enjoyable with you.

I remember a military guy that I used to sit by in one of my University classes. He had a girlfriend, so I knew he was off-limits. But I just enjoyed his personality so much. Maybe if he had been available, I would have developed a crush on him. I don't know. In fact, I can't even remember what he looked like anymore. See how soon we forget? But I really just wanted to hang out with him. We sat together, we chatted, he was funny and nice and we got along quite well. I wanted to ask him out to a movie.....not a date, obviously, but just one friend inviting another friend out for a stress-free evening. I just thought we would have a good time. But you know what? I never did ask him simply because I was afraid that he would take it as me coming on to him and making a date with him. That would have been humiliating. And then, of course, the whole dynamics of our relationship would have changed. We would have found ourselves probably not sharing the same seats in that one particular class anymore. So I just kept it at the friendship level, and never tried to take the friendship outside of the school setting.

Maybe your friend is "something" like that. He really enjoys your company, you two have wonderful chats, and it never hurts that you're not bad to look at. Lol. But to push past that point....well, it changes everything, especially if he really doesn't have a crush (because I didn't have a crush on my guy). But your guy cares enough that he's trying to get your friendship back on the even keel that it was on before.....he doesn't want to lose you. He wants to hang out with you. He enjoys your company. But he just doesn't feel *that* way.

You haven't been rejected, Juliana. He's trying to tell you, in his own awkward way, that he HASN'T rejected you. But he just maybe isn't articulate enough or secure enough to broach the subject. He's just hoping it will go back to the way it was. I think you just may have a friend for life in him, Juliana. You never know. He may be the one who always will side with you, no matter what you go through in life. He may be the shoulder to cry on, the body to hug in happiness, and the face to yell at when you're mad about something in life. He may be the rock in your life. Who knows? All I know is that it doesn't appear that he's rejected you. It appears to me that he likes you very much as a friend that he doesn't want to give up.

Try to be happy. Fight your WAD! And....LOOK AT THE SNOW!!!!! Can you believe it?? Where did it all come from? Hope we don't lose our electricity tonight.

God bless,
Sandy

[Juliana]

Thanks sickntired and Sandy. You both make a whole lot of sense.

I'm trying to fight my WAD. I just went for a walk. It's a freaking blizzard out there! But it's quite pretty and not very cold. I also picked up a donair on my way home (mmmm... donair... with extra sauce...) and had a chat with a guy who works at the donair place. He and I went to high school together and he used to date my best friend. It was nice catching up with him because we hadn't seen each other in 8 years. I'm feeling a bit better now.

please don't feel rejected over this......but WHAT is a donair? xoxoxo pat

[Juliana]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
fayerody said:
please don't feel rejected over this......but WHAT is a donair? xoxoxo pat

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LMAO! I DO feel rejected about that, Pat. How DARE you ask me what a donair is?!?!

A donair is a Nova Scotian thing. It was invented by a Lebanese or Greek guy (I can't remember which) in the early 70s. It's similar to a gyro. It's ground, spicy beef, rolled and roasted on a spit, then shaved while it's hot. It goes on a grilled Greek pita (or grilled pizza dough), then it's topped with chopped raw onions and tomatoes and then... the best part... donair sauce... which is tangy and sticky and sweet. Then it's all rolled up in tinfoil and you try to eat it like an ice cream cone without making a terribly sticky mess... which is impossible. The sauce is made from condensed milk, vinegar, and garlic. Most pizzerias in Nova Scotia serve donairs, as well as donair pizza and donair subs.

My dad owned a donair shop when I was in junior high. He still makes awesome donairs.

can you send one to Texas?????????????????????????? and watch my feelings in your reply.........

[Juliana]

LOL. Sorry. I'll be gentle.

I'll send one right away. Keep an eye out for the dripping, sticky, smelly package in your mailbox. Mmmmm... yummy....

[Wants2Fly]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sabau2 said:

I'm thinking here after reading your post that the issue is with the guy, not you. It sounds to me that he can keep a friendly relationship going and feels comfortable enough in that situation, but when anything more than that comes across, he doesn't know how to deal. Maybe he doesn't know how to express himself in any other way than just friendship.

You may have really shocked him when you emailed him that you had a crush on him. If he's as awkward as you say he is, maybe the "fight or flight" instinct took over and he chose the flight??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That was my read, too, Juliana. I spent a good part of my 30s dating emotionally unavailable men -- which means being rejected a lot. Hurts like the dickens. So long as you don't act on the angry part, it's OKAY.

Keep going and take care.

[Juliana]

Thanks sweetie. I'm not going to act on the angry part... that's just venting. I have been very friendly and nice in my e-mail responses to him and I know I'll continue to be that way towards him. I know I'll get over the indignant, angry feelings. The venting helped.

P.S. He really opened up to me in telling me that he feels "fragile" most of the time. So, I would never do anything to take advantage of that or take a cheap shot at his weaknesses. I don't really want to hurt him. I do like him as a person and I do care about his feelings.

[sickntired]

can you airmail a donair to new zealand please

[Juliana]

Sure I can!!! LOL. Actually, I think it would be a whole lot easier if you just all came over to my place and we could order in.

Hmmm... I'd better start cleaning up so you won't see what a slob I am when you get here.

P.S. You're not allowed to use that knife and fork. You have to eat a donair with your hands. The mess is part of the fun.

[sabby]

WAD!! Omg....I wondered what I suffered from on the weekends...you have nailed it! Thank you Juliana!

Well, I'm glad you have been able to talk about all this and work through it. You sound a bit more relaxed and not so stressed over the situation now.

I know it feels like crud when we feel as though we have been rejected, for whatever reason there may be. Been there, done that...don't like it one bit.

You seem to be a very together lady, and it's my thinking that when the time is right and you least expect it, your soulmate will walk into your life and you'll wonder what hit you!

Happy Easter and enjoy the last part of your weekend

Hugssssssss
J

[Juliana]

You have WAD too? I knew I wasn't alone.

I am feeling better now. I'm glad I vented about it. Everyone here is so insightful and understanding and caring. It really helped.

Thanks for saying I'm a "together lady." I don't always feel like one, but it's good to hear.

I hope you enjoy your Easter too. Thanks for being so kind and supportive.

[SandyWeb]

Juliana, Juliana!!!!

Can you hear me under all that snow? Are you suffering? Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. Do you have ventilation? Are you suffocating?

WOW, can you believe this snow? In April?? I can't even find my balcony! LOL.

It's a good thing you got your donair when you did! It might be the last food you see for awhile.

Enjoy your day. I hope you like shovelling! Good thing about living in an apartment.....I can sit at my window and watch all the manual labor men hard at work.

God bless,
Sandy

[Juliana]

LOL Sandy. Fortunately, my downstairs neighbour and I don't have to shovel. My landlord owns the apartment building next to this house, so he gets his shovelling crew to do our sidewalk too.

It's so damn cold in here. I have no idea what happened while I was sleeping, but when I woke up I was FREEZING and my cat was freaking out. I followed him out to the kitchen -- thinking he was having a fit because he was hungry -- and the kitchen window was WIDE open! It's a big casement window, nearly floor to ceiling, more like a door than a window, and I don't know how long it was open. I'm sure I locked it last night. Maybe Hank finally figured out how to open the lock; he fiddles with it a lot. Or maybe I was sleep-walking and decided to let him out. I've done that before. Kind of scary. Anyway, it's so damn cold in here. The keyboard of my laptop feels like ice. I think it's going to take all day for this place to get heated up again. I need a Tim's coffee to warm me up, but I'm dreading going out in this cold. I wish they delivered.

[Maven]

Put me in line for the donair orders, but hold the raw onions, please. Sounds filling, LOL!

Rejection sucks. But at least we women can do the asking without judgement (except by a few dinosaurs). Men have had to face rejection for most of the time we've had dating (and I guess before, parents would have to face rejection if the other parents didn't want to arrange a marriage), so maybe this will help us be more understanding. But rejection still sucks.

[Juliana]

No raw onions for Maven. Check!

That's interesting what you said about men historically having to deal with rejection. I hadn't even thought of that. It's hard! This was the first time I had asked a guy out... the first time I told a guy how I feel about him first... the first time I had put myself out there... so this was my first rejection. I'm a late-bloomer I guess.