addicted to crazy

New here. Looking for some sound advice. The man I've been with for close to eight years has been having all the classic signs of PTSD. He has related to me many horrible childhood memories. Incest as well as others sexually abused him. We have gone through his rampant drunken stages and 6 months of rehab. I have had him removed from our home and I was instrumental in getting him rehab instead of jail time. He is a wonderful man but his horrible past has made him a non-stop rollercoaster. At 42 I have come to my end, my endurance for pain has hit it's all time record. I can not give much more and I feel guilty as hell. He is definetly in the stage of recovery that could well make his life better and than wham he retreats into the throes of denial. I have come to my limit and I don't know what to do. I absolutely love this man but, he won't take the risk of recovery and heal- but chooses instead to give into the addictions- the compulsions, etc. Talk about compulsions- other woman- sexual compulsions galore. I am so tired of forgiving, looking past it, being such a [censored] wonderful person. Do I not have a life? When does mine begin? Eight years he has said he wants to live not survive. I work. He doesn't. I feel incredibly sad for the life he had but, I, too, was sexually abused as a child and yes, it has taken many years to heal and I'm still not there but I feel so used and abused by his promises and the hope that someday he will get on with his life. I'm tired of it and feel like [censored] for not being better for him. Someone give me a clue. I even hate the fact that I can't be a better person for him. He needs so much. He needs me to be strong and unbiased through all of this. I just wish he would get professional help but, no. I am his therapist, best friend, lover, wife, mother, you name it and it is killing me. I have a daughter I want to be with and friends to go out with and I have nothing but this man's life. If I tell him- enough, am I abandoning him like the people in his life abandoned him? How can I tell him about the positive things that healing and recovery bring when I can't keep giving him all he needs? I'm at my tethered end. I'm choking on my own words. Are we here on earth to give ourselves to others? Where does my responsibility end for those who need me? Why is love just [censored] not enough???????

You are a wonderful person for wanting to give this man you love all you have. But I believe that you have given too much. I think it's probably time to exit this relationship and explain that you want to look at this not as his wife, but just as a friend. Explain that a separation WILL NOT BE the end of the rope for the both of you, it will be a time when you will get yourself together and he will get himself together. He can call you and tell you his problems, but until he learns that marriage is a two-way street, then you two cannot have a successful marital life together. This is coming from the mouth of an observer, not a professional of any kind, but this is what I believe will work for you. You need to take some time out for YOU and deal with your own problems now. You will not be a bad person for putting the hold button on this relationship. You are here to take care of yourself FIRST, because without taking care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

ranzi

i'm gonna get free

You hit the nail on the head. Last night I blew. The top of my head just shot off and I spewed everywhere. I went off on him, I went off on my eldest daughter; it was ugly. It took a couple of shots of whiskey to prime the pump then I unloaded. Of course, now I feel like a total ***. All of this stuff is bringing up all of my stuff and I can't keep it all seperated. I think your advice is sound as far as seperating. We tried it for about six weeks and I did really well but then missed him terribly. Since we've been back together it has been nothing but fighting. All the good I felt I had done towards my life is gone. I'm back in the chaos again and I don't want to do it anymore. All my insecurites return. When I left him I went to stay at my folk's place. But I cannot be around them as my anger towards them makes me want to choke. I could live on my own. I have a decent job but I feel so bad for him. He has nowhere to go. No job. Nothing. He has burnt every bridge. I feel too responsible for him and I hate that.

Hey Rain

I'm sort of in the same position as you are. My fiance and soulmate has PTSD from her childhood and early adulthood. I wish I could explain .. but I'm sure that you understand what it is like living with someone that has PTSD. It is a rollercoaster of crazy, it really is. My partner is nowhere as off balanced as yours .... although she is very off balanced. From talking to others they have told me that the PTSD experience no matter how it starts is pretty much experienced the same in everyone. If she wasn't my soulmate I know that I would have given up on the relationship a long time ago. It takes a long time in this life to find a compatible partner and longer to find a soulmate.

What helped me lots in understanding .. was to regaining my center balance. I had to go away into the mountains by myself.. spend 7 days in the quiet fishing...getting back in touch with myself. It was very good for me. It allowed me the time I needed to clear out the garbage and see things clearly.

During this period she left me and moved back in with her family... they don't understand about ptsd .. sort of out of sight out of mind. She doesn't talk to them. I had read up on PTSD before but none of it made any sense to me. Unitl I was clear .. I reflected back after I re-reading more information and talking to others. Then I realized that there were things that I was doing wrong for her. Not that I was to blame .. no I can't share all the blame ..no way. Due to my lack of understanding ... I applied pressures I believe .. didn't guide her to do the correct things for her condition (gently) .. be there for her. She I believe preceived that my trip to the mountains was abandoning her. Just as you have stated with your husband and people abandoning him. I feel for you. It must be very difficult. You have to take care of yourself first ... I truly believe that!!! You can't help someone else if you can't help yourself and they won't help themselves.

With someone with PTSD they don't see things as we do. Thoughts, ideas, dreams, verbal cues, non verbal cues and just about anything can cause them to have a cluster and then spiral. They will not reach out for help from those that they care about, that is the most difficult thing for me to understand. From what I have gathered from everything .. the only thing that I can do is just love her, except her, be there for her and expect the unexpected. PTSD is CURABLE from what someone has told me. Although my reading suggested otherwise. I like the positive .. that it is CURABLE. The first thing though is time, treatment .. both medicine and counseling. To be there when they need you, refocus their energies to the positives instead of the negatives. I know it is a hard thing to do at times but if they can try to make the steps. Then I'm going to stand by her and fight for her. If she doesn't or won't I will have to move on in time and just be there for her .. in that yet still. I'm still in the middle of all this myself. I don't know how it is going to end. I hope with us growing old together. I'm prepared to expect the un-expected. I believe after her current cluster is over she will come home and with my help ... get her back on her meds .. go to counseling...and get back to taking some control of her life. I'm seeing some positive signs already she put makeup on yesterday, she has started writing on her book a little and said that she wanted to go to church. To you and I this are small items .. they are not .. she is trying to fight. These small things are big steps for someone with PTSD. Someone with PTSD I have learned you cannot push them ... you have to listen to the little things that they say .. some of the keys will be there.

I know that your relationship is very different than mine. The first thing is take care of yourself put yourself in a good place, make sure that you and your children are safe. That is the most important thing. If it is to be then bridges can be rebuilt and oceans can be crossed. With ptsd it just takes time and willingness to admit they have it ..really want to do something about it and begin to take some control for themselves. As loved ones we can only be there for them and try understand.

Take Care

Soulmate